Anonymous
11/03/2020 10:01
Subject: a friend mom-shamed me out of nowhere
I'd either not write back and distance myself from her (not sure how good of a "friend" she is) or write back with "Hi Larla, Thanks for your thoughts and concern. Sebastian has a little cold and in spite of that, he is a really happy child. As for my work, I'm not sure where you're getting the impression you know what my work-life balance is like, but it's working well for our family. I hope you're well. Please don't let inaccurate perceived troubles bother you: we are doing great! If we don't talk, have a nice Thanksgiving!"
Anonymous
11/03/2020 09:58
Subject: a friend mom-shamed me out of nowhere
Anonymous wrote:A close friend invited DS to a small Halloween party at their house last week. DS has been feeling under the weather on and off so I decided that he shouldn't attend. Plus, with the Covid numbers skyrocketing in our area, I figured it would be best to sit this one out. I let my friend know and she seemed to take it just fine. Well, a few days later, she sent me a long email basically saying that maybe my kid hasn't been feeling well because I keep him home too much and, "according to research," isolation causes anxiety in children. And, she tossed in, it seems like I've been too focused on work. I can't tell if she was being passive-aggressive or not but it's left a bad taste in my mouth.
I was pretty blindsided by this. I never responded to her email. I really don't know where the heck this came from and the last thing I need is to get into an email argument with someone. My kid has had allergies, not emotional problems caused by mom trying to be caution during Covid and wanting to keep her job. (Are we back in the 1950s here?)
She's told me about arguments she's had on Facebook with friends over Covid and school. Perhaps she was looking to start up with me, too. We've been good friends for so long. I really don't know why she threw this monkey wrench into our friendship. She's one of the few people we've seen in person since Covid started. Let this roll off my shoulders and thank her kindly for the advice and move on?
OP yes, ignore ignore ignore her. Don't thank her.
You sound quite balanced and it was your call not to send your kid. You did the right thing. Even without covid I would be very happy if a parent said their kid wasn't coming because they were not feeling well. Who wants to infect a bunch of kids? What she should have said in the email was, hey sorry to hear your DS is not feeling well, lets get together when he's better and make it special"
Bottom line she should shut up!
Anonymous
11/03/2020 09:54
Subject: a friend mom-shamed me out of nowhere
You should probably ignore, but I'd be tempted to response with just a "WTF?"
Anonymous
11/03/2020 09:51
Subject: a friend mom-shamed me out of nowhere
I just respond, "Okay...."
Anonymous
11/03/2020 09:49
Subject: a friend mom-shamed me out of nowhere
I have a relative who, when her own anxiety and life chaos are especially ramped up, becomes really controlling of others. A coworker does the same -- when things are not going well for her on a project, she suddenly tries to assign me a million things (she is not my supervisor). It is a major personality flaw and while I have empathy for my fellow anxiety suffers, it's not OK for them to cope by trying to control others in a punative and judgemental way. I'd be honest with her and if she doesn't take it well, back away from this person.
Anonymous
11/03/2020 09:45
Subject: Re:a friend mom-shamed me out of nowhere
If she has a history of acting like this, then it might be best to let it fizzle out.
But if this is surprising, just pick up the phone and call her. "Hey, that email sort of took me aback. Kid didn't feel well and we wanted to be cautious. What's up with the email? Is there something else here? I think there was a miscommunication here?" Adjust script accordingly, but communicate and use your words.
But if this is surprising, just pick up the phone and call her. "Hey, that email sort of took me aback. Kid didn't feel well and we wanted to be cautious. What's up with the email? Is there something else here? I think there was a miscommunication here?" Adjust script accordingly, but communicate and use your words.
Anonymous
11/03/2020 09:30
Subject: Re:a friend mom-shamed me out of nowhere
Anonymous wrote:If she’s a valued friend, call her and talk to her about how her email affected you. Try to work through it- these are such tense times. A lot of people are behaving in unexpected ways. I think it would be good to let her know she hurt your feelings. From an outsider’s perspective, it seems like she’s second-guessing herself, her choices, and putting it on you. Good luck, OP.
+1
Get off email, call her up, say "what the heck?" I bet there are other things going on and she needs a friend and just handled it poorly.
If she's not a valued friend, it's a very different email.
Anonymous
11/03/2020 09:30
Subject: Re:a friend mom-shamed me out of nowhere
Anonymous wrote:Ignore her emails and texts for awhile. See if she comes crawling back with apologies.
Are you 10 years old? What an immature thing to recommend.
Anonymous
11/03/2020 09:29
Subject: a friend mom-shamed me out of nowhere
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What did you say to her when you backed out of attending the party?
+1 Also interested in this and whether you originally said yes. You're leaving out some details OP.
I am too, because OP said this was out of nowhere and it isn’t. It’s just a delayed response to her action. She says passive aggressive, but it’s not at all, it’s a direct criticism. Makes me wonder how OP opted out.
OP said her kid wasn't feeling well. I assume she said LArlo isn't feeling well, sorry we're going to have to skip, that's enough for most normal parents. If you feel judged by this or anything less than a 15 page not sending your regrets you need to check yourself.
Agree.
I’ve been keeping my son home for sniffles when normally I wouldn’t. I keep him home -not to keep us safe - but to keep others safe, and to not come off like we have no regard for public health. It’s probably allergies, but there’s no reason to risk exposing others if it’s more than allergies. I don’t want to be seen as being insensitive and ignorant about the pandemic.
Anonymous
11/03/2020 09:29
Subject: Re:a friend mom-shamed me out of nowhere
Anonymous wrote:Generally speaking, people right now aren't at their best.
If you have it in you to extend her some grace, then I would reply and say: "I appreciate your concern and I know it's coming from a good place. I am doing what I think is best for my family and I know you are doing what's best for yours. I value our friendship, and hope to continue seeing you throughout the winter."
Grace, agreed, but grace with boundaries. "I'm sorry you're having a hard time. It's been a trying year for everyone. Let's catch up in 2021."
Anonymous
11/03/2020 09:25
Subject: Re:a friend mom-shamed me out of nowhere
Generally speaking, people right now aren't at their best.
If you have it in you to extend her some grace, then I would reply and say: "I appreciate your concern and I know it's coming from a good place. I am doing what I think is best for my family and I know you are doing what's best for yours. I value our friendship, and hope to continue seeing you throughout the winter."
If you have it in you to extend her some grace, then I would reply and say: "I appreciate your concern and I know it's coming from a good place. I am doing what I think is best for my family and I know you are doing what's best for yours. I value our friendship, and hope to continue seeing you throughout the winter."
Anonymous
11/03/2020 09:15
Subject: a friend mom-shamed me out of nowhere
Your response is total silence. Forever. There is no excuse for that.
Anonymous
11/03/2020 09:10
Subject: a friend mom-shamed me out of nowhere
She's nuts. Move on.
Anonymous
11/03/2020 09:03
Subject: a friend mom-shamed me out of nowhere
You want to keep a friend who would treat you like that, and who actively attacks others on Facebook during a global health pandemic? Why? I'd drop that one like a hot potato and move on with my life. I'd literally never think about someone like that again. Not a true friend, not an intelligent or caring person. Nope.
Anonymous
11/03/2020 09:01
Subject: a friend mom-shamed me out of nowhere
Anonymous wrote:If it’s a close friend who I want to keep, then I’d text this:
“Thanks for the lecture, Karen ;0)
Larlo has seasonal allergies and was really tired, so we opted to take a pass. NBD. Hope you and the family are doing well!”
If you are fine with ending the friendship, then just ghost her. No response. Let her stew. But don’t respond.
NP -- didn't the friend cause damage to the friendship by sending this looney judgy email though? Even if I wanted to stay friends with someone, I would be more reserved and weirded out after receiving an email like this. I'd be able to remain friendly, but not really friends, as my friends are people I trust, you know?