Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

jsmith123 wrote:It's totally normal to grieve an outcome that never materialized.

But if you get stuck in that grief, and it embitters you, consider seeing someone.

+1.

OP, your feelings are completely understandable. However, as we all know, how you feel about things changes nothing about the reality of them. It's more productive to enjoy what you have and to take steps to address what you aren't happy with.

Have you tried talking to your husband about how you feel? Could you talk to your doctor about whether you might be able to have another child? Have you considered adoption? Is there another career that you can pursue?

Good luck!

OP here. Thanks for this (and to everyone else who responded).

We’ve done therapy for years and nothing helps. He’s just not into me and therapy won’t fix that.

I can physically have children, but I’m not going to bring any more into this marriage. It wouldn’t be fair to the child. And I don’t think divorcing so I could have more kids is fair to my DC.

I don't know your marriage or what therapy was like for you, but I do think therapy could help you figure out what to do with these pieces of your life that are disappointing you. Your marriage sounds sterile, which is so troubling. It would be one thing if it was just not enough sex or affection (I think those are common complaints) but to say your husband never really cared for you and still doesn't is a lot. I think going to therapy on your own and looking at how feeling unloved in your marriage (and potentially in your FOO too if I'm reading between the lines) is paralyzing you in your unhappiness.

I agree having another child is a bad idea in this setting, but I do think you need to spend some time figuring out what it is you want. You say your life doesn't look the way you envisioned before. Well, what do you envision for yourself 10 years from now. If it's not the big family, what is it? And what resources do you have now to get there? Could you go back to school to study something you love? Is there a way for you to still work in the industry you left even if health issues keep you from pursuing the specific job you had? Do you have friends or family you envy and if so, what do you envy about their lives? This is a good way to figure out what exactly you want.

My primary advice is therapy (for you, not just couple's therapy) and focus on what you need to be happy outside your relationship. I think pursuing a life goal will help clarify what is going on in your relationship and help you figure out if it can be repaired or if there is a way to move on.

My life has been not bad but not great either, and pretty bleak at times, due to some situations and genes beyond my control. Other people would probably not be able to tolerate what I've had to put up with, but I have persistence. I'm working on a few areas which previously were not going to improve. Also due to some strange twists of fate, I'm hopeful another situation will change for the better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

jsmith123 wrote:It's totally normal to grieve an outcome that never materialized.

But if you get stuck in that grief, and it embitters you, consider seeing someone.

+1.

OP, your feelings are completely understandable. However, as we all know, how you feel about things changes nothing about the reality of them. It's more productive to enjoy what you have and to take steps to address what you aren't happy with.

Have you tried talking to your husband about how you feel? Could you talk to your doctor about whether you might be able to have another child? Have you considered adoption? Is there another career that you can pursue?

Good luck!

OP here. Thanks for this (and to everyone else who responded).

We’ve done therapy for years and nothing helps. He’s just not into me and therapy won’t fix that.

I can physically have children, but I’m not going to bring any more into this marriage. It wouldn’t be fair to the child. And I don’t think divorcing so I could have more kids is fair to my DC.

Is it fair to your child to be seeing this model of how marriages work?

Divorce is traumatic, but your house sounds very sad and empty. Don 't assume the path you are on is better for a child.

Anonymous wrote:Sure. I truly thought I would be awesome in some way that others could recognize (Olympics, Emmys, etc.) and that's not the case.

But, my biggest fear was also winding up in prison and that's never happened yet. I was fingerprinted once, and thought I was fine but was so nervous I hysterically laughed so hard through the process that the police officer doing my finger printing was laughing too.

I'm sorry your husband sucks.

I like you, PP.

Anonymous wrote:I think dreams from our youth are not realistic.

Like you may see a person who appears to have an adoring husband (but he cheats on her). Or you may see someone with the perfect figure (but she has an eating disorder). No one has it all. Really, either their health is bad or their FOO or their relationship with their children (many successful people are not close to their children). So, I can relate to the fact that you did not reach the highest heights...but I think part of your disappointment may stem from not realizing that most things aren't as dazzling as they look from afar (day in day out day in day out).

Eh, some people really do have great lives and the whole package. Thats the rule of big numbers. You can't bring everyone down to where we are, you just have to find joy where you can without comparing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's a FOO?

family of origin

This was new to me too, and thank you OP for giving this great acronym b/c my FOO is FOOCKED UP so I love this.

I know you didn't create it but, thank you for sharing I mean.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's a FOO?

family of origin

This was new to me too, and thank you OP for giving this great acronym b/c my FOO is FOOCKED UP so I love this.

I have a chronic disease, a husband who has Asperger's and fits of madness, a child with special needs, and I too had to give up my career to care for him.

But I can't complain.

My health is monitored.
My husband is very intelligent and a good companion *most* of the time.
My child with special needs is affectionate and compliant.
My other child is delightful.
I'm trying to find a new career.

So... I count my blessings.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear ya OP. Most days I’m ok, but I get in a funk every now and then (often hormone related.)

I’m divorced and watching my ex blissfully move on with the woman he cheated on me with. (They’re married and it’s been 4 years so it’s not a passing thing.) I feel stuck in my house and can’t afford the upgrades I want to do or to sell for something better. I’m not succeeding at work or with helping the kids with distance learning. I have lots of acquaintances, but no good local friends.

Usually it fades in a day or but I’ve spent the last two nights tossing and turning over it. The added exhaustion doesn’t help.

I'm in the beginning stages of this now. Everyone says "it never lasts," but I know many of these relationships do. I feel guilty that I want the father of my kids to get hit by a bus right now.

I hope you have a nice weekend and are kind to yourself.

This may sound crazy, but I wish my husband would cheat and move on. He clearly just can't stand me, but he is in our house almost 24 hours a day, with no life, no job, just luxuriating off his trust fund while I toil at work and raising the kids with little support from him. I resent, and would even go as far as say I hate, him, but cannot afford divorce in this god-awful city that he made us live in because his elitist, hateful parents live here, too. If he would just find someone else and move on, it would be the happiest day of my life. Unfortunately, he's so lazy he'll never even do that.

Why are you giving him ALL the power??? You said you can't afford to leave him IN THIS GOD AWFUL CITY. So, leave him and live somewhere cheaper. You sound like you have NO agency in your own life. You are wallowing in misery but won't take any steps to escape. Please seek therapy because you really DO NOT have to continue living as you are. Therapy can help people get unstuck.

I think dreams from our youth are not realistic.

Like you may see a person who appears to have an adoring husband (but he cheats on her). Or you may see someone with the perfect figure (but she has an eating disorder). No one has it all. Really, either their health is bad or their FOO or their relationship with their children (many successful people are not close to their children). So, I can relate to the fact that you did not reach the highest heights...but I think part of your disappointment may stem from not realizing that most things aren't as dazzling as they look from afar (day in day out day in day out).

OP, you don't say how old you are, and divorce isn't anything to take lightly, but resigning yourself to a miserable life isn't right either. I've been fortunate in my career and have young adult children who are doing well, but I should have left my husband when they were young and I was young enough to have had the opportunity to remarry.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear ya OP. Most days I’m ok, but I get in a funk every now and then (often hormone related.)

I’m divorced and watching my ex blissfully move on with the woman he cheated on me with. (They’re married and it’s been 4 years so it’s not a passing thing.) I feel stuck in my house and can’t afford the upgrades I want to do or to sell for something better. I’m not succeeding at work or with helping the kids with distance learning. I have lots of acquaintances, but no good local friends.

Usually it fades in a day or but I’ve spent the last two nights tossing and turning over it. The added exhaustion doesn’t help.

I'm in the beginning stages of this now. Everyone says "it never lasts," but I know many of these relationships do. I feel guilty that I want the father of my kids to get hit by a bus right now.

I hope you have a nice weekend and are kind to yourself.

This may sound crazy, but I wish my husband would cheat and move on. He clearly just can't stand me, but he is in our house almost 24 hours a day, with no life, no job, just luxuriating off his trust fund while I toil at work and raising the kids with little support from him. I resent, and would even go as far as say I hate, him, but cannot afford divorce in this god-awful city that he made us live in because his elitist, hateful parents live here, too. If he would just find someone else and move on, it would be the happiest day of my life. Unfortunately, he's so lazy he'll never even do that.

I gather the trust fund income is not enough to support both of you? Just him. That sucks!
What about when/if the trust fund income runs out, or is it for his lifetime? If it does run out at some point, then what - he'll have no work experience to get a job. Will he rely on you to support him for the rest of his life? Be careful..!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear ya OP. Most days I’m ok, but I get in a funk every now and then (often hormone related.)

I’m divorced and watching my ex blissfully move on with the woman he cheated on me with. (They’re married and it’s been 4 years so it’s not a passing thing.) I feel stuck in my house and can’t afford the upgrades I want to do or to sell for something better. I’m not succeeding at work or with helping the kids with distance learning. I have lots of acquaintances, but no good local friends.

Usually it fades in a day or but I’ve spent the last two nights tossing and turning over it. The added exhaustion doesn’t help.

I'm in the beginning stages of this now. Everyone says "it never lasts," but I know many of these relationships do. I feel guilty that I want the father of my kids to get hit by a bus right now.

I hope you have a nice weekend and are kind to yourself.

This may sound crazy, but I wish my husband would cheat and move on. He clearly just can't stand me, but he is in our house almost 24 hours a day, with no life, no job, just luxuriating off his trust fund while I toil at work and raising the kids with little support from him. I resent, and would even go as far as say I hate, him, but cannot afford divorce in this god-awful city that he made us live in because his elitist, hateful parents live here, too. If he would just find someone else and move on, it would be the happiest day of my life. Unfortunately, he's so lazy he'll never even do that.

Sometimes, yes. I am sad about how my life turned out.

Anonymous wrote:I am a 50-year-old single woman, no kids, never married. I have a dog I love. I would be traveling or planning a fun trip right now. This COVID-19 situation has made me look around and see that I have no one but my dog. If something happened to me, no one but my dog would care. LoL.

Eh, being married and having kids is so overrated.