Anonymous wrote:What?? A bunch of self centered DWs saying you’re lucky and too bad? When you reverse the genders, this forum is full of countless threads saying how the lazy DHs need to step up. At least some rationale posters are telling you to confront — and to be prepared for the consequences of doing so. Don’t live in fear. Her excuses and blame will never end, so time to push and see what happens. I recommend you consult a lawyer before doing so, just so you understand your rights and can more rationally deal with her drama and emotional manipulation as you rightfully assert yourself!

This doesn’t describe DCUM at all. If it were a woman 50% of the posts would be “why did you marry him, your fault”

Anonymous wrote:What?? A bunch of self centered DWs saying you’re lucky and too bad? When you reverse the genders, this forum is full of countless threads saying how the lazy DHs need to step up. At least some rationale posters are telling you to confront — and to be prepared for the consequences of doing so. Don’t live in fear. Her excuses and blame will never end, so time to push and see what happens. I recommend you consult a lawyer before doing so, just so you understand your rights and can more rationally deal with her drama and emotional manipulation as you rightfully assert yourself!

I said this was similar to my situation and that I didn't know how to fix it and that my solution is to accept it. I didn't say OP should. What does it help him if I say his wife should step up? Yes, she should. But is she going to? Probably not. If that's a dealbreaker for him, absolutely he should figure out how to get out. But if it's not, he has plenty of company.

What?? A bunch of self centered DWs saying you’re lucky and too bad? When you reverse the genders, this forum is full of countless threads saying how the lazy DHs need to step up. At least some rationale posters are telling you to confront — and to be prepared for the consequences of doing so. Don’t live in fear. Her excuses and blame will never end, so time to push and see what happens. I recommend you consult a lawyer before doing so, just so you understand your rights and can more rationally deal with her drama and emotional manipulation as you rightfully assert yourself!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? Honestly, I do nearly everything on your list and that’s just the way it is in our house. When everything went south last year I did tell dh he was in charge of folding laundry from now on, as I can’t do everything. Maybe pick a thing or two and tell her you need her to do it. No emotionally charged conversation, just factual that your list is too long, and she’ll need to start whatever it is. Can she do pick up or drop off?

That’s cool if it works for your family, but it doesn't have to be that way and it sounds like OP does not want his household run this way.

Figure out what you want. Ask her what she wants and perhaps try to meet each other halfway.

My point is that for most households, that split is common, and it’s the wife doing all those things. I’m not saying he shouldn’t renegotiate the labor split, just saying its a pretty common one, with the wife taking those duties on in addition to a full-time job.

I agree with this. She does her own laundry, cleans and organizes every other week weekend, and plans birthday parties (and likely summer care, camps, etc.). It sounds like she also does most of the shopping for the household including clothes/groceries (or is OP buying the lunchables?), and possibly the cleaning of the rest of the house outside the kitchen.
It’s not as much as most wives do, but it’s more than most husbands do.

I was also going to say this actually doesn't seem like a bad split of household duties, assuming she is doing all the other stuff that he didn't mention. Maybe it's that OP doesn't like the chores he's responsible for and resents that, but it seems like a conversation about changing who does what (or rotating) would be a first step before separating.

Yeah. I agree. Maybe OP is doing more than what he says, but one person doing all of the shopping and cleaning, while the other does the cooking and kids laundry seems reasonable. As far as taking kids to and from school, that just seems like something a hat has to do more with commute or driving.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? Honestly, I do nearly everything on your list and that’s just the way it is in our house. When everything went south last year I did tell dh he was in charge of folding laundry from now on, as I can’t do everything. Maybe pick a thing or two and tell her you need her to do it. No emotionally charged conversation, just factual that your list is too long, and she’ll need to start whatever it is. Can she do pick up or drop off?

That’s cool if it works for your family, but it doesn't have to be that way and it sounds like OP does not want his household run this way.

Figure out what you want. Ask her what she wants and perhaps try to meet each other halfway.

My point is that for most households, that split is common, and it’s the wife doing all those things. I’m not saying he shouldn’t renegotiate the labor split, just saying its a pretty common one, with the wife taking those duties on in addition to a full-time job.

Well then the wife needs to speak up or let more go.

-Wife

Anonymous wrote:
Some people just aren't that functional, OP, and that's the simple truth you've got to accept.

My husband has ADHD and it's a huge effort for him to organize his paperwork, his stuff, etc. The garage and basement are full of his stuff that he will never get to. I do most of the daily chores otherwise he'd never do them.

Perhaps your wife has ADHD. Good luck with addressing it. I haven't been able to. My husband refuses meds and flat out refuses to help around the house.

My husband, too. This is just how it is. He does specific things when I ask and there are a few things he regularly does, like taking the trash out, but cleaning, dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, and meal planning are on my plate to manage. He's more helpful to have around than not. He's nice. He's good with the kids and has a job. And that's as good as it's getting. I'm glad I'm functional, and the bright side is that I make a lot of our choices because he just won't.

What, specifically, do you want help with?

Anonymous wrote:And here's where I call BS no involved paren would call kids under 10 upper elementary. This seems like some bored guy trying to turn the tables on women.

+1

Some people just aren't that functional, OP, and that's the simple truth you've got to accept.

My husband has ADHD and it's a huge effort for him to organize his paperwork, his stuff, etc. The garage and basement are full of his stuff that he will never get to. I do most of the daily chores otherwise he'd never do them.

Perhaps your wife has ADHD. Good luck with addressing it. I haven't been able to. My husband refuses meds and flat out refuses to help around the house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? Honestly, I do nearly everything on your list and that’s just the way it is in our house. When everything went south last year I did tell dh he was in charge of folding laundry from now on, as I can’t do everything. Maybe pick a thing or two and tell her you need her to do it. No emotionally charged conversation, just factual that your list is too long, and she’ll need to start whatever it is. Can she do pick up or drop off?

That’s cool if it works for your family, but it doesn't have to be that way and it sounds like OP does not want his household run this way.

Figure out what you want. Ask her what she wants and perhaps try to meet each other halfway.

My point is that for most households, that split is common, and it’s the wife doing all those things. I’m not saying he shouldn’t renegotiate the labor split, just saying its a pretty common one, with the wife taking those duties on in addition to a full-time job.

I agree with this. She does her own laundry, cleans and organizes every other week weekend, and plans birthday parties (and likely summer care, camps, etc.). It sounds like she also does most of the shopping for the household including clothes/groceries (or is OP buying the lunchables?), and possibly the cleaning of the rest of the house outside the kitchen.
It’s not as much as most wives do, but it’s more than most husbands do.

I was also going to say this actually doesn't seem like a bad split of household duties, assuming she is doing all the other stuff that he didn't mention. Maybe it's that OP doesn't like the chores he's responsible for and resents that, but it seems like a conversation about changing who does what (or rotating) would be a first step before separating.

And here's where I call BS no involved paren would call kids under 10 upper elementary. This seems like some bored guy trying to turn the tables on women.

Op here. Middle elementary. Both under 10.

Anonymous wrote:Why did you put "school" in quotes if they are in late elementary school? I thought this meant daycare.

I have two boys in fifth and sixth grade. I am not going to say that there is no work involved in parenting them because they definitely have their own needs. But they can make their own breakfast and lunch, and it certainly isn't more work to get them to do chores than it is to do them myself. Maybe you need to change up your parenting style and be a little more hands off.

Same I was thinking kids under 10 like 1-5 years old. LAte elementary is like 10-12 years old. Old enough to be in charge of brushing hair/teeth and getting dressed for school old enough to be helping with chores around the house a little bit.

Try it out OP it will be hard at first, but worth it. You can even add rewards or incentives if they do well with it. Just institute that they need to do their chores/homework before screens every day even on the 2 days with mom and if it's not done the lose screen time, meaning you lock all their devices. I may even consider doing this as a team approach , meaning they all do their part or they all lose screens.

Why did you put "school" in quotes if they are in late elementary school? I thought this meant daycare.

I have two boys in fifth and sixth grade. I am not going to say that there is no work involved in parenting them because they definitely have their own needs. But they can make their own breakfast and lunch, and it certainly isn't more work to get them to do chores than it is to do them myself. Maybe you need to change up your parenting style and be a little more hands off.