Anonymous
11/07/2020 14:04
Subject: What to do when I don’t want to be around MIL/SIL anymore?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd just move your relationship into more of a grey rock. Meaning: share less of yourself, ask less of them.
So stopping by their house on a random weeknight with your children? No. If DH wants to take them, that's fine. Enjoy an evening on your own. I limit random visits with my MIL and SIL too. I just turn down various smaller gatherings, but do attend bigger ones. So for a birthday, I attend. But for a random weekend visit, I pass.
Especially during pandemic times, no one seems to care much if there are less people. Also, I almost never get alone time anymore, so the rare mornings my DH takes the kids to see his parents sound AWESOME to me. Pre-covid I was more protective of my weekend time with my kids, since we worked all week. But now, I see them A LOT, so having the time alone is really valuable..
It sounds like you need to lower your expectations about your relationship. Be cordial and polite, but maybe a little less friendly and more reserved. Don't offer personal details about yourself. Keep it generic and surface level.
It's been 10 years for me and I still slip up and get too personal here or there, and I almost always regret it. Their reaction is almost always some sort of barely paying attention or straight up ignoring and I get my feelings hurt. Even if it was something silly! So I find just holding back better all around because I'm not setting both sides up for failure.
100% on this post. Either semi-aggressively address their BS like other posters suggest or shut yourself down. I do the latter and every time I’ve relented I’ve regretted it.
Grey rocking is a technique that is used for people with severe personality disorders. It is doubtful that your SIL/MIL have a severe or even borderline personality disorder. Please do not try to self-diagnosis them. There is a spectrum of dysfunctional behavior in everyone. You will likely pull out what you want to see and diagnosis them with an issue. This is not helpful. You likely have a dysfunctional relationship with them and this is normal but also something that involves both parties. Like it or not, they are part of your family. Grey rocking will prevent you from addressing the issue and growing a healthier relationship. It is invoking a passive tactic that often leads to passive aggressive behavior. I have rarely met a dysfunctional IL relationship that could not be developed into a loving relationship. Like other relationships communication is key. Grey rocking will only prevent you from having a good relationship and further develop dysfunctional behavior harming your SO, your ILs, and you. I would let SO know your feelings, practice being more assertive, and meter your exposure as you get better at being assertive. For declining events, think if you would be hurt if your Mother or Sister declined your invitation for a similar event. Going to the movies, probably not. Going to your birthday party, probably.
Anonymous
11/06/2020 21:36
Subject: What to do when I don’t want to be around MIL/SIL anymore?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:"Oh, Betty, of course. That takes a lot of energy. You've earned your rest! I'd be happy to cook for everyone, if you'd like!"
Big smile.
There is nothing wrong with a woman quietly declining to cook for a crowd. She may be his mother, but she is a woman with the right to say no. Frankly OP's husband was rude putting his mother on the spot the way he did.
If she had simply declined, that would be that. But the smirking and mean girl antics = it's fair game to give it right back.
But was it really a smirk and mean girl antics? OP sounds pretty immature and insecure. I can definitely see her mischaracterizing something because it matches the drama in her head and not so much the drama that she thinks occured.
Anonymous
11/06/2020 20:15
Subject: What to do when I don’t want to be around MIL/SIL anymore?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Declining a birthday event would be extremely aggressive. If you truly want to change the relationship, go to the birthday and other special events/holidays (the big stuff) and just stop swinging by on random weeknights.
Why is it aggressive to decline an invitation to a birthday party you don't want attend?
Because it’s her husbands mother, and her trigger will have been a dispute over lasagna.
Saying that not attending your MIL's birthday party is "aggressive" is along the same lines as saying not making lasagna is aggressive.
Declining someone’s birthday invite is a big deal whether she is your girlfriend or a relative.
It’s naive at best to think that OP’s husband wouldn’t be upset with her that she refuses to attend over something minor like this. Even OP acknowledges that the behavior is “subtle” enough that she risks looking like the “bad guy.”
Even if you think MIL is mean here, and I would have needed more examples to be persuaded of that, then allowing yourself to look like you are overreacting is a trap.
None of this would matter if this were some random woman OP knows. The issue is that it’s going to cause conflict with her spouse. That’s why I would quietly stop coming by rather than sending an overt message by not attending the birthday.
Anonymous
11/06/2020 20:00
Subject: What to do when I don’t want to be around MIL/SIL anymore?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Declining a birthday event would be extremely aggressive. If you truly want to change the relationship, go to the birthday and other special events/holidays (the big stuff) and just stop swinging by on random weeknights.
Why is it aggressive to decline an invitation to a birthday party you don't want attend?
Because it’s her husbands mother, and her trigger will have been a dispute over lasagna.
Saying that not attending your MIL's birthday party is "aggressive" is along the same lines as saying not making lasagna is aggressive.
Anonymous
11/06/2020 19:57
Subject: What to do when I don’t want to be around MIL/SIL anymore?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Declining a birthday event would be extremely aggressive. If you truly want to change the relationship, go to the birthday and other special events/holidays (the big stuff) and just stop swinging by on random weeknights.
Why is it aggressive to decline an invitation to a birthday party you don't want attend?
Because it’s her husbands mother, and her trigger will have been a dispute over lasagna.
Anonymous
11/06/2020 19:11
Subject: What to do when I don’t want to be around MIL/SIL anymore?
Anonymous wrote:"Oh, Betty, of course. That takes a lot of energy. You've earned your rest! I'd be happy to cook for everyone, if you'd like!"
Big smile.
There would have been a problem with the DIL taking over in MILs kitchen and then the snarky comments would have been directed at the DILs cooking.
This isn't about one comment. OP has probably had numerous things happen and this is a regular occurrence.
As for it being aggressive not to attend MILs birthday, meh, your an adult who gets to decide how to spend your time. You are still a child if you obey your parents/parent in laws directions to do as they say. Its aggressive to be mean and snarky to people.
Lets face it we all know how to be polite and kind to people, in the shopping centre or at work, MIL and SIL are being aggressive by being mean to a DIL who they believe will simply take it.
Anonymous
11/06/2020 18:47
Subject: What to do when I don’t want to be around MIL/SIL anymore?
Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd just move your relationship into more of a grey rock. Meaning: share less of yourself, ask less of them.
So stopping by their house on a random weeknight with your children? No. If DH wants to take them, that's fine. Enjoy an evening on your own. I limit random visits with my MIL and SIL too. I just turn down various smaller gatherings, but do attend bigger ones. So for a birthday, I attend. But for a random weekend visit, I pass.
Especially during pandemic times, no one seems to care much if there are less people. Also, I almost never get alone time anymore, so the rare mornings my DH takes the kids to see his parents sound AWESOME to me. Pre-covid I was more protective of my weekend time with my kids, since we worked all week. But now, I see them A LOT, so having the time alone is really valuable.
It sounds like you need to lower your expectations about your relationship. Be cordial and polite, but maybe a little less friendly and more reserved. Don't offer personal details about yourself. Keep it generic and surface level.
It's been 10 years for me and I still slip up and get too personal here or there, and I almost always regret it. Their reaction is almost always some sort of barely paying attention or straight up ignoring and I get my feelings hurt. Even if it was something silly! So I find just holding back better all around because I'm not setting both sides up for failure.
100% on this post. Either semi-aggressively address their BS like other posters suggest or shut yourself down. I do the latter and every time I’ve relented I’ve regretted it.
Anonymous
11/06/2020 18:39
Subject: What to do when I don’t want to be around MIL/SIL anymore?
Anonymous wrote:Declining a birthday event would be extremely aggressive. If you truly want to change the relationship, go to the birthday and other special events/holidays (the big stuff) and just stop swinging by on random weeknights.
Why is it aggressive to decline an invitation to a birthday party you don't want attend?
Anonymous
11/06/2020 08:32
Subject: What to do when I don’t want to be around MIL/SIL anymore?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:"Oh, Betty, of course. That takes a lot of energy. You've earned your rest! I'd be happy to cook for everyone, if you'd like!"
Big smile.
There is nothing wrong with a woman quietly declining to cook for a crowd. She may be his mother, but she is a woman with the right to say no. Frankly OP's husband was rude putting his mother on the spot the way he did.
If she had simply declined, that would be that. But the smirking and mean girl antics = it's fair game to give it right back.
All subjective. And could easily have been directed at a son/brother who obliviously thinks whipping up a lasagna at the last minute for a large group is easily managed.
Then why didn't MIL open her mouth and say that to her son?
Anonymous
11/06/2020 08:26
Subject: What to do when I don’t want to be around MIL/SIL anymore?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:"Oh, Betty, of course. That takes a lot of energy. You've earned your rest! I'd be happy to cook for everyone, if you'd like!"
Big smile.
There is nothing wrong with a woman quietly declining to cook for a crowd. She may be his mother, but she is a woman with the right to say no. Frankly OP's husband was rude putting his mother on the spot the way he did.
If she had simply declined, that would be that. But the smirking and mean girl antics = it's fair game to give it right back.
All subjective. And could easily have been directed at a son/brother who obliviously thinks whipping up a lasagna at the last minute for a large group is easily managed.
Anonymous
11/06/2020 08:08
Subject: What to do when I don’t want to be around MIL/SIL anymore?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:"Oh, Betty, of course. That takes a lot of energy. You've earned your rest! I'd be happy to cook for everyone, if you'd like!"
Big smile.
There is nothing wrong with a woman quietly declining to cook for a crowd. She may be his mother, but she is a woman with the right to say no. Frankly OP's husband was rude putting his mother on the spot the way he did.
If she had simply declined, that would be that. But the smirking and mean girl antics = it's fair game to give it right back.
Anonymous
11/06/2020 08:03
Subject: What to do when I don’t want to be around MIL/SIL anymore?
Anonymous wrote:"Oh, Betty, of course. That takes a lot of energy. You've earned your rest! I'd be happy to cook for everyone, if you'd like!"
Big smile.
There is nothing wrong with a woman quietly declining to cook for a crowd. She may be his mother, but she is a woman with the right to say no. Frankly OP's husband was rude putting his mother on the spot the way he did.
Anonymous
11/06/2020 08:03
Subject: What to do when I don’t want to be around MIL/SIL anymore?
Declining a birthday event would be extremely aggressive. If you truly want to change the relationship, go to the birthday and other special events/holidays (the big stuff) and just stop swinging by on random weeknights.
Anonymous
11/06/2020 08:01
Subject: What to do when I don’t want to be around MIL/SIL anymore?
"Oh, Betty, of course. That takes a lot of energy. You've earned your rest! I'd be happy to cook for everyone, if you'd like!"
Big smile.
Big smile.
Anonymous
11/06/2020 07:49
Subject: What to do when I don’t want to be around MIL/SIL anymore?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You realize that your lasagna example makes you look crazy, right?
No it doesn’t. But OP has a husband problem because if he can’t see the petty s**** they do and he doesn’t address it then the problem is with him.
I wonder if OP's husband sees it happening and agrees with his mom and sister. OP sounds ... off.