Anonymous
11/14/2020 17:04
Subject: Girlfriend Doesn't Want Kids..
I'm so sorry OP. I'm sure this is heartbreaking but this is a deal breaker. Your desire to have children is a powerful one and you don't want to resent her later on, that's not fair to her as she is being completely honest. Neither of you is in the wrong, it just is what it is. End this and move on.
Anonymous
11/14/2020 17:03
Subject: Girlfriend Doesn't Want Kids..
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:lAnonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My girlfriend and I are getting very serious. We have been together for two years and I felt like it was headed in the right direction. She told me yesterday that she has decided she doesn't wants kids. She has some babysitting experience and said she found it tedious and boring. I knew she was always a little unsure but I thought it was more so to not scare me off or seem desperate. She said she does not want to be responsible for another human being. I understand it's big commitment, but I have always been sure I wanted kids. I really love her and want to be with her, but I worry I will grow to resent her down he road for not giving me children. Am I being selfish? Should we breakup?
You're not being selfish at all - if you know you want kids and she knows she doesn't then you are not right for each other.
But the bolded is interesting to me - you have "always been sure" you wanted kids, but you thought she was lying about not being sure whether she wanted kids to avoid scaring you off? Did she know you were sure you wanted kids? Doesn't sound like it. Were you just performing a role for her as the guy who needs convincing to settle down, and assuming she was doing the same as the cool girl who can't be bothered?
OP here. I told her I wanted marriage and kids but I wasn't looking for an immediate commitment. I would like those down the road and I wasn't in a rush. I wanted to wait for the tight person. She said she was unsure about kids but definitely wanted to wait. Some women will say they are unsure or not super serious about having a commitment, but they do want one. They say that to not look desperate. I've known many women who have done that.
Good grief! You're 37! You're coming across as very immature wit screwed up ideas of relationships and women.
As for your question, it's not wrong to end things because you want kids and she doesn't.
But my warning to you is having kids can't be more important than the relationship, it should be a natural flow of things. Youu know? I'm not sayng you should stay with this woman. I'm saying don't just grab aby woman just to check the marriage and kid thing off your box because you think it makes you an adult
I don't know any women who lie about wanting/not wanting kids, as the bulk of the responsibility for children falls on the woman, that's one thing their pretty clear on.
OP here. I'm not saying they lied. I was saying many women will say they don't want a commitment right away when they do. I have known and dated women who said they were fine with seeing how things go and moving slowly, but it quickly turned into marriage talk. I didn't know if she was playing it cool with wanting to wait, or if she also wanted a faster commitment than I do.
Anonymous
11/14/2020 17:02
Subject: Girlfriend Doesn't Want Kids..
"giving you children"
yikes!
Do men still think like that?
yikes!
Do men still think like that?
Anonymous
11/14/2020 16:59
Subject: Girlfriend Doesn't Want Kids..
Anonymous wrote:You should break up and find someone whose life goals align with yours.
I didn't want kids, ever. I have two. I hate being a mother. We have a nanny and DH is the "main parent" with the "mental responsibility". I love our kids but hate parenting. My heart sinks when DH has to go out of town for work. I hate weekends when we have no plans (I'm better with them out of the house).
You can't stay with her, unless having a dog will satisfy you.
why did you have kids?
Anonymous
11/14/2020 16:57
Subject: Girlfriend Doesn't Want Kids..
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP how much babysitting have you done?
You know most people who have kids never been around or had little to do with children, right? This makes no difference in deciding whether he wants a family.
It makes a huge difference in if his belief he wants kids has any factual basis.
Many women become moms without ever ceding for kids or being around them. To say OP doesn’t deserve to be a father because he doesn’t have childcare experience is messed up.
That's not what pp said at all way to be dramatic.
But to pps point maybe more people should spend time around kids before having them
Anonymous
11/14/2020 16:56
Subject: Girlfriend Doesn't Want Kids..
Anonymous wrote:OP how much babysitting have you done?
It doesn't matter. Given OP's responses it seems like he's very much the stereotypical guy who wants kids, but once the kids come the majority of the responsibility will fall to mom, except the fun stuff which is what I'm sure OP thinks about when he thinks about kids.
Anonymous
11/14/2020 15:52
Subject: Girlfriend Doesn't Want Kids..
As a woman who doesn't want kids I get really tired of men who waste my time because they think I'm lying or my mind will change. Even worse are the guys who don't mention they have kids because for some reason they think "I don't want kids" means "I'm willing to live with you and your kids".
Anonymous
11/14/2020 15:52
Subject: Girlfriend Doesn't Want Kids..
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP how much babysitting have you done?
You know most people who have kids never been around or had little to do with children, right? This makes no difference in deciding whether he wants a family.
It makes a huge difference in if his belief he wants kids has any factual basis.
Many women become moms without ever ceding for kids or being around them. To say OP doesn’t deserve to be a father because he doesn’t have childcare experience is messed up.
Yeah, that's completely stupid. "Factual basis," good grief.
OP, I agree with others who say it's a deal-breaker, even if it's a sad one for both of you. This just isn't an area for compromise on either side. Both people need to be all-in on having kids, for the sake of the kids if nothing else.
I also want to say I'm sorry some people are beating up on you for your thinking your GF's earlier statements might have been hedging. While of course if someone is telling you how they feel, you should believe them, the whole dating scene at least since the early 90s when I got into it (I'm a woman and 10 years older than you) has had a huge component of "men need to be coaxed into marriage and women need to not scare them away, let men feel they're doing the chasing," etc. Is it nonsense? Of course it is! It's total crap. But that doesn't mean it doesn't affect a lot of people's views on dating, the children question, etc. I mean, my God, there's a reason Bridget Jones' Diary was such a huge hit. I hope the younger Millennials and Gen Z will break that cultural rubric because it's really harmful for a lot of people - men as well as women, as I think this discussion shows.
Good luck to you. I'm sure you'll find a great wife and be a great dad, although I'm sorry it almost certainly won't be with your current girlfriend. I hope you can remain friends. I have been able to do that with a former boyfriend who didn't want kids himself but now sends really cute gifts to the one I had with my awesome DH.
Anonymous
11/14/2020 15:41
Subject: Girlfriend Doesn't Want Kids..
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP how much babysitting have you done?
You know most people who have kids never been around or had little to do with children, right? This makes no difference in deciding whether he wants a family.
It makes a huge difference in if his belief he wants kids has any factual basis.
Many women become moms without ever ceding for kids or being around them. To say OP doesn’t deserve to be a father because he doesn’t have childcare experience is messed up.
Anonymous
11/14/2020 15:39
Subject: Girlfriend Doesn't Want Kids..
I would pray on it and seek answers from god. He will guide you.
Anonymous
11/14/2020 15:20
Subject: Girlfriend Doesn't Want Kids..
Deal breaker. You are wasting each other’s time. End it today.
Anonymous
11/14/2020 15:14
Subject: Girlfriend Doesn't Want Kids..
Anonymous wrote:Deal breaker. it sounds like OP somehow doesn't know that some women genuinely don't want kids. OP, it is true.
I have a friend who actually had to get her tubes tied before men started believing her.
I have another friend, a man, who waiting out a marriage for 12 years convinced that his wife would change her mind about kids -- she never did, because she genuinely didn't want kids. He remarried in his 40s and finally had one.
I have another friend who was sexually abused as a child and will never have kids because she doesn't want to deal with the trauma again.
I have a friend who is very career focused and would much rather be free to follow her career wherever it takes her than have a child.
children are not for everyone (and I say this as someone who has two kids, LOVES being a mother, and made it clear to my husband very early that having kids was a part of my plan.) I think i've read that when it all shakes out, about 50% of people don't end up having kids, either because they don't want them or because they don't find a partner in time.
Find someone who wants kids.
This.
OP, you're 37 and don't have the biological clock issue. You have all the time in the world to find someone new who'd want to have children with you. Don't wait around.
Anonymous
11/14/2020 14:49
Subject: Girlfriend Doesn't Want Kids..
Deal breaker. it sounds like OP somehow doesn't know that some women genuinely don't want kids. OP, it is true.
I have a friend who actually had to get her tubes tied before men started believing her.
I have another friend, a man, who waiting out a marriage for 12 years convinced that his wife would change her mind about kids -- she never did, because she genuinely didn't want kids. He remarried in his 40s and finally had one.
I have another friend who was sexually abused as a child and will never have kids because she doesn't want to deal with the trauma again.
I have a friend who is very career focused and would much rather be free to follow her career wherever it takes her than have a child.
children are not for everyone (and I say this as someone who has two kids, LOVES being a mother, and made it clear to my husband very early that having kids was a part of my plan.) I think i've read that when it all shakes out, about 50% of people don't end up having kids, either because they don't want them or because they don't find a partner in time.
Find someone who wants kids.
I have a friend who actually had to get her tubes tied before men started believing her.
I have another friend, a man, who waiting out a marriage for 12 years convinced that his wife would change her mind about kids -- she never did, because she genuinely didn't want kids. He remarried in his 40s and finally had one.
I have another friend who was sexually abused as a child and will never have kids because she doesn't want to deal with the trauma again.
I have a friend who is very career focused and would much rather be free to follow her career wherever it takes her than have a child.
children are not for everyone (and I say this as someone who has two kids, LOVES being a mother, and made it clear to my husband very early that having kids was a part of my plan.) I think i've read that when it all shakes out, about 50% of people don't end up having kids, either because they don't want them or because they don't find a partner in time.
Find someone who wants kids.
Anonymous
11/14/2020 14:39
Subject: Girlfriend Doesn't Want Kids..
You need to break up. This is a deal breaker.
Let me tell you what I can happen in real life--this is my story:
At the beginning of dating I said I don't think I wanted kids.
A huge fight ensued a bit after that in which he said he wanted only one child and that kid would go to daycare and his future wife would not be allowed to take a break from working.
I said I would never have his kids.
Pretended the argument did not happen (we were drunk).
Upon getting serious 1 year later or so, I said I still did not think I wanted kids and asked if it was a dealbreaker. He said no.
I accepted a proposal on the basis there would be no kids. I wasn not sure I wanted them to begin with but I certainly did not want them with him and his conditions.
Fast forward. A year after marriage he relentlessly pressured me to get off the pill. Every day nagging. We did not have sex much at all and I did when I was sick on antibotics because I was so sick I was sleeping at the late time I normally took them. Also, he kept saying the pill made me crazy and wanted me off it.
That is when he pressured me to have sex and refused to use a condom. I told him I did not want to get pregnant. He said it would not happen one time. I was only not on the pill for 3 days. I was too tired to argue and hoped it would not result in a pregnancy. I was in my mid-30s.
Guess what? One time got me pregnant. It killed any feelings for him whatsoever. I wanted to leave but felt guillty. He later said he "changed his mind about having a kid." I felt duped. I was honest upfront. He pressured me into doing what he wanted without any regard to my feelings or our agreement. The marriage went into a nosedive immediately upon the pregnancy and never recovered. I "stayed for the kid" for eight more miserable years.
I am finally divorced.
Resentment does not even begin to describe my feelings toward him. I did not want to spend 18 years raising a child. I have not been able to do what I wanted because of it. I love my kid but I know I would have been happier never getting pregnant. Career trajectory stalled. I preferred my pre-baby body (it is good but will never be what it was). I don't enjoy parenting. I find some moments of joy but not nearly enough. It is a lot of sacfrice and I knew it was not something I wanted to do, especially in that particular marriage.
If she does not want kids and you want kids, you are not compatible for marriage. End of story.
This is a deal breaker. Get out now. It is not fair to either of you to compromise what you want in life.
Let me tell you what I can happen in real life--this is my story:
At the beginning of dating I said I don't think I wanted kids.
A huge fight ensued a bit after that in which he said he wanted only one child and that kid would go to daycare and his future wife would not be allowed to take a break from working.
I said I would never have his kids.
Pretended the argument did not happen (we were drunk).
Upon getting serious 1 year later or so, I said I still did not think I wanted kids and asked if it was a dealbreaker. He said no.
I accepted a proposal on the basis there would be no kids. I wasn not sure I wanted them to begin with but I certainly did not want them with him and his conditions.
Fast forward. A year after marriage he relentlessly pressured me to get off the pill. Every day nagging. We did not have sex much at all and I did when I was sick on antibotics because I was so sick I was sleeping at the late time I normally took them. Also, he kept saying the pill made me crazy and wanted me off it.
That is when he pressured me to have sex and refused to use a condom. I told him I did not want to get pregnant. He said it would not happen one time. I was only not on the pill for 3 days. I was too tired to argue and hoped it would not result in a pregnancy. I was in my mid-30s.
Guess what? One time got me pregnant. It killed any feelings for him whatsoever. I wanted to leave but felt guillty. He later said he "changed his mind about having a kid." I felt duped. I was honest upfront. He pressured me into doing what he wanted without any regard to my feelings or our agreement. The marriage went into a nosedive immediately upon the pregnancy and never recovered. I "stayed for the kid" for eight more miserable years.
I am finally divorced.
Resentment does not even begin to describe my feelings toward him. I did not want to spend 18 years raising a child. I have not been able to do what I wanted because of it. I love my kid but I know I would have been happier never getting pregnant. Career trajectory stalled. I preferred my pre-baby body (it is good but will never be what it was). I don't enjoy parenting. I find some moments of joy but not nearly enough. It is a lot of sacfrice and I knew it was not something I wanted to do, especially in that particular marriage.
If she does not want kids and you want kids, you are not compatible for marriage. End of story.
This is a deal breaker. Get out now. It is not fair to either of you to compromise what you want in life.
Anonymous
11/14/2020 14:24
Subject: Girlfriend Doesn't Want Kids..
The kid no kid thing is a deal breaker. You are 37. You have to end things and move on. An ultimatum to get her to change her mind is simply a bad idea. If you wanted 2 kids and she wanted 1 you can work that out but no kids vs kids is an absolute deal breaker. It will hurt but she is not the one for you right now. You never know, my aunt met a man early in life that didnt want kids. They broke up and decades later after her husband died she did date him again.