Anonymous
Post 02/07/2021 10:28     Subject: Your SIL is not your business
Anonymous wrote:I absolutely agreed. She is my brother's problem, not mine.


Agree

I wish my brother would stop trying to force us to be friends. I don’t want her in my texts to my sister. She’s lying twat, but she’s his problem, not mine. I’m cordial at family get togethers, and that is enough.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2021 10:24     Subject: Your SIL is not your business
Luckily, my SIL is great. My MIL refuses to accept that I am not going to serve in a secretarial role like she does for her husband, but I no longer care. I'm amused by her endless expectations, in fact. She's like a mouse who just can't find the cheese, but it's fun to watch her exhaust herself.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2021 08:58     Subject: Your SIL is not your business
Anonymous wrote:It took me about 10 years to realize the power I hold as the only SIL in my husbands family, and the only one who has had children. My MIL and SIL (7 years older than me) used to come to us for holidays and I would run myself ragged trying to win their approval. They would be poor guests and generally ignore me to have their own little visit and leave me out (husband used to work a lot).
Now that I’m older and wiser, I am not willing to put up with this crap anymore, even though they want to come more to see the kids. It must have felt good for them 5-10 years ago to be rude and dismissive to me when I was young, gorgeous, and eager to please but now the chickens are coming home to roost for them now that I’m old, tired, and sick of other peoples bs. 🤣


I think I know what their problem is/was?
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2021 08:56     Subject: Your SIL is not your business
It took me about 10 years to realize the power I hold as the only SIL in my husbands family, and the only one who has had children. My MIL and SIL (7 years older than me) used to come to us for holidays and I would run myself ragged trying to win their approval. They would be poor guests and generally ignore me to have their own little visit and leave me out (husband used to work a lot).
Now that I’m older and wiser, I am not willing to put up with this crap anymore, even though they want to come more to see the kids. It must have felt good for them 5-10 years ago to be rude and dismissive to me when I was young, gorgeous, and eager to please but now the chickens are coming home to roost for them now that I’m old, tired, and sick of other peoples bs. 🤣
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2021 18:58     Subject: Re:Your SIL is not your business
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NP here. I agree your SIL is not your business but I have a BIL with a younger second wife who has been whisking him all over the country so she can follow her career aspirations. He likes living that way, I guess, though knowing him, I wouldn't put all of my money on it. They've moved twice for her jobs since he retired several years ago. Well, he's an awesome BIL and I always imagined we'd all be closer as we aged. My kids love him to death but SIL could care less about his family. He's pushing 65, is healthy but not in great health, had a heart scare and now she's taking him away again on one of her career jaunts to another state where he knows absolutely no one. She earns more than his pension brings in, so I think he won't leave her ever for fear of having to live hand to mouth.

I get it, his marriage, his business. I do get this sinking feeling though, one day, that he's going to land in a rehab home or nursing facility 1,000 miles away and we're not going to be able to help care for him. She seems to think she's the only significant person in his life. We don't have a lot of family, and neither do they (she has an adult child in another state she doesn't see much of).



None of yours.


What if the BIL were a woman in her 60s with health issues who was being carted around by her husband who always insisted on moving? Imagine they weren't even suffering for money-- he's just never happy anywhere. And they were living in a place where she had a great support network of family and long-time friends? Would that seem a little cold if the person being forced to up and leave were the wife? Older people can get lonely easily when they don't have a lot of friends and family around. Unless you're starving, why would you do that to someone, especially if many of the people they're close to don't exactly have another 50 years left?


Not your business. If a grown-ass adult needs help or advice from siblings, they can ask.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2021 18:55     Subject: Re:Your SIL is not your business
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NP here. I agree your SIL is not your business but I have a BIL with a younger second wife who has been whisking him all over the country so she can follow her career aspirations. He likes living that way, I guess, though knowing him, I wouldn't put all of my money on it. They've moved twice for her jobs since he retired several years ago. Well, he's an awesome BIL and I always imagined we'd all be closer as we aged. My kids love him to death but SIL could care less about his family. He's pushing 65, is healthy but not in great health, had a heart scare and now she's taking him away again on one of her career jaunts to another state where he knows absolutely no one. She earns more than his pension brings in, so I think he won't leave her ever for fear of having to live hand to mouth.

I get it, his marriage, his business. I do get this sinking feeling though, one day, that he's going to land in a rehab home or nursing facility 1,000 miles away and we're not going to be able to help care for him. She seems to think she's the only significant person in his life. We don't have a lot of family, and neither do they (she has an adult child in another state she doesn't see much of).



None of yours.


What if the BIL were a woman in her 60s with health issues who was being carted around by her husband who always insisted on moving? Imagine they weren't even suffering for money-- he's just never happy anywhere. And they were living in a place where she had a great support network of family and long-time friends? Would that seem a little cold if the person being forced to up and leave were the wife? Older people can get lonely easily when they don't have a lot of friends and family around. Unless you're starving, why would you do that to someone, especially if many of the people they're close to don't exactly have another 50 years left?
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2021 18:53     Subject: Your SIL is not your business
Anonymous wrote:I don't have a brother, but your guys are full of BS. You don't care if your DH has a relationship with his sister or parents? Yes, that is exactly right, but the point is that you are fine with him not having much contact with them. If he does have it, all hell breaks loose.
You become the SIL that you hate. You can deny it all you want, but it is the truth. When was the last time we had a thread that said, "DH and his sister have a great relationship! He gets together with her once a week! I am so happy for him."
So, yes, you all don't care if he doesn't have a relationship. God forbid he went to fix her car, on vacation with her, you are as green as a frog in that case!


My husband does an activity with one of his siblings once a week and I think it’s great that they have a close relationship (I say “say hi to Larla for me!” Ahead is that weekly engagement but otherwise don’t have a role) he Very Rarely (3x year?) calls the other sibling. I assume that reflects the relationship he wants with each sibling— which seems reasonable since the one he rarely deals with is chaotic person. But they aren’t my job, they’re his, and he seems to have made choices about what degree of relationship he wants from each.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2021 18:51     Subject: Your SIL is not your business
Anonymous wrote:true, except for when my brother tries to claim that his sisters should pay proportionally more for supporting aged parents because they have working spouses, whereas all the SILs are SAHMs so they pay less. then it IS my business.


No. That is still an issue with your brother. He is the one trying to get out of taking care of his parents, it's totally on him.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2021 18:35     Subject: Your SIL is not your business
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:true, except for when my brother tries to claim that his sisters should pay proportionally more for supporting aged parents because they have working spouses, whereas all the SILs are SAHMs so they pay less. then it IS my business.


Yeah, your business with your brother. No one else.


So, Your dh becomes part of your nuclear family but, you don't.

got it!


Noooo, but thanks for inventing things to fight about.

I am in charge of my family relationships and logistics and gifts and chores, and DH is in charge of his. We help each other as needed, but at the end of the day, HE is responsible for sending gifts, calling them, etc. Or not.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2021 18:27     Subject: Your SIL is not your business
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:true, except for when my brother tries to claim that his sisters should pay proportionally more for supporting aged parents because they have working spouses, whereas all the SILs are SAHMs so they pay less. then it IS my business.


Yeah, your business with your brother. No one else.


So, Your dh becomes part of your nuclear family but, you don't.

got it!
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2021 18:26     Subject: Your SIL is not your business
Anonymous wrote:I don't have a brother, but your guys are full of BS. You don't care if your DH has a relationship with his sister or parents? Yes, that is exactly right, but the point is that you are fine with him not having much contact with them. If he does have it, all hell breaks loose.
You become the SIL that you hate. You can deny it all you want, but it is the truth. When was the last time we had a thread that said, "DH and his sister have a great relationship! He gets together with her once a week! I am so happy for him."
So, yes, you all don't care if he doesn't have a relationship. God forbid he went to fix her car, on vacation with her, you are as green as a frog in that case!


No- but I think there is a double standard. I’m fairly close to one of my sisters, and not so close to the other (we have never gotten along). I’m close to my mom but not my dad (divorced, he was quite absent). DH has nothing to do with who I am and am not close with, and I doubt anyone would ever think otherwise. He supports me and however I prefer to manage my parent/sib relationships

DH has 5! siblings. He is close with 2, ok with 2, one he can’t stand. He has always had a strained relationship with his parents (especially his dad). Likewise this has nothing to do with me, and I feel no obligation to care how he manages his relationships beyond supporting him.

I think sometimes family members don’t get alone, and the spouse usually has little to do with it. This seems to be assumed for male spouses- but for some reason female spouses are expected to intervene, fix things or are blamed.

Anonymous
Post 02/06/2021 18:25     Subject: Your SIL is not your business
Anonymous wrote:I don't have a brother, but your guys are full of BS. You don't care if your DH has a relationship with his sister or parents? Yes, that is exactly right, but the point is that you are fine with him not having much contact with them. If he does have it, all hell breaks loose.
You become the SIL that you hate. You can deny it all you want, but it is the truth. When was the last time we had a thread that said, "DH and his sister have a great relationship! He gets together with her once a week! I am so happy for him."
So, yes, you all don't care if he doesn't have a relationship. God forbid he went to fix her car, on vacation with her, you are as green as a frog in that case!


Nope! Here’s what: I married a grown-ass adult. He managed his relationship s before me; he can manage them after. He somewhat stays in contact with them on his own. That’s fine. If he wanted to call them more or invite them to visit more, that’s fine. I’m not his secretary, life coach, cruise director, or concierge.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2021 18:23     Subject: Your SIL is not your business
Anonymous wrote:Why and whether your brother married her is...not your business.

Whether decisions they make as a couple (and yes, him going along with her wishes IS HIS DECISION), such as how much time to spend with your family/where the spend holidays...not your business.

Her social media habits and privacy settings...not your business.

How THEY choose to raise THEIR children (and yes, him going along with her wishes IS HIS DECISION...not your business, unless they are abusing or neglecting their kids.

Your mother's relationship or lack thereof with your brother and his wife...not your business.

What gifts, cards, calls or occasion/holiday gifts YOUR BROTHER chooses to send to his family, or not...not your business, and literally not your SIL's responsibility, at all.

Your SIL's choice in career (or no career), or any other aspect of her life choices...not your business.

Stay in your lane.

That's all.


I hope you follow your own advice as the SIL to your siblings's spouses!
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2021 18:20     Subject: Re:Your SIL is not your business
Seriously people, I really love my SIL. Did I think she was good enough for my brother? Of course not. HOWEVER, years down the road, my brother is happy so I'm happy. Was I wrong? Yes. Do I always agree with every decision she makes? Of course not. Has she brought some chaos into the family and made various people cry? Of course. But after actually getting to know her I learned how she is and I actually LIKE HER. Now, she is definitely my business because she is my friend.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2021 18:18     Subject: Your SIL is not your business
I would love to have nothing to do with my SIL. Love it. But she is so nasty to everyone that unfortunately I am in her crosshairs sometimes.