I’m a mid 40s AA woman, and I find that this has happened somewhat organically over time. I grew up going to private schools, and am in a profession that does not have a ton of diversity, so most of my school and work friends have been white women (except in college when I was active in minority organizations and thus had more women of color friends). But as I’ve gotten older I noticed that the friends who became my closest friends, and stayed in contact after we moved on to other jobs, were the women of color. I find that most of my white friends just drifted away or became acquaintances. It’s interesting because I actually feel more comfortable in a room full of white people I don’t know than a room full of AA people I don’t know (probably b/c it’s just more familiar to me), but for whatever reason most of my white female friends drifted towards other (white) former colleagues and at most keep me on their holiday card list. I don’t think any of them are racist, but assume perhaps on some level they felt more comfortable or like they had more in common with the other white women who were part of our group.

Anonymous wrote:If you want black friends, go get some black friends. Justify it however you want.

Just remember that if you want to see legitimate change in racial tensions and racial relations, the way to do it is not to shut out the other race. It is to be forthcoming with your challenges and open to conversation. It is 100% fair to be emotionally fatigued and not able to listen to someone’s daily minutiae. It is on you to say that. It is also on you to reach out to a friend and talk about how you’re feeling, sometimes without even being asked. If you don’t say anything, how do you expect others to understand your feelings?

So as usual its always on the POC to have the emotional strength to explain their struggle to whites. And to say it gently so they don't get defensive. And for sure don't be the Angry Black Woman because that is bad....for some reason...
Maybe just maybe whites could look at all the protests and look inside themselves for a millisecond and try to figure out how their friend feels.

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s much easier to connect with people with whom you have the same cultural codes. Even though you might have grown up in the same neighborhood as your white friends, I am sure there were things your parents said that your white friends never heard and now certain things are understood by WOC without ever being said. This is true for every cultural subgroup. And... it’s OK. It’s OK for you to seek friendships that make you most comfortable, it’s OK for your white friends to not be able to 100% comprehend how it feels to be you.

Yes for sure. As a black woman you are already getting a lot of BS from the culture at large. Give yourself a break from having to explain yourself...and maybe even have a space to be Angry!

Though I must say that these white friends are a bit self-centered and they should strive to do better.

If you want black friends, go get some black friends. Justify it however you want.

Just remember that if you want to see legitimate change in racial tensions and racial relations, the way to do it is not to shut out the other race. It is to be forthcoming with your challenges and open to conversation. It is 100% fair to be emotionally fatigued and not able to listen to someone’s daily minutiae. It is on you to say that. It is also on you to reach out to a friend and talk about how you’re feeling, sometimes without even being asked. If you don’t say anything, how do you expect others to understand your feelings?

Anonymous wrote:I can relate as the parent of a kid with severe special needs. I need to have a group of similar parents. My other friends just cannot get it. You're normal, OP.

I was just going to post something similar. Even within special needs, I need to find parents with like challenges. Some topics are just for those who have direct experience.

I think it’s much easier to connect with people with whom you have the same cultural codes. Even though you might have grown up in the same neighborhood as your white friends, I am sure there were things your parents said that your white friends never heard and now certain things are understood by WOC without ever being said. This is true for every cultural subgroup. And... it’s OK. It’s OK for you to seek friendships that make you most comfortable, it’s OK for your white friends to not be able to 100% comprehend how it feels to be you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh. I don’t think you’re black.

+ 1 millions
white and possibly a dude
in pjs
in parent's basement
again.

What exactly seems like it’s not written by a black woman? This is honestly the problem a lot of the time. POC try to state their feelings and they are shut down by people like you insisting over the internet that they actually aren’t black. WTF kinda foolishness is that?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes definitely. I am adopted from Korea so my actual family and cultural background is white people. But I have always been friends with other Asian Americans and as I get older I actually seek out this friendships more intentionally than I used to. Partly because I want to raise my kids with healthy identities being minorities, but partly because over the years I have also been kind of annoyed by some (definitely not all) of my white friends’ understanding about race and culture in the USA. I don’t have the energy to bring people up to speed about the reality. I also seek out friendships of other POC (Black, Latino, Jews, etc) because even if we don’t have the same background I know there are some shared understanding. All of my white friends are usually pretty woke or married to POC.

Jews are not POC. They are a minority, but not the same thing.

They can be. There are Jews of every race, but you are right that they are not POC simply by being Jewish.

Anonymous wrote:Eh. I don’t think you’re black.

+ 1 millions
white and possibly a dude
in pjs
in parent's basement
again.

I am Asian and have a pretty diverse set of friends. The way I see it, you connect with people in many different ways. I have a good friend from high school who I am in touch with a lot, we talk about politics because we both work in politics-adjacent jobs, but she does not understand the fear and concern I have over what’s going on with racism right now. And that’s fine. Different friends can support you in different ways.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went through this transition in my 20s too.

I’m 2nd Gen Indian American, my close friend group is almost entirely POC. I do have a few ethnically white friends, they are first Gen immigrants though. I have first and second Gen Indian friends, first or second Gen Latina and other Asian friends, Black American and a good number of Black Caribbean and Ethiopian friends.

I feel like my interactions with regular White people feels more forced and there is too much judgement about my culture and heritage. Other groups get nuances and differences more. If I say or do something a certain way, it ends up like I’m representing all Indians or something. I don’t judge them for this, I know that their worldview has been shaped in this way because everything around them ‘Eurocentric’ which ‘others’ everyone else. I just don’t have the energy anymore for it.

+1 Asian American immigrant here. 100% of my good friends are either POC or immigrants (white or otherwise). I could never pinpoint why I felt more comfortable with these folks than white American women, but you nailed it.

+1 When I was your age, OP, I had tons of white friends (still do). But as I got older, I realized that it is sometimes a little sometimes a lot exhausting having to represent my whole race. So all of my closest friends happen to be "other," to include: black, Asian, Jewish, Arabic and white immigrants...or any immigrants in general. I agree with a previous poster who is white but an immigrant. I think people like that are more tuned into the biases, privilege and peculiarities of American white culture that the rest of us are expected to fit into.

+1. Arab American here and same story. I basically stopped having white friends in college though. I always thought this was strange or maybe there was something off putting about me to white people but I guess not!

Black guy here.

I don't think you need "mainly" POC friends. While shared cultural experience is a big part of human beings' natural gravitation towards tribalism, it doesn't mean that it's necessary in order to be happy or survive in this world. It sounds like you may not have "enough" black friends to establish a connection that you can tap into when you need it. I have friends from all walks of life, but one of the issues that I deal with most is navigating a middle class, mostly white environment as a black guy who grew up in the hood. My life is basically like an episode of Blackish. When I feel like I can't relate to those around me or like I'm having a crisis of cultural identity, I can call up some of my black friends who come from similar backgrounds. You'll still have insensitive, tone deaf black friends too.

I'll differ from what seems to be the overwhelming answer here - no, I don't. I have Indian heritage, though. I empathize with you, OP, and maybe I would feel differently if I were Black.

I grew up in a very white liberal neighborhood, always attended very white schools, and am in an overwhelmingly white profession. I've always felt totally comfortable with white people and they comprise the vast majority of my social circle. My closest friends and significant other are white and my professional mentors have also been white. I'm not denying that racism is a major societal issue, and I'm sure I've been subject to it at points in my life, but I honestly haven't found it to have tangible effects in terms of my being accepted socially or professionally. (So far. I know life is long.)

I will say that I've never really sought out or been curious about connecting with my heritage. My parents are immigrants, but generally live an American lifestyle and didn't force anything on me. I don't join affinity groups, don't go out of my way to cook or eat Indian food (just don't care for the flavors very much), and don't follow Indian pop culture or any other cultural touchpoints. I have a couple of Indian friends from childhood who are more connected to Indian culture in these ways and whose social circles are much more diverse, which is probably correlated.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went through this transition in my 20s too.

I’m 2nd Gen Indian American, my close friend group is almost entirely POC. I do have a few ethnically white friends, they are first Gen immigrants though. I have first and second Gen Indian friends, first or second Gen Latina and other Asian friends, Black American and a good number of Black Caribbean and Ethiopian friends.

I feel like my interactions with regular White people feels more forced and there is too much judgement about my culture and heritage. Other groups get nuances and differences more. If I say or do something a certain way, it ends up like I’m representing all Indians or something. I don’t judge them for this, I know that their worldview has been shaped in this way because everything around them ‘Eurocentric’ which ‘others’ everyone else. I just don’t have the energy anymore for it.

+1 Asian American immigrant here. 100% of my good friends are either POC or immigrants (white or otherwise). I could never pinpoint why I felt more comfortable with these folks than white American women, but you nailed it.

+1 When I was your age, OP, I had tons of white friends (still do). But as I got older, I realized that it is sometimes a little sometimes a lot exhausting having to represent my whole race. So all of my closest friends happen to be "other," to include: black, Asian, Jewish, Arabic and white immigrants...or any immigrants in general. I agree with a previous poster who is white but an immigrant. I think people like that are more tuned into the biases, privilege and peculiarities of American white culture that the rest of us are expected to fit into.

Anonymous wrote:I can relate as the parent of a kid with severe special needs. I need to have a group of similar parents. My other friends just cannot get it. You're normal, OP.

I was going to post something similar. There's nothing weird about seeking out people with similar life experience. For example, I lost both my parents at a young age and it is simply impossible to understand how that affects a person having not gone through it. That said, I've learned a LOT from my POC friends - I'll never forget a close work friend telling me how important it is to see and understand color, as opposed to being 'color blind' which is what so many of us 30s-40s white people were told.