Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was you! I’m now married with a kid and we have sex 1-2x per year. We are happy and in love and great partners, just not hugely into sex. It can happen!

Just don’t box yourself in. Date, see how you feel, and break it off if desires don’t align. The right person is out there for you.

NP.
PP, I know this forum is anonymous, so I'm going to ask and you don't have to answer if you don't want to. Are you and your husband on the older side and conventionally unattractive? "Not hugely into sex"?

Nope. Both conventionally attractive, early 30s. We kiss, we cuddle, we hold hands, but sex is a rarity that neither of us seems to crave.

You just have to find someone at the same level as you and it’s fine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to get married so bad. I want someone to build a family with and have that happily ever after. I don't see myself alone. Here's the thing...

I think I'm asexual. I've never had ANY interest in sex. I don't think I have any hormonal issues. I loooove cutesy romantic stuff - holding hands, gifts, etc. - but sex? No. Couldn't care less.

So...how do I date? Can I get married? I hate saying this but the other asexual people I know are a bit ...odd. Like personality/interest wise I can't see us being compatible.

What do you think?

I think that it's pretty sad that you want to get married so bad - to do what exactly? Buy a house with someone and stuff your money away in a retirement fund?
I understand -- barely, though -- not getting any sexual urges; to each their own. But why you want to get married, of all things, to not have sex is beyond me.

NP here, and I’ve known more than a few young people (men and women) who see getting married as another box to check, along with graduate from college and get a job. It’s less about the person and more about the paper, and very much an overachiever thing. I can’t speak for OP, so I’ll ask — OP, do you feel like being married is something you HAVE to do and you like the idea of it?

I think some women have the same attitude about their wedding. It has to be huge, a big production, perfect. They are more concerned with the actual wedding than the relationship.

Absolutely. It’s their day to be a star and have all eyes on them. Plus THINK of the Instagram likes!

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was you! I’m now married with a kid and we have sex 1-2x per year. We are happy and in love and great partners, just not hugely into sex. It can happen!

Just don’t box yourself in. Date, see how you feel, and break it off if desires don’t align. The right person is out there for you.

NP.
PP, I know this forum is anonymous, so I'm going to ask and you don't have to answer if you don't want to. Are you and your husband on the older side and conventionally unattractive? "Not hugely into sex"?

OP, I was you! I’m now married with a kid and we have sex 1-2x per year. We are happy and in love and great partners, just not hugely into sex. It can happen!

Just don’t box yourself in. Date, see how you feel, and break it off if desires don’t align. The right person is out there for you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to get married so bad. I want someone to build a family with and have that happily ever after. I don't see myself alone. Here's the thing...

I think I'm asexual. I've never had ANY interest in sex. I don't think I have any hormonal issues. I loooove cutesy romantic stuff - holding hands, gifts, etc. - but sex? No. Couldn't care less.

So...how do I date? Can I get married? I hate saying this but the other asexual people I know are a bit ...odd. Like personality/interest wise I can't see us being compatible.

What do you think?

I think that it's pretty sad that you want to get married so bad - to do what exactly? Buy a house with someone and stuff your money away in a retirement fund?
I understand -- barely, though -- not getting any sexual urges; to each their own. But why you want to get married, of all things, to not have sex is beyond me.

NP here, and I’ve known more than a few young people (men and women) who see getting married as another box to check, along with graduate from college and get a job. It’s less about the person and more about the paper, and very much an overachiever thing. I can’t speak for OP, so I’ll ask — OP, do you feel like being married is something you HAVE to do and you like the idea of it?

I think some women have the same attitude about their wedding. It has to be huge, a big production, perfect. They are more concerned with the actual wedding than the relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to get married so bad. I want someone to build a family with and have that happily ever after. I don't see myself alone. Here's the thing...

I think I'm asexual. I've never had ANY interest in sex. I don't think I have any hormonal issues. I loooove cutesy romantic stuff - holding hands, gifts, etc. - but sex? No. Couldn't care less.

So...how do I date? Can I get married? I hate saying this but the other asexual people I know are a bit ...odd. Like personality/interest wise I can't see us being compatible.

What do you think?

I think that it's pretty sad that you want to get married so bad - to do what exactly? Buy a house with someone and stuff your money away in a retirement fund?
I understand -- barely, though -- not getting any sexual urges; to each their own. But why you want to get married, of all things, to not have sex is beyond me.

NP here, and I’ve known more than a few young people (men and women) who see getting married as another box to check, along with graduate from college and get a job. It’s less about the person and more about the paper, and very much an overachiever thing. I can’t speak for OP, so I’ll ask — OP, do you feel like being married is something you HAVE to do and you like the idea of it?

Anonymous wrote:I want to get married so bad. I want someone to build a family with and have that happily ever after. I don't see myself alone. Here's the thing...

I think I'm asexual. I've never had ANY interest in sex. I don't think I have any hormonal issues. I loooove cutesy romantic stuff - holding hands, gifts, etc. - but sex? No. Couldn't care less.

So...how do I date? Can I get married? I hate saying this but the other asexual people I know are a bit ...odd. Like personality/interest wise I can't see us being compatible.

What do you think?

I think that it's pretty sad that you want to get married so bad - to do what exactly? Buy a house with someone and stuff your money away in a retirement fund?
I understand -- barely, though -- not getting any sexual urges; to each their own. But why you want to get married, of all things, to not have sex is beyond me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you haven't dated I don't think you're asexual. You just haven't found someone you're attracted to and I believe you will and that could be a man or woman. I'm older than you and a virgin too. It just takes the right person to turn you on. Find what turns you on and go from there.

I was going to say this. The right person may change how you feel about sex.

I think this is possible. I lost my virginity at 24. I wasn't asexual, just picky - didn't manage to meet and actually date someone I was even attracted to enough to be interested until then.

I honestly think a lot of the messaging women get about giving men a chance, getting to know them to see if our attraction grows, not being shallow and judging by looks, etc., doesn't help. Several of my friends who were much less comfortable than me with being single wound up dating multiple guys they were not physically attracted to because they thought it was "bad" to reject people for that reason. What a freaking waste if everyone's time!

That said, some people DO know, and if OP thinks she may be asexual it might be worth exploring that community a bit. A lot of people with non-standard sexualities hear a lot of "you just haven't met the right person yet." Not always true.

+1,000,000

I’ve never, ever heard anyone tell a man, “yeah, she’s ugly and has zero personality, but give her a CHANCE! Maybe you’ll find you LIKE her!”

A great book about female sexuality is called “Come as You Are.” Could be worth a read to see if anything resonates with you.

Anonymous wrote:I was a virgin until I married at 25. I did not have any urge for sex either because I was not exposed to explicit porn, smut or anything sexual. I was very in love with the concept of romance, romantic gestures, beautiful people. I was dating my DH and we were kissing and cuddling but even making out more than this was out of the question.

I experienced sex after marriage and really liked it (after some trials and errors). I am really grateful that I had hangups and was inexperienced before because knowing what I know of myself now, I would have been a sex-crazy person if I had been sexually experienced. I like sex too much now.

One not need to be exposed to porn in order to have urges for sex.

I was a virgin until I married at 25. I did not have any urge for sex either because I was not exposed to explicit porn, smut or anything sexual. I was very in love with the concept of romance, romantic gestures, beautiful people. I was dating my DH and we were kissing and cuddling but even making out more than this was out of the question.

I experienced sex after marriage and really liked it (after some trials and errors). I am really grateful that I had hangups and was inexperienced before because knowing what I know of myself now, I would have been a sex-crazy person if I had been sexually experienced. I like sex too much now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. I believe you OP. Your self description may be accurate,
but I want to mention the possibility that you may be wrong about yourself.

I dated a couple of women who had essentially no experience with orgasms before they met me, which in both cases was years after college. One of them had literally never had an orgasm and another had experienced what I gather were pretty small ones, and only when she was alone. Both had been sexual with men and vaguely enjoyed the companionship and some happy feelings about pleasing the men, but that was pretty much all they enjoyed. You could say I had a softer touch and was more attuned to their needs than their prior boyfriends had been and even they themselves had been. They ended up becoming almost insatiable. They couldn't believe what they had been missing.

I have no idea how often that kind of lack of self awareness happens.

Please call me

Or at least share your secrets. -Guy

It isn't really possible to call someone on DCUM, is it?

Anyway, my "secrets" are pretty simple and aren't secret. Be admiring. Be respectful. Pay very close attention. Slow down. Be gentle when she wants gentle, be rougher when she wants rougher. When I say you should do what she "wants," I mean pay very close attention to how she responds to what you're doing physically, now just what she says to you. Women who have never enjoyed sex very much may not have a lot to say and may not know enough about their own bodies to give you directions. So with those women, it's up to you--the confident, knowledgeable, competent man--to figure it out.

Some women don't like my slow approach very much. They want a more aggressive man who knows what he wants and seizes it. But for the women who have a hard time getting comfortable with sex, my approach usually works better (as long as you know what you're doing).

And, sadly, some women just do not like sex very much. OP may be one of those. Or maybe not.

It's interesting that you have no interest in finding pleasure even solo. I think that is more of an indictor that you may be asexual, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm sure you'll find someone who is on the same page.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are in the wrong place. This is a bunch of mostly middle aged and older women, with a few men of similar ages mixed in. Most with kids.

At one point, we were all 23.

I was a virgin till 30. I had urges. I self pleasured, but I rarely met a man I was "turned on" by.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you come from a religious background?

Nope.

Okay, I was just wondering if you could have some hangups about enjoying premarital sex or accepting that you are gay.


But since you are a virgin, I'd be careful about putting myself in a box. I didn't think of myself as someone who was very sexual or into sex, until I met my current man, and now I can't get enough of it, so I think there's some truth in being partner specific.


Give yourself time to figure out who you are before sticking a label on it, I know you don't think so, but 23 is very, very young. And if you end up being correct just be upfront with the people you date.