I’m 33. I still have not had successful PIV sex. Plenty of wonderful oral sex, but no penetration. I’ve had very supportive, patient partners but ultimately this ruined every single relationship I’ve had.

I have severe vaginismus. It’s both physical and psychological. Not a result of abuse or anything just, my body “rejects” penetration. Even manual penetration is somewhat unpleasant.
I’ve worked with a therapist and a gynecologist for years and it’s still a struggle. I’m only able to tolerate it with tons of lube plus lidocaine.

I realize I will likely never have children. The clock is ticking and I still can’t even enjoy having anything go in there, let alone pushing something out.

It may be that most guys want the sexy girl in high heels, but many don’t want to date her. And as far as sex, most men will have sex with pretty much any woman - trust me, they are not holding out for the sexy high heeled girl.

From your description, I would open up a quirky dating profile or maybe find a message board or group that revolves around an interest you have.

Yes

Anonymous wrote:So I’m one at 40 and yes even I’ll tell you that in western society it’s weird. For me - religion. For those who say religious ppl all marry at 22, sure but like every population some don’t find a partner. For me I’m also of a culture where parents picking out the spouse/influencing choice of spouse heavily was a thing (not true arrangement but not far off). I wasn’t into that. Wanted to go off to college, b school, make a ton of money etc so I did that. I had some faith but wasn’t truly religious. Time ticked by, didn’t find a partner. By age 33 got really religious and now I can’t see being with anyone outside my faith - where most men were taken by like 28. So yeah it’s weird but that’s what it is for me.

Your case is different and very understandable. Any guy that is suitable to you will expect you to either be a virgin or long time celibate. FWIW, I know a couple of women that were in your situation and got married in their 40s, within the faith. The guys were either divorced (relatively rare, but it does happen) or found faith later in life, sometimes both.

But for someone who has no restrictions of faith, staying a virgin for so long means there are issues.

OP - you are an outlier but if it works for you then who cares. If you are looking to change this then start with therapy and start experimenting on your own to discover what you like. I was mid twenties and then had a definite dry spell after until I was married. I was not in for recreational sex. IMO sex was best at 37-45 so yuh have not missed the best yet!

Anonymous wrote:If you were what were you asked and what answers did you give? Im finding people incredulous because I'm attractive and have a job or judgemental.

It is weird and that's why I kept that info to myself.

And assuming I would have been honest because I knew no one would ridicule me or make me feel bad:

Religious but not to the point where it's imperative I wait until marriage.

I would say that I (unintentionally) give off lesbian vibes plus I take after my dad in the looks department. And it really doesn't bother me too much and I don't feel the need to change or conform to gender stereotypes.

I'm introverted.

I don't drink (hate the taste), or dance (I can barely walk without falling), and have anxiety when meeting new people. I hate waking up/being tired (probably close to a phobia if there is one). So no social life.

I was super sad when AIM (aol instant messenger) was discontinued. None of my friends were on Facebook so I never got into meeting and talking to people online (until recently).

I lived with my parents after graduating college because it was free and they were super cool parents.

Inability to articulate and describe how I fit in the world. Most guys want the sexy girl in high heels. I'm not that. I can't be that. I don't want to be that.

These movements with transgender, non-binary, etc have really helped me define myself and feel more confident with who I am (Straight "Butch" female) and about dating because ...gasp... some guys are into that.

My advice: Just do what you f*ck*ng want. If you want a sexual relationship put yourself out there. If you don't, go find a special toy and go to town. If you're scared, find a therapist. If you're not ready or don't want to or don't care, just keep living your life.

I think that was a very thoughtful and kind response.

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Anonymous wrote:Most men are going to cheat if there’s no sex with a certain amount of time. It’s basically just a friendship. I think your bar is too high.

“You are putting the P on a pedestal” - quote from the 40 year old virgin.

He was celibate for years before me with random hookups with women who gave oral and he received but we both thought full sex was something to be shared by 2 people who loved each other so that is why I stayed and I had low self esteem which I already said some comments back. I improved the past 2 yrs. Won't keep repeating what I already said in past comments. FYI not all of us sleep with our boyfriend to quote Kris Jenner in response to Kim Kardashian saying that Everyone sleeps with their boyfriend.

I mean...pretty much all of us 35 year olds sleep with our boyfriends.

Op here not judging anyone by age but even my 16 yr old cousin has slept with boys without even dating them. Some of us are a little more reserved!

I think being a 35 year old virgin goes beyond being "a little more reserved" than not having random hookups.

Ok, so aside from your negative criticism what do you suggest? To sleep with anyone off a date app or anyone I know?

I think you should go to therapy to figure out the root cause of your intimacy issues. Why do you place such immense importance on sex (or abstinence) and why have you not been able to find someone who you love or think you love enough to want to have sex or at least be able to let go enough to say, "this doesn't have to be forever, but it makes sense right now, so this 'risk' is worth it?" I think you need to figure out why physical intimacy is not important to you in a relationship, because it should be, or why you steer so far from it. As a PP said, you have had nearly 20 years to figure this out. Most people do over time and yes, it may involve some level of heartbreak along the way, but that is what makes us fully formed emotional partners who arrive in our 30s having worked through these issues. It's concerning that sex is both super, super important in that you have been abstinent so long and also basically not important at all because I guess once you hit some sort of emotional bar, you'll take whatever even if the sex totally blows because you don't know any better and have no expectations of a physical relationship.

I would have suggested years ago that you sleep with any of these men you had multiple year relationships with and I question why you didn't. It seems really immature and yes, weird, barring some compelling reason (religion, abuse, etc.) Now I suppose you either have to rip off the bandaid and explore a little bit, or hold out and hope you can find someone else who is equally uninterested in sex as you which, let me tell you, is not a winning combination for a long term romantic relationship. Maybe a super devout widower? I honestly struggle to even think what this dating profile would look like. If you are going to rip off that bandaid, do it with whoever you want. As my mother told me, you don't have to love each other, but you should respect each other. Find someone you feel safe with who respects you and your boundaries and go for it if that's what you want. I think after such a long time you have worked up sex to be such a major thing in your mind you don't get that it can just be...normal. And it looks different and feels different in different circumstances. Different isn't always bad and there is not one ideal. But yes, I think that a therapist would help you walk through all of that and more.

Are you dying a virgin?

Most men are going to cheat if there’s no sex with a certain amount of time. It’s basically just a friendship. I think your bar is too high.

“You are putting the P on a pedestal” - quote from the 40 year old virgin.

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Anonymous wrote:You were with your ex for a year with no sex? I’m not sure that’s realistic unless the person is very religious or low drive.

I said he cheated WITHIN the year. He cheated during the first 6 months of dating. He was ok with me being a virgin at that time. I am probably more reserved than most DC UM women but I wouldn't sleep with a guy until I know I love him.

6 month is also way too long for sex and to know if you love someone. It sounds like you have intimacy issues. Fear of being close to people.

Big time.

If intimacy issues means you were cheated on and cautious about getting close and trusting another man then yes.

And that happened last year. What was going on between ages 16 and 34?

No I broke it off a few months ago. He is dating a younger woman with lower self esteem. Like I said we were in a relationship of some years. But I'll stop there is way too much criticism on here!

So you are blaming him for stepping out of your relationship "early" on but you stayed with him - why? Anyone that satsy with a cheater isn't confident. When someone cheats it's time to peace out.

However this one man doesn't explain nearly 2 decades with lack of physical intimacy.

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Anonymous wrote:You were with your ex for a year with no sex? I’m not sure that’s realistic unless the person is very religious or low drive.

I said he cheated WITHIN the year. He cheated during the first 6 months of dating. He was ok with me being a virgin at that time. I am probably more reserved than most DC UM women but I wouldn't sleep with a guy until I know I love him.

6 month is also way too long for sex and to know if you love someone. It sounds like you have intimacy issues. Fear of being close to people.

Big time.

If intimacy issues means you were cheated on and cautious about getting close and trusting another man then yes.

And that happened last year. What was going on between ages 16 and 34?

No I broke it off a few months ago. He is dating a younger woman with lower self esteem. Like I said we were in a relationship of some years. But I'll stop there is way too much criticism on here!

So you were in a relationship of multiple years and wouldn't have sex? Sorry, I am just not getting this.

It’s not something I would disclose. I’d make sure I know what I liked and how to take care of myself and I’d educate myself on how to take care of him and hope for the best. I’d take the drivers seat the first time so I’d have some control over the position and pace.

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Anonymous wrote:You were with your ex for a year with no sex? I’m not sure that’s realistic unless the person is very religious or low drive.

I said he cheated WITHIN the year. He cheated during the first 6 months of dating. He was ok with me being a virgin at that time. I am probably more reserved than most DC UM women but I wouldn't sleep with a guy until I know I love him.

6 month is also way too long for sex and to know if you love someone. It sounds like you have intimacy issues. Fear of being close to people.

Big time.

If intimacy issues means you were cheated on and cautious about getting close and trusting another man then yes.

And that happened last year. What was going on between ages 16 and 34?

No I broke it off a few months ago. He is dating a younger woman with lower self esteem. Like I said we were in a relationship of some years. But I'll stop there is way too much criticism on here!

Anonymous wrote:So I’m one at 40 and yes even I’ll tell you that in western society it’s weird. For me - religion. For those who say religious ppl all marry at 22, sure but like every population some don’t find a partner. For me I’m also of a culture where parents picking out the spouse/influencing choice of spouse heavily was a thing (not true arrangement but not far off). I wasn’t into that. Wanted to go off to college, b school, make a ton of money etc so I did that. I had some faith but wasn’t truly religious. Time ticked by, didn’t find a partner. By age 33 got really religious and now I can’t see being with anyone outside my faith - where most men were taken by like 28. So yeah it’s weird but that’s what it is for me.

Guy here. That makes sense -- religion -- and I'd respect that.