Anonymous
Post 12/01/2020 09:30     Subject: Re:Should I just tell DS what we have in his college fund?
Anonymous wrote:Op here - thanks for these responses - we will definitely tell DS. I do feel a lot of guilt, which is probably being too hard on myself. Why didn't I save more so that he could go where he'd want? Why don't I sacrifice more so there's money for graduate school? If I had bought a smaller house 10 years ago, or not renovated our bathroom last summer, or put a little less into my 401K. We are not wealthy, so had to make choices, but I read on this board how people can pay full freight for their kids and it makes me feel unhappy.


Oh no, don't feel guilty! And it's good that you didn't shortchange your 401K -- that's the #1 rule for saving for college.

But I get wanting to give your kid the world. There's a school my HS senior would love to attend, and I'd like him to go there, but it's $70K a year. While I'm pretty confident he would be accepted, he's not stellar enough for much merit aid at this particular school. We can't pay for that and it would be insane for him to sign up for that much in student loan debt when there so many other schools where he'll do just fine and maybe even come out debt-free or minimal debt.

Where I am (outside of the immediate DC burbs), most parents aren't paying full freight. Kids are going to state schools, doing ROTC, starting at community college, going where merit aid is the highest, etc.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2020 08:10     Subject: Should I just tell DS what we have in his college fund?
Anonymous wrote:OP I don’t know what your income is but 150k per kid saved for college is not shabby. Private schools and even out of state schools are just crazy expensive now.


+1 You have far more saved than the great majority of parents. Your can give your kids a debt-free undergraduate degree. Even if there are constraints on which schools they can choose, they still have plenty of choices. Feel great about that!
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2020 05:04     Subject: Should I just tell DS what we have in his college fund?
right now your son doesn't have the necessary information to make an informed decision. You can provide him with that information and opportunity.

This really has nothing to do with your son finding his tribe or his gripes about one of the universities.

The critical issue has to do with information that he doesn't have and that you do have.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2020 04:12     Subject: Should I just tell DS what we have in his college fund?
OP I don’t know what your income is but 150k per kid saved for college is not shabby. Private schools and even out of state schools are just crazy expensive now.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2020 23:42     Subject: Re:Should I just tell DS what we have in his college fund?
Anonymous wrote:Op here - thanks for these responses - we will definitely tell DS. I do feel a lot of guilt, which is probably being too hard on myself. Why didn't I save more so that he could go where he'd want? Why don't I sacrifice more so there's money for graduate school? If I had bought a smaller house 10 years ago, or not renovated our bathroom last summer, or put a little less into my 401K. We are not wealthy, so had to make choices, but I read on this board how people can pay full freight for their kids and it makes me feel unhappy.


It is what it is. We don't travel much (pre-covid), live in a large house and all that as we wanted to save for college. You had your choices and now you have xx to spend or you'll need to change your lifestyle.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2020 23:40     Subject: Should I just tell DS what we have in his college fund?
Yes, why wouldn't you. Our kid is 10 and knows its a state school. He has $150K for college. Spend it wisely.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2020 23:33     Subject: Should I just tell DS what we have in his college fund?
Anonymous wrote:DS is a Junior with great stats - he talks of going to schools like UNC, Wake Forest, Case Western (sort of mid-sized schools), where the tuition is $50K plus R&B. We live in Maryland and I'm confident he will be accepted to UMD CP. Quite simply, by the time college rolls around, I'll have somewhere between $275-300K saved for college, to be split between him and his younger sibling. If he chooses to go to UNC, Wake, etc., it will require some merit aid or loans, and he'll still definitely blow through his share of the funds, with nothing left over for grad school, if he chooses to pursue it. If he goes to UMD CP, he'll likely have $50K or so leftover for graduate school or whatever. DS's main gripe with UMD is that it's too large, and too much of a rah-rah football/basketball school, which is not his thing. I don't want to force him there, but think it's the best move and it's diverse enough that he'll find his smaller tribe. He has many friends with more well-off families that are willing to pay full freight to wherever, so he is a little bummed that we aren't that flush with cash.

Anyway, the question is, whether I should just tell DS what's available, and the consequences of his decision, and let him decide? It may mean that he doesn't go to his dream school, which makes me sad because he's worked so hard, but this is also life and for him to understand that we can't always get what we want.

Thanks for listening.


Yes absolutely. Have an honest conversation about the financial implications of the decision. Start him off to adulthood right !
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2020 16:48     Subject: Should I just tell DS what we have in his college fund?


Why on earth wouldn't you tell him????
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2020 16:32     Subject: Should I just tell DS what we have in his college fund?
OP, please don’t feel bad. I bet your son will have an amazing experience at UMCP. My son received a full ride to UMCP (Banneker Key) and graduated with two degrees (B.S. Computer Science & B.A. Classics). He had an amazing Gemstone experience (not sure if they still offer that curriculum), had on-campus internships, made good geeky friends, and graduated with tons of job offers. After making the interview rounds during the fall of his college senior year, he took a job in the Midwest and now makes $180K in his mid-twenties. I’m not saying money is everything, but it doesn’t hurt. And he loved his time at Maryland.

FWIW, he also was accepted at UNC, Berkeley, Case Western (lots of merit aid), etc., and it was a choice he had to make. We were prepared to pay ~$40,000/year, so Case was a go if he’d wanted it, but Berkeley was impossible out of state (unless he’d wanted loans, which we would have co-signed if he’d selected that option).

There are tons of brilliant & motivated students at UMCP where he’ll find his tribe.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2020 16:16     Subject: Should I just tell DS what we have in his college fund?
OP telling or not telling your son aside, my personal belief is that he should (as all students should) attend the BEST possibly undergraduate course / college available to him.

Then do well there and he will be in the BEST position possible for getting into the Grad programs of choice.

This is my personal belief so please if it makes anyone angry, just save it today.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2020 16:10     Subject: Should I just tell DS what we have in his college fund?
Anonymous wrote:DS is a Junior with great stats - he talks of going to schools like UNC, Wake Forest, Case Western (sort of mid-sized schools), where the tuition is $50K plus R&B. We live in Maryland and I'm confident he will be accepted to UMD CP. Quite simply, by the time college rolls around, I'll have somewhere between $275-300K saved for college, to be split between him and his younger sibling. If he chooses to go to UNC, Wake, etc., it will require some merit aid or loans, and he'll still definitely blow through his share of the funds, with nothing left over for grad school, if he chooses to pursue it. If he goes to UMD CP, he'll likely have $50K or so leftover for graduate school or whatever. DS's main gripe with UMD is that it's too large, and too much of a rah-rah football/basketball school, which is not his thing. I don't want to force him there, but think it's the best move and it's diverse enough that he'll find his smaller tribe. He has many friends with more well-off families that are willing to pay full freight to wherever, so he is a little bummed that we aren't that flush with cash.

Anyway, the question is, whether I should just tell DS what's available, and the consequences of his decision, and let him decide? It may mean that he doesn't go to his dream school, which makes me sad because he's worked so hard, but this is also life and for him to understand that we can't always get what we want.

Thanks for listening.


had 2 kids and saved a lot for college

if I could do it over

give each kid an equal amount and let them decide. Say that is it, and let them handle it.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2020 15:59     Subject: Re:Should I just tell DS what we have in his college fund?
Op here - thanks for these responses - we will definitely tell DS. I do feel a lot of guilt, which is probably being too hard on myself. Why didn't I save more so that he could go where he'd want? Why don't I sacrifice more so there's money for graduate school? If I had bought a smaller house 10 years ago, or not renovated our bathroom last summer, or put a little less into my 401K. We are not wealthy, so had to make choices, but I read on this board how people can pay full freight for their kids and it makes me feel unhappy.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2020 15:51     Subject: Should I just tell DS what we have in his college fund?
With limited resources between two kids, I’d tell him to go to state school for undergrad and he can choose wherever he wishes for grad school.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2020 15:50     Subject: Should I just tell DS what we have in his college fund?
Anonymous wrote:DS is a Junior with great stats - he talks of going to schools like UNC, Wake Forest, Case Western (sort of mid-sized schools), where the tuition is $50K plus R&B. We live in Maryland and I'm confident he will be accepted to UMD CP. Quite simply, by the time college rolls around, I'll have somewhere between $275-300K saved for college, to be split between him and his younger sibling. If he chooses to go to UNC, Wake, etc., it will require some merit aid or loans, and he'll still definitely blow through his share of the funds, with nothing left over for grad school, if he chooses to pursue it. If he goes to UMD CP, he'll likely have $50K or so leftover for graduate school or whatever. DS's main gripe with UMD is that it's too large, and too much of a rah-rah football/basketball school, which is not his thing. I don't want to force him there, but think it's the best move and it's diverse enough that he'll find his smaller tribe. He has many friends with more well-off families that are willing to pay full freight to wherever, so he is a little bummed that we aren't that flush with cash.

Anyway, the question is, whether I should just tell DS what's available, and the consequences of his decision, and let him decide? It may mean that he doesn't go to his dream school, which makes me sad because he's worked so hard, but this is also life and for him to understand that we can't always get what we want.

Thanks for listening.


I told my kid that we would pay the amount of the state flagship. That's around $34,000 for us. I put together a list of schools that are within that amount or lower, and meet his other criteria: medium to large, urban/suburban, engineering, more than 2 hours from home. HE kept some of the schools on my list and dumped others. When he finds another school that he thinks might be a good match, we check the net price calculator and talk it over. If the price isn't within our range, he has chosen not to put it on the list several times, because he doesn't want loans. It's been a really good lesson in cost benefit analysis.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2020 15:49     Subject: Should I just tell DS what we have in his college fund?
His gripe is the same as all of the MD kids. My dd wanted to go to San Diego. I said, no way, even with aid she got. Imagine if I was paying that tuition and she was studying online?
If you can, sure, if you are going to end up under a bridge, no. Tell him. Life is a disappointment, DD ended up at UMD.