Gah...I’m curious. Typing on my phone.

Anonymous wrote:My senior year of HS I had been dating a girl for about a year. Her parents let me sleep over (in the basement guest room) a few times when it was snowing so I didn't have to drive in the dark and snow.

I won't even mention what we got up to.

My daughter will not be having sleepovers.

I curious. You did this. Right?
And presumably you both enjoyed it and no one got hurt?
But you definitely don’t want to let your daughter do it. Because why?
Why was it ok for you to do it but not your daughter?

Seriously? A 21 year old drink, vote, go die in a war. And you’re weirded out that they’re having sex?

^ sex talks

My college kids know their SO’s will stay in separate bedrooms at our house. We have had the red talks with our kids, this isn’t about that. I would feel awkward with them sleeping together across the hall from me (or hearing it), and it’s my house. I also have a younger kid and that’s a consideration.

Just be up front ahead of time. Hurt feelings and frustrations are increases when there is surprise about sleeping arrangements.

FWIW, your kids are having sex in college and will have sex in your home even if there are separate beds. You cannot choose what behavior they engage in as young adults, only how you will respond to it.

College.

I MIGHT hesitate if I had younger children at home still (younger than say 16) and the other person wasn't a serious relationship. So, if you're 20, your little brother is 14, and you bring home a rando you met a month ago, I might say no. But in that case - why are you bringing this person home anyway? Isn't your relationship not there yet?

But I plan on teaching (or attempting to teach) my children my values around sex: that sex is a bad idea before you've graduated from high school, that sex is best in a committed relationship, and that especially in that case it can be fun and a great source of bonding and closeness, the importance of consent and reciprocation, ways to protect and be mindful of your sexual and reproductive health, the importance of birth control, and that sexual compatibility is important in a long term relationship, so waiting until you're married to have sex is risky.

Having sex with your college girlfriend/boyfriend is thus absolutely a decision that I respect, and that fits within the values I hope to teach my children.

Both my kids had serious boyfriends/girlfriends in college. They both often came to visit. One lived with us for 2 summers during college. We didn't have a problem with them sharing a bed. Were we supposed to pretend they didn't share a bed in college?

My senior year of HS I had been dating a girl for about a year. Her parents let me sleep over (in the basement guest room) a few times when it was snowing so I didn't have to drive in the dark and snow.

I won't even mention what we got up to.

My daughter will not be having sleepovers.

Anonymous wrote:You are still viewing yourself as the parent of a child, but she is an adult now. If you say no, this may have the effect of her not being as open or honest with you in the future. What kind of role do you want to play in her life going forward?

Normal people laugh and have sex anyway - and then sleep in those separate rooms.

Anonymous wrote:Just as a data point, when I was 23 and we went to my boyfriend's house to visit, his mother tried to put us in two different rooms. My boyfriend smiled, declined, and we went to a hotel, and cut our visit short by about 3 days. We married later, but the way she treated us on that visit has always colored our relationship with her. Respect your children's relationships and treat them like the adults they are.

You have no idea how stupid you (and your DH) sound, do you?

People who think they can control whether or not other people have sex in their house are crazy. My DH and I almost always have sex when we stay in someone else's house. It's new and exciting!

Marriage or possibly engagement. I'd always allow them to spend the night at my house, but in separate beds. My boyfriends and later my fiance was allowed to spend the night in the guest room. My inlaws gave me the guest room too.

Funny story- my inlaws prepared the guest room (a twin bed) for me after we were married at Christmas and prepared Dh's room for him (a twin bed). I was so angry I was seeing stars. We left after dinner and didn't spend the night (3 hour drive so that was always an option).

College. They can sleep over when they’re all in college

You are still viewing yourself as the parent of a child, but she is an adult now. If you say no, this may have the effect of her not being as open or honest with you in the future. What kind of role do you want to play in her life going forward?