Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is a bad mother to her oldest child. SHe can be a good mother to two others, but her oldest clearly knows she is neglected. Take this to heart op, do things with your eldest, one on one. Why is she a Cinderella?

Op is not a “bad mother” for having her capable child do chores and and it does not make her daughter a “Cinderella” because she does more chores than her SN siblings. It is good for children to do chores (research has shown this) and most kids complain about doing them and think their mothers are awful, abusive, etc when they make their kids do them. That’s why it is soooo much easier to do it yourself. The difference in this situation is that OP has had a hard go of it and feels bad for not giving this child as much attention as the SN kids, and so took the adolescent gripe seriously.

Anyway, it’s ok that she thinks it’s unfair (I’d remind her it’s unfair that her siblings got cancer/ADHD too), but she can’t disrespect you like that OP.

No. She is not a bad mother. She is a horrible mother
The daughter should not suffer because of the other two. I had a friend in school who younger sister was always sick and had Down syndrome. By the time she was grown she hated her mother and didn't she'd a tear or go to funeral service of either her sister or mother.

Your daughter is neither your maid nor babysitter, OP. Empty your own damn dishwasher!

You know what, it's normal. You were enforcing a boundary.

And...she needs more attention. Can you two take a walk together once a day?

Just tell DH. The other kids will survive. Time to build your relationship with the nine year old before she's a surly pre-teen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nah, it’s the age and love of screens. My 9 year old acts the same way, although he wouldn’t dare curse- he says I’m mean and it’s unfair. Make a chore chart and stick to your consequence.

I call BS. It’s 4:48 am and you’re on your screen calling out a kid in an objectively difficult home situation. Is it an innate lack of empathy or is it your love screens?

This is a tough dynamic because as the oldest girl, parents subconsciously already demand more household chores. That combined with the other kids issues means her parents probably don’t even notice how much more they’re asking of her. She’s still a kid. And I bet it stings to always be the one being the one getting yelled at for chores when her brother and baby sister get praise just for existing.

I have insomnia; I’m not addicted to screens. My point was that even if everything was perfect her dd would still probably complain about chores. That’s not what makes her a bad mom. Now, not giving her daughter any attention is a different story. And OP, remind your daughter that everyone will get age appropriate chores, and fair does not mean equal.

Anonymous wrote:As much as the other two have been a handful for you, we always have to remember the other kids have needs too. Sometimes all it takes is acknowledgment that it is hard to be the sibling of a child with with special needs, but sometimes it is useful to find a therapist, or even the school counselor, who can be an outside the family adult for the child to share feelings and frustrations about the situation without guilt.

OP, you are no a sh***y mom. You're a mom who loves her kids and is dealing with a lot.

I'm a middle kid, but I was kind of your oldest DD being the only one out of three without high needs/health problems etc. While I came to understand how my parents were doing the best they could, it still takes a toll to be the emotionally neglected child. I don't know all the things my parents could have done to make it better, but one thing that would have gone a long way was a little affection and recognition. I didn't receive a lot of either.

I think if you consciously spent even 5-10 min just being kind to your oldest, asking her about things in her life, letting her know you're proud of her...it will pay off a lot in the long run. Maybe also confide in her (in an age appropriate way) how you feel sometimes. If you are tired, let her know you're tired. If you yell at her, apologize since that's never the best way to handle something. Tell her you know that.

Also, be kind to yourself. You're not a bad mom. You're overwhelmed and being asked to do a lot. Approach this as simply a way to love your DD and give her what she needs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DD needs someone to talk to. Maybe a little therapy. She's going through a lot of the difficulties you are but she is a child and her near memories are all of others being the center of attention. No blame here, but its understandable.

This made me think of something that OP might want to look into: having DD spend some time with an adult (likely female) relative, maybe an aunt who would be willing to spend some time on DD? I wouldn’t do it right away but it’s good for girls to get attention and support from family members who aren’t their parents. When I was a teenager I spend time with both my aunt and grown cousin and it was great for me.

Then in 10 years, OP is posting here crying that her DD is closer to the substitute mom that was willing to meet the child’s emotional needs.

I never said that OP should offload her daughters need for emotional intimacy on a substitute mom. It’s just good for a child to have good relationships with other adults and the idea that a mother should be singularly responsible for meeting their children’s emotional needs is a very modern one, and not practical. I did say that OP shouldn’t do it right away; she needs to try to connect more with her DD first, but DD is young and will need more emotional support down the road. Plus it’s awesome to have support from somebody who is wise but not your mom.

Anonymous wrote:Go to PEP. There is great help available there--and it's all online now.

http://pepparent.org

Second this - take one of their online courses. Will give you some tools to use to cope and talk to your kids. Also, your husband needs to help more. If he won't help you after you talk with him, get into therapy. If he won't after that, divorce him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DD needs someone to talk to. Maybe a little therapy. She's going through a lot of the difficulties you are but she is a child and her near memories are all of others being the center of attention. No blame here, but its understandable.

This made me think of something that OP might want to look into: having DD spend some time with an adult (likely female) relative, maybe an aunt who would be willing to spend some time on DD? I wouldn’t do it right away but it’s good for girls to get attention and support from family members who aren’t their parents. When I was a teenager I spend time with both my aunt and grown cousin and it was great for me.

Then in 10 years, OP is posting here crying that her DD is closer to the substitute mom that was willing to meet the child’s emotional needs.

OP, kids can be jerks. You’re not a sh**ty mom, even if you haven’t been able to give your oldest the attention she needs. It’s not fair to her AND that also doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom.

Focus on what support you can get yourself and her. Are there ways you can afford (literally) to make your life easier? Things you can throw money at to buy more time/calm?

Focus on caring for yourself first and connecting with your daughter. Your family has been/is going through an enormous amount, and you deserve compassion and grace.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is a bad mother to her oldest child. SHe can be a good mother to two others, but her oldest clearly knows she is neglected. Take this to heart op, do things with your eldest, one on one. Why is she a Cinderella?

Op is not a “bad mother” for having her capable child do chores and and it does not make her daughter a “Cinderella” because she does more chores than her SN siblings. It is good for children to do chores (research has shown this) and most kids complain about doing them and think their mothers are awful, abusive, etc when they make their kids do them. That’s why it is soooo much easier to do it yourself. The difference in this situation is that OP has had a hard go of it and feels bad for not giving this child as much attention as the SN kids, and so took the adolescent gripe seriously.

Anyway, it’s ok that she thinks it’s unfair (I’d remind her it’s unfair that her siblings got cancer/ADHD too), but she can’t disrespect you like that OP.

So it’s ok to teach your oldest that their sibling is a burden and that they have to pick up the slack?

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your DD needs someone to talk to. Maybe a little therapy. She's going through a lot of the difficulties you are but she is a child and her near memories are all of others being the center of attention. No blame here, but its understandable.

This made me think of something that OP might want to look into: having DD spend some time with an adult (likely female) relative, maybe an aunt who would be willing to spend some time on DD? I wouldn’t do it right away but it’s good for girls to get attention and support from family members who aren’t their parents. When I was a teenager I spend time with both my aunt and grown cousin and it was great for me.

Go to PEP. There is great help available there--and it's all online now.

http://pepparent.org

Anonymous wrote:She is a bad mother to her oldest child. SHe can be a good mother to two others, but her oldest clearly knows she is neglected. Take this to heart op, do things with your eldest, one on one. Why is she a Cinderella?

Op is not a “bad mother” for having her capable child do chores and and it does not make her daughter a “Cinderella” because she does more chores than her SN siblings. It is good for children to do chores (research has shown this) and most kids complain about doing them and think their mothers are awful, abusive, etc when they make their kids do them. That’s why it is soooo much easier to do it yourself. The difference in this situation is that OP has had a hard go of it and feels bad for not giving this child as much attention as the SN kids, and so took the adolescent gripe seriously.

Anyway, it’s ok that she thinks it’s unfair (I’d remind her it’s unfair that her siblings got cancer/ADHD too), but she can’t disrespect you like that OP.

Anonymous wrote:lol at all these posters saying OP is a sh!tty mom. I’m sure they are just doing brilliantly in all aspects of their lives and their kids will never have legitimate complaints about them in therapy.

+1

Totally agree. OP has already done better and harder parenting than I suspect any of them will ever have to face.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These two take up all my time and energy.

So who is giving 9DD time and energy if you are not? Just because she is easy doesn't mean she should have to raise herself.

Where is the dad? The OP had two more kids with useless DH should have stopped with one.

Anonymous wrote:These two take up all my time and energy.

So who is giving 9DD time and energy if you are not? Just because she is easy doesn't mean she should have to raise herself.