Anonymous
Post 08/30/2020 16:01     Subject: Should I get back together with him?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ugh, why is there so much secrecy around getting married. It’s the biggest decision of your life. You should’ve know that he had decided that he wanted to marry you because you had a conversation about it. And that he was looking at rings.

Also if he was looking at rings, why didn’t he tell you when you were breaking up with him?



I agree with this. But I admit I am not someone who is overly sentimental. I don't see the down on one knee, me crying hysterically as romantic. I find two people agreeing that they want to be together for life and making a plan to do that romantic. So To me, if you are talking marriage, and you both want to be married, then lets set a date, and set things in motion.


I’m the PP. I am incredibly romantic and sentimental. And I met DH at 38. We had many conversations about marriage. Once we together decide that we wanted to get married, I knew it was just a matter of time before he would propose with a ring. But I knew for months that we had chosen each other.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2020 14:18     Subject: Should I get back together with him?
Anonymous wrote:I think he’s dodging a bullet. You met him a little over a year ago, and you’re playing head games because he didn’t propose on 1 June? You actually had been talking about it, and then you just go and dump him. You don’t love him, you love the idea of him and you’re 35 and freaking out.


+1 Geez, OP - you had been dating a year, everything had been going great and you had many talks about marriage. He has made it clear he wants to get married, too. Then you hit a year and just dump him out of the blue — just totally blindside him - because he hasn’t proposed yet at a smidge over your year deadline? That’s not fair to him. You’re playing a mind game instead of communicating honestly and openly. You’re not ready for marriage if that’s how you operate.

Why didn’t you sit down with him and tell him how you feel, listen to what he had to say and then make a decision? Why did you just abruptly cut it off? Because you knew the outcome would be him begging for you back, and giving you what you want. Don’t pretend otherwise.

Are you really in love with him? Because that doesn’t come around every day. If you were, you wouldn’t be cutting him off and jumping into a search for the next guy who will meet your deadline. I feel bad for your BF.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2020 14:05     Subject: Should I get back together with him?
I don’t understand why we still do the whole proposal BS anyway. My fiancé is going to propose to me because he wants to, and because he wants my son in on it so that he gets excited about all of it, but we’ve already set a date, have most of our vendors chosen, and we’ve booked the venue. Decide together that you want to get married, be adults about it. If he wants to do the whole ring and proposal thing that’s fine, but it doesn’t need to be a big dramatic thing (pretty sure my fiancé will propose over a campfire with my family around next weekend) and it doesn’t need to be a huge surprise.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2020 13:44     Subject: Should I get back together with him?
and if the wedding plans aren't forthcoming (I'd say within a month .. as your own private timeline), you DO start dating other people. Not him, but others.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2020 13:42     Subject: Should I get back together with him?
OP - assuming you feel this way -- how about you say or write him this message, "I would like to be married to you but if that is not what you want, I need to start dating other people"

I think you need to make it clear that Break Up does not equal you don't love him anymore. I think stating you love him, and want to be married to him is perfectly ok to say. Own it. Own it, but state your terms: it's happening now, yes or no.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2020 13:34     Subject: Re:Should I get back together with him?
Honestly, at that age you either know or not after a year. My DH and I knew 6 months in we wanted to get married. We decided to wait to move in to get engaged. We got engaged at the 2 year mark, married 4 months later because neither wanted nor cared for a big wedding. But we always knew we were headed in that direction. It does sound like you care more about your timeline than him as a person, though, because I'm sure he hinted at getting engaged by the end of the year, you just didn't want to listen because it wasn't exactly what you wanted to hear.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2020 13:20     Subject: Should I get back together with him?
Ultimatum marriages never succeed. Figure out if you need a timeline or him.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2020 13:17     Subject: Should I get back together with him?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ugh, why is there so much secrecy around getting married. It’s the biggest decision of your life. You should’ve know that he had decided that he wanted to marry you because you had a conversation about it. And that he was looking at rings.

Also if he was looking at rings, why didn’t he tell you when you were breaking up with him?



I agree with this. But I admit I am not someone who is overly sentimental. I don't see the down on one knee, me crying hysterically as romantic. I find two people agreeing that they want to be together for life and making a plan to do that romantic. So To me, if you are talking marriage, and you both want to be married, then lets set a date, and set things in motion.


I, too, agree with this. Unfortunately, none of us have a crystal ball to know if his offer is sincere.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2020 12:59     Subject: Should I get back together with him?
Anonymous wrote:
I think it’s fine to ask him:

“Do you want to get married?”

If yes, go away for a romantic and call it your engagement weekend. Schedule the wedding no later than 6 months from now. The people saying this is emotional blackmail or whatever else, do not get it. She’s 35 and she can see herself building a life with this guy. The clock is ticking though. If he doesn’t want the same life, she needs to move on ASAP.

She doesn’t have time for wishy washy “somedays.” Someday is right now or it’s never. This guy is almost 40 and unmarried, so he’s been waiting for the perfect time/person for a long time. He’s got tons of excuses. A year in your 30’s is plenty of time - especially if you want kids.

Also given the pandemic, a big wedding is not going to happen anytime soon, so if he wants a life with her, he should be willing to plan a small wedding in the next few months. If he’s not “ready” to get married at 37 after dating for 1 year, he never will. In 5 years he would still be stringing her along and she would likely become a very bitter person who hates him.



Actually, never mind, I just saw that you already told him all this. There’s nothing more to say. Stop taking his calls.

Anonymous
Post 08/30/2020 12:57     Subject: Should I get back together with him?

I think it’s fine to ask him:

“Do you want to get married?”

If yes, go away for a romantic and call it your engagement weekend. Schedule the wedding no later than 6 months from now. The people saying this is emotional blackmail or whatever else, do not get it. She’s 35 and she can see herself building a life with this guy. The clock is ticking though. If he doesn’t want the same life, she needs to move on ASAP.

She doesn’t have time for wishy washy “somedays.” Someday is right now or it’s never. This guy is almost 40 and unmarried, so he’s been waiting for the perfect time/person for a long time. He’s got tons of excuses. A year in your 30’s is plenty of time - especially if you want kids.

Also given the pandemic, a big wedding is not going to happen anytime soon, so if he wants a life with her, he should be willing to plan a small wedding in the next few months. If he’s not “ready” to get married at 37 after dating for 1 year, he never will. In 5 years he would still be stringing her along and she would likely become a very bitter person who hates him.


Anonymous
Post 08/30/2020 10:58     Subject: Should I get back together with him?
Anonymous wrote:
I’ve been saying my boyfriend for a little over a year. I recently ended it with him because I felt like I was not getting the commitment I want and need. I was very open about wanting to settle down and have a family within the next couple of years. We had many talks about this throughout our relationship. I told him I had a timeline and that I wanted to be engaged by 1 year. I normally would let the relationship develop naturally but I’m 35 and do not have time to wait.

I broke up with him yesterday at his place. I told him I love him and I’m in love with him but I just can’t stay in a relationship that is not headed in the direction I want. He was stunned and said that he loved me and that he didn’t want to break up. I left. Today he has called me all day and sent me texts saying he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. He had been looking at rings and he had planned to propose later this year. I want to believe him but I don’t know if he is only saying this to win me back. I love him and it was so hard to breakup with him, but I don’t want him to think me getting back together means he can have me without marriage. I feel I need a stronger commitment like an engagement to get back together. I don’t want him to feel forced into. I want him to ask me because he wants to marry me, not because he feels he will lose me. I don’t know if I should get back together and tell him I need a commitment or move on.



OP, you’ve answered your own question. You and he were on different life timelines. If you go back to him, you will forever feel like he just proposed because you forced him. You want someone who is more excited and transparent about planning life together with you. There is nothing wrong with that.

Start dating ASAP. Ask your ex-BF not to contact you for a few months. You both need time to think about your life and see other people. Encourage him to do the same. If he’s honest with himself, he will explore what made him slow to share with you what (and when) your lives together would develop.

When you date other people, look for those that truly and honestly reveal their past, present and future plans. Compare words and actions constantly - stay away from misalignments between these. Focus a lot on building your own life w/o a BF - building your career and savings so you can do things like buy a house, have kids and retire. Don’t get sucked into a love bomber who moves quickly to marriage.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2020 10:38     Subject: Should I get back together with him?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What other things has he done besides not buying a ring that indicate he doesn’t want a commitment? If it’s just the ring, give him another shot, but if there’s more than that, move on.

I wouldn’t accept him back just because of COVId like Pp suggested. COVID is temporary, but who you marry will impact your life forever. It’s fine to date right now.


OP here. Nothing besides that. He has been great. We have had at least a dozen talks about getting married and nothing has happened. I started to feel like I was in a relationship that would never turn into marriage.


So it sounds like you guys may be miscommunicated? He’s been ring shopping. Do you not believe him when he says that? Don’t move in together unless he proposes. Give him another month or so of dating and see if he produces a ring.


NP but OP said he'd been looking at rings (not shopping, which is more definitive. I can LOOK at cars and not plan to but one) And did he start looking at rings last night after she broke up with him? I'm not saying this is the case but I would be skeptical. If he legitimately wants to marry you then set a date. And then get the ring.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2020 10:32     Subject: Should I get back together with him?
Anonymous wrote:This is how my marriage started. Take him back.


Do you have a good marriage? How long have you been married?
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2020 10:31     Subject: Re:Should I get back together with him?
Anonymous wrote:You really need to up your numbers. A different guy a week until you find 2-3 you want to juggle for 3 months at a time. Then narrow it down to 1 you feel ready to go 'exclusive' with and he has six months to figure if he wants to take this further (going on long-term vacations together, moving in together, talking about an engagement)




This is the advice I was talking about it's from the " I feel stuck thread. It can apply to you OP if you decided to keep dating.


But I think this is a good idea for 35 + women who want to get married. Don't go in guns blazing telling the guy about your timeline for being married in 1 year.and announcing you expect a ring by 12 months in your first few dates. Guys are very good at telling you what you want to hear. Watch what he does.

I personally would not move in before an engagement, and that is with a plan that we are engaged and we start planning the wedding for a date within 3-12 months of the time we are engaged/move in.


By dating multiple people early on it keeps you from becoming overly anxious and overly invested too soon. You are better able to keep a clear head, and pick up more information about the men you are seeing, it also gets the men to get their butts in gear if they are interested because they know they don't already have you and paying lip service won't be ebough to keep ypu.
Anonymous
Post 08/30/2020 10:26     Subject: Should I get back together with him?
This is how my marriage started. Take him back.