Anonymous
Post 10/18/2020 15:20     Subject: Re:Why Why WHY is the burden always on the mother?!
Anonymous wrote:Off topic, but how is a couple on nurse manager salaries affording a nanny and extra babysitting?


I earn $120K.

DH works FT and earns $150K as a project manager.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2020 15:18     Subject: Re:Why Why WHY is the burden always on the mother?!
Anonymous wrote:It's not. You married the wrong man. You have a husband problem, not a societal problem.

My husband would never do this. He wouldn't want to, first of all, but even if he did, I would put a stop to it pronto.


I bet for each one wife saying her husband would never do this, there are five who feel like OP, plus a couple more whose husbands are like OP's but they don't even know it's wrong, because patriarchy.

F**k the patriarchy.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2020 15:17     Subject: Why Why WHY is the burden always on the mother?!
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Even if I wanted to divorce him or leave, I can't for legal reasons. It's not that simple.

I'm not from the U.S. I have a temporary green card. I would have otherwise had a permanent green card by this December, the Trump administration has unfortunately pushed out the permanent green card processing time to 18+ months rather than the standard 2 or 3.

So i'm completely stuck. I'd rather not deal with child custody across borders during a pandemic, so dealing with my husbands inadequacies for the next 18 months is sadly, my only option.

There isn't any reasonable solution anyone can offer.

This explains a lot.

You need to stand up for yourself in a healthy way.

If he is not an addict, cheating, or otherwise abusive I strongly recommend reading the empowered wife by Laura Doyle. It won't work magic but it'll make things livable.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2020 15:12     Subject: Re:Why Why WHY is the burden always on the mother?!
Off topic, but how is a couple on nurse manager salaries affording a nanny and extra babysitting?
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2020 15:10     Subject: Why Why WHY is the burden always on the mother?!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Oh BS it’s not a societal problem. There are multiple threads like this in one day here. Even “enlightened” dads aren’t doing 50% of housework. Social scientists have produced reams of data on that.


I agree this is a societal problem. There are men who do an equal amount of (or even more than) housework/childcare to their female partners. But they are rare. They are the exception. The average man, even the more progressive ones, do fewer household chores and less childcare than the average woman. That's just a fact. It cannot be disproven with all the posters rushing in w/ their anecdotes about how their husband does it all while they WOH.

Also, the average mother has to sacrifice more in her career (mommy tracking) than the average father. There are tons of gender inequities that are pervasive in our society.

However, OP's situation sounds pretty extreme. OP, you need to have a serious talk w/ your husband. It might not change anything but you need to at least attempt to get him to see how unequal things are and that you're unhappy with the division of labor.



From my view, they are not the exception. Then again, I am educated, have a job, make my own money, and have never been afraid to be alone (and I mean never). Not getting married was a fine outcome for me. Not having kids was a fine outcome for me. But when you go in with the attitude I have, which is that you're not going to accept some second-rate life partner, you don't end up with a second-rate life partner.

I maintain that 85% of the husband and dads I know aren't useless. And for the 15% that are, no surprises...you can spot them a mile away.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2020 15:08     Subject: Why Why WHY is the burden always on the mother?!
Anonymous wrote:Plan some trips op. Don’t be a martyr. You have a nanny and a sitter. It’s not all on you.

Managing a nanny is a lot of work.

Make a schedule, train her, the. Make sure she is not doing the bare minimum or dropping things. As they tend to do. Less downtime during naps for one, no way unless she’s doing a 9-10 hour day w you.

Make you husband manage the domestic employee some times.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2020 15:06     Subject: Why Why WHY is the burden always on the mother?!
Anonymous wrote:Oh BS it’s not a societal problem. There are multiple threads like this in one day here. Even “enlightened” dads aren’t doing 50% of housework. Social scientists have produced reams of data on that.


I agree this is a societal problem. There are men who do an equal amount of (or even more than) housework/childcare to their female partners. But they are rare. They are the exception. The average man, even the more progressive ones, do fewer household chores and less childcare than the average woman. That's just a fact. It cannot be disproven with all the posters rushing in w/ their anecdotes about how their husband does it all while they WOH.

Also, the average mother has to sacrifice more in her career (mommy tracking) than the average father. There are tons of gender inequities that are pervasive in our society.

However, OP's situation sounds pretty extreme. OP, you need to have a serious talk w/ your husband. It might not change anything but you need to at least attempt to get him to see how unequal things are and that you're unhappy with the division of labor.

Anonymous
Post 10/18/2020 14:58     Subject: Why Why WHY is the burden always on the mother?!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your fault for marrying him. This type of behavior doesn't pop up out of nowhere. Plus, you sound awful so good for him to get away.


Ok, thank you. That feels really good to hear.


Ignore that troll, OP.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2020 14:56     Subject: Why Why WHY is the burden always on the mother?!
Oh BS it’s not a societal problem. There are multiple threads like this in one day here. Even “enlightened” dads aren’t doing 50% of housework. Social scientists have produced reams of data on that.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2020 14:51     Subject: Why Why WHY is the burden always on the mother?!
Based on your green card situation, I can tell you that your DH knows he has you over a barrel. There’s not only a power dynamic, but he is confident you can’t leave him. I don’t see this going anywhere good until you have the freedom to leave. I’m sorry.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2020 14:46     Subject: Why Why WHY is the burden always on the mother?!
Page 3 and no one has pointed out he's having an affair? Hunting and fishing trips my ass.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2020 14:31     Subject: Why Why WHY is the burden always on the mother?!
Anonymous wrote:I'm a surrendered wife but you've taken it too far.

At bedtime. One day when he is home. Leave. Jyst leave. Don't give him time to protest. You need to run out. You'll come back 2 hours later. He will have survived. Make it a habit


What is a "surrendered" wife? Genuinely curious.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2020 14:30     Subject: Why Why WHY is the burden always on the mother?!
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Even if I wanted to divorce him or leave, I can't for legal reasons. It's not that simple.

I'm not from the U.S. I have a temporary green card. I would have otherwise had a permanent green card by this December, the Trump administration has unfortunately pushed out the permanent green card processing time to 18+ months rather than the standard 2 or 3.

So i'm completely stuck. I'd rather not deal with child custody across borders during a pandemic, so dealing with my husbands inadequacies for the next 18 months is sadly, my only option.

There isn't any reasonable solution anyone can offer.


Step 1: Accept, recognize and admit that this is not an "all men" problem. That will get you nowhere.

Step 2: SPECIFIC communication and SPECIFIC requests. "No, you can't take off four weekends in a row, especially when you do nothing to help set me up for success. You can do two weekends IF you take care of the following BEFORE you leave..."

Step 3: Therapy
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2020 14:29     Subject: Why Why WHY is the burden always on the mother?!
The reasonable solution is to talk to your husband about everything. Tell him how you feel. Ask him to cut his weekend trips by 3/4.
Anonymous
Post 10/18/2020 14:25     Subject: Why Why WHY is the burden always on the mother?!
OP here.

Even if I wanted to divorce him or leave, I can't for legal reasons. It's not that simple.

I'm not from the U.S. I have a temporary green card. I would have otherwise had a permanent green card by this December, the Trump administration has unfortunately pushed out the permanent green card processing time to 18+ months rather than the standard 2 or 3.

So i'm completely stuck. I'd rather not deal with child custody across borders during a pandemic, so dealing with my husbands inadequacies for the next 18 months is sadly, my only option.

There isn't any reasonable solution anyone can offer.