My mom is like this. I've asked her about it and she said she's just afraid of bothering us because she knows we're busy.

She literally got a 1800 number forwarded to her when I was in college so I could always be the one to call her.

This is one of those things that I just let be.

And honestly based on conversations with friends, it's way better than the alternative!

Anonymous wrote:Ever. I have been with my husband for 18 years, and I can count on maybe one hand the number of times she has ever called.

Please, someone, explain this mentality to me. We all have a good relationship and there is no odd baggage. We just have to reach out, every. damn. time. When we were DINKs, it was fine, but now that we have two young kids, it seems almost insulting.

My MIL says that it is the child's responsibility to call and visit the parents, not the other way around.

Married 16 years.

DH calls her on the phone about six times a year. That's all the contact that we have with her.

My in-laws are like this. They say that they are trying to be polite and "not intrude" on our time. I think that's really just half the story. I think they like a lot of attention and want to talk for hours (like 2+ hours) each time we have an interaction. My FIL is the ranting type. We never ever have that much time to talk with little ones running around and I think they take it as a sign that they called at a bad time if we have to get off the phone after 45 minutes. The truth is that if they would just be willing to check in and talk for a bit and then move on (say 15-30 mins a couple times a week) then they would probably feel like the spoke to us more. Sadly we avoid talking to them now because every time we pick up the phone it turns into an event.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that the "non-call" camp needs to try to realize how this can come off to people, especially an in-law who married into this dynamic. Even unintentionally, it can come off as insulting and disinterested. Try to nudge out of your comfort zone and reach out! It could mean the world to somebody. Same goes with checking in on a friend, making plans etc. Don't sit around waiting for the other person...that other person might become resentful.

Why do the noncalling people have to leave their comfort zone? Why can’t the need-to-be-called people stop seeing insult where none is intended? If OP calls MIL, and MIL is perfectly happy to hear from her and they have a nice conversation, it is on OP for feeling insulted.

Totally wrong. Sometimes leaving your comfort zone is healthy and sensitive. And this is one of those times. Even if no insult is "intended," it's happening, and it's on the non-callers to realize that NOT HEARING FROM SOMEONE, EVER implies disinterest. It's not a stretch. You're saying you'd rather offend someone than maybe try a little bit to make an effort.

I’m not saying I’d rather offend someone than make an effort. I’m saying that we should accept our loved ones as they are. You could try leaving your comfort zone of automatically feeling insulted. Don’t you see that this negative feeling is something you are doing to yourself? I’m sure OP’s husband is fine with the dynamic and dollars to donuts she’s never expressed an issue to her MIL. So everyone is perfectly happy except her (you?) feeling insulted over nothing.

I would think it's good. She knows you're the busy one. Just call her when you're available.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that the "non-call" camp needs to try to realize how this can come off to people, especially an in-law who married into this dynamic. Even unintentionally, it can come off as insulting and disinterested. Try to nudge out of your comfort zone and reach out! It could mean the world to somebody. Same goes with checking in on a friend, making plans etc. Don't sit around waiting for the other person...that other person might become resentful.

Why do the noncalling people have to leave their comfort zone? Why can’t the need-to-be-called people stop seeing insult where none is intended? If OP calls MIL, and MIL is perfectly happy to hear from her and they have a nice conversation, it is on OP for feeling insulted.

Totally wrong. Sometimes leaving your comfort zone is healthy and sensitive. And this is one of those times. Even if no insult is "intended," it's happening, and it's on the non-callers to realize that NOT HEARING FROM SOMEONE, EVER implies disinterest. It's not a stretch. You're saying you'd rather offend someone than maybe try a little bit to make an effort.

Anonymous wrote:I think that the "non-call" camp needs to try to realize how this can come off to people, especially an in-law who married into this dynamic. Even unintentionally, it can come off as insulting and disinterested. Try to nudge out of your comfort zone and reach out! It could mean the world to somebody. Same goes with checking in on a friend, making plans etc. Don't sit around waiting for the other person...that other person might become resentful.

Why do the noncalling people have to leave their comfort zone? Why can’t the need-to-be-called people stop seeing insult where none is intended? If OP calls MIL, and MIL is perfectly happy to hear from her and they have a nice conversation, it is on OP for feeling insulted.

Same. And my grandparents are like this too. I wish my grandma would just call me sometimes. I think a lot of this is hold over from the long distance calling days.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honest question, for those who do not initiate contact:
Why?

What are you busy doing, what are you afraid of, what is holding you back from showing a loved one you care?

If I had to guess based on my family dynamics - it's an attempt to be polite. They know younger generations are really busy and don't want to intrude, but love to hear from us. And yes, it's something they saw in their parents' generations, and yes, it stems from a time when phone calls were less common and more expensive.

I think you might have more success encouraging texting vs calling - one of the grandparents has finally after all these years started texting unsolicited (still not phone calls though). The grandchild started texting with her new phone that she was so excited to get, and flat out told grandma she wanted to hear from her. That worked but it took awhile because grandma wasn't used to communicating like that.

This is what I would imagine. In any case, not your mom, not your problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that the "non-call" camp needs to try to realize how this can come off to people, especially an in-law who married into this dynamic. Even unintentionally, it can come off as insulting and disinterested. Try to nudge out of your comfort zone and reach out! It could mean the world to somebody. Same goes with checking in on a friend, making plans etc. Don't sit around waiting for the other person...that other person might become resentful.

I don't need my MIL to call me. If the dynamic is such that my husband calls his mom and not vice versa, that's ok with me. Not my parent-child relationship.

I do not care whether my MIL calls my husband or vice-versa. It's his mom, not mine. If he's unhappy with it, he can deal with it. If he's not, then why do you even care?

My mom was the same OP. She was raised to think that it was the child's responsibility to contact the parent. Nothing apparently could change that.

Anonymous wrote:I think that the "non-call" camp needs to try to realize how this can come off to people, especially an in-law who married into this dynamic. Even unintentionally, it can come off as insulting and disinterested. Try to nudge out of your comfort zone and reach out! It could mean the world to somebody. Same goes with checking in on a friend, making plans etc. Don't sit around waiting for the other person...that other person might become resentful.

I don't need my MIL to call me. If the dynamic is such that my husband calls his mom and not vice versa, that's ok with me. Not my parent-child relationship.

I think that the "non-call" camp needs to try to realize how this can come off to people, especially an in-law who married into this dynamic. Even unintentionally, it can come off as insulting and disinterested. Try to nudge out of your comfort zone and reach out! It could mean the world to somebody. Same goes with checking in on a friend, making plans etc. Don't sit around waiting for the other person...that other person might become resentful.

My mom too.

My mom never calls me, and we get along great. It's just how my parents are; I've realized that they are just more reactive people than proactive people. So if I ask if they want us to visit, they enthusiastically say yes. But if I wait to get invited to visit, I'll sit around forever. It did take me a while to see this aspect of them.