Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating three months and you’re already planning your love together? He’s the one who needs to run.

That's my thinking. Besides that, OP is looking for a husband who works 9 - 5.

OP here. I’m not looking for a guy that works those hours. I’m fine with longer hours. I just want someone who doesn’t work weekends and holidays. I want a man who will be an involved father.

Hmm...maybe you could send out a memo in your community asking people not to get sick, get into accidents, or donate organs on weekends and holidays.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating three months and you’re already planning your love together? He’s the one who needs to run.

That's my thinking. Besides that, OP is looking for a husband who works 9 - 5.

OP here. I’m not looking for a guy that works those hours. I’m fine with longer hours. I just want someone who doesn’t work weekends and holidays. I want a man who will be an involved father.

He will work some weekends and holidays.

He will also be on call sometimes, which means, he might be home but he would need to leave at any minute so don't plan anything that you would get upset about if he leaves. If you want him to paint a room or take the kid to the circus when he is on call, he probably wouldn't because if he gets called he would need to leave. If he worked an overnight call, he would come home and sleep. So it's a post-call day that you consider as his day off but he'll be tired and might not be up to a full day of planned activities.

If you can be flexible with your time and schedule, if you can be supportive of his career (because mentally it takes a toll on both of you), if you have enough money for a full time nanny, if you're okay with celebrating some holidays solo or on days that are different from the actual day, then it can work. If you don't have a lot of friends with doctor spouses, then start making some or you will get resentful and jealous of your 'regular working couple' friends having weekends together or the spouse doing drop off and pick up at school.

I'm not trying to steer you away, he can still be an amazing husband and father. Your life will just be different from what you might be used to or expecting. I wish someone had been this brutally honest with me when I got married. I would have been better prepared for it and adjusted my expectations way earlier. If you both love each other and you are willing to adjust your expectations and be more flexible, then go for it!

We my MD husband works a ton and his time isn’t flexible but he’s a wonderful father. It works bc my job is more traditional hours wise and we have a full time nanny. If he is the person for you this shouldn’t be a deal breaker.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating three months and you’re already planning your love together? He’s the one who needs to run.

That's my thinking. Besides that, OP is looking for a husband who works 9 - 5.

OP here. I’m not looking for a guy that works those hours. I’m fine with longer hours. I just want someone who doesn’t work weekends and holidays. I want a man who will be an involved father.

He will have to work some holidays and weekends. If that is a deal breaker, then you should move on. Some fathers are around all the time and not involved, some aren't around much but spend the time they are present in a quality way with their children. Time home doesn't always equal quality time- that depends on the person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re just going to have to find a very reliable nanny or have family to help if you don’t want your career to be compromised. It’s not that hard to make it work and I wouldn’t write him off because of this schedule. Talk to him about the schedule - maybe this current one is temporary until he gets some seniority

OP here. He is new at his job and downstairs have any seniority. He works the hours more experienced don’t what to work. He likes the OT because it’s helps with school loans. I hope it changes and he doesn’t have to work weekends.

Maybe, maybe not. If he has school loans it doesn't sound like he has family money. Right now he is working OT to pay off loans, but that turns into paying off a mortgage, college funds, retirement, private schools, investments...there is always something to work harder and more hours for. Like I said, Drs actually have to work for the money they earn. Don't assume when school loans are paid off he will never work overtime, pick up extra holidays, or moonlight at another hospital.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating three months and you’re already planning your love together? He’s the one who needs to run.

That's my thinking. Besides that, OP is looking for a husband who works 9 - 5.

OP here. I’m not looking for a guy that works those hours. I’m fine with longer hours. I just want someone who doesn’t work weekends and holidays. I want a man who will be an involved father.

Anonymous wrote:Dating three months and you’re already planning your love together? He’s the one who needs to run.

OP here. We are both older and have been talking about getting serious. We both know what we want and aren’t going to waste 2-3 years until we decide if we want a commitment. We are both interested in marriage and kids soon. We both don’t want to wait.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a doctor. He works some holidays but NBD—we just celebrate the day before or after.

What’s his specialty?

OP here. He’s an anesthesiologist. He’s not a resident but is a new doctor. He finished his schooling a year ago.

They are more 7-5 if they work for a hospital or surgery center.

Not all of them. Many work longer hours and weekends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a doctor. He works some holidays but NBD—we just celebrate the day before or after.

What’s his specialty?

+1

You get used to it. Lots of benefits from being married to a physician.

OP here. I’m not looking to marry because he’s a high earner. The most important thing to me is having a husband who is an involved father. I make a good amount of money and don’t need a man who makes a doctors salary to be happy.

He can be available and uninvolved, or he can have limited availability and still be involved. This depends more on his character than his job. You need to talk to him about these issues.

This. If he stays in Anesthesia expect at least some working on holidays and weekends for the rest of his career. DH works holidays and we work around it. He's a wonderfully involved dad and supportive husband with a kind heart and is incredibly intelligent. I'm the default parent for everything but I see the same in my friends' marriages who are not married to doctors. So I think you need to step back and look at the full picture.

OP here. He will be an anesthesiologist for his entire career.

Anonymous wrote:This thread has humble brag written all over it.
Oh poor OP!

OP. Not really.

Anonymous wrote:You’re just going to have to find a very reliable nanny or have family to help if you don’t want your career to be compromised. It’s not that hard to make it work and I wouldn’t write him off because of this schedule. Talk to him about the schedule - maybe this current one is temporary until he gets some seniority

OP here. He is new at his job and downstairs have any seniority. He works the hours more experienced don’t what to work. He likes the OT because it’s helps with school loans. I hope it changes and he doesn’t have to work weekends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating three months and you’re already planning your love together? He’s the one who needs to run.

That's my thinking. Besides that, OP is looking for a husband who works 9 - 5.

Marry a banker?

Anonymous wrote:Dating three months and you’re already planning your love together? He’s the one who needs to run.

That's my thinking. Besides that, OP is looking for a husband who works 9 - 5.

Anonymous wrote:This thread has humble brag written all over it.
Oh poor OP!

Nope, Drs don't make that much AND they actually have to work for their money.

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t expect to be be the default parent and don’t want to get used to being solo on some weekends, nights, and holidays then consider this a fling and move on. These are part of the life of being married to doctors in certain specialties.

If kid gets a fever at school, he can’t leave a patient on the table to go pick them up, the school will always call you. If kid throws up before school, he can’t call it in and reschedule patients that booked their surgery weeks or months ago, it will be you that will need to call in sick. He can never work from home. If he takes overnight call, you will likely need to live close to his work not yours. Unless you book your kids’ doctors appts 1-2 months in advance, he won’t be able to take them if he works a day shift because his schedule is booked out at least a month in advance.

- married to a doctor

I agree with the all of above. I'm married to a specialty surgeon. Anesthesiologists do shift work plus some on call time. Their schedule is predictable, set hours, and once they leave work, they are done. In that regard, he has a schedule that is good and you should be able to work around it if you have a career.

But you will still be the default parent, like it or not. You'll need a nanny and/or family help. If you have a career that is not at all flexible and you cannot be default parent, then you will may need significant help from nannies/family.