Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not normal, but I will say that having to get the kids ready for a sitter, arranging a sitter, thinking about the sitter is very stressful. Make sure you arrange the sitter and the plans and do a lot of the prep to get the kids ready before you head out. It might just be more exhausting for her to think about going out and getting a "break" than to just stay home. Also consider doing a Saturday date when she can relax for a couple of hours before the sitter arrives and then you head out. But by this age she should be able to separate more with your help. Good luck!

Not to hijack this thread, but what does "get the kids ready for the sitter mean"? If this is a thing, then I haven't been doing it, and now I'm worried.

When they were in elementary school I would always make sure their homework done before the sitter arrived (not an issue on the weekends of course). Usually would also do any baths/showers. Have dinner ready or order something. Just basically make it so the sitter just had to entertain them and put them to bed.

Hire a nanny to work 20 hours a week unless she hands off the kids when you get home at 5 or 6pm. And aren’t taking work calls and emails all evening and weekend.

Do not dump on a SAHM.

She probably thinks this is just another thing to do in terms of keeping you happy, sorry it is too much. Lay out groceries for a week and cook for her and the family every night (not, what should I make for dinner tonight, rather, I went to the store and bought xx meal and it will be ready at 7 pm). Give her a break like this and she might have the mental and physical energy to engage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she’s a SAHM, then the kids are her job. She doesn’t leave her job at the office.

You must be from another century
Kids are the job of both parents regardless who is sahm

DP but I think PP was saying DW isn't able to leave her job at the office the way WOH people often are, because her job is the kids and the home. It's harder to turn it off at home when all your "work tasks" are there in front of you.

Anonymous wrote:Not normal, but I will say that having to get the kids ready for a sitter, arranging a sitter, thinking about the sitter is very stressful. Make sure you arrange the sitter and the plans and do a lot of the prep to get the kids ready before you head out. It might just be more exhausting for her to think about going out and getting a "break" than to just stay home. Also consider doing a Saturday date when she can relax for a couple of hours before the sitter arrives and then you head out. But by this age she should be able to separate more with your help. Good luck!

Not to hijack this thread, but what does "get the kids ready for the sitter mean"? If this is a thing, then I haven't been doing it, and now I'm worried.

Anonymous wrote:If she’s a SAHM, then the kids are her job. She doesn’t leave her job at the office.

When was the last time you planned a date with her? Really did all the planning as if you were planning a meeting at work? Check her calendar to see when she is free, not ask her when is good? Make sure the following day doesn’t require some sort of evening prep. Arrange for the sitter. Provide dinner for the sitter and the kids. Make the dinner reservation again or give her a choice of 3 places.

You sound like someone who avoids her DH and creates new hurdles each time he tries to get close to you.

Anonymous wrote:If she’s a SAHM, then the kids are her job. She doesn’t leave her job at the office.

You must be from another century
Kids are the job of both parents regardless who is sahm

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her you miss her (don't criticize or complain) and brainstorm other options, together.

This x1000.

My DH complains I don't spend enough time with him....usually while he's sitting on the couch watching tv and I'm taking care of our kids. Then he expects me to come up with a solution. When couple time becomes just another to-do on my list, yea, I don't wanna do it.

Yeah, I can't speak to OP's wife, because women aren't some monolith, but when my spouse treats dates/affection/sex as something that I owe him and that are on me to make happen, they turn into a chore. Or he'll say that "we should do X," but he won't make it happen, because what he means is that "I should plan X."

DP, absolutely this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her you miss her (don't criticize or complain) and brainstorm other options, together.

This x1000.

My DH complains I don't spend enough time with him....usually while he's sitting on the couch watching tv and I'm taking care of our kids. Then he expects me to come up with a solution. When couple time becomes just another to-do on my list, yea, I don't wanna do it.

Yeah, I can't speak to OP's wife, because women aren't some monolith, but when my spouse treats dates/affection/sex as something that I owe him and that are on me to make happen, they turn into a chore. Or he'll say that "we should do X," but he won't make it happen, because what he means is that "I should plan X."

We have two kids ages 2 and 3 and we still make time for dates and sex (obviously not really dates now with COVID). Pre-COVID we would make arrangements to spend a day or two with the grandparents and we would usually go out to dinner after the kids were in bed. Pre-COVID we would also take a vacation for one week by ourselves. In terms of sex we usually have sex during their naptime on weekends.

Yes, the kids can be stressful and it is a lot of work but it's not so overwhelming that you and your DW can't find time to manage the relationship too. The other thing here is that you had a period with only one little child and that really shouldn't have been that overwhelming for her.

Anonymous wrote:I agree find a sitter for a standing date night every other week. Then it's planned and becomes part of everyone's routine. What did you like to do together before kids?

Sounds like DW may have anxiety that needs to be addressed. Its healthy and important to remain husband and wife apart from mom and dad. I will admit, sometimes as a SAHM DH has to remind me to turn mom off after the kids go to sleep. But I can't do it immediately. I need to go for a walk or take a bath or read for a little bit to decompress. Then I can regroup and be wife.

Instead of making her do a 12-15 hour day with the kids, house and family schedule plus a date night, Op should hire a sitter and housekeeper to let his wife do some self-care and re-energize during the day.
OP should be the one to train and manage the housekeeper with her every day tasks and weekly tasks (grocery list day, vacussme days, laundry days, tidy up days, paperwork filing day, garbage collection day, kids to soccer times, school zoom times, etc. Set it up OP.