Anonymous
Post 09/01/2020 14:57     Subject: Re:I think I’m a crappy mom and doubting my ability to parent.
Anonymous wrote:Oh OP, this is such a hard age.

Read No Bad Kids -- it was a huge help to me.

Also, this is the absolute peak age for separation anxiety. IT GETS BETTER. Truly.

Lastly, next time your husband is away, make sure to schedule your nanny or a sitter for a couple hours. No shame in that, even though people in DCUM-land will tell you otherwise.


Yes to No Bad Kids! Surprised it took 3 pages to bring up Janet Lansbury. Her website has much of the material in the book as well as transcripts of her podcast. The advice is simple and repetitive for good reason, and might help you reframe your child's behavior and your reactions. The whole 'let feelings be' was a revelation to me. You're not a bad mom and most of us have felt like this at some point.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2020 14:56     Subject: I think I’m a crappy mom and doubting my ability to parent.
Anonymous wrote:My husband was away all weekend and it was just me and my son, who is 16 months.

He is a sweet boy, but incredibly clingy. I cannot go to the bathroom alone or shower. If I put him in his pack and play so I can get something - anything - done, he will scream non stop, even with the television on.

If I try to make food or lunch for him, he is at my feet begging to be picked up. I cannot turn my back or walk away or else he will cry.

He was refusing his nap and didn’t go down for his nap that starts at 11 until about 1PM. When I’d try to put him down he would immediately stand up and want to get out of his crub.

I felt so overwhelmed I went into the bathroom and closed the door for two minutes. My son was on the other side beating on the door and screaming. It felt like an eternity and I came out feeling worse than when I went in.

My son won’t go down with my husband at night. He will cry for me. Half of the time he wants to nurse to sleep and I am so done with nursing.

I am exhausted from being needed all the time. I work full time and also have a nanny and a housekeeper. So I feel like I shouldn’t be the one to complain.

But when my husband takes off for an entire weekend and I can’t shower or even go to the bathroom, i feel like I’m about to lose it. It’s so hard. It makes me doubt myself as a mother. I didn’t get to do anything that I wanted to do and felt like I was just going through the motions.

I really don’t love this toddler stage. I’m feeling resentful of my husband. My cup is empty.


You're not a crappy mom-- it was just like that for me, too, at that age (except my husband never left for a whole weekend without my mom coming over to help me instead, because I knew I couldn't handle it on my own at that age without being as miserable as you are.) It got a lot better by 2-2.5, and even more so beyond that.

If you are done with nursing, though, is there a reason not to wean? I'd urge you to do it.

And if part of your feelings of resentment are because your husband is not doing a fully equal share of parenting-- and I mean totally equal, so if you're doing all of the bedtimes then your husband's doing something else equally burdensome to balance it out-- then please address it. For some reason, some people (both women and men) act like the fact that one parent happens to be a guy means that his role in parenting should somehow be less than the other parent, which is pretty ridiculous when you think about it, and ends up being really unhealthy and damaging for everyone in the family in the long run. (And if your cup is empty, he should probably be doing more than 50% for awhile as you get through this tough stretch, especially if him not pulling his weight so far is part of what got you here, but even if it's not, that's what being a good spouse and parent looks like.)
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2020 14:50     Subject: I think I’m a crappy mom and doubting my ability to parent.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The problem is that you don't know you son. Meaning that you want an easy solution to nap and sleep issues and feeding and you want an easy kid. I bet your his nanny works hard to entertain him and take care of him. Cause that is what having a baby and a toddler is about. A lot of work.
All I am hearing is that you are lazy.


Why don't you call her fat for the full misogyny? We see you, mommy shamer. Gross.

Don't give a crap about what you think is misogyny here. She is an incompetent parent, in her case a mom. Being a mom is hard work, I am shaming her for being lazy, which she is, when it comes to her child. Her kid wants her for bed time, what a difficult child! He wants her on the weekends when nannyis not there, what a difficult child. I wonder why is this kid so needy and why does this OP think she needs all this me time, when she decided to have a kid? Oh, wait, it is bcs she doesn't actually take care of her child most of the time. Some poeple need to be shamed. Parenting is hard and takes a lot out of person. And op is so full of it! She has a nanny, and a housekeeper, and DH most of the time. What I am shaming is a whiner! A lazy mom whiner. If you are like her, you need some shaming too. Don't have kids if you think putting them to bed is hard. People like you and OP are gross, not me.
Her post should read: I work all the time and don't know how to take care of my almost toddler on my own.
That is shameful, regardelss of her working status.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2020 14:42     Subject: I think I’m a crappy mom and doubting my ability to parent.
Anonymous wrote:The problem is that you don't know you son. Meaning that you want an easy solution to nap and sleep issues and feeding and you want an easy kid. I bet your his nanny works hard to entertain him and take care of him. Cause that is what having a baby and a toddler is about. A lot of work.
All I am hearing is that you are lazy.


Why don't you call her fat for the full misogyny? We see you, mommy shamer. Gross.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2020 14:36     Subject: I think I’m a crappy mom and doubting my ability to parent.
My third daughter is now 28 months old and she was like this from about 15-22 months. It was hell. When she could understand me, and then when she could speak, it got a lot better — she’s still very clingy but at least she understands that I can’t [whatever it is] right now. “Mama not go privacy!” is a pretty frequent refrain in my house. It’ll get better.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2020 13:26     Subject: Re:I think I’m a crappy mom and doubting my ability to parent.
Oh OP, this is such a hard age.

Read No Bad Kids -- it was a huge help to me.

Also, this is the absolute peak age for separation anxiety. IT GETS BETTER. Truly.

Lastly, next time your husband is away, make sure to schedule your nanny or a sitter for a couple hours. No shame in that, even though people in DCUM-land will tell you otherwise.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2020 11:15     Subject: I think I’m a crappy mom and doubting my ability to parent.
My husband still goes into work and I am alone with an 18 months old and 3 month old for 12 hours a day, five days a week. It's hard. It's really really hard, but honestly I think it would be harder if you weren't used to it. OP just remember that his job right now is to not listen, test you and get into everything. Try to go for walks, set him up with activities in a safe space so you can get something done.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2020 10:43     Subject: I think I’m a crappy mom and doubting my ability to parent.
Anonymous wrote:One weekendand you are falling apart? What this really means is that you are not used to taking care of your child. Which is really sad, if you are honest with yourself. None that you wrote about is difficult child.


This is harsh but I have to agree. I’ve been taking care of my now toddler alone every weekend forever because of opposite work schedules. It’s really not that hard.

The good news for op is that this can be a wake up call to get more involved in the care of your own child. Learn how to parent instead of blaming your tiny child for being “difficult”.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2020 10:23     Subject: I think I’m a crappy mom and doubting my ability to parent.
One weekendand you are falling apart? What this really means is that you are not used to taking care of your child. Which is really sad, if you are honest with yourself. None that you wrote about is difficult child.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2020 09:35     Subject: I think I’m a crappy mom and doubting my ability to parent.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:At least you’re not like me and end up screaming at him I feel like shit every time. Sorry OP you’re doing well by my standards.



Can you do something to lessen your load, or deal with your anger, so you don't end up screaming at him? You are your child's world during the toddler stage. Screaming at a toddler is much more damaging than it might sometimes seem. You must get this to some degree because you say you feel like shit, so I'm not trying to shame you further. Verbal abuse is a big deal and something that really needs to be dealt with. Hopefully you already are getting help, perhaps?

My husband obviously doesn't remember being yelled at as a child, though he probably was. He sure does, however, remember his sister being yelled at as a toddler. It's a bad way to start off a relationship with your child and usually doesn't get better by itself. (The toddler years are not going to be the only stressful times you encounter.)


I’m the poster and still this made me feel like shit but probably because you’re right. I don’t know I cook all meals and snacks, I do dishes and laundry, I work fulllllllll fuhhhkeenn time at all times of the day, he skips naps and throws tantrums, he’s up at least two times at night so sleep is garbage, he doesn’t listen, nothing no listening, and it’s just me and my husband here, no family or friends since we just moved here. So listening to whining over and over and over and over and over and over again I lose it. So to OP you ARE doing better than others take it from me.



It's hard without other people to lean on. I hope you're able to get a break soon.


She has her husband to lean on. That's more than the single mothers have and many of them still manage not to scream at their toddlers.

I'd reccomend some books but I'm not even sure where to start. Gentle Parenting. Happiest Toddler on the Block. Anything by Janet Lansbury, her podcast is great. How does your child react when you scream at them? Your husband? That wouldn't fly in my house.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2020 09:28     Subject: I think I’m a crappy mom and doubting my ability to parent.
Ask you nanny for advice. No shame is asking for help.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2020 09:26     Subject: I think I’m a crappy mom and doubting my ability to parent.
Anonymous wrote:You’re a great mom, you just have a difficult child. My second was like this. He’s a great joy to us all now. Hang in there, ma, you’re not alone.


It's such fractured thinking to label the child as difficult. Really detrimental.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2020 09:06     Subject: I think I’m a crappy mom and doubting my ability to parent.
So does he fall asleep fast for his nap with the nanny?
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2020 09:05     Subject: I think I’m a crappy mom and doubting my ability to parent.
Anonymous wrote:You’re a great mom, you just have a difficult child. My second was like this. He’s a great joy to us all now. Hang in there, ma, you’re not alone.

I don't know about that. How is he with the nanny? All kids that age are a lot of work. Problem is OP has no idea how much work it is. I hope she gives nanny a raise.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2020 09:04     Subject: I think I’m a crappy mom and doubting my ability to parent.
The problem is that you don't know you son. Meaning that you want an easy solution to nap and sleep issues and feeding and you want an easy kid. I bet your his nanny works hard to entertain him and take care of him. Cause that is what having a baby and a toddler is about. A lot of work.
All I am hearing is that you are lazy.