Anonymous
Post 01/12/2021 18:24     Subject: parents insist on using my "married" name
Anonymous wrote:I never changed my name when we got married.
DH didn't seem to care at all.
My parents insist on using my "married" name.
They use every explanation:
1) they couldn't remember I didn't change it
2) they were trying to make things easier for the postman
3) is it even legal to not change my name? (i am a lawyer--um, no)
4) they just assumed it changed automatically, and i am being difficult or incorrect
5) they didn't want to upset DH (like he didn't know about my name?)
They aren't particularly conservative on anything else, know plenty of women who didn't change their name, etc.
They make a big point to mail things to me under my "married" name.
I don't know why this drives me crazy, but it does.


Tell your parents as soon as its safe to do so you're scheduling an evaluation for them. Tell them you are very concerned that they are unable to remember the simplest information.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2021 16:13     Subject: Re:parents insist on using my "married" name
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I didn't realize people cared so much... it's just a name. Most of the time people will refer to you by your married name because it's easier. I address Christmas cards to two of my friends who didn't change their name to The "Maiden Name" Family.... is the husband offended by this? I think you ladies need to lighten up. There are much bigger issues: equal pay, glass ceiling, etc. to warrant your attention, then some stupid name that was your Dad's, and his Dad's, and his Dad's before that.


A name is never just a name. My name is my choice. Refusing to call me by my chosen name is deeply disrespectful.


I have a hard time believing that people who say it's not a big deal would not be upset if they had family members who refused to call them by their name, or insisted on calling them by a nickname they found offensive or irritating.

Also, that last line really pisses me off. My name is as much my name as my dad's name. Women own their names just as much as men do.


DP. It is just a name. A name that you didn't even pick out. How can you be so weirdly attached to it that you're digging in like this? That seems crazy to me. Do you get upset when people use the "name" but mispronounce it? Just lighten up a little. Life goes better when you unclench.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2021 15:59     Subject: Re:parents insist on using my "married" name
Anonymous wrote:That is weird and annoying.

We used to get tons of mail to "The [DH's last name] Family" and I finally just posted a thing on social media reminding people that I had not changed my last name and that the appropriate designation was either "The [my last name]-[his last name] Family" or just "[My full name] & [his full name]".

I heard through the grapevine that a few people were embarrassed when they saw it, to realize they had done something that offended me. At first, I felt bad about that -- I wasn't trying to call people out or make anyone feel bad. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized: there is nothing wrong with letting people know what your name is or what you prefer to be called. And honestly, if in the year 2021, you are just assuming women are taking their husbands' names and not even bothering to do a modicum of legwork to find out (look at their Facebook profile! send a short text saying "oh, I'm sending you mail -- are you going by your name or did you take Larlo's?", etc.) maybe you should be mildly embarrassed. Because that's presumptuous and kind of ignorant.


If someone is trying to be nice and send a holiday greeting or other mail, why slap them back in the face? When you're offended by a card and then announce it on social media, you really have to sit down and think that maybe it's you. It's amazing how little grace people have.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2021 15:51     Subject: parents insist on using my "married" name
Anonymous wrote:With mail, just put “Return to sender. No one here by that name”


this. eventually they will use the right name if they want to communicate in writing.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2021 15:34     Subject: parents insist on using my "married" name
Anonymous wrote:I definitely try to be respectful of this. But also, many families just have one last name (I know not ALL families!). So people default to that. I realize now it's a thing with your parents so that makes it more irksome. I'd probably just talk to them about it at a non-mail receiving time so they know how much it bothers you.

I do find it interesting though that so many women keep their names out of principle, but then give their children their DH's last name. That was the main reason I changed name: to match my future kids.


I kept my name and gave my last name to my child as a middle name. We gave the baby my husband's last name because she is the only grandchild on his side of the family, and my FIL was diagnosed with late stage cancer shortly before she was born. So it was a way to honor his family, not a default but a conscious choice. Had my FIL not gotten sick, I think I likely would have pushed for a hyphenated name.

Names are very personal. You don't know what is going on in someone else's family.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2021 15:25     Subject: parents insist on using my "married" name
My family does this, as do my in-laws. It's incredibly rude and passive aggressive and I pull no punches with them on it. Whenever DH gets all huffy about it ("why are you making such a big deal out of this?!") I start calling him by my last name for a week and eventually he'll apologize. No such luck with the rest of them.

It's been 17 years, my parents finally reverted back to addressing me by my actual name, but my brothers have not. Nor have my in-laws.

My SIL (DH's sister) is absolutely adamant that I must go by my DH's last name, that is shows commitment and one family and all that BS. She's on her second marriage (two weddings in 8 years!), so I used to address things to SILFirstName SIL'sExDHLastName. DH has since taken over addressing all things to her.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2021 14:49     Subject: Re:parents insist on using my "married" name
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I didn't realize people cared so much... it's just a name. Most of the time people will refer to you by your married name because it's easier. I address Christmas cards to two of my friends who didn't change their name to The "Maiden Name" Family.... is the husband offended by this? I think you ladies need to lighten up. There are much bigger issues: equal pay, glass ceiling, etc. to warrant your attention, then some stupid name that was your Dad's, and his Dad's, and his Dad's before that.


A name is never just a name. My name is my choice. Refusing to call me by my chosen name is deeply disrespectful.


I have a hard time believing that people who say it's not a big deal would not be upset if they had family members who refused to call them by their name, or insisted on calling them by a nickname they found offensive or irritating.

Also, that last line really pisses me off. My name is as much my name as my dad's name. Women own their names just as much as men do.


Or if their MIL insisted on calling their baby a nickname they didn't like.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2021 14:48     Subject: parents insist on using my "married" name
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I definitely try to be respectful of this. But also, many families just have one last name (I know not ALL families!). So people default to that. I realize now it's a thing with your parents so that makes it more irksome. I'd probably just talk to them about it at a non-mail receiving time so they know how much it bothers you.

I do find it interesting though that so many women keep their names out of principle, but then give their children their DH's last name. That was the main reason I changed name: to match my future kids.


One of our kids has my husband's last name, and the other has my last name. Both of our last names are long so to hyphenate it would be crazy, and we didn't want to come up with some new name.


My husband said he felt very strongly about our kid having his last name, even though he knew that it was totally irrational. So I got to pick her first and middle names all by myself. Seemed like a fair trade to me, honestly.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2021 14:41     Subject: parents insist on using my "married" name
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I definitely try to be respectful of this. But also, many families just have one last name (I know not ALL families!). So people default to that. I realize now it's a thing with your parents so that makes it more irksome. I'd probably just talk to them about it at a non-mail receiving time so they know how much it bothers you.

I do find it interesting though that so many women keep their names out of principle, but then give their children their DH's last name. That was the main reason I changed name: to match my future kids.


I like my last name, but it's awful to spell. I gave my kids my husband's last name because it's easy to spell, and no one gets it wrong.


My parents had a really difficult to spell last name, so they gave me a totally different last name that was easy to spell. I kept it because I liked it better than my husband's last name, but it has no relationship to my ancestry or anything. It's just a name.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2021 14:34     Subject: parents insist on using my "married" name
Anonymous wrote:I definitely try to be respectful of this. But also, many families just have one last name (I know not ALL families!). So people default to that. I realize now it's a thing with your parents so that makes it more irksome. I'd probably just talk to them about it at a non-mail receiving time so they know how much it bothers you.

I do find it interesting though that so many women keep their names out of principle, but then give their children their DH's last name. That was the main reason I changed name: to match my future kids.


I like my last name, but it's awful to spell. I gave my kids my husband's last name because it's easy to spell, and no one gets it wrong.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2021 14:33     Subject: parents insist on using my "married" name
Anonymous wrote:I definitely try to be respectful of this. But also, many families just have one last name (I know not ALL families!). So people default to that. I realize now it's a thing with your parents so that makes it more irksome. I'd probably just talk to them about it at a non-mail receiving time so they know how much it bothers you.

I do find it interesting though that so many women keep their names out of principle, but then give their children their DH's last name. That was the main reason I changed name: to match my future kids.


One of our kids has my husband's last name, and the other has my last name. Both of our last names are long so to hyphenate it would be crazy, and we didn't want to come up with some new name.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2021 14:33     Subject: parents insist on using my "married" name
Ha! My parents would have insisted on calling me by my birth name, if I had changed my name after my wedding. As I didn't change it, we're all good.

Maybe return to sender. This is what my aunt had to do with her relatives They learned quickly after that!
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2021 14:30     Subject: parents insist on using my "married" name
Anonymous wrote:I never changed my name when we got married.
DH didn't seem to care at all.
My parents insist on using my "married" name.
They use every explanation:
1) they couldn't remember I didn't change it
2) they were trying to make things easier for the postman
3) is it even legal to not change my name? (i am a lawyer--um, no)
4) they just assumed it changed automatically, and i am being difficult or incorrect
5) they didn't want to upset DH (like he didn't know about my name?)
They aren't particularly conservative on anything else, know plenty of women who didn't change their name, etc.
They make a big point to mail things to me under my "married" name.
I don't know why this drives me crazy, but it does.


My parents are like this and it's been 10 years. At some point, I just stopped caring because honestly, they are the only ones who do this, and honestly, if it makes them happy, who cares? I know what my name is, and so does my husband.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2021 14:29     Subject: Re:parents insist on using my "married" name
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I didn't realize people cared so much... it's just a name. Most of the time people will refer to you by your married name because it's easier. I address Christmas cards to two of my friends who didn't change their name to The "Maiden Name" Family.... is the husband offended by this? I think you ladies need to lighten up. There are much bigger issues: equal pay, glass ceiling, etc. to warrant your attention, then some stupid name that was your Dad's, and his Dad's, and his Dad's before that.


A name is never just a name. My name is my choice. Refusing to call me by my chosen name is deeply disrespectful.


I have a hard time believing that people who say it's not a big deal would not be upset if they had family members who refused to call them by their name, or insisted on calling them by a nickname they found offensive or irritating.

Also, that last line really pisses me off. My name is as much my name as my dad's name. Women own their names just as much as men do.
Anonymous
Post 01/12/2021 14:28     Subject: parents insist on using my "married" name
I'd love my daughters to keep my name alive, I'm surprised the dad is adamant about you having your husband's name