Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Older woman on here and agree with all the PPs.

Let's even take sex out of the picture...let's assume there was no sex, and there is no sex now.

SHE is his best friend. He's as much said so.

OP, you want your spouse to be your best friend. That spot is taken.

You need to leave. Don't listen to him because he's already sneaking and lying, and as another PP said, this is supposed to be the easiest time in a relationship.

Don't be that woman who saw the red flags, ignored them, and then find he's meeting up with her secretly while you have an infant in hand and a toddler hanging off your leg. You think you are in hell, now? Try that one on for size.

All. Of. This.

This was me, btw. Total hell. And I found out I was pregnant with a third right after discovery. How I wish I could go back and counsel the younger me. I'm a real catch and I lost out on the opportunity to have a family with a man that really loves ME. All in on ME. Don't do that to yourself. You deserve so much more.

NP. I’m sorry PP. your DH still keeps contact even after discovery? Have you met her?

He actually finally "broke contact" and got himself into therapy. But this went on for 5 years of lies and deceit so even if I could forgive him, imagine trying to trust him again?

I know who she is. She's not special at all, nothing but a mess of interalized misogyny and low self esteem. She has always been extremely jealous of me and would love nothing more than to break up my family. The kicker is, their relationship was full of conflict.

But my point for OP is that she deserves more. These kind of problems don't just disappear and point to a significant character deficit within HIM. Know that you deserve better than he can give you, OP. Turn around and don't look back. 1 or 2 years from now you'll be so relieved.

Anonymous wrote:I am getting divorced from a man who cheated on me with men, and it doesn't negate that we have grown up together and will always be friends. We've had a terrible sex life forever (duh), and we have no desire to have sex again. All these paranoid PPs who can't fathom a friendship with the ex -- what kind of weak emotional connection did they have that they cant fathom this? Hes been hiding his phone because he knows youre irrational about this. Team boyfriend all the way. But you should break up because you aren't mature or intuitive enough to understand such a relationship.

You are projecting your own screwed-up issues on the OP.

She should break up because he is gaslighting her. He has lied and continues to lie about contact with his ex.

You, however, should seek therapy.

Anonymous wrote:I am getting divorced from a man who cheated on me with men, and it doesn't negate that we have grown up together and will always be friends. We've had a terrible sex life forever (duh), and we have no desire to have sex again. All these paranoid PPs who can't fathom a friendship with the ex -- what kind of weak emotional connection did they have that they cant fathom this? Hes been hiding his phone because he knows youre irrational about this. Team boyfriend all the way. But you should break up because you aren't mature or intuitive enough to understand such a relationship.

This is bullshit and very different because you will never be a threat to your ex-husband's future relationships. You texting him will not anger another woman. A gay man won't be threatened by you because you are not a male.

Anonymous wrote:I am getting divorced from a man who cheated on me with men, and it doesn't negate that we have grown up together and will always be friends. We've had a terrible sex life forever (duh), and we have no desire to have sex again. All these paranoid PPs who can't fathom a friendship with the ex -- what kind of weak emotional connection did they have that they cant fathom this? Hes been hiding his phone because he knows youre irrational about this. Team boyfriend all the way. But you should break up because you aren't mature or intuitive enough to understand such a relationship.

Kim?

End it.
Believe me when I say this, there are men you don't have to beg to treat you properly.
Men you don't have to beg to be their priority.
Let this guy go, and don't takk him back. When you dummp him, it's likely he'll come back with all kinds of sorries and promises. He has had 2 years too long to change, he hasn't.

Move on, and find one of the guys that wants to be with you and only you.

I am getting divorced from a man who cheated on me with men, and it doesn't negate that we have grown up together and will always be friends. We've had a terrible sex life forever (duh), and we have no desire to have sex again. All these paranoid PPs who can't fathom a friendship with the ex -- what kind of weak emotional connection did they have that they cant fathom this? Hes been hiding his phone because he knows youre irrational about this. Team boyfriend all the way. But you should break up because you aren't mature or intuitive enough to understand such a relationship.

I’d end it. Sorry OP!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Older woman on here and agree with all the PPs.

Let's even take sex out of the picture...let's assume there was no sex, and there is no sex now.

SHE is his best friend. He's as much said so.

OP, you want your spouse to be your best friend. That spot is taken.

You need to leave. Don't listen to him because he's already sneaking and lying, and as another PP said, this is supposed to be the easiest time in a relationship.

Don't be that woman who saw the red flags, ignored them, and then find he's meeting up with her secretly while you have an infant in hand and a toddler hanging off your leg. You think you are in hell, now? Try that one on for size.

All. Of. This.

This was me, btw. Total hell. And I found out I was pregnant with a third right after discovery. How I wish I could go back and counsel the younger me. I'm a real catch and I lost out on the opportunity to have a family with a man that really loves ME. All in on ME. Don't do that to yourself. You deserve so much more.

NP. I’m sorry PP. your DH still keeps contact even after discovery? Have you met her?

Anonymous wrote:Older woman on here and agree with all the PPs.

Let's even take sex out of the picture...let's assume there was no sex, and there is no sex now.

SHE is his best friend. He's as much said so.

OP, you want your spouse to be your best friend. That spot is taken.

You need to leave. Don't listen to him because he's already sneaking and lying, and as another PP said, this is supposed to be the easiest time in a relationship.

Don't be that woman who saw the red flags, ignored them, and then find he's meeting up with her secretly while you have an infant in hand and a toddler hanging off your leg. You think you are in hell, now? Try that one on for size.

All. Of. This.

This was me, btw. Total hell. And I found out I was pregnant with a third right after discovery. How I wish I could go back and counsel the younger me. I'm a real catch and I lost out on the opportunity to have a family with a man that really loves ME. All in on ME. Don't do that to yourself. You deserve so much more.

You don't trust him.

Maybe you're paranoid and controlling, maybe he's still hung up on the ex-wife, it's basically impossible to tell from this description (although the latter seems more likely) but either way - this relationship isn't working. It's time to break up.

Older woman on here and agree with all the PPs.

Let's even take sex out of the picture...let's assume there was no sex, and there is no sex now.

SHE is his best friend. He's as much said so.

OP, you want your spouse to be your best friend. That spot is taken.

You need to leave. Don't listen to him because he's already sneaking and lying, and as another PP said, this is supposed to be the easiest time in a relationship.

Don't be that woman who saw the red flags, ignored them, and then find he's meeting up with her secretly while you have an infant in hand and a toddler hanging off your leg. You think you are in hell, now? Try that one on for size.

He's been GASLIGHTING you the whole time.

Do what you have to do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry. I would end it also. He isn't 100% with you. He may move on eventually...likely when his ex re-marries, but who knows. All you can do is figure he isn't ready now and hasn't been honest with you and move on

OP: According to him, they met when he was 19. She's the only other woman he's ever been with. So, from 19 to 34, she was his life. He said to me once, "It's hard to cut off someone who was part of your life for 20 years. Sometimes they're still important to you even if you aren't in love with them." I don't know what to do with that.

OP, think of it this way--he's saying that he needs to have her in his life on some level, that he's not ready to cut her out and may never be ready. That's his truth.

Ok, what's your truth? What can you deal with and what is a deal breaker for you? You have the right to say you aren't comfortable with the level of interaction between them and if it's boundary crosser for you then let him know and ask him to compromise to get to a place that works for both of you (which means you both give a little--him too).

He has the choice to respect your boundaries and you have the right to walk if he won't respect them.

It may be difficult for you to leave, but are years of this bothering you something you want to sign up for in this one life you've got?

I find it pretty telling that he saw you see the text message, knew it hurt you, and hasn't made a single attempt to discuss it with you for 2 days.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are a prop in their ongoing saga. I would move on.

Why did they get divorced?

OP: According to him, they stopped having any shared interests. She just wants to sit in the house all day, and he wanted to go out and do things. He also said there was no physical attraction anymore-- they didn't have sex for the last 6 years of their marriage. He was the one who ended it and asked her to move out.

They haven't had sex in 11 years and he's sneaking around with his phone texting her all day?

I hope you don't believe this, OP. You deserve better.

Right. They’re having sex, have had it when they should not have, or are talking about the possibility of having it. He is probably trying to get ex back by making her jealous. Or avoid his heartache by lying to himself about how serious he is with OP. BTDT, got the T-shirt, donated it to goodwill.