I don’t look like either of my biological parents. No one ever told me that I look “just like” anyone on either side of the family. My brother also doesn’t strongly resemble either parent. I grew up thinking that it was weird when people do look just like one of their parents! I’m unaware of anyone being bothered by our lack of resemblance.

Dh and I needed to use IVF to conceive and we had twins. Dh asked (jokingly) how we know for sure they’re ours since we didn’t conceive the old fashioned way - because one of our twins is his mini me and the other is my mini me. “Dh” and I are now divorcing, but I love that one of our kids looks like him. DC has striking features and is very physically attractive. I don’t love the child who looks like me any more than I love the one who doesn’t.

My kids are older. I feel like the older your kids are, the more you see them as distinct individuals, and you think much less about resemblance.

I will say I'd want my kid to look like me, or at least someone in recent family history. It's really not that strange of a desire.

As for mixed race kids, this has been an issue for my sister is black her children are black/white, but are very fair and people usually just assume they're are white. PEople have assumed my sister is the nanny is trying to steal her kids, and was lying about them being hers which is really a trip because skin tone aside they look exactly like her. I have wondered if white moms of children of color have the same experience or is white the "default mom" setting so people just assume it's okay.

Back to the subject, yes I'd prefer my kid looked like me if I cared them for 9 months, or enough like me so that people don't accuse me of stealing my own child.

My cousin and his wife adopted brothers in infancy. So the fact that the children are biologically related does not mean that they are the couple's biological children, OP.

Anonymous wrote:My kids are mixed race and while DD1 is very obviously my bio kid DD2 looks like my adopted daughter. she looks like 100% DH’s race/ethnicity and there’s not a single trace of me at all. It’s very common to get asked “oh is she yours?” if I’m out with her by myself. Truly if I hadn’t given birth to her I’d wonder how we could possibly be related.

If I’m honest with myself though, she is definitely my “favorite”. I love her so much. I can’t imagine not bonding with your own child because of their skin color phenotype or whatever.

Umm, you are related to your daughter because she is your daughter, no matter the looks.


--Mom of 2 adopted daughters who look nothing like me and I know we are related because we are mommy and daughters.

Geez.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend of a friend has an interracial kid who looks nothing like her. She is pretty open that she struggles with the fact that she does not see herself in her kid.

LOL who could have foreseen that problem...

I dunno, a lot of biracial kids still have features of both parents. I mean look at Obama, he looks a ton like his maternal grandfather (and his mother looks a ton like her father too):







[img]
https://cdn.cnn.com/cnnnext/dam/assets/150507220707-mothers-day--barack-obama-and-ann-dunham-super-169.jpg[/img]

Sometimes I wonder if people's eyes just aren't trained to pick up the similarities in features or something.

Both of my kids look just like my husband. But both clearly manifest aspects of my personality (and not necessarily good ones), not his. He's constantly saying of the one (very stubborn, easily frustrated) kid "I can't believe you were like this ... really? really?" and of the other (very imaginative kid) "we never played like this ..."

What's funny is that they both look like mini versions of DH now, but nothing like he did as a child. So when they're grown they may look quite different.

My kids are mixed race and while DD1 is very obviously my bio kid DD2 looks like my adopted daughter. she looks like 100% DH’s race/ethnicity and there’s not a single trace of me at all. It’s very common to get asked “oh is she yours?” if I’m out with her by myself. Truly if I hadn’t given birth to her I’d wonder how we could possibly be related.

If I’m honest with myself though, she is definitely my “favorite”. I love her so much. I can’t imagine not bonding with your own child because of their skin color phenotype or whatever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know that it would bother my husband a great deal if our son didn’t look like him but, fortunately(?), that’s not an issue. Our son’s personality is all me and I’m not so sure my husband likes that, either. Too bad, so sad for him.

You sound... nice.

PP: because I don’t feel bad for my husband that our child isn’t a carbon copy of him in both looks and personality?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone noticed how funny genes are - in that the kid who looks like you (or spouse) tends to act more like you (or spouse?

it's the opposite in my family. kid who looks like DH and family acts like me and vice versa.

This may sound really stupid but children don’t get the same percentage of DNA from grandparents. So you might be 80% grandma milky and 20# grandma Joan it’s not 50-50.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:honestly I think about this sometimes - especially with regard to mixed race couples. It must be so satisfying to have a kid that looks so much like you or shares your traits so completely. I'm a woman so obviously I know my kids are mine (and my husband's) but I see the point you're making.

my kids also look a TON like each other and less like me and DH.

As someone who has this, I can say that it really is not.

Very weird comment. Whose kids would they be? The neighbor's?

-- Mom of 3 internationally adopted kids and we know our kids are mine and my husband's

My niece is mixed race. Her mom (my sis) and I are white and sis married to a black man. The niece has looked like me from the time she was born. She started to look a little bit like her mom and dad -- just a tad -- at about age 20. She is now 23 and looks like me again.

genes are fun!

PS -- everyone thinks my adopted daughter looks just like me. Ha! I mean, she is half white and half Latino.

My elementary aged kids look nothing like us, though there is some family resemblance to extended relatives in one. They are NOTHING like us in personality or temperament. Both are their own little people and quite different from each other. No issues bonding with us and they are best friends too.

Anonymous wrote:Our donor egg baby looks exactly like my husband and nothing like me. I love this child with all my heart and it hasn't stopped me bonding.

I have one DE kid and one OE kid and struggle a bit with the physical aspect. DE kid looks like my husband and I can see the donor in his features. One thing that makes me feel better is that I have seen enough of these threads where the kids don’t look like the parents.

Anonymous wrote:I know that it would bother my husband a great deal if our son didn’t look like him but, fortunately(?), that’s not an issue. Our son’s personality is all me and I’m not so sure my husband likes that, either. Too bad, so sad for him.

You sound... nice.

Anonymous wrote:honestly I think about this sometimes - especially with regard to mixed race couples. It must be so satisfying to have a kid that looks so much like you or shares your traits so completely. I'm a woman so obviously I know my kids are mine (and my husband's) but I see the point you're making.

my kids also look a TON like each other and less like me and DH.

I have never, ever heard or encountered this. I have never, until I read your post, thought such thoughts. Satisfying? Perhaps to small minded, insecure, insane people.