Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 15:08     Subject: Re:Jealous of sisters in laws
My in-laws were great before DH and I got engaged. Once we shared news of our engagement, things went a little crazy. All the family dysfunction came out, seemingly out of nowhere - it really took me by surprise. Took about 3-4 years to learn how to draw some very firm boundaries, and now we have a great (distanced but pleasant) relationship. OP, this is what you need to go for.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 14:03     Subject: Jealous of sisters in laws
I had no idea how dysfunctional my in-laws were when I got married. That all came out later.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 13:55     Subject: Jealous of sisters in laws
My in laws are very micro aggressive. They made fun of my son's name, brought their own food to my baby shower. Complete whackos.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2020 12:24     Subject: Jealous of sisters in laws
My MIL was literally in jail when DH and I got engaged. No, you don't always also pick the family. We are on the same page in terms of how we interact with both sets of in-laws.

OP, be happy for your sister.
Anonymous
Post 10/11/2020 22:05     Subject: Re:Jealous of sisters in laws
Anonymous wrote:Op here. If I had dozens of suitors to pick from sure. I fell in love with who I did and his family turned out to be horrific. My sisters fiancé is her first and only boyfriend. She hot the jackpot the first time.


You accepted bad treatment, you got bad treatment. You accepted a boyfriend who looked the other way, he turned into a fiancee, then a husband who ignored the problem. It's not bad luck, it's bad choices. Accept ownership of your live and slide into the driver's seat.
Anonymous
Post 10/11/2020 22:03     Subject: Re:Jealous of sisters in laws
Op here. If I had dozens of suitors to pick from sure. I fell in love with who I did and his family turned out to be horrific. My sisters fiancé is her first and only boyfriend. She hot the jackpot the first time.
Anonymous
Post 10/11/2020 21:30     Subject: Jealous of sisters in laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You pick the whole thing, it isn’t luck. I picked a man AND his family. Unless your partner has chosen to have no contact with his family, you should be planning on the whole group. I’d also not marry someone who tolerating their family treating me poorly. Again, choices.


I didn't have multiple suitors and multiple offers to choose from. Are you guys all like supermodels or something?


Psst...some of us were content to not get married. GASP!
Anonymous
Post 10/11/2020 21:23     Subject: Jealous of sisters in laws
Anonymous wrote:You pick the whole thing, it isn’t luck. I picked a man AND his family. Unless your partner has chosen to have no contact with his family, you should be planning on the whole group. I’d also not marry someone who tolerating their family treating me poorly. Again, choices.


I didn't have multiple suitors and multiple offers to choose from. Are you guys all like supermodels or something?
Anonymous
Post 10/11/2020 20:40     Subject: Jealous of sisters in laws
Op I thought my inlaws were great as well until after the wedding and then MIL turned into a crazy person. I would wait and see, I've so many stories where the wedding or a birth changes things however yes I would also be jealous of that as well.

When I married I thought I would be close with his family but things didn't turn out that way. I am really disappointed that I ended up with the in-laws that I have. I envisaged lots of family holidays together in harmony, I got coldness and ice, ignored on some occasions, it's really not that much fun and I've come to actively dislike them. It's a shame. Your sister is very lucky.

Anonymous
Post 10/11/2020 19:13     Subject: Jealous of sisters in laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Luck? Luck nothing.

If that's what you wanted, you should have left DH when you were still only married or engaged and they treated you coldly. You accepted their treatment of you, and doubled down on that acceptence when you accepted the ring. You tripled down when you said vows.

Your choices, and own them, OP.


It would be sad to miss out on a great spouse because you don’t like their family of origin. Good people come from all types of families.


Then make your choice, by all means. Own your choice, live your choice, and stop complaining. Don't complain about a KNOWN challenge; a challenge you accepted thrice over by continuing to date, getting engaged, and getting married.


I agree. My husband's family came with some known issues. I made my choice and I owned it. I am very happy but I know I wouldn't be if I was spending all of my time weaseling around crying about how life was unfair. Turns out that once I started looking at my inlaws differently they are actually pretty okay. There are some things I ignore and there are some things I grin and bear but I am sure they can say the same things about me. And before anyone says but mine are racist or mine are ... well, I could say the same things. My husband and I now have a multi-racial family, and we make it work with his family. Half the time when I read people saying that their inlaws are mean and abusive, I actually think that the OP or person writing set themselves up for it. So like the PP says, choose your challenges and then own them.


This. 100%

I knew my husband has ADHD when I started dating him. Guess what I don't complain about? Seek strategies, yes. Seek out support, yes. Complain? Nope.
Anonymous
Post 10/11/2020 19:04     Subject: Re:Jealous of sisters in laws
Anonymous wrote:My ILs were just like your sisters ILs, so kind and loving. The first time I met my MIL she said call me mom and we had our own relationship separate from my husbands and her relationship. To them I was perfect and I used to wish my own family could be like his. Fast forward 10 years later when I found out DH was cheating and confided in MIL/SILs and they were so compassionate. HOWEVER by the time everything was over I found out he had a 3 year old affair baby that the whole family knew about (separate from the women I busted him cheating with. I completely stopped any relationship after they went with my husband and kids on a vacation with current husbands affair partner.


Not that you shouldn't have been close with your Inlaws but there is less than zero chance they were choosing you over their blood relative.
Anonymous
Post 10/11/2020 18:58     Subject: Jealous of sisters in laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Luck? Luck nothing.

If that's what you wanted, you should have left DH when you were still only married or engaged and they treated you coldly. You accepted their treatment of you, and doubled down on that acceptence when you accepted the ring. You tripled down when you said vows.

Your choices, and own them, OP.


It would be sad to miss out on a great spouse because you don’t like their family of origin. Good people come from all types of families.


Then make your choice, by all means. Own your choice, live your choice, and stop complaining. Don't complain about a KNOWN challenge; a challenge you accepted thrice over by continuing to date, getting engaged, and getting married.


I agree. My husband's family came with some known issues. I made my choice and I owned it. I am very happy but I know I wouldn't be if I was spending all of my time weaseling around crying about how life was unfair. Turns out that once I started looking at my inlaws differently they are actually pretty okay. There are some things I ignore and there are some things I grin and bear but I am sure they can say the same things about me. And before anyone says but mine are racist or mine are ... well, I could say the same things. My husband and I now have a multi-racial family, and we make it work with his family. Half the time when I read people saying that their inlaws are mean and abusive, I actually think that the OP or person writing set themselves up for it. So like the PP says, choose your challenges and then own them.
Anonymous
Post 10/11/2020 18:49     Subject: Jealous of sisters in laws
Inlaws weigh in more than I realized while dating. I'm not certain I would have chosen a different spouse but I'm not certain I wouldn't have. KWIM?
Anonymous
Post 10/11/2020 14:12     Subject: Jealous of sisters in laws
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Luck? Luck nothing.

If that's what you wanted, you should have left DH when you were still only married or engaged and they treated you coldly. You accepted their treatment of you, and doubled down on that acceptence when you accepted the ring. You tripled down when you said vows.

Your choices, and own them, OP.


It would be sad to miss out on a great spouse because you don’t like their family of origin. Good people come from all types of families.


Then make your choice, by all means. Own your choice, live your choice, and stop complaining. Don't complain about a KNOWN challenge; a challenge you accepted thrice over by continuing to date, getting engaged, and getting married.
Anonymous
Post 10/11/2020 14:09     Subject: Jealous of sisters in laws
Anonymous wrote:Luck? Luck nothing.

If that's what you wanted, you should have left DH when you were still only married or engaged and they treated you coldly. You accepted their treatment of you, and doubled down on that acceptence when you accepted the ring. You tripled down when you said vows.

Your choices, and own them, OP.


It would be sad to miss out on a great spouse because you don’t like their family of origin. Good people come from all types of families.