Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Midlife crisis is real. Been 20+ years. At this point I stay out of habit. Romance has a shelf life. It too bad that we force ourselves to be unhappy because of our upbringing/religion/status quo. Oh well. DADT is what Clinton proposed in the military (and in his personal life, it seems). DADT works for many. More than most of us assume. I wouldn’t divorce. Why?! You have almost everything. But go find some romance. If you want.

+1 to all of this.

I was moralistic about cheating in my 20s and 30s. Now in my 40s, and having seen soooo many affairs, I get it.

Go get it out of your system.

I suggest spending time with the victims of affairs, e.g., the betrayed spouses, and any older children (tweens/teens) that found out.

You would NEVER do that to somebody if you saw the trauma you would inflict.

I think most people here are missing the point. The OP isn’t talking about a steamy fling, she’s talking about romantic love.

OP, the vast majority of people on this planet are not romantic in the slightest. You’ve seen quite a bit of them here, where they don’t even really understand what you’re talking about. They almost seem angry that anybody believes romantic love is possible as an adult. That’s part of what makes your decision so risky, there really are very few people who value romantic love so much that they’d take a big risk for it.

I do have one bit of advice: exhaust your options with the person you’re already married to first. Try giving a little more. Start modeling the behavior you’d like to get in return. Start putting on your dating game a little by being friendlier, sweeter, more interested, and more seductive. Set up a real date night. Maybe you’ll ignite a small spark after all. If not, at least you’ll know you gave your marriage one last try.

Just do what half the population does and have an affair. It will burn out and you will be happy to still be married. Your DH probably has done it already

This is how most married people in your situation cope

Do your best to change your marriage and fix whatever is wrong. You may not get back to romantic love, but if you can get to a place where you are content, enjoy his companionship and there isn’t conflict, I think it is worth staying. Especially for your children.

Divorced parents are a challenge. Even when your kids are adults they don’t have a “home” anymore to come back to. They are constantly have to pick which of you they will visit. And trying to split special occasions between their spouse’s family plus the multiple households of your own family is a huge PIA. Add in more struggle if you do remarry, they bond with step-parent then you divorce again. You will be seeing a lot less of your adult children then you would otherwise.

Single 44 year old woman here with lost of single and divorced female friends. There is a good chance you will not find it. Your decision should be, "Would I rather be alone, or would I rather be with him?" It should not be "Would I rather be with someone I am really into, or would I rather be with him?" Do not blow up your life because you hope you will wind up with someone you are more into. It's very possible that will not happen. But, perhaps you would be happier alone. Only you can answer that. Oh, and how would you feel if you are single and he is remarried and your kids have a stepmother? Because that is the likeliest scenario.

Also without romantic love and close to sexless. I'm 40, together 14 years, married 10. We have kids. DH says he still loves me and that he's interested in sex still, but we go months. He's also emotionally not that there. I feel alone a lot, particularly during difficult times like the present.

To compound it, he's useless to me as a partner. His job comes first all the time, and he is rarely engaged around the house. I handle almost everything in the domestic sphere. Covid has not changed this. I WOH and make pretty good money, enough to support our family if he wanted to take a lower paying job for less time/stress. I never signed on for such an imbalance.

I feel like I could tolerate one or the other, but both is tough. I've been thinking about divorce for close to a year. I don't want to do this to my kids. I don't know what to do.

Anonymous wrote:lol 'romance' is for twenty somethings not 44 year olds. be an adult.

So live another 40 years without it? Great...

I don’t think the grass is greener and I think you are unlikely to find romance... just liars, cheaters, and guys wanting sex or to marry a woman 1-2 decades younger. Work on the marriage you have. Build the companionship and love. Love is an action, not a feeling. All the romance novels are wrong. And get in couples therapy. I recommend Imago therapy for relationship issues. It is worth the money.

Anonymous wrote:

Been married for a while to the same guy - we just don't love each other. Married because we thought it was the right thing to do but we aren't even friends.

I never understood this. How do people decide to get married if they are not totally in love with each other?!

Welcome to DCUM, women talk about how they did everything "right" ("I got married at 24 to a man I met in college and had all my DCs by 30 so I can be a YOUNG grandparent!") in an effort to put other people down, but then you see threads like this and you realize that despite doing it "right" these women are all missing something deeper.

Bed. Made.

Anonymous wrote:Midlife crisis is real. Been 20+ years. At this point I stay out of habit. Romance has a shelf life. It too bad that we force ourselves to be unhappy because of our upbringing/religion/status quo. Oh well. DADT is what Clinton proposed in the military (and in his personal life, it seems). DADT works for many. More than most of us assume. I wouldn’t divorce. Why?! You have almost everything. But go find some romance. If you want.

+1 to all of this.

I was moralistic about cheating in my 20s and 30s. Now in my 40s, and having seen soooo many affairs, I get it.

Go get it out of your system.

The truth is that not many long term marriages are filled with romantic love. If you consider half end in divorce, that leaves the other half. Many of those are sexless, or low physical or romantic intimacy.

Yes, I know someone will jump in and tell me "My DH and I have an amazing, sex-filled marriage and I married my best friend and lover!" Good for you. No, really, that's great, I believe you. It's just not that common.

Thing is, most of us married someone in our 20s whom we had deep, romantic love with. It's really hard to maintain for decades, especially with any number of things life throws at us.

As for me, I am also 45 and in a decent marriage insofar as we don't really fight, we have a stable house, thriving kids, financially successful. But zero romantic love, practically sexless, and I dream of what it would be like to be with someone who was truly excited to be with me. I know that would also fade, so I don't jump ship. But I also understand why so many people have affairs.

I read divorce blogs for my wake-up call about how many problems that brings that I never think about when I fantasize about starting over.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Midlife crisis is real. Been 20+ years. At this point I stay out of habit. Romance has a shelf life. It too bad that we force ourselves to be unhappy because of our upbringing/religion/status quo. Oh well. DADT is what Clinton proposed in the military (and in his personal life, it seems). DADT works for many. More than most of us assume. I wouldn’t divorce. Why?! You have almost everything. But go find some romance. If you want.

Going to find d@ck outside marriage isn’t love. FFS

Oh, the men will tell them they love them in order to bust a nut and then drop them like a hot potato when they tire of them. Happens all the time. It’s easy to play with delusional women wanting to believe in some torrid love fantasy.

Love Ashley Madison style

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Midlife crisis is real. Been 20+ years. At this point I stay out of habit. Romance has a shelf life. It too bad that we force ourselves to be unhappy because of our upbringing/religion/status quo. Oh well. DADT is what Clinton proposed in the military (and in his personal life, it seems). DADT works for many. More than most of us assume. I wouldn’t divorce. Why?! You have almost everything. But go find some romance. If you want.

Going to find d@ck outside marriage isn’t love. FFS

Oh, the men will tell them they love them in order to bust a nut and then drop them like a hot potato when they tire of them. Happens all the time. It’s easy to play with delusional women wanting to believe in some torrid love fantasy.

I think you should repair the marriage. A miserable marriage negates everything else. And it doesn’t sound like there are any particular problems harming your marriage, OP. If you entered a relationship with another man you would probably just repeat all the patterns that led to your current predicament.

Anonymous wrote:Midlife crisis is real. Been 20+ years. At this point I stay out of habit. Romance has a shelf life. It too bad that we force ourselves to be unhappy because of our upbringing/religion/status quo. Oh well. DADT is what Clinton proposed in the military (and in his personal life, it seems). DADT works for many. More than most of us assume. I wouldn’t divorce. Why?! You have almost everything. But go find some romance. If you want.

Going to find d@ck outside marriage isn’t love. FFS