Anonymous
Post 08/07/2020 10:02     Subject: Dating a single parent im
Anonymous wrote:Red flag for sure. In addition to the fact that they are very small, and he has limited time with them, and in addition to the covid concerns, I wonder why he doesn't just switch weeks.

If he had a decent relationship with his ex, he would just ask to swap weekend or days. The fact that he won't do that communication is a huge red flag for me.



It's possible he did ask, but mom didn't go for it, she has a life too no matter how amicable things might be, and may not be able to shift things at short notice to accommodate dad's dating schedule.


For me it's a good sign he has 50% physical custody.


I could understand shifting the schedule if you were going away for months at a time. You won't see each other for a couple of weeks. It's not fun, but it's hardly I must see you before you go! At least not to me. If he is otherwise an attentive father I wouldn't hold it fully against him.
Anonymous
Post 08/07/2020 09:39     Subject: Dating a single parent im
Red flag for sure. In addition to the fact that they are very small, and he has limited time with them, and in addition to the covid concerns, I wonder why he doesn't just switch weeks.

If he had a decent relationship with his ex, he would just ask to swap weekend or days. The fact that he won't do that communication is a huge red flag for me.
Anonymous
Post 08/07/2020 09:12     Subject: Dating a single parent im
I love it. People are always crying the kid's come first, when a childless person talks about dating a parent and that they have no right to ask for more time, and now all of a sudden it's eff them kids. I'm an ADULT!.
Anonymous
Post 08/07/2020 09:10     Subject: Dating a single parent im
As has been explained multiple times, no one said divorced parents can't date. It's just that he already has limited time with his kids, and he's seeking to limit that time even further when they're very, very young.


But the bigger red flag for me is that he sees no problem dating someone who travels for work , and exposing himself and his kids during COVID.
Anonymous
Post 08/07/2020 07:15     Subject: Dating a single parent im
Divorced parent here and I think what he’s doing is ok if it is one night a week during his custody week. I am sorry but divorced parents deserve a life. It is not a big deal. I routinely got a babysitter when I had 50/50 custody. Circumstances changed and now I’m the primary parent. Getting a babysitter didn’t mark me as an uncaring parent in court and my children are adjusted to the idea that sometimes mom has ADULT events to go to. .
Anonymous
Post 08/07/2020 07:09     Subject: Re:Dating a single parent im
Divorced parents are allowed to get babysitters!

He’s hiring one to see you before you leave town, and this concerns you?

You might not deserve him.
Anonymous
Post 08/07/2020 07:02     Subject: Dating a single parent im
He’s not picking you over his kids. He’s choosing you AND his kids. He’s hiring a babysitter, not sending them to their moms house.
Anonymous
Post 08/07/2020 06:36     Subject: Dating a single parent im
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think it's more nuanced than that. How old are the kids and how frequently is he doing this? Are they little kids that go to bed at 8 and he proposes a date at 8:30 so they would be sleeping anyways?


This.

I think it could be in some ways a good sign. It means if you get into a relationship you probably will get to see him more than you would if he refused to ever hire a babysitter.


+1. WTF. Are only married people allowed to hire babysitters?


Agreed. Why are there two standards
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2020 20:52     Subject: Dating a single parent im
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What is he proposing for dates? A 2 and 5 year old likely have an early bedtime. Hiring a sitter to come at 7pm is very different than hiring a sitter to come at noon.


Like an early dinner. So it's probably a few hours of babysitter time. The thing is I think he likes seeing me a few times a week so wans to move tbjngs up more in how often we see each other. Just feels odd he'd get a babysitter and pick me over his kids.


No, I think it’s ok. I would worry covid wise though. That would be my concern - is he being careful enough. But absent covid, I think it’s nice he will spend a few hours with you even on custody time. I have dated a couple guys who only saw me when they did not have custody (Fifty fifty) and frankly that just was not sustainable long term. It was lonely, once we were exclusive and I could t go on dates with other guys on the days he had custody. It sort of made me feel like, if he isn’t inviting me over or trying to blend me into his family or see me at least once a week during his custody week....why am I sitting around alone rather than seeing other guys?


*could not go on dates with other guys


OP here. This is a good way to think about it for me. I guess I don't want a 50% partner. I just want someone who's a good dad too.


You can see if he is a good dad in other ways.

I mean married people go on dates with each other and get babysitters, right?



It's not quite the same.


Why? The general wisdom is that people who are married with kids should prioritze their relationship and spend time together. But some people expect people who are divorced to not have a healthy relationship and instead sacrifice that to completely cater to their kids. It is healthy for kids to see their parents have healthy relationships and friendships. I think, once it is serious, if a guy with fifty fifty custody - say week on, week off - wants to get a sitter for a few hours once or twice during that custody week, that's fine. It does not mean he is a bad dad.



When parents are married, kids are seeing both of their parents daily. So missing a few hours here and there isn't a big deal.

If married parents didn't have custody of their kids 50% of the time and still hired sitters so they could go out, yea, that would be a problem.

If OP's bf had full custody, it would make sense to hire a sitter. But he doesn't, so he can date on the days kids are with mom.

Anonymous
Post 08/06/2020 20:40     Subject: Dating a single parent im
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What is he proposing for dates? A 2 and 5 year old likely have an early bedtime. Hiring a sitter to come at 7pm is very different than hiring a sitter to come at noon.


Like an early dinner. So it's probably a few hours of babysitter time. The thing is I think he likes seeing me a few times a week so wans to move tbjngs up more in how often we see each other. Just feels odd he'd get a babysitter and pick me over his kids.


No, I think it’s ok. I would worry covid wise though. That would be my concern - is he being careful enough. But absent covid, I think it’s nice he will spend a few hours with you even on custody time. I have dated a couple guys who only saw me when they did not have custody (Fifty fifty) and frankly that just was not sustainable long term. It was lonely, once we were exclusive and I could t go on dates with other guys on the days he had custody. It sort of made me feel like, if he isn’t inviting me over or trying to blend me into his family or see me at least once a week during his custody week....why am I sitting around alone rather than seeing other guys?


Yeah I'm curious about this too, especially since OP travels for work.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2020 20:38     Subject: Dating a single parent im
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What is he proposing for dates? A 2 and 5 year old likely have an early bedtime. Hiring a sitter to come at 7pm is very different than hiring a sitter to come at noon.


Like an early dinner. So it's probably a few hours of babysitter time. The thing is I think he likes seeing me a few times a week so wans to move tbjngs up more in how often we see each other. Just feels odd he'd get a babysitter and pick me over his kids.



So how many times do you see him now? How many times is he proposing you see him that would require the kids getting a babysitter?


More than a once or twice a month, I personally wouldn't be okay with. The kids already split time with him, if he wants to do a babysitter on a frequent basis that means they're missing even more time with him, possibly things like bathtime and story/cuddletime.


OP here. About twice weekly. I'm going to be out of town for a week so I think he's trying to see me.


ANd he won't see you for 3 weeks because you'll be quaranting after? Is this his concern?
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2020 20:37     Subject: Dating a single parent im
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What is he proposing for dates? A 2 and 5 year old likely have an early bedtime. Hiring a sitter to come at 7pm is very different than hiring a sitter to come at noon.


Like an early dinner. So it's probably a few hours of babysitter time. The thing is I think he likes seeing me a few times a week so wans to move tbjngs up more in how often we see each other. Just feels odd he'd get a babysitter and pick me over his kids.


No, I think it’s ok. I would worry covid wise though. That would be my concern - is he being careful enough. But absent covid, I think it’s nice he will spend a few hours with you even on custody time. I have dated a couple guys who only saw me when they did not have custody (Fifty fifty) and frankly that just was not sustainable long term. It was lonely, once we were exclusive and I could t go on dates with other guys on the days he had custody. It sort of made me feel like, if he isn’t inviting me over or trying to blend me into his family or see me at least once a week during his custody week....why am I sitting around alone rather than seeing other guys?


*could not go on dates with other guys


OP here. This is a good way to think about it for me. I guess I don't want a 50% partner. I just want someone who's a good dad too.


You can see if he is a good dad in other ways.

I mean married people go on dates with each other and get babysitters, right?



It's not quite the same.


Why? The general wisdom is that people who are married with kids should prioritze their relationship and spend time together. But some people expect people who are divorced to not have a healthy relationship and instead sacrifice that to completely cater to their kids. It is healthy for kids to see their parents have healthy relationships and friendships. I think, once it is serious, if a guy with fifty fifty custody - say week on, week off - wants to get a sitter for a few hours once or twice during that custody week, that's fine. It does not mean he is a bad dad.


I disagree. The kids are very young, and already have very limited time with dad. If he was with them fulltime as either a single dad or married I'd feel differently.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2020 20:34     Subject: Dating a single parent im
Anonymous wrote:His kids are too little to be missing a lot of time with their dad, especially given he splits custody. If it was a rare occurrence for a special occasion like a birthday or anniversary that’s fine, but he shouldn’t routinely be ditching his kids to spend time with you. That’s a red flag. I say this as a single mom of 1 - I love my boyfriend to death (not my child’s father) but I ALWAYS prioritize seeing my kid over spending time with him since I have split custody with my ex as well. If your boyfriend were the full time parent I would say it’s not a big deal, but his time with his kids is already limited.



100% agree.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2020 19:45     Subject: Dating a single parent im
His kids are too little to be missing a lot of time with their dad, especially given he splits custody. If it was a rare occurrence for a special occasion like a birthday or anniversary that’s fine, but he shouldn’t routinely be ditching his kids to spend time with you. That’s a red flag. I say this as a single mom of 1 - I love my boyfriend to death (not my child’s father) but I ALWAYS prioritize seeing my kid over spending time with him since I have split custody with my ex as well. If your boyfriend were the full time parent I would say it’s not a big deal, but his time with his kids is already limited.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2020 19:39     Subject: Dating a single parent im
Kids are too young, routine really matters a lot and 50/50 is tough. He should be focusing 100% on them during her time.