Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much quiet, shy kids bore/annoy us. DH and I are both outgoing and all our kids are outgoing. Thank god. Never really noticed/realized until we compared them to other kids who have an issue coming out of their shell, especially during covid.

This is weird. Quiet kids annoy you?

Uhhm maybe annoy is too strong. Kids who you really have to bring out of their shell, or who are very shy/don't talk. Not talking special needs here- just kids without a lot of personality I think is weird because it's the antithesis of what being a kid should be. I'll just say I 'get' more vocal kids and it's easier to know what they are thinking/how they are feeling/what they need and to have fun hanging with them/bonding/communicating, etc. I don't go around hating quiet kids, I just appreciate that ours are outgoing- not hyper or motormouths, but able to converse/share ideas and keep it going.

Impossible to assess. My child is super outgoing at home but incredibly shy and quiet around other people. Until she gets used to them and feels safe, and then she's outgoing again.

I'm glad you enjoy your own kids, but comparing the behavior of your kids to other kids is impossible because you will never know other kids as you know your own. And for that matter -- you will never really know what your kids are like when you aren't around.

That I could be a good person, a really good person. I was always kind of a self-centered jerk, not a truly bad person, but not all that nice, either.
Once I started raising my kids, I realized that I had to be a good example if I wanted them to be nice. They have turned out great, and I've found I am a much happier person, too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought I had resolved my issues from my FOO, but having a child dug them all back up. I would have never done to my DC what my parents did to me, and I had to grieve all over again.

I think this is so common. It certainly happened for me. I have had to distance myself from my parents since having a child. There is a lot of stuff from my childhood that I have defended for years as being "understandable" because of my parents' backgrounds and how young they were when they became parents. But having my own baby, I just can't imagine doing or saying to her what they did to me. It was easier for me to be empathetic before I had my own experience of parenthood, at which point the resentment bubbled up.

Same here.

Me too. My oldest is hitting some milestones that have taken me back in time to when I was his age. My Mom isn't faring well in the comparisons. I haven't shared these thoughts with her because she tends to gloss over past hurts with "I don't remember that" or "you're in your 40s now, haven't you let go of that?" Well, no. I haven't.

My mom is the exact same way. No sense of the long term impact of her words and actions. Brushing off behavior that is not defensible.

The only upside is that it challenges me to better to my own children. But it definitely takes work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought I had resolved my issues from my FOO, but having a child dug them all back up. I would have never done to my DC what my parents did to me, and I had to grieve all over again.

I think this is so common. It certainly happened for me. I have had to distance myself from my parents since having a child. There is a lot of stuff from my childhood that I have defended for years as being "understandable" because of my parents' backgrounds and how young they were when they became parents. But having my own baby, I just can't imagine doing or saying to her what they did to me. It was easier for me to be empathetic before I had my own experience of parenthood, at which point the resentment bubbled up.

Same here.

Me too. My oldest is hitting some milestones that have taken me back in time to when I was his age. My Mom isn't faring well in the comparisons. I haven't shared these thoughts with her because she tends to gloss over past hurts with "I don't remember that" or "you're in your 40s now, haven't you let go of that?" Well, no. I haven't.

That I can absolutely see where my parents were coming from with their shirt temperedness and their volatile parenting, and that I wouldn’t just magically be better. It takes work. I am better than they were, but it takes work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought I had resolved my issues from my FOO, but having a child dug them all back up. I would have never done to my DC what my parents did to me, and I had to grieve all over again.

I think this is so common. It certainly happened for me. I have had to distance myself from my parents since having a child. There is a lot of stuff from my childhood that I have defended for years as being "understandable" because of my parents' backgrounds and how young they were when they became parents. But having my own baby, I just can't imagine doing or saying to her what they did to me. It was easier for me to be empathetic before I had my own experience of parenthood, at which point the resentment bubbled up.

Same here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That I’m selfish due to unresolved issues from my own childhood.

You know what? The fact that you are even aware of this as opposed to channeling it into some other kind of feeling where you are put upon shows me that you are not a lost cause and you should give yourself credit for recognizing and working on this.

+1

If only more adults owned their childhood stuff - well done, seriously.

That you can see parents / DH in DC traits and the things that drive me nuts in DH are the things I get mad at my kids for.....even though I now think it is genetic hard wiring....

My son is adopted so my experience may be a little different but I learned that it took me some time to truly love - like throw yourself in front of the bus for the kid kind of love. I also have figured out that every child is different and sometimes no matter how hard you try, your child is going to be who he is and that can be great or awful at times. I have learned that the mother's instinct is real and I know when something is wrong a mile away. I also figured out that I have to get over my own childhood stuff to give him what he needs. It has been a long road but he is wonderful and I am a better person for having him in my life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much quiet, shy kids bore/annoy us. DH and I are both outgoing and all our kids are outgoing. Thank god. Never really noticed/realized until we compared them to other kids who have an issue coming out of their shell, especially during covid.

This is weird. Quiet kids annoy you?

Uhhm maybe annoy is too strong. Kids who you really have to bring out of their shell, or who are very shy/don't talk. Not talking special needs here- just kids without a lot of personality I think is weird because it's the antithesis of what being a kid should be. I'll just say I 'get' more vocal kids and it's easier to know what they are thinking/how they are feeling/what they need and to have fun hanging with them/bonding/communicating, etc. I don't go around hating quiet kids, I just appreciate that ours are outgoing- not hyper or motormouths, but able to converse/share ideas and keep it going.

...but how do you know if the child doesn't have special needs? So many special needs are invisible or not readily apparent.

I know a beautiful, sweet, and intelligent child who is working very hard to overcome a severe language disorder. He presents as very shy/reserved and tends to use shorter sentences because he has better control over his speech with shorter phrases and that way most folks don't suspect any issues. I'm sure you would characterize him as "boring" and someone you have to work hard to "bring him out of his shell". What an unbecoming look for you, PP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much quiet, shy kids bore/annoy us. DH and I are both outgoing and all our kids are outgoing. Thank god. Never really noticed/realized until we compared them to other kids who have an issue coming out of their shell, especially during covid.

This is weird. Quiet kids annoy you?

Uhhm maybe annoy is too strong. Kids who you really have to bring out of their shell, or who are very shy/don't talk. Not talking special needs here- just kids without a lot of personality I think is weird because it's the antithesis of what being a kid should be. I'll just say I 'get' more vocal kids and it's easier to know what they are thinking/how they are feeling/what they need and to have fun hanging with them/bonding/communicating, etc. I don't go around hating quiet kids, I just appreciate that ours are outgoing- not hyper or motormouths, but able to converse/share ideas and keep it going.

That everything I was sure I'd struggle with in parenting would be easy. And the stuff i thought would come naturally would be hard

That life never goes according to plan, and I cannot control nearly as much as I think I can.

Anonymous wrote:That I’m selfish due to unresolved issues from my own childhood.

You know what? The fact that you are even aware of this as opposed to channeling it into some other kind of feeling where you are put upon shows me that you are not a lost cause and you should give yourself credit for recognizing and working on this.

Anonymous wrote:How much quiet, shy kids bore/annoy us. DH and I are both outgoing and all our kids are outgoing. Thank god. Never really noticed/realized until we compared them to other kids who have an issue coming out of their shell, especially during covid.

This is weird. Quiet kids annoy you?