Anonymous wrote:My Indian MIL has referred to my DH as her ‘cash cow’ I guess the answer would be yes.

First time I ever heard of that term.

I am a foreigner and I jokingly call my kid my meal ticket. That said, my plan is to get subsidized housing and free state medical care, as well as food stamps. The kid will hopefully treat me to nice things but I am not planning on him supporting me.

I truly believe in family and in helping, but financially is too much for me. I don’t even think I could move someone in. My mom is my absolute best friend, but we would both trying to be running my household and it wouldn’t work.

My friends whose parents live with them - it’s so different. Their parents live in the basement, pay rent, help watch the kids and don’t try to run the household. The parents travel a lot and stay at their 3 kids houses for 4 months each.

I am almost 49 and I would make it on my own or die trying rather than marry for wealth. This woman is not much older than me. Why does anyone need to be worrying about who is going to take care of her?

UPDATE- She called us today asking about budgeting to buy a house!

We’re looking over her credit profile now. I’m just happy to have some insight, and she seems excited.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is pretty common in Asian cultures. We have friends born in both China and Korea who took in and supported their parents, but they don't expect their first generation American children to do the same. That said, at least at the beginning they also got free labor. The parents acted like nannies, cooked and made meals so if you take into account the number of years they did that, they paid for part of their retirement with free work.

How old are the parents when they are providing this “free labor”? My own parents have jobs that they enjoy- I don’t see them retiring before they’re about 70 or so, and that seems to be too old an age to expect them to be nannies and cooks.

I feel like it would be kind of unfeeling (and disrespectful) of me to expect my 70-some year old parents to provide household services for me for free. They’ve worked hard all their lives; when they retire, they’ll deserve to relax and enjoy each other’s company.

Also from Asian immigrant family here--we had kids late so parents were on verge of retirement and helped care for our kids through their 70s until they fell into ill health. They were highly educated, and had done a lot of travel and had professional jobs. But culturally--and also the practice of our families--was that of course family would be the first caregivers. I think in the 5 love languages it's the "service" model of love. When my grandmother fell ill at the end of life she was cared for around the clock by her kids--at least two of them were in the house with her 24 hours a day for almost two months. Yes, there are drawbacks to having family do the care, and yes, the burden disproportionately falls on women in many cases. But not having to worry that your money will run out and you will be alone and among strangers at the end of life..that's worth a lot. It's a different model, with its pros and its cons.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is pretty common in Asian cultures. We have friends born in both China and Korea who took in and supported their parents, but they don't expect their first generation American children to do the same. That said, at least at the beginning they also got free labor. The parents acted like nannies, cooked and made meals so if you take into account the number of years they did that, they paid for part of their retirement with free work.

It is VERY common in many other cultures for children to care for their parents, just as their parents cared for them. Not just Asian, but also African.

Is your MIL an immigrant or first generation?

Many if you have an indignant tone, but your are judging her based upon modern US practices, which are not necessarily “correct.” They actually shock people from other cultures (who think we abandon our dear parents to paid strangers or institutions).

I am Indian-American. We live in a multi-generational household and at one point had 4 gens living together. - DH, I, our 2 kids, DH's single sibling, ILs, MIL's mom. We were living in my ILs house and then we decided to move to a bigger house that could accommodate our needs and individual lifestyles. My MIL pretty much ran/runs the house but we pooled in money to outsource every single thing that could be outsourced. My MIL supervised and managed it all - the cleaners, nanny, health care aides, the handyman, the landscaping, the tutors, the cook, the caterers. She is an extraordinary manager and we all appreciate how wonderful she has made our lives, but we would not expect her to do physical labor. The mental burden on her is large enough. If she took care of our kids it was because of her love for them. My children adore her. She has her own pension and investments, as does my FIL. The G-IL who also lived with us was not allowed to give a single cent for living with any of her children because it would be considered terribly unfilial of us. G-IL eventually distributed most of her wealth to her children probably 10-15 years before she passed away, so that they could include that sum in the down payment of their homes. All of her children looked after her and she looked after them in her own way. You do not measure a family unit by the amount of money they can give you. Family is priceless.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Won’t she get a pension if she works at a prison?

She left the prison to work in Admissions, at a college.

How long did she work at the prison?

~10-15 ys, but she was fired.

or cause or other reason. If it was incompetence, she might have a small pension.

With Cause

Anonymous wrote:His mom is 50???? I’m 45 and have a K child. She could marry at 52 and be married for 30 plus years.

She’s gorgeous for 50, so it’s good to hear. Side bar from the retirement perspective she’s 1.5 years from sending her last one to college, and deserves to find her true love.

Reading about you, and telling you about her is like night and day tho, she’s sending hers to college, your sending yours to K!! Wild!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is pretty common in Asian cultures. We have friends born in both China and Korea who took in and supported their parents, but they don't expect their first generation American children to do the same. That said, at least at the beginning they also got free labor. The parents acted like nannies, cooked and made meals so if you take into account the number of years they did that, they paid for part of their retirement with free work.

It is VERY common in many other cultures for children to care for their parents, just as their parents cared for them. Not just Asian, but also African.

Is your MIL an immigrant or first generation?

Many if you have an indignant tone, but your are judging her based upon modern US practices, which are not necessarily “correct.” They actually shock people from other cultures (who think we abandon our dear parents to paid strangers or institutions).

No she’s neither, she did grow up in rural US.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is pretty common in Asian cultures. We have friends born in both China and Korea who took in and supported their parents, but they don't expect their first generation American children to do the same. That said, at least at the beginning they also got free labor. The parents acted like nannies, cooked and made meals so if you take into account the number of years they did that, they paid for part of their retirement with free work.

It is VERY common in many other cultures for children to care for their parents, just as their parents cared for them. Not just Asian, but also African.

Is your MIL an immigrant or first generation?

Many if you have an indignant tone, but your are judging her based upon modern US practices, which are not necessarily “correct.” They actually shock people from other cultures (who think we abandon our dear parents to paid strangers or institutions).

Yes, but these parents are often very involved in their adult children’s lives and help them with cooking, childcare, etc. Often these parents that don’t save a penny are abusive, have mental illness, etc. The situations are totally different.

His mom is 50???? I’m 45 and have a K child. She could marry at 52 and be married for 30 plus years.

Anonymous wrote:It is pretty common in Asian cultures. We have friends born in both China and Korea who took in and supported their parents, but they don't expect their first generation American children to do the same. That said, at least at the beginning they also got free labor. The parents acted like nannies, cooked and made meals so if you take into account the number of years they did that, they paid for part of their retirement with free work.

It is VERY common in many other cultures for children to care for their parents, just as their parents cared for them. Not just Asian, but also African.

Is your MIL an immigrant or first generation?

Many if you have an indignant tone, but your are judging her based upon modern US practices, which are not necessarily “correct.” They actually shock people from other cultures (who think we abandon our dear parents to paid strangers or institutions).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Won’t she get a pension if she works at a prison?

She left the prison to work in Admissions, at a college.

How long did she work at the prison?

~10-15 ys, but she was fired.

or cause or other reason. If it was incompetence, she might have a small pension.

Anonymous wrote:In the USA adult children are LEGALLY responsible for the care of their elderly parents.

No, they aren’t. Some states have ancient laws about this that are never legally enforced. Do some research.

Anonymous wrote:In the USA adult children are LEGALLY responsible for the care of their elderly parents.

Untrue, it varies by state