Anonymous wrote:My DH has two adult brothers in their late twenties who live at home with their parents who are now in their mid to late 60s and have some chronic medical issues. One brother employed, the other is not and will not likely be employed any time soon. They do not do any chores around the house as far as I can tell. It's likely one or both will eventually need to live with us. MIL who has some mobility issues but does all cooking, cleaning and laundry. I find this situation very troubling and feel it is holding her sons back from becoming independent, but I've never felt it was appropriate to say so and I think DH feels similarly.

DH is not like this - he is very much an equal partner in raising our DD and doing chores. We both WOH (well, telework now) full time.

MIL has recently made comments to me about how in her culture (different from mine) women sacrifice themselves for the family, how she takes care of her sons because she feels that is her role, and how women are responsible for taking care of parents when they get old. Of course, that's true in many cultures, and it makes sense to me she feels that way, but I don't intend to carry on that tradition. If her sons live with us, I won't be doing their laundry, for example. Of course I will help take care of her, but I expect DH and his brothers to take primary responsibility for that. I'm not sure what DH's expectations are with respect to me caring for his mother. With his brothers, I suspect he will end up doing a lot and it will cause strain all around. I haven't brought it up because the subject of his brothers his family in general is very sensitive for him, he worries about them terribly and still hopes his brothers will both become independent. Is this the sort of thing where I should let sleeping dogs lie? Or should I make my position more clear to him now?

Anonymous wrote:My DH has two adult brothers in their late twenties who live at home with their parents who are now in their mid to late 60s and have some chronic medical issues. One brother employed, the other is not and will not likely be employed any time soon. They do not do any chores around the house as far as I can tell. It's likely one or both will eventually need to live with us. MIL who has some mobility issues but does all cooking, cleaning and laundry. I find this situation very troubling and feel it is holding her sons back from becoming independent, but I've never felt it was appropriate to say so and I think DH feels similarly.

DH is not like this - he is very much an equal partner in raising our DD and doing chores. We both WOH (well, telework now) full time.

MIL has recently made comments to me about how in her culture (different from mine) women sacrifice themselves for the family, how she takes care of her sons because she feels that is her role, and how women are responsible for taking care of parents when they get old. Of course, that's true in many cultures, and it makes sense to me she feels that way, but I don't intend to carry on that tradition. If her sons live with us, I won't be doing their laundry, for example. Of course I will help take care of her, but I expect DH and his brothers to take primary responsibility for that. I'm not sure what DH's expectations are with respect to me caring for his mother. With his brothers, I suspect he will end up doing a lot and it will cause strain all around. I haven't brought it up because the subject of his brothers his family in general is very sensitive for him, he worries about them terribly and still hopes his brothers will both become independent. Is this the sort of thing where I should let sleeping dogs lie? Or should I make my position more clear to him now?

Anonymous wrote:As someone with mental health challenges, I urge you to consider that this “caretaking” is ruining your BIL’s chance at any kind of self-actualization or growth. If you don’t have to grow to survive, you don’t grow. Your MIL is not taking care of him. She is choking him to death with “care”.

Anonymous wrote:If MIL dies, you can assist in any way you want, but what if she is only incapacitated and tries to roost from her bed? The PP ^^ suggesting a therapist is a great idea.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can understand the taking care of family cultures. I’m part of one.

If I were in this situation, I would make it clear that BIL would be required to seek treatment while living with us. I wouldn’t bother telling MIL that he will be washing his own clothes, etc. It would just cause conflict or anxiety. You just make his chores part of the lifestyle in your house. He will do his clothes because no one else will. Once he’s with you, in your home, MIL can complain if she wants but there’s really nothing she can do and she will know that.

Question - do you or does anyone else have experience with compelling a person to get treatment in this way? Does this actually work?

I don’t have any experience, sorry. My thought is that you and your husband need to have a straight talk with him and let him know that he needs to give it a try in order to live with you. This really needs to come mostly from your husband. I would throw in that you both need to look after the well being of your child and his mental health while living in your home affects your child. Hopefully the MIL will see this side of it to and also encourage him.

Since this is a family takes care of family culture, he will hopefully know that you both are on his side, and as a family member he needs to respect your wishes and at least give it a try. It would be disrespectful to completely refuse.

No they don't believe in mental health care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can understand the taking care of family cultures. I’m part of one.

If I were in this situation, I would make it clear that BIL would be required to seek treatment while living with us. I wouldn’t bother telling MIL that he will be washing his own clothes, etc. It would just cause conflict or anxiety. You just make his chores part of the lifestyle in your house. He will do his clothes because no one else will. Once he’s with you, in your home, MIL can complain if she wants but there’s really nothing she can do and she will know that.

Question - do you or does anyone else have experience with compelling a person to get treatment in this way? Does this actually work?

I don’t have any experience, sorry. My thought is that you and your husband need to have a straight talk with him and let him know that he needs to give it a try in order to live with you. This really needs to come mostly from your husband. I would throw in that you both need to look after the well being of your child and his mental health while living in your home affects your child. Hopefully the MIL will see this side of it to and also encourage him.

Since this is a family takes care of family culture, he will hopefully know that you both are on his side, and as a family member he needs to respect your wishes and at least give it a try. It would be disrespectful to completely refuse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can understand the taking care of family cultures. I’m part of one.

If I were in this situation, I would make it clear that BIL would be required to seek treatment while living with us. I wouldn’t bother telling MIL that he will be washing his own clothes, etc. It would just cause conflict or anxiety. You just make his chores part of the lifestyle in your house. He will do his clothes because no one else will. Once he’s with you, in your home, MIL can complain if she wants but there’s really nothing she can do and she will know that.

Question - do you or does anyone else have experience with compelling a person to get treatment in this way? Does this actually work?

Anonymous wrote:My DH has two adult brothers in their late twenties who live at home with their parents who are now in their mid to late 60s and have some chronic medical issues. One brother employed, the other is not and will not likely be employed any time soon. They do not do any chores around the house as far as I can tell. It's likely one or both will eventually need to live with us. MIL who has some mobility issues but does all cooking, cleaning and laundry. I find this situation very troubling and feel it is holding her sons back from becoming independent, but I've never felt it was appropriate to say so and I think DH feels similarly.

DH is not like this - he is very much an equal partner in raising our DD and doing chores. We both WOH (well, telework now) full time.

MIL has recently made comments to me about how in her culture (different from mine) women sacrifice themselves for the family, how she takes care of her sons because she feels that is her role, and how women are responsible for taking care of parents when they get old. Of course, that's true in many cultures, and it makes sense to me she feels that way, but I don't intend to carry on that tradition. If her sons live with us, I won't be doing their laundry, for example. Of course I will help take care of her, but I expect DH and his brothers to take primary responsibility for that. I'm not sure what DH's expectations are with respect to me caring for his mother. With his brothers, I suspect he will end up doing a lot and it will cause strain all around. I haven't brought it up because the subject of his brothers his family in general is very sensitive for him, he worries about them terribly and still hopes his brothers will both become independent. Is this the sort of thing where I should let sleeping dogs lie? Or should I make my position more clear to him now?