Anonymous
Post 01/21/2021 18:34     Subject: stepfamily and inlaw issues
Anonymous wrote:Why on earth should your husband’s parents take your children on vacation with their late term and early 20’s grandchildren? That makes no sense whatsoever. Your pre-teens are relative strangers. They get to have time with their own grandchildren. It’s extraordinarily kind of them to have bought generous gifts for their new step-grandchildren and it sounds like they are open to a relationship, but it is not at all fair for them to have to compromise their own relationship with their grandchildren.


+1
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2021 18:33     Subject: stepfamily and inlaw issues
Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are both on our second marriage and have kids from our previous relationships. I have 2b 1g aged 12, 12, 14 and he has 2b 16 & 21. My kids live with us full time and 16 year old stepson lives with us 50% of the time. The 21 year old is on his own.

I have a good relationship with my inlaws but there have been some things come up and I am not sure if it should even be addressed with them. H has a much younger sister that his parents had very late in life. She is much closer in age to her nieces and nephews than her siblings. Around 10 years ago they started taking SIL and their grandkids on vacation to a new place every year for 1 week in the summer. It has become a tradition. In 2020 the trip was cancelled because of Covid. They plan to make up for it this year. Over spring break they are taking the kids to FL and this summer they are spending 2 weeks in Hawaii. This is causing some issues with my kids not being included. It was after Christmas that my kids spoke up. The 16 year old got a PS5 for Christmas from the grandparents and they got my kids clothes and some gift cards. I was very grateful but they spent much more money on their grandson than my kids and they noticed the difference.

I told my kids that it was not realistic for them to expect a PS5 from them and to be thankful for the nice gifts they received from them. They got really nice gifts from their own grandparents and father. If it was anything but a PS5 I don't think they would have mentioned anything. Let me tell you that gaming system is all the rage.

These 2 upcoming trips are causing more issues with my kids. I don't know what to tell them. We will be taking our own vacation this summer but we cannot afford for all of us to go to Hawaii. I spoke with my husband about my kids being upset and he said that he is sympathetic but his kids have been taking these trips for years with his parents and its something my kids will have to accept. He said his ex wifes stepson has never gone on these trips. Has anyone dealt with this? I really don't know what to tell my kids and I don't want them being resentful. I wish I could afford these kind of trips and gifts but I just can't and neither can their father and grandparents. Any feedback?


If I’m understanding correctly, this is your husband’s parents...so your kids step-grandparents. If that’s the case, you just tell your kids the obvious which is that they have a different relationship. Unless you’ve been married for a very long time...they are just getting to know your kids. The relationships are not equal. Your expectations are off, and I’m not really understanding why your kids are disappointed. Your husband is corrects that this is a tradition between his parents and their grandchildren. Your kids shouldn’t be invited, and the fact you can’t afford to make things “equal” has nothing to do with your husband’s parents.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2021 18:19     Subject: stepfamily and inlaw issues
Anonymous wrote:Your stepson should be gracious and kind and not talk about the trip a lot in front of your kids. He’s only there part-time so that shouldn’t be difficult.

There is WIDE consensus here, OP, that your stepson’s grandparents should not feel obligated to take your kids or to curtail their tradition. Your kids are plenty old enough to ge this and you need to be firm and practical when explaining it. I bet they are picking up on your discomfiting and you need to get clear with yourself that the status quo is totally fine.


Unusually wide consensus!

Also, as grandparents grow older, and the number of grandchildren increase, it is natural for things to change. My kids are grandkids #9 and #10 and are they getting the same as the older ones got? No. It just isn't feasible. If you think three extra kids for two weeks is NBD to older folks you are insane.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2021 17:59     Subject: stepfamily and inlaw issues
Your stepson should be gracious and kind and not talk about the trip a lot in front of your kids. He’s only there part-time so that shouldn’t be difficult.

There is WIDE consensus here, OP, that your stepson’s grandparents should not feel obligated to take your kids or to curtail their tradition. Your kids are plenty old enough to ge this and you need to be firm and practical when explaining it. I bet they are picking up on your discomfiting and you need to get clear with yourself that the status quo is totally fine.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2021 14:38     Subject: stepfamily and inlaw issues
Tell your kids that your stepkid's grandparents are like their cousin's other grandparents. In most families, you may never meet them, or only rarely, and you don't get butthurt if your cousin's grandparents get them better gifts.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2021 13:38     Subject: stepfamily and inlaw issues
Why on earth should your husband’s parents take your children on vacation with their late term and early 20’s grandchildren? That makes no sense whatsoever. Your pre-teens are relative strangers. They get to have time with their own grandchildren. It’s extraordinarily kind of them to have bought generous gifts for their new step-grandchildren and it sounds like they are open to a relationship, but it is not at all fair for them to have to compromise their own relationship with their grandchildren.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2021 13:29     Subject: Re:stepfamily and inlaw issues
Anonymous wrote:The poster who said that your kids don’t regard your in laws as real grandparents are right. If you divorce, they’ll never see your kids again so why invest in a relationship with them?


This. Will your kids still want time with them when they're super old and it's really really boring? And will you require them to still visit? Because a grandparent relationship is a two way street and it isn't all fun vacations. If your kids aren't up for the real thing then don't expect the benefits.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2021 12:49     Subject: Re:stepfamily and inlaw issues
The poster who said that your kids don’t regard your in laws as real grandparents are right. If you divorce, they’ll never see your kids again so why invest in a relationship with them?
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2021 22:20     Subject: Re:stepfamily and inlaw issues
OP's kids wouldn't care so much if the gift was anything but the PS5. Most kids would be thrilled to get this as a gift.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2021 22:17     Subject: Re:stepfamily and inlaw issues
Also, don’t op’s step kids have another step sibling through their mom. Op said her dh pointed out that kid doesn’t go on the trip. The step siblings are entitled to alone time with their grandparents. You can commiserate with your kids but they need to understand that everything is not going to be the same. If you and your ex have less money, this could come up again with college choices and other things so you should start laying the groundwork now.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2021 22:09     Subject: stepfamily and inlaw issues
Anonymous wrote:Stepson should be allowed to vacation with his own grandparents at will, just as your kids should be allowed to visit or travel with their grandparents without their stepbrother in tow. They have separate families. It's kind of stepgrands to include the bonus kids but things shouldn't have to kept equal.

And remember, your kids have your new DH all the time. His own kids only have him part time. That alone is unfair on the surface.



+1 His kids would love to be with him 100%

Anonymous
Post 01/20/2021 22:06     Subject: stepfamily and inlaw issues
Stepson should be allowed to vacation with his own grandparents at will, just as your kids should be allowed to visit or travel with their grandparents without their stepbrother in tow. They have separate families. It's kind of stepgrands to include the bonus kids but things shouldn't have to kept equal.

And remember, your kids have your new DH all the time. His own kids only have him part time. That alone is unfair on the surface.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2021 20:46     Subject: stepfamily and inlaw issues
The only real answer here is for op and her husband to either get over it or set limits on spending. Tell the grandparents you’ll buy the play station and they can give $50 gift cards. It’s not acceptable to make grandparents pay for playstations for everyone.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2021 20:05     Subject: stepfamily and inlaw issues
OP, if one of your parents divorced and remarried, would you want to spend all of your vacations with their new spouse's children and grandchildren? Or would you think your original family deserves a bit of privacy and quality time and simplicity?
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2021 19:42     Subject: stepfamily and inlaw issues
Time to start a new blended family, this one just isn’t good for you your kids and staying in this marriage you are putting your interests first.