I think op should cut back since it’s bothering her but all of the posters implying it’s a sure sign of alcoholism-it’s just not. There are extensive and specific criteria for alcohol abuse and dependence disorders and what op describes is just not what it looks like. Signed, before you call me an alcoholic, a 1-2 glasses of wine per month drinker

I think it's less the how much that is a red flag than the why. If you feel like you can't relax without a drink, that's not good. There are lots of self care methods and maybe try to find some that you don't worry about.

Anonymous wrote:Started that way for me too when I was at home all day with my then infant. Then it became 2 glasses most days with the occasional third. Then three with the occasional fourth. Then I found myself in AA. Not that will necessarily happen to you, but now I relax with chamomile tea and a TV show or good book and don't have to deal with the hangovers and (which makes the intense desire for relaxation at the end of the day a little mellower).

Thanks for your story, PP. I think this example is exactly what OP should look for to determine whether this is a problem for you. Not everyone goes from 1-4 over time. I've been at 1ish for at least 10 years. So, while it *could* be a problem, that doesn't mean it actually *is* a problem for you.

Started that way for me too when I was at home all day with my then infant. Then it became 2 glasses most days with the occasional third. Then three with the occasional fourth. Then I found myself in AA. Not that will necessarily happen to you, but now I relax with chamomile tea and a TV show or good book and don't have to deal with the hangovers and (which makes the intense desire for relaxation at the end of the day a little mellower).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. OP, you're fine. 1-2 glasses a night after the kids go to bed is not excess. Periodically check in with yourself to ask, "could I stop this?" and even take breaks if you're concerned that it's a minor dependency. But realistically, it's an amount that just isn't a problem.

Anyone saying it is a problem is privileged to have never dealt with real alcoholics and lucky to have not lived through what real dependency is like.

Spoken like an alcoholic.

Uh doctors will not tell you that 1/2 a glass a day is a problem. A full glass is also not a problem. 3+ drinks or not being able to stop once you've started THAT is a problem.

OMG it's fine.

If you are worried about it, work to break the habit and find another way to help you transition.

I'm bored to tears with all this home time with little kids and work. .5-1 glasses of wine IS FINE.

I'd work at dialing it back if you are drinking 3+ drinks every day.

Anonymous wrote:Honest question- for pp and those that have 1/2 or 1 glass of wine with dinner why do you do that if not to relax/enjoy dinner?

I have wine with dinner because I like the taste and it's a nice accompaniment with a meal. To me, the worrying thing about the OP isn't that she has 1-2 glasses of wine a night, it's that she can't relax without it. I don't drink wine when I'm stressed or anxious for the purpose of relaxing or calming down or "taking the edge off."

Anonymous wrote:NP here. OP, you're fine. 1-2 glasses a night after the kids go to bed is not excess. Periodically check in with yourself to ask, "could I stop this?" and even take breaks if you're concerned that it's a minor dependency. But realistically, it's an amount that just isn't a problem.

Anyone saying it is a problem is privileged to have never dealt with real alcoholics and lucky to have not lived through what real dependency is like.

+1. I drink a similar amount and both my therapist and doctor rolled my eyes at me when I asked whether I should cut back, kind of in a "well, fine, if this is what you want to stress about, be my guest" way. They asked whether 1 glass was becoming 2, 2 becoming 3... (no), how often I binge drink (never), and whether I go nights without drinking (yes).

Anonymous wrote:NP here. OP, you're fine. 1-2 glasses a night after the kids go to bed is not excess. Periodically check in with yourself to ask, "could I stop this?" and even take breaks if you're concerned that it's a minor dependency. But realistically, it's an amount that just isn't a problem.

Anyone saying it is a problem is privileged to have never dealt with real alcoholics and lucky to have not lived through what real dependency is like.

Spoken like an alcoholic.

Anonymous wrote:It's probably fairly normal among upper middle class women, but that doesn't mean you aren't an alcoholic.

Yet its a habit/addiction. If she is worried, she knows it's problem.

NP here. OP, you're fine. 1-2 glasses a night after the kids go to bed is not excess. Periodically check in with yourself to ask, "could I stop this?" and even take breaks if you're concerned that it's a minor dependency. But realistically, it's an amount that just isn't a problem.

Anyone saying it is a problem is privileged to have never dealt with real alcoholics and lucky to have not lived through what real dependency is like.

Np- I go through phases where for a few weeks or a month I'll have a glass or two a night, usually with DH, and then go similar stretches with nothing, where I've basically forgotten wine exists. It's probably not the best, not because the quantity itself is so dangerous, but because it's the kind of thing where, when I'm into it, I'm really into it, looking forward to the glass after the kids go to bed etc. Not so much a "need" but a really strong desire, and I'm not thrilled to admit that. I have a 4 year old and 1.5yo. At the start of the pandemic we were all home and I didn't drink at all. Too exhausted. Only after they went back to daycare did I get back into drinking, bc I felt like I could relax a bit and things wouldn't fall apart. Now that we've had childcare for a while I'm back in my "on again off again" mode.

Just sharing my situation bc it sounds somewhat similar and I, too, feel like it's a bit of a grey area

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's probably fairly normal among upper middle class women, but that doesn't mean you aren't an alcoholic.

Woah this is quite the jump. An alcoholic? I had zero drinks for 17 months (9 months pregnant and first 6 months of my second baby’s life because she woke up so often to nurse). I’ve only started having a glass to unwind over the last couple of months since my baby has finally started to sleep through the night. It started on my husband’s suggestion since he was annoyed that I could only seem to talk about the kids with him and said I needed to “relax”. I will take this week off since everyone is honestly scaring me into thinking this is very unhealthy. I can’t imagine doing yoga for 5-10 mins after bedtime, but I will work on finding peace some other way.

NP but I think you're fine. I had a short period where I would drink a glass or two of wine after my kids went to bed. It was how I got through a period of stress involving a parent death, new job, moving cities, 2 under 2, etc. It isn't healthy, but you know that. Make sure 6 months from now you're not still doing it and address the underlying issues that care causing the stress (if you can). I rarely drink now. Not everyone turns into an alcoholic. And if having a glass of wine allows you to unwind and reconnect with your DH then I think the pros outweigh the cons in the short term.

So I think a lot of people do this and whether it becomes a problem just depends. I have slightly older kids with the same gap and I completely get wanting to relax and feel like an adult at the end of the day, especially in this train wreck.

I will share that I started this in March and by October it had creeped to a bottle a night and I felt like total shit both physically and mentally about it. My anxiety was off the charts and I could feel it going to a dark place. I read This Naked Mind after seeing it recommended her and quit cold turkey a month ago and I feel sooooo much better.

I would try cutting back, subbing maybe seltzer or tea or whatever you like, and see how you feel.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes I can/have skipped weeks. I don’t go to the liquor store, ever, but occasionally will have a wine delivery to our house. I don’t seek it out or look forward to it all day but have generally noticed that it really helps slow down the unending buzz of what’s next on my to-do list and to focus on things unrelated to the kids. I guess if I’m posting here at all I am obviously a little concerned. I’ve had multiple friends start anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds during the pandemic and I wonder if this is a way of self medicating. I think I’ll do a dry January but will probably miss the relaxing coping mechanism I’ve picked up

OP I think you have answered your own question talking about why you use alcohol.

Like a PP above, my mother started out as a glass of wine a night to take the edge off with small children and ended up a full-blown alcoholic.

The warning I see with you is not how much, but why. You have to find another way to take that edge off. Otherwise, the alcohol will start to own you.

I'm extra careful given what happened to my mom and my test is do I want a glass because I'm stressed? or just because I enjoy the flavor?" If it's because I'm stressed, I try to find another outlet to unwind and take a break from alcohol. For me alcohol is a treat for when I'm in a healthy mental place, not an unhealthy one.

+1 I’ve been sober for about 12 years. I was never an “alcoholic” in the sense that I could quit for weeks or months and not panic about it. However, the reason I quit permanently is that wine became a solution to things. Any stress or problem I had - evening wine made it go away. I realized that (for me) alcohol is magic. It’s like a wand that you wave over problems. But it was just delaying the actual solution to my issues and stunting my growth. I will add that there are a million people that have zero interest in this effect of alcohol, but if you find yourself reaching for wine because it “helps”, it’s a good sign that you are delaying issues that you are better off solving sober.