You chose to have your child. That was your choice to bring them into the world. Just like “in sickness and health” for marriage, you have to love them, warts and all. You DO love your teen; even if they’re driving you crazy. And your teen is struggling, which is why they’re angry. So hearing from mom
“I hate you” is going to crush them.

Take a break, walk away, get a therapist for yourself, read books on how to handle teens, but NO please don’t tell them you hate them. They won’t ever forget it.

Anonymous wrote:Grow the f up. Honestly!

+1

Grow the f up. Honestly!

My kids know that I love them unconditionally and that out of that love I will be relentless in doling out discipline. Your phone? That's mine. Netflix programs? Not from now on. Special clothes, toys, and books get replaced by extra chores and writing assignments.

Anonymous wrote:all of you claiming you "would not tolerate" your child saying "I hate you" or other language, clearly do not have teenagers.

I recently told my 15 year old that no matter what she said, no matter how much nastiness she threw my way, no matter how unpleasant she tried to be, I would always love her, unconditionally. She had no retort for that.

I am the Samson PP. I have a 14yo DD. Feelings of consternation are perfectly fine when expressed appropriately but anyone using abusive language in my house is going to be put through the wringer. They can't talk that way to me, their father, or each other. Just no.

Oh OP,

I feel for you. You can think it, but do not say it. You can punish your kids for saying it (it is ok to say you are angry but saying I hate you is not appropriate). You can say something like “ I know you feel angry and frustrated right now, I feel the same way”. Or you can give the more calm approach of “I am sorry you feel that way because I love you”. But try very, very hard to avoid saying hate. For kids to hear that from thier parents is scarring. And if you crack and do say it, apologize and explain you said things you do not mean in anger.

My mom cracked and said some very hurtful things to me growing up. I am sure I deserved them, but it changed our relationship. It is not fair. But kids need to know thier parents love them, even when they do not like them.

So as a mom of 18 y.o. and 16 y.o. DDs, and having seen my friends' DDs grow up, I want to start with that teen girls have very different verbal skills. My 18 y.o. is verbally gifted, and especially around 15 or so, her mouth was so weaponized it was hell to be around her. My 16 y.o. is more of a STEM kid and just doesn't fight mean like that.

So I'm just saying to the PPs who have kids who would never dream of verbal sass, please stand down and give OP a little compassion. I know you think it's your superior parenting that has produced DDs who won't dare say anything mean to you, and for some of you it may be true, but for others of you, it's your kid's personality, not your parenting.

OP, don't model what you don't want to get back. I've never called my 18 y.o. a B**** and I'm glad. She still can be hard but nothing like a few years ago. The change in them as they mature is amazing.

So for now, walk away or let it wash over you. I can remember fuming away in the garage thinking, "I can do this for 5 more years. Then she'll be gone" Now I'm down to 9 months before college and I can see that I TOO will be one of those weepy moms as my kid heads off into the sunset. I never would think that it would be possible for me to feel anything but "Thank G-d she's not MY roommate anymore!"

all of you claiming you "would not tolerate" your child saying "I hate you" or other language, clearly do not have teenagers.

I recently told my 15 year old that no matter what she said, no matter how much nastiness she threw my way, no matter how unpleasant she tried to be, I would always love her, unconditionally. She had no retort for that.

I don't use that particular word, but I've used much worse in moments of frustration with my very challenging teenager. He has several diagnoses and extreme behaviors and sometimes I'm ready to throw him out. But I don't. I use terrible language instead.

Ten Commandments
#5 Honor thy Mother and Father.

Even if you’re not Jewish/Christian, there are good moral values in them.
Kids should not say I hate you to mom and dad

It is incredibly disrespectful for a teen to say I hate you.
Do not tolerate it.
Tell him sternly, “In this house, we do not tell family members we hate them. go to your room to calm down.”

Posters who say to ignore it are wrong. Teens are not little kids- they know better and need to control themselves.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have read in a few parenting books that it’s okay for kids to say “I hate you” because it’s legitimately what they are feeling and it’s okay to express feelings. But it’s also a hurtful thing to say so I think maybe it’s valid to say they can’t be hurtful like that even if some parenting experts agree.

Point is OP, I don’t think that you don’t have to tell your kids to not say they hate you. Depending on how angry they are it might not be a battle I choose. I would say “that’s incredibly hurtful and I need to walk away from this situation before I say something I regret” or something like that.

I don't think it's okay for kids to say they hate you, so much as it's understandable and it doesn't necessarily mean the same thing it does if an adult says it. Adolescents feel things very intensely, they don't have the same impulse control, or perspective, and they are quite naturally testing some boundaries. I think a parent's job is to acknowledge the feelings behind it, but also to help them understand that it's a hurtful thing to say, and to learn better ways to express anger or frustration. You express that you love them, no matter what, but that what they said is hurtful -- and you model how you'd like them to react. Saying that it's hurtful and taking a break to calm down is a good way to do that.

PP. I agree with you, I just felt like pointing out that it’s not always necessary to say “don’t say you hate me, it’s not okay.”

I loved Katie Kaboom (45yo mom) but my kids can't say "Go away, stop talking" to me ever. If they do they know it is Samson-in-the-temple time: life will never be the same for them.

We've worked on rephrasing that to, "I am getting too upset right now. I need a break." I can tolerate that.

I have a boy, but I have found a good response to be, "You are entitled to your feelings, but it doesn't change the fact that you need to do X,Y,Z."

When I said "I hate you!" my mom used to say, "well right now I'm not too fond of you either."

We've never been particularly close.

My kids are younger but my 6-year-old has talked about wishing she had a different family. I just try to explain how much that hurts my feelings because I try very hard to be a good parent to her and love her very much. I imagine when she's older I'll try to do an age-appropriate version of the same, but may or may not be so patient.