Anonymous wrote:I hear women say this about their SOs a lot — husbands and boyfriends.

What does it mean, exactly, and why is it so common? Is it a Mars/Venus thing?

It means that the man lacks the capability to build a healthy and meaningful emotional connection. And no, there are emotionally unavailable women too. Most people who are emotionally unavailable are oblivious. Often people are guarded against vulnerability and confuse the two, but there are distinct differences in being measured and guarding your heart versus having no idea where your heart resides in the labyrinth of your conflicted and wounded soul. You couldn’t tell anyone how to get there, or even welcome them to join you, because you have no idea or interest in the discovery.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting spectrum of answers across this thread ranging from being a complete jerk (i.e. no support for a death in the family), to not being interested in a commitment, to not being a conversationalist.

The fact that the general descriptions have been all over the map and that people seem to prefer to give specific examples lead me to believe that people don't mean anything in particular by this term. It's more of a catch-all for a vague dissatisfaction about how a guy acts. But the term sounds better than "I don't like it."

My first love was not a conversationalist, but I’d never describe him as emotionally unavailable. He was really quiet, but his actions spoke louder than his words. He was very adept at showing how much he cared for me and others. He also was welcoming of comfort when he needed it himself.

Anonymous wrote:Interesting spectrum of answers across this thread ranging from being a complete jerk (i.e. no support for a death in the family), to not being interested in a commitment, to not being a conversationalist.

The fact that the general descriptions have been all over the map and that people seem to prefer to give specific examples lead me to believe that people don't mean anything in particular by this term. It's more of a catch-all for a vague dissatisfaction about how a guy acts. But the term sounds better than "I don't like it."

Interesting spectrum of answers across this thread ranging from being a complete jerk (i.e. no support for a death in the family), to not being interested in a commitment, to not being a conversationalist.

I once dated a man who was still obsessively upset about the fact that his ex had dumped him two years earlier after he had moved to another state to be with her. Like so upset that, one time when we drove past her on a local road, he began crying. I get that was upsetting, but he was not emotionally available to be in a new relationship. I eventually told him so and moved on. Should have done it earlier.

My mother, who has always been extremely beautiful, didn’t marry the richest, the most handsome, or the most successful man in our hometown (though she could have), she married my father, a sensitive man who made it clear every day how very much he loved her, and later, my sibling and myself. She was widowed when she was 60, and a dozen men have tried to take his place over the past decade. She’s not interested. Emotionally available is not the same as weak.

For whatever reason, the person cannot or will not get emotionally close to anyone (connect on a meaningful/committed level).

They will not fall in love, when they are emotionally unavailable.

it means you'll eagerly sleep with him in the hopes that it means you're the "one". it means that you'll regularly give it up for him, do things to make him happy, go the extra mile, etc. all for some degree of recognition/appreciation that you know, deep down, will never happen. it means that you overlook other men who will treat you well/better, in favor of the guy you think you can "fix".

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Anonymous wrote:Yeah, and if it were THE MAN whose mother had a stroke and had a friend in the hospital, you can bet his wife wouldn’t provide him with “emotional support”. She’d expect him to suck it up and deal. After all, he has responsibilities! Essentially, women want men to be “emotionally available” TO THEM but there won’t be any of it coming back his way. Women despise weak, emotional men, that’s just a fact.

I disagree. The women I know in such situations will drop everything to be there emotionally for their SO.

True.

Men think that women want them to suck it up and deal, but really we want to support you. Don’t push us away. My dad is a macho stoic and the result has been extreme high blood pressure. He has pushed away two wives and a long-term gf because he didn’t want to talk about his emotional pain with them or see a therapist.

Sure, you say this, and you might even believe it, but every man knows better. The instant he shows any weakness, he sees the contempt plainly written on her face.

NP. PP, I'm sorry that you've had bad experiences that have led you to this belief. I can tell you that, in my marriage to my one and only DH, I am never more happy than when he opens up to me emotionally about something hes going through. Especially if hes feeling really sad and low. Hes a wonderful person and I'm glad I can be there for him this way. I've been urging him to get a therapist to talk about some childhood issues with a real expert but hes veen reluctant. And we also let our sons cry when they are sad and talk about what's making them feel angry, disappointed, frustrated. Especially during this trying time.

I hope that, if you want, you can have a relationship with someone who doesn't shame you or dismiss you for showing your emotions.

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Anonymous wrote:I define it as a man who is unable to fully commit emotionally. Here’s an example. My friend and her DH married in June (not this year) and in July, two things happened, her mom had a stroke and end up in a nursing home at only 60 and my friend had an ectopic pregnancy rupture. The weekend following the rupture, while my friend was still reeling, her DH flew to Vegas for a spur of the moment guy’s weekend. He didn’t ask or anything. He just told her. My assumption is that he did not intend to be cruel, but just lacked the capacity to be present for his grieving wife.

Perfect example. It is not that he internationally made a cruel choice ..he had no understanding or appreciation that she needed his support. It can be explained at length and he will not be able to grasp it. Lack of capacity... exactly.

I think it's emotional laziness and selfishness. Much like the idea from yesteryear that men are constitutionally incapable of basic parenting tasks, like booking a pediatrician's appointment, dressing a child in the morning, or putting them down for a nap.

+1

This crap is taught. If a man has had a father figure that set this kind of negative checked out example, just run far and long. The mom put up with his sh*t, now he (the son) expects you to do the same. Nope.

+1000
They learn by example. Unfortunately, I wasn't around my FIL enough while DH and I were dating to get to see his true colors, or the family dynamic in which DH was raised. I grew up in a household with two very involved, active parents. DH's experience, and thus our marriage, is the exact opposite.

Gay

Anonymous wrote:aspergers traits possibly autism and / or other male deficiencies

+1
He’s telling you so that he no longer feels responsible for letting you down in the future. You have been warned, he thinks it is now your responsibility and problem. Check!

Anonymous wrote:He can’t open up emotionally, he’ll date, have sex, make love but will not be able to fall in love and commit.

No they can get married. But when something happens, they are all about themselves. They are all about themselves all the time basically.

Wife and kids are just for show.

Anonymous wrote:I came to understand that my dad is emotionally unavailable due to his alcoholism. He’s recovered but I think it takes everything he’s got. An example: the day I left for college, I expected to say goodbye to him, but he had went out without telling me.

My XH was supposed to spend the day before his incarceration with our DD who was then a young tween. Instead, he got high and got laid. He showed up for less than an hour once his more pressing needs were met.

It means the man is not being submissive enough. Women want to be the focus of everything at all times. A man need to put his needs second or really never have any needs. Who wants a man who needs emotional support or has strong feelings? It takes away from me.