Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry you are going through all this. I've been there and the pain and confusion can be overwhelming. Make sure you know the full extent of the affair and if your husband is truly remorseful and committed to you before you make any decisions. I did not want to blow up my children's lives and was planning on trying to make the marriage work. Then I found out my husband lied about how serious the extra-martial relationship really was and I had a nagging feeling he was never truly sorry about it, just that he got caught. We're divorced now which presents a new set of challenges, but I knew that I could never trust or respect him again and had to get out.

+1. Their was initial “remorse” but it was only because he got caught. I kept uncovering more lies and realizing I was never going to trust him again. We are divorced as well and I feel so much relief. So sorry OP but it will get better, just depends how much you can tolerate.

^skip Esther Pedro - she’s a cheater’s apologist. Not Just Friends is great.

The marriage can be reconciled, but your Dah has to do the heavy lifting. Rugsweeping will not work (as the PP who didn’t bring it up to her husband after the affair found out). Go to survivinginfidelity.com.

^ mine was not enmeshed with his mom. Exact opposite, he had a distant, cold and absent mom. So first book not helpful. Kind of like a male “daddy’s girl” thing. Looking for attention and love and drama...

Anonymous wrote:OP- you need a therapist and you need to hear from people on both sides. There are some people that came out better.

I cannot recommend:
Betrayed Wives Club website enough

There are real stories of highly successful marriages after recovery. You only usually hear the disaster stories. Read all of the comments at the end of the blog posts.

Read:
Esther Perel’s “surviving infidelity”
And Shirley Glass’ “not just friends”

People do and can change with work (it will depend on the person and the work they do).

It’s your job to discern if your husband is the type that can. Don’t make any final decisions until 6 months- year.

65% of marriages survive affairs. 65-70% of 2nd marriages end in divorce.

Something to think about.

Great points and recommendations!

Adding:
"When He's Married to Mom"
"Why Won't You Apologize"
"Difficult Conversations"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I found out DH ever cheated it would over. I’d never trust him again. Why stay? I’m not a doormat.

That’s like saying you would never ever bottle feed before you have a baby or that you would never give your kid a cell phone in middle school when you are not a parent.

We all say that for chrissakes. Do you know anybody that says “hey, if my spouse cheats I’m staying!!”.

I’ve seen people swear up and down at the start of a marriage, but 20-years into a good marriage and three kids in the house and thinking of putting them first...you might be surprised how different you feel. It’s indescribable.

+1, like being ripped apart from the depths of yourself

Anonymous wrote:mine cheated. it hurt a lot at first but we talked through it. i understand why it appeals to him (his mother abandoned him at age 2 and he has a fear of abandonment and doesnt believe he's actually lovable). i listened, really listened, and i totally forgave him. i don't even mind anymore. it forced us to have some really deep and painful conversations and it brought us closer than i could have ever imagined.

He really should be in therapy for those issues too. Talking with you is not enough. Those are deep wounds.

I’m happy for you.

OP- you need a therapist and you need to hear from people on both sides. There are some people that came out better.

I cannot recommend:
Betrayed Wives Club website enough

There are real stories of highly successful marriages after recovery. You only usually hear the disaster stories. Read all of the comments at the end of the blog posts.

Read:
Esther Perel’s “surviving infidelity”
And Shirley Glass’ “not just friends”

People do and can change with work (it will depend on the person and the work they do).

It’s your job to discern if your husband is the type that can. Don’t make any final decisions until 6 months- year.

65% of marriages survive affairs. 65-70% of 2nd marriages end in divorce.

Something to think about.

mine cheated. it hurt a lot at first but we talked through it. i understand why it appeals to him (his mother abandoned him at age 2 and he has a fear of abandonment and doesnt believe he's actually lovable). i listened, really listened, and i totally forgave him. i don't even mind anymore. it forced us to have some really deep and painful conversations and it brought us closer than i could have ever imagined.

I did but in retrospect, I shouldn't have. He did it two more times. 22 years down the drain, he moved out last month.

If you stay, 4 non-negotiables:
1) vasectomy
2) post-nuptial agreement with high value items in your name
3) he does individual therapy indefinitely
4) total transparency

That will weed out somebody that really wants to stay and gives you reassurance and a safety policy.

Anonymous wrote:My spouse had an affair and he was very much in love with his affair partner. He broke off the relationship and we stayed together, but our marriage was never the same and we struggled a lot. My spouse died five years ago and I found out after his death that he was still in contact (and probably in love) with his affair partner. Knowing what I know now and what we went through, I would probably let him go and I should have filed for divorce. I think that I was scared of the unknown, being a single parent etc. Living in peace is much better than living with the constant knot in your stomach always fearing the worst.

My personal opinion is that a marriage will never be the same after such a full blown affair and it is generally best to separate. Wishing you all the best in whatever you decide to do.

THIS. There will ALWAYS be fear and mistrust lurking in your mind. It's exhausting.

Anonymous wrote:If I found out DH ever cheated it would over. I’d never trust him again. Why stay? I’m not a doormat.

That’s like saying you would never ever bottle feed before you have a baby or that you would never give your kid a cell phone in middle school when you are not a parent.

We all say that for chrissakes. Do you know anybody that says “hey, if my spouse cheats I’m staying!!”.

I’ve seen people swear up and down at the start of a marriage, but 20-years into a good marriage and three kids in the house and thinking of putting them first...you might be surprised how different you feel. It’s indescribable.

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. Tried to reconcile. He moved out temporarily, moved back in and we spent thousands on counseling. Then, less than a year later, he did it again. There is a reason the saying once a cheater, always a cheater exists. It takes a specific type of person to have an entire relationship, meaning emotional and physical connection all while lying to their spouse and family. That type of person is damaged and will run into someone else's arms again eventually. It's almost universal.

In case it wasn't clear, we divorced. I wish I had the guts to do it after the first affair because I ending up wasting so much time, money and emotional energy on someone who only cares about themselves.

BTDT. Tried to reconcile. He moved out temporarily, moved back in and we spent thousands on counseling. Then, less than a year later, he did it again. There is a reason the saying once a cheater, always a cheater exists. It takes a specific type of person to have an entire relationship, meaning emotional and physical connection all while lying to their spouse and family. That type of person is damaged and will run into someone else's arms again eventually. It's almost universal.

The “love affairs” concern me more than the NSA (no strings) arrangements. The former has a lot more emotion involved and would be a much larger betrayal to me than if it was a just any “body”.

My sister stayed after the latter type because there was another woman but not really the “other woman”. They didn’t know each other prior and had occasional hook ups. The psychology was much different. It’s using someone’s body like a shot of vodka to numb pain or escape vs being in love. There was no deep love or longing when apart from her. It was never meant to be anymore.

My BIL did a ton of therapy and really changed how he coped with life and emotion and broke down compartments. He had a lot of childhood trauma that went unaddressed. Their last kid left for college and they are like honeymooners at almost 30 years together. They were always very compatible and had a good relationship other than that midlife affair.

I have a ton of respect for how they dealt with the crisis. Both (yes the cheater too) were crushed by it and he has spent his life since being a good man, doing therapy and being a wonderful dad and husband. She said therapy was wonderful and they communicate better and don’t take one another for granted. He has great remorse for that period in time, but my sister doesn’t continue to hold it over his head.