To be honest, my MIL is intrusive, pushy, and hover-y. I no longer say thank you when I decline, because I am no longer grateful for her attentions. She never stops, she never respects "no," and she doesn't want to me comfortable--she wants to control and change me.

I no longer say no thank you; I say no, I've got it.

It is also rude to keep offering over and over when it is clear your DIL prefers to get her own coffee and food. It's like you are just doing it for the "thank you" and not caring about her actual comfort, which is obviously serving herself.

This. Its very rude for a host to be constantly offering unnecessary things fishing for gratitude.

Plus to the OP's follow up comment where she expects that if she offers to make someone a plate they must say thank you and take it with joy, just WTF. What grown adult wants another adult to make a plate for them. Adults, teens and older children should all be making their own plates and taking what they want not having MIL decide who eats what and how much.

Yeah everything she does that you don’t understand or approve of us actually a “millennial thing.” FFS lady, get over yourself.

If I was offered food or coffee, I'd say no thank you.

If someone is hovering about offering basic necessities, I might say something like "I've got it". But it could just be your DILs phrasing. I'm capable of asking for what I need. But I do think it is good hosting practice to say (once) "the extra towels are in here, extra toilet paper is here, and there are some toiletries/sunscreen here if you need them." Otherwise, assume they'll ask if they need something.

My MIL is a bit overbearing and sometimes treats us like kids, so that colors my view of your comment. (We were staying with them, but going to spend an overnight elsewhere, and she was running around asking me if I packed socks. ????)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were declining, I’d say no thank you. It signals at least that they were trying to be nice. She makes it sound like I’m worrying, which I am not!

It's just a phrase. No one, except you, think it's literally about worrying. But if bothers you, an easy way to get her to stop is just to offer less! It is possible that you are overly intrusive, and it's also possible that she is over concerned about not bothering you. Either way, offering less will lead to fewer of those interactions.

+1
This isn’t anything to get offended with. Keep at it and she probably won’t want to visit again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is also rude to keep offering over and over when it is clear your DIL prefers to get her own coffee and food. It's like you are just doing it for the "thank you" and not caring about her actual comfort, which is obviously serving herself.

This.

You guys are nuts. I can’t stand my MIL most of the time but I understand when she is trying to be hospitable and caring.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in the minority, but I think it's rude to say "don't worry about it" instead of "no, thank you" if someone offers me something to eat or drink. I guess because I had "please" and "thank you" drilled into me as a child. I'm fifty.

I agree that it’s rude, but personally I wouldn’t worry about it. I don’t think she’s being hostile, and I don’t think she’s going to change.

Anonymous wrote:It is also rude to keep offering over and over when it is clear your DIL prefers to get her own coffee and food. It's like you are just doing it for the "thank you" and not caring about her actual comfort, which is obviously serving herself.

This.

Anonymous wrote:I may be totally off-base, and perhaps extrapolating from my own MIL, but it sounds like in your effort to be nice, you are constantly hovering and offering. IF this is the case, she might appreciate if you told her that you have plenty of extras and to please let you know if she needs anything, and then back off so both of you can relax.

Yeah, I’m getting that bit, too, but in my case, my mother in law is constantly offering to make food. Like we all go out to lunch together, walk home (15 minutes) and she asks, “can I cut anyone an apple?” And if everyone says no, she cuts one anyway and walks around shoving it in everyone’s face talking about god healthy and good for you apples are. So I may be reading into things based on my own MIL relationship. I’d back off a bit OP. You are clearly being kind but it may be annoying.

Anonymous wrote:I'm solidly Gen X and have never heard anyone say "Don't worry about it" instead of "no thank you." I do say "no worries" but not instead of "no thank you."

Same. I thought now worried was when someone was apologizing and you didn’t think it was a big deal/necessary. Ex. Someone bumps in to you and says “so sorry.” You reply, “no worries” to communicate all is fine.

Anonymous wrote:It is also rude to keep offering over and over when it is clear your DIL prefers to get her own coffee and food. It's like you are just doing it for the "thank you" and not caring about her actual comfort, which is obviously serving herself.

100% this.

Here's another Millennial phrase for you to ponder: Read the room.

I’m gen x and I say both phrases. Stop analyzing everything to find fault.