Anonymous wrote:OP, you must feel like you’re going crazy but my DH is like yours. He has high-functioning autism and his read on social situations, executive functioning skills, and insecurity all suck to live with. He really struggles with appearances, social approval, and decision-making. He dealt with this through childhood and young adulthood by just copying what “the cool kids” do, which means that he now copies or chases the lifestyles of his much-richer college classmates with often awkward results. His parents are immigrants and from a country where help is cheap and prevalent, and most people rent homes, so he just can’t grasp how to care for a house or make improvements.

TLDR, I agree that your DH is dealing with some issues from his family of origin, a weirdly intense need for social approval, and general insecurity about both his social standing and his ability to make decisions. My fix is to just take over everything and take his occasional money tantrums on the chin. You’re not alone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you’re being the cheap one here, not your DH. At least he’s willing to consider the contractors that your neighbor recommended.

What is the problem with pay and permitting concerns? It sounds like you want the deck built but you don’t want to hire a reputable (i.e., more expensive) contractor to do the work.

You should be getting any necessary permits and making sure the work is up to code. You can be slapped with a hefty fine by your municipality if you don’t have a required permit. And haven’t you heard about deck collapses in the news and all the injuries that can result from them? Being on the wrong end of a lawsuit can be even more expensive than paying a reputable contractor.

The point, is exactly the opposite, thank you for pointing that out. I am trying to save money by trying to avoid problematic deck people - which neighbor admitted about their recommendations. Would you hire someone if you were told they do not do their job properly?

Some of these PPs do not make sense. Maybe they are MIL (she can be rather antagonistic).

Does anyone have any other thoughts on what the behavior is called, besides "people pleasing", or is that pretty much it?

I am wondering if there is some bullying involved, as I know MIL can be quite a bully. Another example (for those who so enjoy these) is when DH first moved in with me, MIL would often remark on our place, like it was "fancy". It was under 900 square feet, and anything but! I think she had a problem with me being different than her? DH sometimes gets indignant about that, and sometimes will "undo" things that I have done (ie cleaning out the carport, for example). As if I am not supposed to clean anything or something? Maybe by my cleaning something, no matter how innocuous, I am being "fancy"? Maybe we should be living like a Hoarders episode, instead? Who knows. Maybe these examples mean nothing - I do see some parallels myself. Glad none of you have been through such weirdness.

PP here. In your original post you wrote:

“So, DH asked a neighbor for references of companies the neighbor is familiar with, since the neighbor is in the business. Neighbor sent some ideas, with notes about each one, and how they work, which I thought was more than generous. Most of the notes have to with with pay/permitting concerns (which doesn't fly with me, so I say we don't have to pursue any of them - why would we??)

Again, neighbor is in the business, so neighbor knows how to alleviate any concerns, but not enough to manage our project (which I would never expect). DH says we have to interview all of them, and use one of them, since we went through the trouble of asking the neighbor. Does this make sense? As if we have to "please" the neighbor, even if it means blowing extra money and time and effort and heartache - which, with our jobs and responsibilities, we can not afford (not to mention the money). I can't fathom spending extra money to make the neighbor (??) happy. “

I was left with the impression that those were [b]your concerns, not your DH’s.

Perhaps you should write a draft, leave if for a while and then come back to it and edit it as your posts are difficult to understand clearly.

You don’t have to diagnose your DH. You only need to ask yourself if you’re willing to live with it. If you want to stay with him, get some therapy so you can learn how to deal with him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you’re being the cheap one here, not your DH. At least he’s willing to consider the contractors that your neighbor recommended.

What is the problem with pay and permitting concerns? It sounds like you want the deck built but you don’t want to hire a reputable (i.e., more expensive) contractor to do the work.

You should be getting any necessary permits and making sure the work is up to code. You can be slapped with a hefty fine by your municipality if you don’t have a required permit. And haven’t you heard about deck collapses in the news and all the injuries that can result from them? Being on the wrong end of a lawsuit can be even more expensive than paying a reputable contractor.

The point, is exactly the opposite, thank you for pointing that out. I am trying to save money by trying to avoid problematic deck people - which neighbor admitted about their recommendations. Would you hire someone if you were told they do not do their job properly?

Some of these PPs do not make sense. Maybe they are MIL (she can be rather antagonistic).

Does anyone have any other thoughts on what the behavior is called, besides "people pleasing", or is that pretty much it?

I am wondering if there is some bullying involved, as I know MIL can be quite a bully. Another example (for those who so enjoy these) is when DH first moved in with me, MIL would often remark on our place, like it was "fancy". It was under 900 square feet, and anything but! I think she had a problem with me being different than her? DH sometimes gets indignant about that, and sometimes will "undo" things that I have done (ie cleaning out the carport, for example). As if I am not supposed to clean anything or something? Maybe by my cleaning something, no matter how innocuous, I am being "fancy"? Maybe we should be living like a Hoarders episode, instead? Who knows. Maybe these examples mean nothing - I do see some parallels myself. Glad none of you have been through such weirdness.

Anonymous wrote:You are making this WAY more complicated than it needs to be. Get estimates, compare estimates, decide if you are willing to pay for a deck, and finally, choose the contractor. Considering the dialogue of the last 3 pages, I think the estimates will come in too high $$ and you will not go thru with the deck. Geez, how have you handled purchasing a major appliance in your married life?

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you’re being the cheap one here, not your DH. At least he’s willing to consider the contractors that your neighbor recommended.

What is the problem with pay and permitting concerns? It sounds like you want the deck built but you don’t want to hire a reputable (i.e., more expensive) contractor to do the work.

You should be getting any necessary permits and making sure the work is up to code. You can be slapped with a hefty fine by your municipality if you don’t have a required permit. And haven’t you heard about deck collapses in the news and all the injuries that can result from them? Being on the wrong end of a lawsuit can be even more expensive than paying a reputable contractor.

Anonymous wrote:1) if you are building a deck, why wouldn't you go with the people your neighbor recommended? Why bother asking if you didn't want a professional's opinion?
2) Yes, you should be concerned about permitting issues
3) You are insane
4) If you don't want a deck, why bother getting a list at all?
5) it seems to me you don't know what the heck you actually want. Deck? No deck? Professional or lame-@$$ doesn't get permits to do the work? I got too bored to read carefully
6) Anger issues - that seems to be your DH's problem
7) you should take a class on the art of telling a story. This one was uber-dull.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a really weird situation - try to bear with me, because it is difficult to explain, except maybe through examples. When DH and I married, years ago, we lived in a tiny apartment, I was still a graduate student, we had very little money. We were planning our wedding, and (long story short) decided to have a small one, which worked out.

DH wanted to donate any "gifts" (money, I suppose? Though I would never ask for money from anyone!) to a charity - to appear like we had more than we did, it turns out. I thought it was weird, but never thought about it again. We didn't really need anything, I had my kitchen set up, since I had been on my own for years. Meanwhile, DH's family was literally asking us if we had pans or plates - which was puzzling to me, especially since, like I said, we had more than enough.

DH's mother was asking for a "registry" (do they even still do those??), so I went to the store and picked out a few things, but none of their family picked out much from it, and I was fine with that, just curious as to why I was told repeatedly to go register (which takes time and effort, especially if you don't need much - but I was trying to not rock the arbitrary boat).

DH was a little strange with money - another example - I brought home a $12. (on sale on an end cap at BBB, I still have it!) tablecloth to "dress up" our tiny place a bit, and DH went ballistic about how we were going to be "poor" (we already were, which is why I was so very conscientious about money) and screaming at me about it. Our bed/couch was a futon, and the cover was too dirty to dryclean (said the dry cleaner), so I bought a new cover. Another "big deal".

Now, flash forward years, and DH and I are thinking of building a deck on our (now) small house. DH and I are not very handy, and we have made do all this time - but he wants to get prices, and wants me to be the one to obtain the quotes. I want him to do it, because he has different concerns than I. So, DH asked a neighbor for references of companies the neighbor is familiar with, since the neighbor is in the business. Neighbor sent some ideas, with notes about each one, and how they work, which I thought was more than generous. Most of the notes have to with with pay/permitting concerns (which doesn't fly with me, so I say we don't have to pursue any of them - why would we??)

Again, neighbor is in the business, so neighbor knows how to alleviate any concerns, but not enough to manage our project (which I would never expect). DH says we have to interview all of them, and use one of them, since we went through the trouble of asking the neighbor. Does this make sense? As if we have to "please" the neighbor, even if it means blowing extra money and time and effort and heartache - which, with our jobs and responsibilities, we can not afford (not to mention the money). I can't fathom spending extra money to make the neighbor (??) happy.

WTH? Please be kind, and hopefully, helpful.

After reading this I think your husband would want to date your neighbor.