Anonymous
12/08/2020 17:01
Subject: Re:At what point do you call it quits?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you. He may not have been taught how to pull his own weight as a kid, so in this case you need to start back from square one.
Make a chore chart, which clearly outlines your tasks, and his tasks. If your kids are old enough, maybe even have them help you with something. If he doesn't get his tasks done, then he has to pay to hire someone to do them. If he doesn't get one of his tasks done that could easily be done by you, he has to pay you for you to do it. That should get him to do the tasks.
As well as doing this, also withhold privledges that relate to the tasks. Ex.
DH: I wanna go play outside with the kids.
OP: Well, because you didn't mow, you can't play out there because you could get ticks. But, if you do it now, after you and the kids are done you can go outside.
Or:
DH: Time to go to our fancy dinner!
OP: Well, you didn't help me clean up the house today, so the house is a mess. We can't leave the house with it looking like this. But, if you help me do it now, then we can go tommorrow.
Hopefully this helps!
I don't mean to be unkind, but this is just having a third child. There is no reason on earth that anyone should have to engage in this sort of ridiculousness with their spouse.
He’ll get angry and lash out if you do that, show him his shortcomings. He definitely won’t apologize, clean up his messes and then pack the diaper bag and whisk OP off to the restaurant and park.
Yup. He doesn't wish to help. If you ask him angrily or cheerfully or however else, he still isn't going to wish to help, and you cannot make him, and he is abundantly aware of that. There is no answer to "how do I get my angry, resentful husband to act like a grown-up and take some responsibility", because this is entirely in his hands. The things my husband said to me when we were going through this phase were insane. He told me, entirely seriously, that there was no point in cleaning because it was just going to get messy again, and then got angry at me for cleaning. But he would also get angry if our place was messy, so really what he wanted was for everything to be done with no evidence that anyone was doing it and with no contributions from him. This was not about me and it's not about you.
Anonymous
12/08/2020 16:49
Subject: At what point do you call it quits?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And definitely stop waking him up. Tell him you’re not doing it anymore and then don’t do it.
This. You will get better results if you follow through on your boundaries. He probably perceives you as not serious and just fussing at him because you don't follow through.
How is it that he is emotionally available yet counseling has failed and he DGAF about being fair to you?
This. Also, stop doing things that are not necessary. Men often have very different ideas about what is necessary and what is merely a leisure activity, and then are perplexed and annoyed when their wife burns herself out doing unnecessary things and gets upset about it. Take a very hard look at everything you do, and see if you can eliminate it or dial it back. Holiday stuff is a great example. Don't decorate as much and send out your card late. Because it really doesn't matter! Cut back kid activities, food that is fancier than needed, and question which of your family obligations are real and which are self-imposed and nobody but you actually cares about. Get rid of all that stuff and you will have more time.
That’s the ticket: Do Nothing!
No traditions, no extra curricular clubs or sports or music, no weekend outings, no shopping for stuff, no planning trips, no meals out. Just all four of you stay at home and do nothing. Your kids don’t need any life experiences or skills, just so nothing! So simple. It will clearly make everything better, this sinking to the lowest denominator parenting.
That is not it. OP should only do the things that are genuinely important to herself and/or the children, and should examine everything she does in that light.
Anonymous
12/08/2020 16:42
Subject: Re:At what point do you call it quits?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you. He may not have been taught how to pull his own weight as a kid, so in this case you need to start back from square one.
Make a chore chart, which clearly outlines your tasks, and his tasks. If your kids are old enough, maybe even have them help you with something. If he doesn't get his tasks done, then he has to pay to hire someone to do them. If he doesn't get one of his tasks done that could easily be done by you, he has to pay you for you to do it. That should get him to do the tasks.
As well as doing this, also withhold privledges that relate to the tasks. Ex.
DH: I wanna go play outside with the kids.
OP: Well, because you didn't mow, you can't play out there because you could get ticks. But, if you do it now, after you and the kids are done you can go outside.
Or:
DH: Time to go to our fancy dinner!
OP: Well, you didn't help me clean up the house today, so the house is a mess. We can't leave the house with it looking like this. But, if you help me do it now, then we can go tommorrow.
Hopefully this helps!
I don't mean to be unkind, but this is just having a third child. There is no reason on earth that anyone should have to engage in this sort of ridiculousness with their spouse.
He’ll get angry and lash out if you do that, show him his shortcomings. He definitely won’t apologize, clean up his messes and then pack the diaper bag and whisk OP off to the restaurant and park.
Anonymous
12/08/2020 16:40
Subject: At what point do you call it quits?
Anonymous wrote:If he's emotionally available you should be able to go to him and tell him what you've told us. You can't do this anymore, you're considering divorce, and if he is unable to step up and be an active and productive member of the household you want to separate. I'd also insist he seek therapy (on his own); I think the constant irritation and you walking around on eggshells are a red flag, that's not normal. Oh, and tell him starting immediately you will no longer wake him up. And don't cave on that, let him oversleep if need be.
I would have guessed he was in the spectrum until Op said how emotionally available he supposed is. Then all that’s left is he’s an @ss, misogynist, narcissist, or lazy bum. Nothing flattering.
I hope he has a fulltime job and brings in a decent paycheck. That doesn’t comp for being a lazy slob at home though.
Anonymous
12/08/2020 16:38
Subject: At what point do you call it quits?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And definitely stop waking him up. Tell him you’re not doing it anymore and then don’t do it.
This. You will get better results if you follow through on your boundaries. He probably perceives you as not serious and just fussing at him because you don't follow through.
How is it that he is emotionally available yet counseling has failed and he DGAF about being fair to you?
This. Also, stop doing things that are not necessary. Men often have very different ideas about what is necessary and what is merely a leisure activity, and then are perplexed and annoyed when their wife burns herself out doing unnecessary things and gets upset about it. Take a very hard look at everything you do, and see if you can eliminate it or dial it back. Holiday stuff is a great example. Don't decorate as much and send out your card late. Because it really doesn't matter! Cut back kid activities, food that is fancier than needed, and question which of your family obligations are real and which are self-imposed and nobody but you actually cares about. Get rid of all that stuff and you will have more time.
That’s the ticket: Do Nothing!
No traditions, no extra curricular clubs or sports or music, no weekend outings, no shopping for stuff, no planning trips, no meals out. Just all four of you stay at home and do nothing. Your kids don’t need any life experiences or skills, just so nothing! So simple. It will clearly make everything better, this sinking to the lowest denominator parenting.
Anonymous
12/08/2020 16:37
Subject: At what point do you call it quits?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You call it quits when you have thought through everything and made your plan for finances, work, and how you will do everything as a single parent.
It sounds like time for you to take a hard line with your DH. Offer him the opportunity to do online counseling and tell him you are no longer willing to carry everything. Then stop carrying it. Stop waking him up. Stop doing anything for him. Stop doing things that are important to him and not you. Cut things out of your life to make it simpler, and start hiring things out. Basically live like a single person with kids because that is your plan in the long run.
But he’s a net detractor and a liability. He’d love to sleep all day, toss clothes all over the bedroom, and eat/snack all days and leave the crumbs to prove it. What does Op or the toddlers do with all his selfish messes?
If OP can easily afford divorce and household help to manage on her own, sure. But can she? I don't know.
Anonymous
12/08/2020 16:35
Subject: Re:At what point do you call it quits?
Some people are better at older children than younger children. Having young children is really really stressful and some people deal with it differently. If all is fine otherwise, hold out for two years and see if its still the same.
Anonymous
12/08/2020 16:33
Subject: At what point do you call it quits?
Anonymous wrote:You call it quits when you have thought through everything and made your plan for finances, work, and how you will do everything as a single parent.
It sounds like time for you to take a hard line with your DH. Offer him the opportunity to do online counseling and tell him you are no longer willing to carry everything. Then stop carrying it. Stop waking him up. Stop doing anything for him. Stop doing things that are important to him and not you. Cut things out of your life to make it simpler, and start hiring things out. Basically live like a single person with kids because that is your plan in the long run.
But he’s a net detractor and a liability. He’d love to sleep all day, toss clothes all over the bedroom, and eat/snack all days and leave the crumbs to prove it. What does Op or the toddlers do with all his selfish messes?
Anonymous
12/08/2020 16:29
Subject: At what point do you call it quits?
How is OPs husband “emotionally available?”
He clearly doesn’t care about your emotions nor your kids emotions. He doesn’t seem to have any emotions except anger.
How is he emotionally available? He lets you drone on and on and shakes his head every five minutes? Emotionally supportive? Emotionally there for you? Cares about you, the kids, the house? Shows that he cares doesn’t just argue that he cares and then does nothing. Show me, don’t tell me. If a big disconnect, time for big changes.
He clearly doesn’t care about your emotions nor your kids emotions. He doesn’t seem to have any emotions except anger.
How is he emotionally available? He lets you drone on and on and shakes his head every five minutes? Emotionally supportive? Emotionally there for you? Cares about you, the kids, the house? Shows that he cares doesn’t just argue that he cares and then does nothing. Show me, don’t tell me. If a big disconnect, time for big changes.
Anonymous
12/08/2020 15:48
Subject: At what point do you call it quits?
I’ve BTDT and I chose divorce. It was becoming increasingly difficult to maintain respect for someone who never contributed to the household. My life is so much easier without him around. That’s the key, OP- has he become such a burden that your life will become easier if you were divorced? If the answer is yes then you may have your answer.
It’s so nice not to have to take care of a man-child in addition to everything else. My workload around the house was unchanged after the divorce because I was doing it all anyway. But my house is much, much cleaner and I have less laundry. My college age children aren’t subject to custody issues anymore and spend the vast majority of their time with me (their choice). My XH seems to be doing well, he got remarried almost immediately to a very nice but very subservient woman who appears to wait on him hand and foot. So he’s happier too.
It’s so nice not to have to take care of a man-child in addition to everything else. My workload around the house was unchanged after the divorce because I was doing it all anyway. But my house is much, much cleaner and I have less laundry. My college age children aren’t subject to custody issues anymore and spend the vast majority of their time with me (their choice). My XH seems to be doing well, he got remarried almost immediately to a very nice but very subservient woman who appears to wait on him hand and foot. So he’s happier too.
Anonymous
12/08/2020 15:41
Subject: At what point do you call it quits?
Here we have (yet another) stay together for the kids platonic room mate marriage. Standard rule applies as always: this can work perfectly fine OP ,,,, only IF you open the marriage on his side.
Anonymous
12/08/2020 14:31
Subject: At what point do you call it quits?
I think if you can answer yes to "Is my life better off without him?" then it may be time to move onto a new phase of your life without him.
Anonymous
12/08/2020 12:57
Subject: Re:At what point do you call it quits?
Do you still love him? If not, there's your answer.
Anonymous
12/08/2020 12:50
Subject: At what point do you call it quits?
I’d start campaigning to move across the country closer to my family and then file for divorce once moved.
Anonymous
12/08/2020 12:49
Subject: Re:At what point do you call it quits?
Anonymous wrote:Get him assessed for ADHD.
And depression.