Anonymous wrote:How did it affect you? Spouse is constantly angry. Feels like we (children and I) are walking on eggshells at home and don’t know what will set spouse off. When spouse is upset, spouse will yell and throw stuff (not at us). Spouse was not always like this, it’s related to the pandemic and a stressful job. We have young children and I’m worried about how this is affecting them.

Anonymous wrote:How did it affect you? Spouse is constantly angry. Feels like we (children and I) are walking on eggshells at home and don’t know what will set spouse off. When spouse is upset, spouse will yell and throw stuff (not at us). Spouse was not always like this, it’s related to the pandemic and a stressful job. We have young children and I’m worried about how this is affecting them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But if divorce, the child is then alone with the angry parent and without all the grown-up skills to protect themselves.

I think same question for those that went through, if only 1 parent was angry but not physically, do you have thoughts on parents together v. divorced?

Yes, I posted on this earlier in the thread. The divorce was good for us since the non-angry parent had primary custody and we only had to see the angry parent in a very limited capacity.

Anonymous wrote:I recently had a memory of my sister doing something and of me being worried that it would set my dad off. I was 3! I realize that I was able to monitor my dads moods and plan my behavior accordingly while in preschool. As an adult I am hyper vigilant, startle easily. I also have a really hard time identifying my own emotions and struggle with being aware of when I am stressed or even physically in pain. It's almost like growing up monitoring someone else's emotions left me little time to reveal my own. Trust issues in relationships and really bad at handling conflict or standing up for myself.

Anonymous wrote:Some of you probably had truly terrible parents. Some of you also need some resilance… there are things kids can do even very young kids that are downright dangerous to themselves and/or others and they need to be dealt with in a manner that conveys to the person doing them that they are to never do that again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was terrible, and I still have a hard time not believing that I’m responsible for others’ behavior. Plus I think I have kind of perpetuated the cycle. DH says he feels like there is a lot he can’t say because he doesn’t know how I will react to it; he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me.

But I have worked a lot on my anxiety and I am on meds, so I think it’s getting better. We have a good relationship and I’m a decent parent because he is patient with me and I have committed to be calm around my kids. I don’t yell but I do get irritated, and they feel like they are responsible for my irritation. I have tried to explain that they aren’t and have pointed out that my reactions depend on my mood, not their behavior, so hopefully that will sink in.

But I still feel like I have a better relationship with DH and my kids than a lot of posters here. I never yell and I cultivate emotional closeness with my family. I work hard on it, maybe in part because I know how awful it was living with my mom who yelled and just seemed too caught up in her own emotions to be there as a good parent.

Also I would consider divorcing your husband, honestly. I know that it’s soooo complicated and I don’t know what the right decision is or what your circumstances are, but his behavior is emotionally abusive to your kids. My parents divorced and the time spent with my dad was a good respite from my mom. And he was careful not to say anything bad about her, so it was easy to still love her despite everything.

But if divorce, the child is then alone with the angry parent and without all the grown-up skills to protect themselves.

Anonymous wrote:Some of you probably had truly terrible parents. Some of you also need some resilance… there are things kids can do even very young kids that are downright dangerous to themselves and/or others and they need to be dealt with in a manner that conveys to the person doing them that they are to never do that again.

Again, some of your parents probably misfired, some of you only remember your parents anger and maybe fear, and some of you need to not crumble so easily.



As for op, dial down the dramatics. If your spouse was a nice person before the pandemic, this is in most cases fixable.

First, make sure you are treating your spouse well, i.e. make sure you aren’t showing all your kindness and concern to the nanny, the Starbucks lady, the Amazon driver the schoolteacher, your spouse needs to be the main person you are kind to.

Second, where is your spouse working? If it’s at home, know that many bosses don’t treat people well who work from home. The attitude is “all you have to do is log in” so things like good sleep, healthy schedules, healthy boundaries go out the window.

When my husband worked from home, he’d get phone calls at all hours and felt like his day was never over, there was no mental space to say “everybody go home, see you when you’re fresh”.

Also, make sure your spouse isn’t experiencing a reaction to something at work that is upsetting him or her. Looking at viruses under a microscope can be great… until someone you loves gets the virus. Firefighters and police go through this, and I think other people do too, it just isn’t talked about.


Finally, make sure your pandemic plans aren’t abusive. It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do, it does matter that you are on the same page. Be willing to give in ways you may not have thought about.

For example, I remember being in tears because we didn’t have an ingredient I wanted for cooking. My husband told me he’d get it on the way home, but I needed it to put in the food before baking it and he wouldn’t be home in time for that to happen. I had kids doing online school and couldn’t leave them home or bring them to the store with me. I ordered the ingredient from Wegmans and had it delivered along with some other things that we didn’t need, but that we’d use and because I had to get to the minimum delivery amount.

It took awhile for my husband to understand that on that day, that ingredient mattered to me, as in it really mattered. He’s been going to work in an office during the pandemic and at time doesn’t have a good perspective as to what’s going on at the house. I didn’t want to think of something else to cook, and I couldn’t cook what I had been wanting to cook without the ingredient. I remember telling him “it’s 2020, I don’t have to wait to get this done, not living where we live, in 1980 maybe I would have, but it isn’t 1980”.

Make sure your expectations and responses are appropriate to the time, the place and your spouse. What may have been fine for your mom or grandma isn’t fine for your spouse. What you think may have been fine for your mom or grandma may not have been fine at all. I remember my mom saying “your father forgot the f**cking milk” many times when I was growing up. Usually she was right, he had forgotten the f**cking milk, and the milk mattered to her.
Lastly, know that you can divorce your spouse, the beauty of being an adult is that the only relationships you have to be in are the ones you want to be in.

Anonymous wrote:I recently had a memory of my sister doing something and of me being worried that it would set my dad off. I was 3! I realize that I was able to monitor my dads moods and plan my behavior accordingly while in preschool. As an adult I am hyper vigilant, startle easily. I also have a really hard time identifying my own emotions and struggle with being aware of when I am stressed or even physically in pain. It's almost like growing up monitoring someone else's emotions left me little time to reveal my own. Trust issues in relationships and really bad at handling conflict or standing up for myself.

Anonymous wrote:How did it affect you? Spouse is constantly angry. Feels like we (children and I) are walking on eggshells at home and don’t know what will set spouse off. When spouse is upset, spouse will yell and throw stuff (not at us). Spouse was not always like this, it’s related to the pandemic and a stressful job. We have young children and I’m worried about how this is affecting them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But if divorce, the child is then alone with the angry parent and without all the grown-up skills to protect themselves.

I think same question for those that went through, if only 1 parent was angry but not physically, do you have thoughts on parents together v. divorced?

Anonymous wrote:My father is a very fragile, insecure, explosive person. Hair-trigger temper and a frightening, literally mouth-frothing volatility. A monster.

Growing up with a parent like that is like walking on eggshells or in a minefield. Choose your metaphor. You never knew what would set him off and how explosive the outburst will be or if it was your "turn". I was a very timid, shy child, constantly second-guessing myself even when I knew I was right.

At the same time, I knew how important image was to my parents, so I became an expert at compartmentalizing and bottling things up. I was a high achiever in school and in all activities because I didn't want to give him a reason to pick on me. I was extremely hard on myself. I developed an eating disorder at 14 because I heard the things my dad said about overweight people and knew that if I gained just a little weight, it would give him a reason.

As a young adult, I was a people pleaser. I didn't rock the boat. Confrontation scared me. I shut down in stressful situations. Fortunately, I had the wherewithal to make an appointment with the counseling center almost the moment I stepped on campus in college. It's been a process of healing every since.

So yes, get help for your spouse. Or leave, for your and your kids' sakes. These issues are very difficult to fix, and childhood abuse is the gift that keeps on giving.