Anonymous wrote:So sorry, OP. As a new college grad, my oldest DD was roofied and raped in the workplace. She doesn’t remember the actual rape, just the guy giving her a Coke and then coming to in a back room in a state of undress. She went straight to the ER. They did everything right there, including offering to call the police. She declined. I was so upset that she did not want to press charges, but she threatened to stop talking to me if I didn’t drop it. After a few weeks, some guy friends paid her rapist a visit and he abruptly left town. She did therapy. While she certainly isn’t over it, she found her own ways of taking her life back. I could have lost our relationship and not helped her at all.

This is likely the most effective remedy and the one my family would have taken. Risky but worthwhile.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

Just stop.

Stop what? Women can either collectively fight this together or rely on the next victim to start the fight. If you don’t fight things will never change. We saw that in 2020 with BLM movement.

+1. Women need to report these men. Otherwise its the same "snitches get stitches" culture that allows men to go on assaulting women with impunity. It sucks, but that's life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

x1000 I think too many people posting here have watched way too much bad tv and haven't worked with real victims like I and probably the PP have. What does the custodial parent say? It is surprising the custodial parent is supporting the silence.

Keep talking to your daughter OP and strongly encourage her to report the crime against her. Reporting the crime can actual bolster her confidence because she now becomes in charge of what happened instead of it being something that happened to her. Did she keep the clothing she was in? Did she take any pictures of bruises? She also would benefit from talking to a licensed therapist, whether that be a LCSW or a psychologist, about her experiences.

You and she might want to read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I bet both of you recognize many of the character traits of her boyfriend in the examples set forth in the book. It could be very helpful and healing for your daughter to see that this assault was NOT her fault and that it WAS the fault of the perpetrator.

A lot of us posting are "real" (what does that mean?) victims and are sharing our personal experiences. Thanks for invalidating them, though.

agree with survivor PP. other PP, I hope you don't work with many victims and really don't believe you do if you think pushing her to report something before she is ready is the best mode of action

so sorry OP. the best advice I can offer you is to not shut her out because you feel you might say the wrong thing or it might be awkward. this happened to me when I was in high school and my father refused to ever acknowledge it because (I'm assuming, as it matches his personality) that it was just too awkward. Even though I never would have wanted to discuss details etc with him, his silence made me feel ashamed. it really shifted the dynamic of our relationship at a time when I wanted to feel protected but instead felt like I needed to just get over it and pretend like it never happened

OP, in addition to the suggestions for counseling for you and your daughter, RAINN has a 24/7 online chat for support - they also have a number to call, but a young person or a survivor of assault may sometimes prefer the anonymity of an online chat instead.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

x1000 I think too many people posting here have watched way too much bad tv and haven't worked with real victims like I and probably the PP have. What does the custodial parent say? It is surprising the custodial parent is supporting the silence.

Keep talking to your daughter OP and strongly encourage her to report the crime against her. Reporting the crime can actual bolster her confidence because she now becomes in charge of what happened instead of it being something that happened to her. Did she keep the clothing she was in? Did she take any pictures of bruises? She also would benefit from talking to a licensed therapist, whether that be a LCSW or a psychologist, about her experiences.

You and she might want to read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I bet both of you recognize many of the character traits of her boyfriend in the examples set forth in the book. It could be very helpful and healing for your daughter to see that this assault was NOT her fault and that it WAS the fault of the perpetrator.

A lot of us posting are "real" (what does that mean?) victims and are sharing our personal experiences. Thanks for invalidating them, though.

Victims of sexual assault are most likely to get past it best when supported by those they are closest to.

Stop talking to her about reporting this to the police. They are NOTORIOUS for victim-blaming and even with cases reported, look at the pathetic statistics of the percentage of those that result in convictions. Your daughter is right. She already had a man refuse to accept when she said no. If you don't stop pushing, then you're not respecting her saying no also.

You don’t have to set aside your feeling to want to bury him alive. Anger can be good for both you and your daughter, as it is part of the healing process. And seeing your anger on her behalf can be good for your daughter. Just be sure to balance it with support and light.

That said, a good therapist is needed. This person will be a neutral outlet for your daughter. Sometimes its easier to tel things to someone you have little connection to and thus has little expectation of you.

Also, be sure your say, out loud, “I believe you, I see you, and I love you.” People need to hear the words as much as they need to experience the emotion and support. Keep encouraging her to report the crime. Reporting the crime is a step to claiming back her power. It’s an official acknowledgement that what happened to her was wrong and against her will.

As she starts to heal, self-defense and exercises classes can also be helpful in regaining a sense of self. Also, Find something to help draw your daughter into/keep her into the present, something dependable. Weekly coffee chat at the same time, e-mail letters or cards, a new hobby/online game, etc. The goal being to constantly reinforce that she is not alone, is beautiful, and more than deserves to stand in the light.

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

x1000 I think too many people posting here have watched way too much bad tv and haven't worked with real victims like I and probably the PP have. What does the custodial parent say? It is surprising the custodial parent is supporting the silence.

Keep talking to your daughter OP and strongly encourage her to report the crime against her. Reporting the crime can actual bolster her confidence because she now becomes in charge of what happened instead of it being something that happened to her. Did she keep the clothing she was in? Did she take any pictures of bruises? She also would benefit from talking to a licensed therapist, whether that be a LCSW or a psychologist, about her experiences.

You and she might want to read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I bet both of you recognize many of the character traits of her boyfriend in the examples set forth in the book. It could be very helpful and healing for your daughter to see that this assault was NOT her fault and that it WAS the fault of the perpetrator.

Anonymous wrote:I know this is hard to hear, but you over-riding her choices would be a further violation. Get her to a counselor, even for a virtual visit, ASAP.

Yes. Also just sit and listen to her without asking for suggestions. Assure her that it is not her fault.

I didn't report. Because it was not a stranger, I was also told it would be extremely difficult to win any kind of charge.

But, OP, your question is bigger than whether to report. You want to know how to support her. I think you're doing the right things. Follow her lead...and ask her how she's doing. Don't only ask/talk about the assault. One of the hardest things for me was learning to see myself as more than the damaged, ruined victim I felt like.

Also, one of the harder things for her will be the next relationship. I can't tell if she was sexually active already, but it'll be even harder for her to have a normal relationship again if she wasn't. This is probably hard for a father to hear/think about, but you should just know that it's very likely coming.

Encourage her to find a therapist she trusts to work through this all, whenever she's ready. For me, I couldn't share with friends and family everything I was feeling. Also, make sure someone is looking out for signs of extreme depression and suicidal ideation. Not everyone has them, but many do.

Anonymous wrote:Please try to document everything you can. Write down and date what she tells you. Ask the custodial parent to take pictures, videotape a statement. Do a rape kit it applicable. Victim may change her mind and it could be empowering in the future for her to have contemporaneous evidence that supports her if she decides later to report.

I think this is good advice.

Anonymous wrote:I would track this guy down and his parents and let them know they did a shitty job raising their son. I would slash his tires, break windows. mail tape brochures to his house, spray paint rapist on his car.

Op dont do what pp suggested. Sometimes it isnt the parents' fault.

Hsas your dd broken up with boyfriend? Try to encourage her to see that she didnt deserve the assault. She deserves better.

Maybe try to repair your relationship?

I didn't report -- was too scared and ashamed -- so when it happened to a friend I pushed her to report and she was slutshamed and treated like a whore by the authorities and her parents. She hated for me that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surprised by these responses and your DD’s reaction. No wonder bad guys keep getting away with sexual assaults. Hope your dd comes out of this without long term trauma.

Go to hell. It's not the fault of victims. It's on rapists to stop raping. It's on police and the courts and colleges and families of rapists to stop victim-blaming, stop covering up, stop promoting rape culture.

+10000000. I don’t know what alternate universe PP lives in but a woman who comes forward like this will lose all her friends and be harassed continually bu her community and by law enforcement.