This is her 18th birthday. Usually parents try to do something to commemorate the occasion. That might be what she is thinking.

Also, while trying, I find that many younger siblings, cousins, family rarely buy family gifts. Maybe at Christmas.

If you don't do the spa with her friends, then at least do something to show that you recognize she is turning 18 and this is a milestone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is not doing her self any favors here! This is why people say stepmoms suck! Bcs this one sure does.
"She is not paying for room and board. All her expensense are covered."
Would you say the same for your bio kid, op? This girl has been working since 16, yet you are aware that she is not paying for room and board! Who, who but evil stepmom says things like this???

OP did NOT say she doesn't pay room and board. She said that all of this child's expenses are covered - meaning, if she is working five days a week, what is happening to all of that money? Why is she not able to save for a token gift for steps siblings/stepmom.

Which, is fine if she doesn't want to do that, I suppose - but she shouldn't expect lavish gifts if she herself isn't even willing to make a small effort to gift others. She's turning 18, not 8 - she should have some grasp on giving.

Yes, we give because we want to, without expectation of anything in return for several reasons. Love, appreciation, because we like to see others happy, etc. But if there is a dynamic where SD is not appreciative/loving to/of the others in her family, why are they obligated to act any differently?

OP did not offer any evidence of a dynamic in which SD is not appreciative of or loving towards her family members. She is only thinking about gifts. And gifts between stepsiblings are irrelevant, because she's not asking her stepsiblings to give her a gift. Literally, she is just saying what she would like for her birthday, presumably from her father or father and OP. OP just doesn't like her. She can't just say, "No, that's too extravagant," she has to make it a sweeping indictment of her SD's character.

Anonymous wrote:OP is not doing her self any favors here! This is why people say stepmoms suck! Bcs this one sure does.
"She is not paying for room and board. All her expensense are covered."
Would you say the same for your bio kid, op? This girl has been working since 16, yet you are aware that she is not paying for room and board! Who, who but evil stepmom says things like this???

OP did NOT say she doesn't pay room and board. She said that all of this child's expenses are covered - meaning, if she is working five days a week, what is happening to all of that money? Why is she not able to save for a token gift for steps siblings/stepmom.

Which, is fine if she doesn't want to do that, I suppose - but she shouldn't expect lavish gifts if she herself isn't even willing to make a small effort to gift others. She's turning 18, not 8 - she should have some grasp on giving.

Yes, we give because we want to, without expectation of anything in return for several reasons. Love, appreciation, because we like to see others happy, etc. But if there is a dynamic where SD is not appreciative/loving to/of the others in her family, why are they obligated to act any differently?

A kid who has been working since she was 16 generally doesn't strike me as entitled. She asked for a biggish present for what is generally recognized to be a milestone birthday. OP sounds like a bean-counter.

OP is not doing her self any favors here! This is why people say stepmoms suck! Bcs this one sure does.
"She is not paying for room and board. All her expensense are covered."
Would you say the same for your bio kid, op? This girl has been working since 16, yet you are aware that she is not paying for room and board! Who, who but evil stepmom says things like this???

So I am reading this that dad is fine with the spa day. Or did stepdd ask for this present specifically from you, op, in addition to some grand present dad, is giving her as well?

You definitely sound like the stepMom here. Remember Dad is her Dad, your kids are her siblings. They all see how you are treating her differently. Be mindful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is 17 year old supposed to buy you and her half or step siblings presents? Usuallyparents buy present for kids. If kids do buy something for a parent it is usually something small. If she has no money, how is she to do this?
She is expecting a present from her parent who is your spouse. As she should, not from you really. She does not sound entitled. She could be wanting a Range Rover. Plus, pony up? She is your family, do you dread ponying up for your won kids presents? How many presents do you receive from your own children?

She is working five days a week since she was 16; we do not expect her to pay for anything at the house. All her expenses are covered.

WTF? Why would she be expected to pay for room and board? You’re acting like you’re doing her a favor by letting her live in her dad’s home rent-free.

—Also a stepmom to a teenager

She's a child. She shouldn't be expected to give a gift to you or your kids. Or, you take her to buy gifts for your kids.

Get her a $50 gift card to the spa of her choice and be done with it. Or, let her Dad handle it.

Anonymous wrote:OP--she is 17 turning 18. Father does not say anything....

18 is a big birthday
And she is a teen I have to remind mine to do stuff for their sibling at times
Do you remember being a teen? It’s a self-focused age

Anonymous wrote:As a soon to be divorced Mother, OP is the reason I dread the day my soon to be exH remarries. What an awful person you are.

Why?

YOU gift her the expensive spa day.

Nope, not wrong.

Stepmom here.
The presents to my stepsons always comes from both of us. I think it creates a weird dynamic that there’s presents from each of you. For our children, the presents are also from both of us.
We do keep mostly separate finances, but it doesn’t matter who actually bought the gift. Sometimes I buy them, sometimes he does. Usually we each pick out some thing. And we discuss major birthday presents. The large present for the 18th birthday such as she is requesting isn’t unusual. But that should come from both of you, not one or the other.
I also buy my children’s gifts to each other. I usually ask them what they would like to give, and sometimes they go shopping with me to pick it out. Sometimes I just buy some thing, let them know, and when I wrap it I put that it’s from their sibling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--she is 17 turning 18. Father does not say anything....

What does this mean?

Stop being cryptic.

Does he want you to buy his daughter a present? What did you do last year?

OP--gave her a $50.00 gift card last year to the clothing store she likes/shops at and a nice card. Last year my husband spent over $600 bucks on her Birthday gifts and a party. I ended up buying all the Birthday gifts for my kids on my own.

It’s weird that you give separate gifts. You’re married to her dad, right? One gift from the both of you. If he pays for it, so be it. Sign your names and call it a day. Same for your kids.

As others have said, usually the parents take the lead in nudging kids to buy or make gifts for parents and siblings. In many families, siblings don’t exchange gifts - but are included in the family gifts. I think you’re expecting way to much. She is not your peer, not part of your generation, not an adult. If this really matters to you, ask her father to take the lead.

Note, in most families, unless there is dire need, all expenses re usually paid by the parents — except for some recreational expenses. Imdon’t think you would be wrong to do something other than her request. I do think you’re wrong in your tit for tat attitude. She’s a kid. You’re a parent. Gifts aren’t supposed to balance out. If your attitude comes through in your comments here, it really makes me wonder what her experience is like — and Not in a good way.