To the PP saying you must get a FWB...loving couples adapt by coming to a compromise. But if she thinks that menopause gives her an excuse to not have sex and he just has to deal with it, then of course its essentially condoning him going elsewhere. Only the naive think their celibacy is also their spouses celibacy.

Anonymous wrote:

Eli_whitney wrote:Met my DW in college and together for 20 years..had a great time in bed until a year or two ago. I can identify with the frustration and more importantly the lack of attention, ease and intimacy that I was used to for such a long time. I am too attached to take any drastic step and everything else is more or less fine too. Sometimes, I wish I could get that little bit elsewhere of have FWB and get a release. I tried to sense her pulse on this, but DW doesn't want to talk about it or do anything. For her, it is my issue. We were going for counselling for what DW thought were other issues btw us, and the lack of intimacy came up too. However, that's a non issue for her..for those wondering if I have been an a**** for which we were seeing the therapist, DW has been on anti depressants for a decade now. So, I am hanging in there..just moved to a new job in a different location, and using this space to gather myself.

Menopause, buddy. Her body is changing and you need to adapt without getting a FWB.

Menopause, buddy. Her body is changing and you need to adapt BY getting a FWB.

Fixed that for you.

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering if this was started by the OP whose feelings were hurt the other morning when her husband rudely rebuffed her feelings of desire towards him. If so, I’m glad she started this post. Going along the other thread, it doesn’t seem to be an isolated incident.
At first I thought he must be having an affair (which is absolutely happening, even with covid) but then I got to thinking about it and I wonder if he isn’t terribly depressed. Often times depression presents as anger, self-loathing and a feeling of being undesirable regardless of the actions of others.
OP, I hope you’re ok. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m sure it’s very demoralizing but there’s a good chance it has nothing to do with you and is simply a side effect of how low he’s feeling. So many people need good therapy right now. Maybe this is something that could help. Best to you.

I thought the same thing.

I am sorry for what you are going through, OP. Truth is, unless you have been chronically sexually rejected in a marriage, you have zero idea how devastating it feels. I have come to accept it's not a problem that can be solved. You learn to cope, you cheat or you divorce.

OP, I’m right there with you. People on here will tell you it’s porn, or an affair, or he’s gay, but there are other marriages out there with guys with lower drive. I actually posted about this about a week ago.

DH and I are early 40s. He’s happy with sex plain vanilla sex once a week. I am not. I’m reasonably fit and attractive (no big changes from when we were dating 15 years ago) but he’s always had lower drive, and it’s worse as we’ve aged and stress has piled up. It doesn’t help that he’s really really bad at talking about.

I have no answers for you, but you’re not alone. And it sucks to be told that every guy would have daily sex if he could because that’s obviously not the case. I’m a pretty confident, adventurous person but it does a number on you not to feel desired in that way when all the messages you hear are that obviously that just can’t be and it must be an affair or whatever.

I just raised the issue of counseling with him. We discussed his openness to it before we married as I saw it being a long term issue but I’ve yet to press it. Given how hard it is for him to even talk about sex I’m skeptical that’s be fruitful but I’m 41yo and feel like it’s now or never for good sex.

I'm a 52 DW and experiencing a crazy upward swing. I have talked to DH multiple times over the last two years, and it seems to be falling on deaf ears. Nothing is changing him. He wants nothing to do with me, and it's really sad. I think this year, I'm giving him a "New Year's Resolution" package to "us." I hope it works.

I’m the same age and experienced a boost in my drive in the last year or so. My husband is older and his drive had been dwindling for a while now. I started working out every day and begged him to join me, thinking that might help. No dice.

It IS so confusing when if feels like the roles are reversed with respect to sex drive.

Is someone with low testosterone able to comment on how if feels? Like do they know something is wrong or do they not care?

Anonymous wrote:PP forgot gay.

Yeah, he’s gay and that’s okay. Not judging.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happened to me for a few months, and it turned out to be low testosterone. Once he started shots, things were much better!

Can you tell us more about this? I'm a DH and my desire has been seriously lagging since our kid was born. I also went from working out 3x per week at the office gym to zero once my kid was born. I don't have the energy, stamina, or mojo. I'm thinking it might be low T, but not sure where to get tested or inquire. Is this covered by insurance? What are the costs?

Thanks.

Start with a primary card doctor to get your testosterone levels tested. It’s just a simple blood test from any local lab. My DH then saw an endocrinologist who prescribed the treatment for low t, and monitors his levels. All was covered by insurance.

Anonymous wrote:Happened to me for a few months, and it turned out to be low testosterone. Once he started shots, things were much better!

Can you tell us more about this? I'm a DH and my desire has been seriously lagging since our kid was born. I also went from working out 3x per week at the office gym to zero once my kid was born. I don't have the energy, stamina, or mojo. I'm thinking it might be low T, but not sure where to get tested or inquire. Is this covered by insurance? What are the costs?

Thanks.

Happened to me for a few months, and it turned out to be low testosterone. Once he started shots, things were much better!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...so this was my issue, and like some other women posted, it was bad bc the lack of interest/the rejection over a decade made me then not want it from him anymore. We are divorcing.

This.

It's the same for men, the posters who say the sex will come back when kids get older are delusional. You eventually stop seeing your spouse as sexual and become resentful at the idea that they are suddenly interested and you should be too.

Couples that stop having sex are doomed to divorce or cheating. Sorry,Op.

Yeah I tougher out a sexless marriage for seven years and finally threw in the towel and divorced.

Eli_whitney wrote:Met my DW in college and together for 20 years..had a great time in bed until a year or two ago. I can identify with the frustration and more importantly the lack of attention, ease and intimacy that I was used to for such a long time. I am too attached to take any drastic step and everything else is more or less fine too. Sometimes, I wish I could get that little bit elsewhere of have FWB and get a release. I tried to sense her pulse on this, but DW doesn't want to talk about it or do anything. For her, it is my issue. We were going for counselling for what DW thought were other issues btw us, and the lack of intimacy came up too. However, that's a non issue for her..for those wondering if I have been an a**** for which we were seeing the therapist, DW has been on anti depressants for a decade now. So, I am hanging in there..just moved to a new job in a different location, and using this space to gather myself.

Menopause, buddy. Her body is changing and you need to adapt without getting a FWB.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many men are asexual. Its such a self esteem killer. Sitting in conversations where women complain their husband's hound them for sex makes it even worse.

This is why I thinks it's actually worse for women. I have to endure my friends laugh about all the ways they avoid their hot dog husbands and I can't get mine to look at me.

It makes it impossible to confide in anyone. They give you bedroom tips as if you are an inexperienced nun. It’s so tone deaf and isolating.

Anonymous wrote:...so this was my issue, and like some other women posted, it was bad bc the lack of interest/the rejection over a decade made me then not want it from him anymore. We are divorcing.

This.

It's the same for men, the posters who say the sex will come back when kids get older are delusional. You eventually stop seeing your spouse as sexual and become resentful at the idea that they are suddenly interested and you should be too.

Couples that stop having sex are doomed to divorce or cheating. Sorry,Op.