Do not subject yourself to a lifetime of this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For more context...I am a very frugal person, however I am not cheap. I like quality items that in the end are economical because they last longer. I buy lots of stuff used to save money. I rather have a used high quality item than a new low quality item, and spend les for it.

With respect to my boyfriend here are examples of his cheapness. When he takes me out to dinner he complains about prices. Says things like....are you sure you want to order that? Do you NEED an app/dessert? If the waiter offers me something he declines before I have a chance to say whether I want it or not. If we order takeout and I want extra something say sauce and they charge for it, he grumbles. If I want to go to the movies at night sometimes, he complains because it costs more.

I don’t know exactly how much he makes but it’s six figures.

Nope that is cheap, not frugal, and it is behavior that is destructive to a happy relationship. He is telling you that $1 is more important to him than the little bit of happiness you get from freaking sauce. Hard pass, and I am someone who is very frugal.

I'm kinda cheap and frugal.

It is cheaper to rent a movie and stay home than going to the movies, but it's a different experience, so we do go to the movies once in a while, mostly with the kids.

Packet of extra sauce - I don't go cheap on food. I like good food, so if that extra sauce is a $1 and makes the meal better, then fine

When my kids want to order a really expensive item on the menu, I do say something because he's a kid. I wouldn't say anything if my DH ordered the most expensive item.

I have told my kids a few times to not order the dessert at the restaurant because it's way more expensive than having it at home (same things), but once in a while, we do order a dessert.

But saying this to your GF is a red flag.

His behavior is rude. I don't think he is as great as your initial post implied.

Hard pass after the examples from OP. That’s no way to enjoy life.

My DH is frugal and we had fights early on because he couldn’t see the value of something outside of the price tag. It had a $ cost and that was it. We worked it out but we had to understand each other better as to me, the value of something includes the price but is not limited to it. The value could also include things such as my enjoyment of it, whether it’s an activity that is a good use of our time, etc.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For more context...I am a very frugal person, however I am not cheap. I like quality items that in the end are economical because they last longer. I buy lots of stuff used to save money. I rather have a used high quality item than a new low quality item, and spend les for it.

With respect to my boyfriend here are examples of his cheapness. When he takes me out to dinner he complains about prices. Says things like....are you sure you want to order that? Do you NEED an app/dessert? If the waiter offers me something he declines before I have a chance to say whether I want it or not. If we order takeout and I want extra something say sauce and they charge for it, he grumbles. If I want to go to the movies at night sometimes, he complains because it costs more.

I don’t know exactly how much he makes but it’s six figures.

Nope that is cheap, not frugal, and it is behavior that is destructive to a happy relationship. He is telling you that $1 is more important to him than the little bit of happiness you get from freaking sauce. Hard pass, and I am someone who is very frugal.

My FIL is like this. Don't do it.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For more context...I am a very frugal person, however I am not cheap. I like quality items that in the end are economical because they last longer. I buy lots of stuff used to save money. I rather have a used high quality item than a new low quality item, and spend les for it.

With respect to my boyfriend here are examples of his cheapness. When he takes me out to dinner he complains about prices. Says things like....are you sure you want to order that? Do you NEED an app/dessert? If the waiter offers me something he declines before I have a chance to say whether I want it or not. If we order takeout and I want extra something say sauce and they charge for it, he grumbles. If I want to go to the movies at night sometimes, he complains because it costs more.

I don’t know exactly how much he makes but it’s six figures.

Oh no. Pass. Time to let him go.

OP here. For more context...I am a very frugal person, however I am not cheap. I like quality items that in the end are economical because they last longer. I buy lots of stuff used to save money. I rather have a used high quality item than a new low quality item, and spend les for it.

With respect to my boyfriend here are examples of his cheapness. When he takes me out to dinner he complains about prices. Says things like....are you sure you want to order that? Do you NEED an app/dessert? If the waiter offers me something he declines before I have a chance to say whether I want it or not. If we order takeout and I want extra something say sauce and they charge for it, he grumbles. If I want to go to the movies at night sometimes, he complains because it costs more.

I don’t know exactly how much he makes but it’s six figures.

I don’t know, op, what do you like about him? You surely don’t paint him in a flattering light. Remember this when you get married, none of the people you talk to about your spouse will be enjoying the fun moments you two share or having sex with him, which brings me back to my question “What do you like about him?” What keeps you around?

As for the $2 item, what exactly is it? Is it a charity he doesn’t agree with? Are you insisting he gave a “good tip” when he felt the service was sub par? My husband and I have been out to a couple places where the waitress treated him fine and treated me poorly, talking to me like I’m a child, being abrupt when I ask a question, just making me feel that they’d prefer I’d not been there that day.

What luxuries do you enjoy?

Everybody values money and time differently. I’m not big into donating to charity, though I pay taxes with good cheer. I feel that that is enough, especially because I don’t bennifit from some of the things my tax dollars go to support.

As for tipping, I will pay someone for work that they do, I am just more comfortable when all parties involved know the work scope and price before the work gets started. I will gladly recommend service providers who have done a good job for me, and I will continue to use service providers who do a good job, tipping is just too much of a grey area for me, though I do it because I don’t want people to view me as “stingy” even though they may have had a completely different experience with the exact same service person then I had. The idea that one person feels it’s appropriate to comment on an experience they didn’t have and attach a dollar amount to it is mind-boggling to me.
My husband and I would not do well by youtubing things and fixing things ourselves. If that’s how a couple wants to bond, that’s fine with me. What isn’t fine is telling me I’m wasting money because I choose to hire the same job out.

My husband had some anxiety around money when we got married. It took years to figure it out, though we eventually did.

You need to figure out if your guy is deciding to spend money differently from you, or if he is anxious or has some mental health issue that is manifesting in a socially acceptable fashion.

Cheap is unhealthy, it can lead to doing without which can lead to depression. Be careful with this as the depression is creeping. First you decide you want to save money. Then you decide you don’t need a new car. Then the car breaks down which messes up your day. Then it’s in the shop which messes up your weekend. Then you slowly forget what it is like to feel normal and do normal things.

Ditto for a house, you “don’t need the best house” which is fine. Then you don’t need a nice walking trail because it’s winter and who walks in the winter. Then you “don’t care about what the neighbors do” because you work a lot and aren’t interested in being friendly. Then you ignore the signs that make a neighborhood go from “not very nice” to untennable.

In other words, the bigger the investment (car, house) the harder it is to pull out of it. You also get social pressure to stick with a bad situation “why didn’t you do better research” “maybe this next repair will work” “can’t you find other things to do while the car is in the shop”?

It’s a very tricky slope.


Once we got to the root of my husband’s financial anxiety, he learned he could enjoy himself a bit. He recently bought a car, not his first car, not even our first car as a married couple, and he is thrilled with it. It’s wonderful to see him so happy.

As for luxuries, are you spending $500 on a dress when a $50 dress would look just as pretty and make you feel just as good?

Are your luxuries things your boyfriend can enjoy with you, or are they only things you care about. Is he cheap to compensate for your spending? Is it a luxury because he’s telling you you can’t have it or feels you don’t need it, even thoug he’s free to go out and buy whatever he’d like? I’m thinking of the older men at church who tell young families they don’t “need a fancy car” and then drive out of the parking lot in the same car they just told someone they “didn’t need”.






Given that you two are just dating and are supposed to be enjoying each other, I’d not look too kindly on a guy that always complained if that is what he’s doing. I’d be wondering what he really thought of me or why he was on a date with me. You two are supposed to be in the lovey dovey phase which gives me pause.

For now, I’d enjoy him and stay alert to if his cheapness steals your joy.It’s really no different from telling someone “I’m reading a great book about computer hacking” and they say “You are! How could you read anything that isn’t about the pandemic or the election, damn you are selfish”. Be careful of people who make you feel bad about healthy things that give you pleasure.

I suspect an equivalent amount of complaining about other topics would elicit an equal amount of dislike from OP, but the complainer wouldn't have the appearance of being virtuous "because he's Thrifty."

Most women - hell, most people - don't like someone who's always kvetching.

What really matters is the size of the gap between your and his spending habit and philosophy.

My H is very frugal. I am too, but less so. We work well as a team when it comes to money. The gap between us is relatively small.

My aunt married a frugal guy. She loves luxuries at regular intervals. He thinks it's a waste most of the time. The gap in their case is too wide to bridge. They divorced and each remarried, happily, to more compatible people.

So, he may be virtuously frugal and it may still not work for you if your spending habits are much more different, and there's nothing wrong with either of you. It's a matter of compatibility.

The devil is in the details. I would say my husband is a bit cheap, but it's good to neutral - he's careful with money, and a big saver. Definitely someone who could be like, "eh, it's $2, that's a waste of money." And sometimes it's annoying, but generally, it's a good thing. He's also fine with spending a fair amount on gifts and giving to charity, which is important to me.

So - I would try some hypothetical budget situations on him as you start to get serious. Ex: "I spend $XX per month on clothes. Is that going to be a problem if/when we were to join finances?" and see what he says?

Is he willing to compromise? Does he take into account what's important to you? That's what really matters in the end.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheap or stingy? You can fix/work on cheap, but not stingy. Agree that it could be his background. Definitely something to address. If you are thinking of getting married, definitely get premarital counseling--money is almost always one of the topics.

Cheap and stingy are the same thing. The differentiation is whether he is thrifty/frugal.

Cheap/stingy: affects others, like a bad tipper.

Frugal/thrifty: eschews food waste; drives cars into the ground

The latter is acceptable, the former is not.

I'm glad someone gets the distinction. I AM the latter, but detest the former. Now, if I could just get my non-frugal wife to appreciate the distinction.

Is he smart about where he saved? I dated a guy, who grew up poor, who kept buying wrong sized (because they didn’t have his size, $10 sneakers from Walmart. And was always complaining about his back and feet hurting. I kept trying to convince him that a $70 pair was a better deal because they last longer. He finally caved and bought a more expensive pair and was SHOCKED that his back and feet didn’t hurt anymore. And he didn’t have to replace his shoes every few months.

Anonymous wrote:I'm dating someone who I think is fabulous. We have so much fun together, GREAT sex, are compatible in a lot of ways. One issue is that he's cheap. This scares me. I think it will become an issue down the road. I'm financially responsible, and at the same time enjoy luxuries. He on the other hand is flat out cheap! He constantly comments on the cost of things and how he doesn't want to pay for stuff. Could be something as inexpensive as $2. Anyone married to a cheap spouse? How is it?

I’m the same way OP, and my XH was insanely cheap. It actually affected so much and while it wasn’t the main reason we got divorced it certainly didn’t help. It really starts to become a problem when you go to buy a house and combine finances, etc.