Anonymous wrote:A one night stand is a lapse of judgement and likely can be worked through if both parties want.

But this...be was engaging with multiple women in sex chat groups and trying to meet up with at least one of them. That is a very deliberate and probably went on for some time- gross and a HUGE character problem you can't therapy away.

Divorce.

Anonymous wrote:#1. They have to want to change. Sincerely. This can’t be a case of I got caught, I’ll appease and play along for awhile.

And, if they sincerely no longer want to be a dirtball, they have to believe you will divorce them in a second if there is even a hint of lying/unfaithfulness ever again.

Many therapists advise kicking them out initially when you find out. They have to really fear they are losing everything—you, kids, home, etc.

They also should be willing to offer up anything if they want to stay in the marriage: high stakes to make you feel comfortable in case they slide. This can be a post-nuptial agreement, etc. If I were female and done having children, a vasectomy would also be required. A cheater wouldn’t balk at any of this if he was truly remorseful.

Individual therapy for a long, long time for the cheater. They also need to cut off any enabling friends—-bros or hos that cheat on their spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends....bye, bye. They can’t be around low moral people anymore. Who you associate with says a lot about you and what you will do.

Anonymous wrote:It's been over a year of infidelity with various promises and relapses in between and my husband still will not say why he did this. He says he doesn't know and is getting help. Which with his therapist first includes dealing with a host of mental things and other questions and monitoring apparently before they also get down together and discover why this happened. Which makes me feel like it will be another year before he "knows" why he did this. Uggh. It's just that it's exhausting and it leaves me completely in limbo. He says I should just wait and obviously he cares because he's getting help.

Another post had these four rules for their own mental health dealing with trauma and I'm trying to get there and forget about dealing with the reason infidelity for now but it's really hard. It makes me feel like I'm not living an honest life.
1. Establishing and maintaining appropriate boundaries
2. Accepting reality/knowing that I am unable to affect change in him
3. Being present in my day to day life; not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future
4. Taking responsibility for my own mental health and needs - this is largely a self-care thing

I was just curious if this is a typical tactic of therapists to just move forward and not really dwell on the why of what happened. If there are therapists who do discuss this, I'd love recommendations and/or how they went about transitioning to this type of discussion.

Anonymous wrote:No.way.in.hell.

Couples therapy for infidelity is mostly bullsh@t. It usually doesn’t even scratch the surface and it always holds both parties responsible for the marriage trouble.

My spouse had deep seated personal issues that caused the acting out sexually: child abandonment in childhood, alcoholic, abusive father (died of alcoholism) and a mother that only looked out for herself and left the 2 kids by themselves a lot.

Yet- first marriage counselor was like “try threesomes and adventure”, talk more. Not once did he delve into the psychology behind the cheating. He also deemed us “cured” because we always got along really well, rarely fought and had a healthy sex life.

So much couples therapy discounts the fact that often it is one individual’s problem. It is an addiction to numb oneself in some situations.

He is doing twice a week individual therapy for this and this therapist agrees he needs this before he can begin. To work to repair the damage his affair caused.

Therapy is not good to the victims of the abuse most of the time. They erroneously try to label the betrayed spouse as co-dependent or some other bullsh@t.

You have a shitty therapist. He/she is merely rug sweeping and not digging deep to address his faults that drove him to lie and cheat.

He needs to address his own issues before he can fully participate in couples therapy and you need your own therapist to address the damage his abuse (cheating is abuse) caused.

Anonymous wrote:Having been through this, I can say that what worked for us is recognizing and walking through the pain together. That doesn’t negate trying to have fun and romantic times but it takes acknowledging and feeling the pain of the betrayed spouse over and over and over again until they are at least okay. Your therapist is doing little to help you.

Anonymous wrote:Geeez, get out of the marriage already! Like yesterday. Adultry = divorce. Always.

Anonymous wrote:He needs regular IC and so do you. After he has done some real work on himself, then it’s time for marriage therapy with a therapist experienced with infidelity. Your therapist now sounds terrible. Also, your DH needs to be doing the heavy lifting to repair your marriage. Read on survivinginfidelity.com.

Anonymous wrote:

another horrible betrayal will happen the next time any sort of strain arises in the marriage

Op - it's not about circumstance. It's about character.