Anonymous
12/13/2020 09:31
Subject: Re:How to deal with ptsd related to infidelity
Anonymous wrote:DP. When I sought therapy after discovering my husband had a double life for 4.5 years, my therapist told me I was suffering all of the classic signs of PTSD and my treatment would be similar. He did say it was a “trauma” and it is treated through “trauma counseling”.
So, OP, I would find a good trauma therapist. You should also be in couples therapy.
Your husband’s behavior is concerning though. Mine never blamed me or refused to let me talk and ask questions as much as I wanted—and he answered them. He is still in his own individual therapy.
Good luck. It sounds like either he has a lot of shame and it hurts too much to go there or he doesn’t really have remorse. It should be his job to do anything to help you heal. If he’s not willing to do that, you will need to make some decisions.
He says he had a dark time and had a mental break. He is trying to move forward and feel like everything is ok and when I keep bringing up the affair it takes him back to a bad place. Idk.
Anonymous
12/13/2020 09:21
Subject: How to deal with ptsd related to infidelity
Anonymous wrote:You need a trauma counselor. My bestie is one and there are an unbelievable number of women going thru this.
As my friend said, it's about 90% women.
Unfortunately, men don’t get help usually. There’s even more shame when a man’s wife cheats. It’s an affront to their manhood and they aren’t conditioned to talk about emotions. As a woman, I was too embarrassed and ashamed to tell people and I know it was not my fault in anyway.
Anonymous
12/13/2020 09:10
Subject: Re:How to deal with ptsd related to infidelity
DP. When I sought therapy after discovering my husband had a double life for 4.5 years, my therapist told me I was suffering all of the classic signs of PTSD and my treatment would be similar. He did say it was a “trauma” and it is treated through “trauma counseling”.
So, OP, I would find a good trauma therapist. You should also be in couples therapy.
Your husband’s behavior is concerning though. Mine never blamed me or refused to let me talk and ask questions as much as I wanted—and he answered them. He is still in his own individual therapy.
Good luck. It sounds like either he has a lot of shame and it hurts too much to go there or he doesn’t really have remorse. It should be his job to do anything to help you heal. If he’s not willing to do that, you will need to make some decisions.
So, OP, I would find a good trauma therapist. You should also be in couples therapy.
Your husband’s behavior is concerning though. Mine never blamed me or refused to let me talk and ask questions as much as I wanted—and he answered them. He is still in his own individual therapy.
Good luck. It sounds like either he has a lot of shame and it hurts too much to go there or he doesn’t really have remorse. It should be his job to do anything to help you heal. If he’s not willing to do that, you will need to make some decisions.
Anonymous
12/13/2020 08:27
Subject: Re:How to deal with ptsd related to infidelity
Anonymous wrote:Op here. How can my husband help me in this? He doesn’t want to discuss anything and just wants to move on. He shuts me out and ignores my pleas for a discussion.
If he is not willing to put in the work it’s over. Don’t be desperate for someone that clearly doesn’t care about you.. Cheating is one thing and you
Forgave him, the way he is acting now is unforgivable. Get yourself into a good therapist so you get the courage to leave. Do you have kids?
Anonymous
12/13/2020 05:40
Subject: Re:How to deal with ptsd related to infidelity
Anonymous wrote:Please don’t call it PTSD. That terms is incredibly overused and it minimizes the seriousness of the disorder.
+1,000,000
Anonymous
12/13/2020 03:00
Subject: Re:How to deal with ptsd related to infidelity
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here. When I tell him that I’m sad about what happened he says I am “playing games to make him feel bad” and that it’s cruel to keep asking him to go to a place that makes him feel shame.
Why have you decided to stay? It doesn’t look like he’s serious about making amends or has any remorse.
Yep, he still sounds like a selfish, empathetic jerk. I doubt he'd bat an eye if she cheated on him too. Usually these types are poly.
Anonymous
12/13/2020 02:46
Subject: Re:How to deal with ptsd related to infidelity
Anonymous wrote:Op here. When I tell him that I’m sad about what happened he says I am “playing games to make him feel bad” and that it’s cruel to keep asking him to go to a place that makes him feel shame.
Why have you decided to stay? It doesn’t look like he’s serious about making amends or has any remorse.
Anonymous
12/13/2020 01:16
Subject: How to deal with ptsd related to infidelity
Anonymous wrote:Cut.him.loose.
You will never trust him again.
Just my thoughts!
Anonymous
12/13/2020 01:12
Subject: Re:How to deal with ptsd related to infidelity
Anonymous wrote:Op here. How can my husband help me in this? He doesn’t want to discuss anything and just wants to move on. He shuts me out and ignores my pleas for a discussion.
He could help by not continuing to hurt you, which is what he is doing.
Anonymous
12/13/2020 00:05
Subject: Re:How to deal with ptsd related to infidelity
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here. How can my husband help me in this? He doesn’t want to discuss anything and just wants to move on. He shuts me out and ignores my pleas for a discussion.
OP, he doesn't want to "move on". He wants to take zero responsibility for his behavior and zero responsibility for repairing the relationship he broke. You cannot heal in a marriage like that. Nor should you want to. He is literally giving you no evidence that your feelings matter, that he has regret, or that he won't do it again.
At the bear minimum he should want to go to counseling with you. If he refuses, you should go for yourself. Hopefully through that counseling you will discover why you would want to stay with someone who has so little regard for you.
Good luck, OP.
+ 💯
(And yes, EMDR will help either way so please make the investment with a good specialist)
Anonymous
12/12/2020 22:44
Subject: How to deal with ptsd related to infidelity
Anonymous wrote:My husband cheated on me last year. We have decided to stay together. My husband wants to move on however I am struggling with random crying spells, inability to sleep and panic attacks.
How can I move forward?
What does moving forward look like for you? Seriously.
Anonymous
12/12/2020 20:26
Subject: How to deal with ptsd related to infidelity
Cheating is a deal breaker for me. I married for life. So YES this would be the worst thing ever.
I have lost both my parents suddenly in my 20s. I have been assualted requiring surgery which still has physical signs on my body. I have had by best friend die at 19. I have kids with mental isses..
Getting cheated on would be more traumatic than any of those. My narriage of 26 years would be done.
I have lost both my parents suddenly in my 20s. I have been assualted requiring surgery which still has physical signs on my body. I have had by best friend die at 19. I have kids with mental isses..
Getting cheated on would be more traumatic than any of those. My narriage of 26 years would be done.
Anonymous
12/12/2020 20:20
Subject: Re:How to deal with ptsd related to infidelity
Anonymous wrote:Op here. When I tell him that I’m sad about what happened he says I am “playing games to make him feel bad” and that it’s cruel to keep asking him to go to a place that makes him feel shame.
Please tell me you aren't having sex with him.
Anonymous
12/12/2020 20:19
Subject: Re:How to deal with ptsd related to infidelity
Anonymous wrote:Same here.
I’m looking into EMDR therapy.
I have read really hopeful things about it, particularly for this.
It works.
Make a decision from a place of empowerment, not while you feel threatened in any way.
Anonymous
12/12/2020 20:18
Subject: Re:How to deal with ptsd related to infidelity