Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think he is having an affair?

No. He works from home and barely leaves the house otherwise unless we’re together.

That could be the reason. He’s a caged animal. Let him roam in the pasture, get fresh air, sunshine. You do the same but while he’s working. Happy cows give better milk.

Cool. When do they work and who watches the kids?

Anonymous wrote:How many men really keep up with seeing their kids 50% of the time? Maybe in the beginning, but really for the long haul?

None, but it is for the best interest of the children.

My DH is wonderful in part because his dad was not around when he was a teen. He wasn’t taught to be a dick.

Anonymous wrote:These men have a lot of trauma and shame and maladaptive histories they’re working with. It’s not you, it’s their self loathing.

+1

Nailed it. It's not you, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so unhealthy for your children to be raised in this dynamic. If you truly care about your kids, get a divorce. Show them they don't have to be treated like this. Show them it's not ok. Show them how to stand up for themselves. Show them how that type of behavior isn't tolerated. Don't let them grownup in an abusive home.

NP but this is my dynamic too. I'm afraid for my kids to be alone with him so I'm truly stuck as their buffer. I do talk to them about how its not okay and their father needs help but for now that seems like the best I can do. When they're a bit older and can advocate for themselves and do things like call the police when he loses his shit, then maybe I can finally leave him.

NNP. The same fear has kept me married to someone exactly like the OP described. I am truly afraid of not being there to pick up the pieces (of self esteem and mental health) for our two young kids. For years, I’ve been the one comforting them after their dad goes ballistic (verbally) for the tiniest thing- dirt tracked in, shoes not put away, etc. I’ve stayed for as long as I possibly can and now need to get out. Spouse refuses medication or therapy. Pandemic has made his mental health issues unbearable. How do I get the court to see how unsafe the environment is for our kids? He resents having to spend time with them as it is and would only seek custody to spite me. Even said he will just hire a nanny and maid when I leave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so unhealthy for your children to be raised in this dynamic. If you truly care about your kids, get a divorce. Show them they don't have to be treated like this. Show them it's not ok. Show them how to stand up for themselves. Show them how that type of behavior isn't tolerated. Don't let them grownup in an abusive home.

NP but this is my dynamic too. I'm afraid for my kids to be alone with him so I'm truly stuck as their buffer. I do talk to them about how its not okay and their father needs help but for now that seems like the best I can do. When they're a bit older and can advocate for themselves and do things like call the police when he loses his shit, then maybe I can finally leave him.

I grew up like this. I always felt guilty and blamed myself for the horrible situation we were in. If my mother didn't have us, she'd be able to leave. I spent a lot of time in therapy as an adult to work through it. Rationally, I know it wasn't my fault and that my mother was responsible for her choices but, deep down, I still feel guilt.

My DH is the opposite of combative. He is conflict averse and occasionally passive aggressive.

So it's quiet around here, mostly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think he is having an affair?

No. He works from home and barely leaves the house otherwise unless we’re together.

That could be the reason. He’s a caged animal. Let him roam in the pasture, get fresh air, sunshine. You do the same but while he’s working. Happy cows give better milk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These men have a lot of trauma and shame and maladaptive histories they’re working with. It’s not you, it’s their self loathing.

Yes and defensiveness is a survival tool in their wounded minds. It’s a deflection.

So we're just supposed to take it while they "work on it"?

No. Who said that?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These men have a lot of trauma and shame and maladaptive histories they’re working with. It’s not you, it’s their self loathing.

Yes and defensiveness is a survival tool in their wounded minds. It’s a deflection.

So we're just supposed to take it while they "work on it"?

Anonymous wrote:This is so unhealthy for your children to be raised in this dynamic. If you truly care about your kids, get a divorce. Show them they don't have to be treated like this. Show them it's not ok. Show them how to stand up for themselves. Show them how that type of behavior isn't tolerated. Don't let them grownup in an abusive home.

NP but this is my dynamic too. I'm afraid for my kids to be alone with him so I'm truly stuck as their buffer. I do talk to them about how its not okay and their father needs help but for now that seems like the best I can do. When they're a bit older and can advocate for themselves and do things like call the police when he loses his shit, then maybe I can finally leave him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He always wants a fight, he seems to hate my guts. If I say he hurt my feelings, he’ll say he doesn’t care and call me a baby. He seems to delight in rejecting me, letting me know he doesn’t give a crap, but when I’ve had enough he says he doesn’t want to divorce. What is this?

I’m gonna go with “he’s a jerk”. If you don’t have kids, leave today. The question isn’t whether he wants a divorce; it’s why you want to stay.

Kids. They are the light of my life and I’m not ready to give up spending half of their lives with them.

All valid. Mine was like this as well. We ultimately divorced after 14 years of marriage and three kids. He became an alcoholic over the course of our time together which led to the sharp uptic in the verbal abuse and contempt. He hated himself, it came out at me.

My kids dont have to see that dynamic. I have 70% custody and primary physical custody. I am a better Mom and better example to them having left. Yes, I miss them TERRIBLY and am literally heartsick when they are with him for a full week////but they appreciate me a million times more. THey respect me. They know 100% that they are my life and that Mom will always be there for them. I'm no longer gaslighting them re: their Dad and his nature, I am only responsible for my OWN parenting and role in their life, and we have become a true team since I got his drunk ass out of my home.

You can do this, OP. Trust me, it will rend your soul from your body, you will shed so many tears, and it will ache and be so lonely......but one day you will look back and realize that it was worth it. I was so much more lonely when married to someone who was cruel to me, than I am now as a single, capable woman.

You can do this. KEep your chin up.

Anonymous wrote:He always wants a fight, he seems to hate my guts. If I say he hurt my feelings, he’ll say he doesn’t care and call me a baby. He seems to delight in rejecting me, letting me know he doesn’t give a crap, but when I’ve had enough he says he doesn’t want to divorce. What is this?

Who cares what he wants?

You are modeling for your children how a man treats a woman and how their dad treats their mom. Do you want that?

Do you want this life for YOURSELF??? He's telling you exactly what he things of you by treating you the way he does. He doesn't respect you. I would even go to say he probably doesn't love you. Why haven't you left already?

Anonymous wrote:These men have a lot of trauma and shame and maladaptive histories they’re working with. It’s not you, it’s their self loathing.

Yes and defensiveness is a survival tool in their wounded minds. It’s a deflection.

These men have a lot of trauma and shame and maladaptive histories they’re working with. It’s not you, it’s their self loathing.