I think these two people need to live separately for awhile and each get therapy. There is no way to rationalize staying in this type of relationship.

OP, I recommend reading up on abusive relationships. Yes, kicking and throwing things are abuse.

Unfortunately, things like counseling (or posting on DCUM) aren’t helpful because counselors assign blame to both parties. But the fact is, with abuse, very often the victim has to resort to abusive tactics themselves to defend themselves. Trying to assign any blame at all to the victim further perpetuates the abuse. There’s a ton of good information online about this.

I was in an abusive marriage and 99% of the time, they don’t get better. Showing them articles or DCUM responses won’t help. Counseling won’t help. They only thing that helps is if they recognize the problem on their own and seek years of individual and group therapy to fix it.

Also, I would never tolerate the attitudes of the PPs on here that “you are selfish, you don’t get nice, you lost the right...” Every human being has the right to make mistakes like the phone alarm going off. Demanding 100% perfection, and reacting with violence when someone fails, is not something I will ever put up with in a relationship again. It’s absolutely reasonable to expect a partner treat you with respect and communicate with you in a non-violent way.

OP here. This is exactly as it went down.

1. Alarm went off. As I’m fumbling in the dark to turn it off, spouse is telling me to shut that f**king thing off. I hit the snooze button and then completely turn it off (or so I thought).

2. Seven minutes later, it goes off again. Since it is already in my hands i turn it off. Spouse then starts violently kicking me - not nudging me to turn off the alarm - and saying “get the f**k out of my bed, calling me a thoughtless a**hole, etc. I grab her ankle to stop her kicking and squeeze hard to sens the message she needs to stop - at which point się says I’m hurting her. I let go, get up and start getting dressed to get out. As I lift up my head, I’m hit directly below my left eye by a hard object that turns out to be an alarm clock deliberately thrown at me as hard as she could throw it, drawing blood.

3. I said again I was sorry the alarm went off, but that does not justify your kicking and throwing the alarm clock, to which they respond my letting it go off in the first was “aggression.”

4. My spouse has serious anger and temper problems. She was almost arrested a few years ago for a road race incident, but I kept her out of jail.

5. It’s going to take me a week or do to leave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, i don’t use the alarm, but iPhone software updated and the alarm is apparently in the Heakth app and went off at 5 am. So, my spouse was justified to start kicking me in bed over it because, IYO, it was loud and I didn’t use headphones? 🙄

You were a jerk. Instead of acting like a victim who has no control over their phone, you should have apologized. The moment you heard the alarm you should have said “I’m so sorry!” It sounds like you waited for your spouse to wake up, you waited for spouse to have enough time to kick you, you waited for spouse to have enough time to yell at you. Then your first response is to start yelling at your spouse that this is not your fault! You sound like a huge brat and I bet this isn’t the first time you’re completely unwilling to take responsibility for mistakes that are 100 % your fault. Even if it was the first time, your response escalated the situation to the ridiculous outcome you describe.

You sound like hell to live with.

They actually both sound like hell to live with, with a toxic dynamic. I hope they don't have kids.

You

are

the

abuser

OP.


Stop.



Just

Stop.

Anonymous wrote:No, i don’t use the alarm, but iPhone software updated and the alarm is apparently in the Heakth app and went off at 5 am. So, my spouse was justified to start kicking me in bed over it because, IYO, it was loud and I didn’t use headphones? 🙄

You were a jerk. Instead of acting like a victim who has no control over their phone, you should have apologized. The moment you heard the alarm you should have said “I’m so sorry!” It sounds like you waited for your spouse to wake up, you waited for spouse to have enough time to kick you, you waited for spouse to have enough time to yell at you. Then your first response is to start yelling at your spouse that this is not your fault! You sound like a huge brat and I bet this isn’t the first time you’re completely unwilling to take responsibility for mistakes that are 100 % your fault. Even if it was the first time, your response escalated the situation to the ridiculous outcome you describe.

You sound like hell to live with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No where did OP indicate they left the alarm “blaring.” In fact, I bet they turned it off immediately, but it we truffle a second time. Nothing in my book justifies what OP’s spouse did. You don’t get to kick or hit just because you are angry. That abuse.

OP wouldn't say if they left it blaring because OP is not a reliable narrator because OP is looking for people ot tell him/her that they are victims so they can have more ammo for their next fight with their spouse.

And for someone who is so concerned with OP's well being you made zero effort to direct OP to services that would help them out of their circumstances.

"Not a reliable narrator" is gaslighting 101.

It's impossible for me to gaslight because I'm not in a relationship with OP. Notice OP Only gave details that supported the idea that he/she is a victim. Notice OP thanked posts that agreed with him/her. Notice OP hasn' bothered to respond in about 2 pages.

Notice you and the other sock puppeteers would rather argue with me than offer resources to OP who you are so concerned about.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: if kicking is abusive, I’m just not sure OP is a reliable narrator here. Very normal when a spouse gently “kicks” to alert the other spouse that their alarm is going off. OP is clearly the person ignoring the alarm and wants to build a case that this is abuse but I sure wouldn’t want to tell a family court judge that the abuse started with alarm clock kick-nudges.

That's actually not normal at all. If you want to wake someone up, you lightly tap them on the shoulder, you say their name, you don't kick them. This isn't how most people live.

NP here. Nope. You don't get he nice wake up when you allow your alarm to go off and do nothing about it, you get nudged with the foot, or the pillow. I'm not fully waking up to coddle you because you don't want to deal with your alarm and think I should. I'm not your mom.

You sound like an angry, violent human being. "Allowing your alarm to go off" is normal human behavior. It taking time to deal with that is normal human behavior. I pray you're not married, or that your violence doesn't escalate.

Nope. I hear my alarm I shut if Off. My spouse does the same thing. WE are not selfish. You lose the right to allow your alarm to blare for minutes on end when you decide to share your room/bed with someone. If you don't want to get up as soon as your alarm goes off use a different type of alarm system, one that vibrates, headphones, etc . Stop expecting your spouse to just deal with your alarm waking them up every day and expecting snuggles for it. Grow up!

"Grow up and start hitting people when they annoy you!" Yeah that's not abuser talk. "React immediately or face my wrath!" You're dangerous.

And no one sleeps in headphones, what are you on?

I was totally right about you. Immature and need to grow up you want to argue with anyone and everyone and have things totally your way toxic and need to seek help.

You're wasting your time arguing with me you need to be calling 911, getting set up with a shelter and a divorce attorney.

You realize I'm not OP, right? I'm in a normal marriage where we don't put our hands on in each other in anger. A mature relationship, if you will.

I'm arguing with you because you're genuinely dangerous. You're here to convince OP that his/her's abuse is normal, the natural consequence of what he/she did wrong. I'm not sure why you're doing that; it seems like your own marriage is a violent one and you're trying to convince yourself that how you behave is normal, but it isn't. OP needs to hear more than your warped perspective.

If you think every spouse who nudges their spouse with their foot or throws a pillow on them instead of showering them with kisses and arm rubs when they refuse to turn their alarm off you are ill-informed, and probably aren't married or haven't been married very long.

You are convinced OP is the victim. As others have said OP is not a very reliable narrator. And OP's subsequent post support that he/she is not looking for help but to further drama in their toxic relationship which is wh my first opinion on them stands, they both need to grow up and seek help.
n

I've been married 20 years. I'm sorry you think that not hitting your spouse is some kind of phase you grow out of. It isn't. I don't "shower" anyone with kisses, but I also don't throw things at them. I use my words, like I'm teaching my children to do. It's ironic to see someone who can't understand that concept telling other people to grow up, but whatever. You're clearly wedded to a narrative that violently kicking people and throwing alarm clocks at them is normal. Hopefully some day your realize it isn't.

For someone who claims to be an abuse prevention advocate, you should realize your phrasing is abusive. As is twisting a person's words and changing the topic of discussion to fit your narrative. You may not be physically abusive but you are definitely verbally abusive.
Nowhere did I say kicking or hitting your spouse is okay. Knudging your spouse with your foot and tosiing your pillow at them when they refuse to turn off their alarm may be unpleasant for them but it is not abusive.

And finally for someone so concerned with stopping abuse in relationships not once did you refer OP to ouside resources.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No where did OP indicate they left the alarm “blaring.” In fact, I bet they turned it off immediately, but it we truffle a second time. Nothing in my book justifies what OP’s spouse did. You don’t get to kick or hit just because you are angry. That abuse.

OP wouldn't say if they left it blaring because OP is not a reliable narrator because OP is looking for people ot tell him/her that they are victims so they can have more ammo for their next fight with their spouse.

And for someone who is so concerned with OP's well being you made zero effort to direct OP to services that would help them out of their circumstances.

"Not a reliable narrator" is gaslighting 101.

Anonymous wrote:No where did OP indicate they left the alarm “blaring.” In fact, I bet they turned it off immediately, but it we truffle a second time. Nothing in my book justifies what OP’s spouse did. You don’t get to kick or hit just because you are angry. That abuse.

OP wouldn't say if they left it blaring because OP is not a reliable narrator because OP is looking for people ot tell him/her that they are victims so they can have more ammo for their next fight with their spouse.

And for someone who is so concerned with OP's well being you made zero effort to direct OP to services that would help them out of their circumstances.

No where did OP indicate they left the alarm “blaring.” In fact, I bet they turned it off immediately, but it we truffle a second time. Nothing in my book justifies what OP’s spouse did. You don’t get to kick or hit just because you are angry. That abuse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: if kicking is abusive, I’m just not sure OP is a reliable narrator here. Very normal when a spouse gently “kicks” to alert the other spouse that their alarm is going off. OP is clearly the person ignoring the alarm and wants to build a case that this is abuse but I sure wouldn’t want to tell a family court judge that the abuse started with alarm clock kick-nudges.

That's actually not normal at all. If you want to wake someone up, you lightly tap them on the shoulder, you say their name, you don't kick them. This isn't how most people live.

NP here. Nope. You don't get he nice wake up when you allow your alarm to go off and do nothing about it, you get nudged with the foot, or the pillow. I'm not fully waking up to coddle you because you don't want to deal with your alarm and think I should. I'm not your mom.

You sound like an angry, violent human being. "Allowing your alarm to go off" is normal human behavior. It taking time to deal with that is normal human behavior. I pray you're not married, or that your violence doesn't escalate.

Nope. I hear my alarm I shut if Off. My spouse does the same thing. WE are not selfish. You lose the right to allow your alarm to blare for minutes on end when you decide to share your room/bed with someone. If you don't want to get up as soon as your alarm goes off use a different type of alarm system, one that vibrates, headphones, etc . Stop expecting your spouse to just deal with your alarm waking them up every day and expecting snuggles for it. Grow up!

"Grow up and start hitting people when they annoy you!" Yeah that's not abuser talk. "React immediately or face my wrath!" You're dangerous.

And no one sleeps in headphones, what are you on?

I was totally right about you. Immature and need to grow up you want to argue with anyone and everyone and have things totally your way toxic and need to seek help.

You're wasting your time arguing with me you need to be calling 911, getting set up with a shelter and a divorce attorney.

You realize I'm not OP, right? I'm in a normal marriage where we don't put our hands on in each other in anger. A mature relationship, if you will.

I'm arguing with you because you're genuinely dangerous. You're here to convince OP that his/her's abuse is normal, the natural consequence of what he/she did wrong. I'm not sure why you're doing that; it seems like your own marriage is a violent one and you're trying to convince yourself that how you behave is normal, but it isn't. OP needs to hear more than your warped perspective.

If you think every spouse who nudges their spouse with their foot or throws a pillow on them instead of showering them with kisses and arm rubs when they refuse to turn their alarm off you are ill-informed, and probably aren't married or haven't been married very long.

You are convinced OP is the victim. As others have said OP is not a very reliable narrator. And OP's subsequent post support that he/she is not looking for help but to further drama in their toxic relationship which is wh my first opinion on them stands, they both need to grow up and seek help.
n

I've been married 20 years. I'm sorry you think that not hitting your spouse is some kind of phase you grow out of. It isn't. I don't "shower" anyone with kisses, but I also don't throw things at them. I use my words, like I'm teaching my children to do. It's ironic to see someone who can't understand that concept telling other people to grow up, but whatever. You're clearly wedded to a narrative that violently kicking people and throwing alarm clocks at them is normal. Hopefully some day your realize it isn't.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: if kicking is abusive, I’m just not sure OP is a reliable narrator here. Very normal when a spouse gently “kicks” to alert the other spouse that their alarm is going off. OP is clearly the person ignoring the alarm and wants to build a case that this is abuse but I sure wouldn’t want to tell a family court judge that the abuse started with alarm clock kick-nudges.

That's actually not normal at all. If you want to wake someone up, you lightly tap them on the shoulder, you say their name, you don't kick them. This isn't how most people live.

NP here. Nope. You don't get he nice wake up when you allow your alarm to go off and do nothing about it, you get nudged with the foot, or the pillow. I'm not fully waking up to coddle you because you don't want to deal with your alarm and think I should. I'm not your mom.

You sound like an angry, violent human being. "Allowing your alarm to go off" is normal human behavior. It taking time to deal with that is normal human behavior. I pray you're not married, or that your violence doesn't escalate.

Nope. I hear my alarm I shut if Off. My spouse does the same thing. WE are not selfish. You lose the right to allow your alarm to blare for minutes on end when you decide to share your room/bed with someone. If you don't want to get up as soon as your alarm goes off use a different type of alarm system, one that vibrates, headphones, etc . Stop expecting your spouse to just deal with your alarm waking them up every day and expecting snuggles for it. Grow up!

"Grow up and start hitting people when they annoy you!" Yeah that's not abuser talk. "React immediately or face my wrath!" You're dangerous.

And no one sleeps in headphones, what are you on?

I was totally right about you. Immature and need to grow up you want to argue with anyone and everyone and have things totally your way toxic and need to seek help.

You're wasting your time arguing with me you need to be calling 911, getting set up with a shelter and a divorce attorney.

You realize I'm not OP, right? I'm in a normal marriage where we don't put our hands on in each other in anger. A mature relationship, if you will.

I'm arguing with you because you're genuinely dangerous. You're here to convince OP that his/her's abuse is normal, the natural consequence of what he/she did wrong. I'm not sure why you're doing that; it seems like your own marriage is a violent one and you're trying to convince yourself that how you behave is normal, but it isn't. OP needs to hear more than your warped perspective.

If you think every spouse who nudges their spouse with their foot or throws a pillow on them instead of showering them with kisses and arm rubs when they refuse to turn their alarm off you are ill-informed, and probably aren't married or haven't been married very long.

You are convinced OP is the victim. As others have said OP is not a very reliable narrator. And OP's subsequent post support that he/she is not looking for help but to further drama in their toxic relationship which is wh my first opinion on them stands, they both need to grow up and seek help.
n

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: if kicking is abusive, I’m just not sure OP is a reliable narrator here. Very normal when a spouse gently “kicks” to alert the other spouse that their alarm is going off. OP is clearly the person ignoring the alarm and wants to build a case that this is abuse but I sure wouldn’t want to tell a family court judge that the abuse started with alarm clock kick-nudges.

That's actually not normal at all. If you want to wake someone up, you lightly tap them on the shoulder, you say their name, you don't kick them. This isn't how most people live.

NP here. Nope. You don't get he nice wake up when you allow your alarm to go off and do nothing about it, you get nudged with the foot, or the pillow. I'm not fully waking up to coddle you because you don't want to deal with your alarm and think I should. I'm not your mom.

You sound like an angry, violent human being. "Allowing your alarm to go off" is normal human behavior. It taking time to deal with that is normal human behavior. I pray you're not married, or that your violence doesn't escalate.

Nope. I hear my alarm I shut if Off. My spouse does the same thing. WE are not selfish. You lose the right to allow your alarm to blare for minutes on end when you decide to share your room/bed with someone. If you don't want to get up as soon as your alarm goes off use a different type of alarm system, one that vibrates, headphones, etc . Stop expecting your spouse to just deal with your alarm waking them up every day and expecting snuggles for it. Grow up!

"Grow up and start hitting people when they annoy you!" Yeah that's not abuser talk. "React immediately or face my wrath!" You're dangerous.

And no one sleeps in headphones, what are you on?

I was totally right about you. Immature and need to grow up you want to argue with anyone and everyone and have things totally your way toxic and need to seek help.

You're wasting your time arguing with me you need to be calling 911, getting set up with a shelter and a divorce attorney.

You realize I'm not OP, right? I'm in a normal marriage where we don't put our hands on in each other in anger. A mature relationship, if you will.

I'm arguing with you because you're genuinely dangerous. You're here to convince OP that his/her's abuse is normal, the natural consequence of what he/she did wrong. I'm not sure why you're doing that; it seems like your own marriage is a violent one and you're trying to convince yourself that how you behave is normal, but it isn't. OP needs to hear more than your warped perspective.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: if kicking is abusive, I’m just not sure OP is a reliable narrator here. Very normal when a spouse gently “kicks” to alert the other spouse that their alarm is going off. OP is clearly the person ignoring the alarm and wants to build a case that this is abuse but I sure wouldn’t want to tell a family court judge that the abuse started with alarm clock kick-nudges.

That's actually not normal at all. If you want to wake someone up, you lightly tap them on the shoulder, you say their name, you don't kick them. This isn't how most people live.

NP here. Nope. You don't get he nice wake up when you allow your alarm to go off and do nothing about it, you get nudged with the foot, or the pillow. I'm not fully waking up to coddle you because you don't want to deal with your alarm and think I should. I'm not your mom.

You sound like an angry, violent human being. "Allowing your alarm to go off" is normal human behavior. It taking time to deal with that is normal human behavior. I pray you're not married, or that your violence doesn't escalate.

Nope. I hear my alarm I shut if Off. My spouse does the same thing. WE are not selfish. You lose the right to allow your alarm to blare for minutes on end when you decide to share your room/bed with someone. If you don't want to get up as soon as your alarm goes off use a different type of alarm system, one that vibrates, headphones, etc . Stop expecting your spouse to just deal with your alarm waking them up every day and expecting snuggles for it. Grow up!

"Grow up and start hitting people when they annoy you!" Yeah that's not abuser talk. "React immediately or face my wrath!" You're dangerous.

And no one sleeps in headphones, what are you on?

I was totally right about you. Immature and need to grow up you want to argue with anyone and everyone and have things totally your way toxic and need to seek help.

You're wasting your time arguing with me you need to be calling 911, getting set up with a shelter and a divorce attorney.