Anonymous
07/20/2020 15:10
Subject: My sister feels ugly next to me
Anonymous wrote:Thanks, that was a helpful response. I learned something from it. Hope that you can transcend these fears some day - or at least be kinder to yourself.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Are you able to articulate why you want to keep it private? Would you be embarrassed if it were public? Why? If you would be embarrassed, maybe you want to think about whether it's worth it to go public and endure the embarrassment so you no longer have to expend energy hiding it.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You have to tell her. Make her swear to keep it a secret.
I would tell her if I thought she could keep it a secret but I know she wouldn’t be able to. She’s very much a millennial and not mature enough yet.
Why do you have to keep it a secret?
It's not something I want the world to know. It's private.
NP here- I understand what you are saying here, PP but I would add that what is embarrassing to some people is not having surgery to fix something that could look better, what's hard for people who have insecurities sometimes is the idea that OTHER people know they are insecure. Its often why the girl who isn't as pretty or is a little chubby seems through the roof amazing and confident- probably most often its real but for people like me, it was fake. The only thing worse in my mind than others feeling sorry for me about how I looked was others feeling sorry for me for feeling insecure about myself- the idea of people knowing I had insecurities (have) is paralyzing, it feels violating almost. The insecurity is the secret sometimes that grows into a bigger deal than it really is. Bigger than "i don't like my nose, it looks ugly, I want to change it"
I'm working on it! They say it gets better in your 40s right? PS- I am still in the camp of OP should tell her sister, its her sister and that is stronger to me than those fears for sure. But I can see why some want it to be a secret from others
Anonymous
07/20/2020 12:54
Subject: Re:My sister feels ugly next to me
From my father I inherited a turkey neck and big fat bags under my eyes (otherwise he was very handsome!) so I had them taken care of and I'm so happy I did. Some of my friends noticed it and asked me about in in round about ways and I had no problem telling them what I had done and how much better it made me feel. It was none of the Joan Rivers stretched skin stuff, just a very nice refresh. Some of my friends then did some tweeks of their own. I don't advertise what I did but I'm certainly not embarrassed by it. My husband didn't care either way but after it was done he was happy that I was vey happy.
Anonymous
07/20/2020 10:26
Subject: My sister feels ugly next to me
Anonymous wrote:You don't have to tell her about her plastic surgery. You DO have to tell her that there will ALWAYS be someone prettier than she is, and uglier than she is. There'll always be someone richer and someone more poor, someone smarter and someone dumber. And she needs to work on her own self esteem to: value herself more than just how she looks, and to stop comparing herself to others.
+1 EXACTLY
Anonymous
07/20/2020 09:57
Subject: My sister feels ugly next to me
Just thought it might help OP's stress if she examined her reasons and found them not to be as compelling as they once were. And until she shares them, we don't know whether we would think they're legit or not. But, yes, it is her prerogative not to tell anyone about this or why she did it.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Are you able to articulate why you want to keep it private? Would you be embarrassed if it were public? Why? If you would be embarrassed, maybe you want to think about whether it's worth it to go public and endure the embarrassment so you no longer have to expend energy hiding it.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You have to tell her. Make her swear to keep it a secret.
I would tell her if I thought she could keep it a secret but I know she wouldn’t be able to. She’s very much a millennial and not mature enough yet.
Why do you have to keep it a secret?
It's not something I want the world to know. It's private.
I find it so curious that people are trying to therapy the OP who was in fact quite clear and firm that she does not want to discuss her plastic surgery. You aren't really asking her to articular her reasons, you're trying to argue her out of it, and she didn't ask that question at all. The question you ought to be asking of the OP's sister is "are you able to articulate why you need to be as attractive as your sister? Why do you labor under the perception of equality that doesn't exist, anywhere?"
Anonymous
07/20/2020 09:54
Subject: My sister feels ugly next to me
Thanks, that was a helpful response. I learned something from it. Hope that you can transcend these fears some day - or at least be kinder to yourself.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Are you able to articulate why you want to keep it private? Would you be embarrassed if it were public? Why? If you would be embarrassed, maybe you want to think about whether it's worth it to go public and endure the embarrassment so you no longer have to expend energy hiding it.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You have to tell her. Make her swear to keep it a secret.
I would tell her if I thought she could keep it a secret but I know she wouldn’t be able to. She’s very much a millennial and not mature enough yet.
Why do you have to keep it a secret?
It's not something I want the world to know. It's private.
NP here- I understand what you are saying here, PP but I would add that what is embarrassing to some people is not having surgery to fix something that could look better, what's hard for people who have insecurities sometimes is the idea that OTHER people know they are insecure. Its often why the girl who isn't as pretty or is a little chubby seems through the roof amazing and confident- probably most often its real but for people like me, it was fake. The only thing worse in my mind than others feeling sorry for me about how I looked was others feeling sorry for me for feeling insecure about myself- the idea of people knowing I had insecurities (have) is paralyzing, it feels violating almost. The insecurity is the secret sometimes that grows into a bigger deal than it really is. Bigger than "i don't like my nose, it looks ugly, I want to change it"
Anonymous
07/20/2020 09:38
Subject: My sister feels ugly next to me
Anonymous wrote:Why does this need to be a secret?Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You have to tell her. Make her swear to keep it a secret.
I would tell her if I thought she could keep it a secret but I know she wouldn’t be able to. She’s very much a millennial and not mature enough yet.
OP decided she doesn't wish to discuss it, that's why.
Anonymous
07/20/2020 09:37
Subject: My sister feels ugly next to me
Anonymous wrote:Are you able to articulate why you want to keep it private? Would you be embarrassed if it were public? Why? If you would be embarrassed, maybe you want to think about whether it's worth it to go public and endure the embarrassment so you no longer have to expend energy hiding it.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You have to tell her. Make her swear to keep it a secret.
I would tell her if I thought she could keep it a secret but I know she wouldn’t be able to. She’s very much a millennial and not mature enough yet.
Why do you have to keep it a secret?
It's not something I want the world to know. It's private.
I find it so curious that people are trying to therapy the OP who was in fact quite clear and firm that she does not want to discuss her plastic surgery. You aren't really asking her to articular her reasons, you're trying to argue her out of it, and she didn't ask that question at all. The question you ought to be asking of the OP's sister is "are you able to articulate why you need to be as attractive as your sister? Why do you labor under the perception of equality that doesn't exist, anywhere?"
Anonymous
07/20/2020 08:52
Subject: My sister feels ugly next to me
Anonymous wrote:Are you able to articulate why you want to keep it private? Would you be embarrassed if it were public? Why? If you would be embarrassed, maybe you want to think about whether it's worth it to go public and endure the embarrassment so you no longer have to expend energy hiding it.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You have to tell her. Make her swear to keep it a secret.
I would tell her if I thought she could keep it a secret but I know she wouldn’t be able to. She’s very much a millennial and not mature enough yet.
Why do you have to keep it a secret?
It's not something I want the world to know. It's private.
NP here- I understand what you are saying here, PP but I would add that what is embarrassing to some people is not having surgery to fix something that could look better, what's hard for people who have insecurities sometimes is the idea that OTHER people know they are insecure. Its often why the girl who isn't as pretty or is a little chubby seems through the roof amazing and confident- probably most often its real but for people like me, it was fake. The only thing worse in my mind than others feeling sorry for me about how I looked was others feeling sorry for me for feeling insecure about myself- the idea of people knowing I had insecurities (have) is paralyzing, it feels violating almost. The insecurity is the secret sometimes that grows into a bigger deal than it really is. Bigger than "i don't like my nose, it looks ugly, I want to change it"
Anonymous
07/20/2020 08:30
Subject: My sister feels ugly next to me
Okay, I'm in the "Tell her and tell the world" camp because I think it doesn't really help OP or the rest of the world to pretend her beauty came about naturally. BUT the reality is that the sister has to do some work on herself to appreciate herself for who she is and to stop comparing herself to other people. OP can't help her with that.
Also, I was the less attractive sister when I was young. Both my brother and sister were a lot hotter than I was. But I am in my 60s now and I feel fantastic. Got a great life and feel really healthy and I'm not going through the loss I read about on DCUM where beautiful women mourn the lack of attention they receive from other people when they age. Never had it. Don't miss it. Oh, and I'll be out working out with my friends and dh in the meantime and enjoying my life.
So, OP, I think you should be honest about your plastic surgery. But that's for you. Your sister needs to work on herself and learn to love herself. You can't do that for her.
Also, I was the less attractive sister when I was young. Both my brother and sister were a lot hotter than I was. But I am in my 60s now and I feel fantastic. Got a great life and feel really healthy and I'm not going through the loss I read about on DCUM where beautiful women mourn the lack of attention they receive from other people when they age. Never had it. Don't miss it. Oh, and I'll be out working out with my friends and dh in the meantime and enjoying my life.
So, OP, I think you should be honest about your plastic surgery. But that's for you. Your sister needs to work on herself and learn to love herself. You can't do that for her.
Anonymous
07/20/2020 08:25
Subject: My sister feels ugly next to me
Are you able to articulate why you want to keep it private? Would you be embarrassed if it were public? Why? If you would be embarrassed, maybe you want to think about whether it's worth it to go public and endure the embarrassment so you no longer have to expend energy hiding it.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You have to tell her. Make her swear to keep it a secret.
I would tell her if I thought she could keep it a secret but I know she wouldn’t be able to. She’s very much a millennial and not mature enough yet.
Why do you have to keep it a secret?
It's not something I want the world to know. It's private.
Anonymous
07/20/2020 08:22
Subject: My sister feels ugly next to me
Why does this need to be a secret?Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You have to tell her. Make her swear to keep it a secret.
I would tell her if I thought she could keep it a secret but I know she wouldn’t be able to. She’s very much a millennial and not mature enough yet.
Anonymous
07/20/2020 08:12
Subject: My sister feels ugly next to me
Anonymous wrote:I would tell her that you’ve had work done. You don’t need to be specific, but it would helpful for her to know that you were just cute once too. Then she wouldn’t feel like she didn’t get the good genes, and if she is considering surgery, she may feel more comfortable knowing you did it too.
But what if she didn't get good genes? What do you think average siblings of extraordinarily smart people should do? Kill themselves? I mean you know famous supermodels have regular-people siblings, right? Lord knows how they find enough strength to wake up in the morning!
Anonymous
07/19/2020 23:25
Subject: My sister feels ugly next to me
I would tell her that you’ve had work done. You don’t need to be specific, but it would helpful for her to know that you were just cute once too. Then she wouldn’t feel like she didn’t get the good genes, and if she is considering surgery, she may feel more comfortable knowing you did it too.
Anonymous
07/19/2020 21:59
Subject: My sister feels ugly next to me
Anonymous wrote:I have a sister who is 8 years younger than me. She is cute but often compares herself to the way I look and wonders why she doesn’t look as conventionally beautiful. Thing is, she doesn’t know that I had work done on my face (she was young when I got it done and parents are dead so no one there to tell her how different I look). I’ve been deflecting and telling her she is gorgeous and will grow into her looks like I did, but I wonder if this is unfair to her. I really don’t want to tell her about the work done though because she is not good at keeping a secret. But I also care a lot about her and don’t want her to think of herself as the less attractive sister. How should I deal with this?
OP, here's the thing. Despite fervently wishing to be beautiful, most people have a pretty accurate assessment on where they fall on the beauty scale. No we aren't "all beautiful". No we won't all grow into our looks. If someone tells us we're gorgeous, and we're really not, we know it. And we also know where we stand in the relation to others around us. And you know what? We have to mentally maneuver ourselves into a spot where this is all OK. Meaning we are OK with our level of attractiveness, whatever it is.
The thing is, if she's a less attractive sister, then she is. So what? Do people not deserve to live if they are less attractive than you? Tell your sister to go to the courthouse one day and watch people ten times uglier get marriage licenses by the fistful. We can have a fulfilling life even if we're less attractive than our siblings.
Now if you want to gently guide her to what you think works for her face and body, you should. If you want to gently mention plastic surgery as one of the tools she has to get better looking, you can. But you absolutely do not owe her any information about what you've done to your face.
Here's how to deal with it: when she starts whining again, tell her sternly that you're tired of that crap, and that people ten times uglier than her have happier lives than her because they are not such damn whiners. Don't tell her she's gorgeous or grow to her looks or deflect, tell her she knows what she looks like, and you won't discuss that any more, unless she asks for specific styling or haircut advice. Enough with the indulgence. Enough with feeding the millennial insistence that they are all so special and gorgeous and unique. Because guess what? People are more similar than they are unique, most people are average in looks, and that all in no way stands in the way of personal fulfillment or happiness.
Anonymous
07/19/2020 21:14
Subject: My sister feels ugly next to me
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Tell her. What’s wrong with you?
Exactly!
What in the f#ck is wrong with you, OP??
It seems that your ego is more important to you than your sister's mental health, confidence and self esteem is.
Omf, what is wrong with you, OP??
JUST TELL HER!
Who. Cares. If. She. Tells. Anyone.???
If you're over the age of 30, you really shouldn't give a sh!t about what other people think & you definitely shouldn't care about who knows, period.
The fact of the matter is, plastic surgery made you feel better about yourself, it raised your self esteem and gave you greater confidence, and guess what? There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with it and there's no shame in it.
Whatever makes you feel better about yourself is totslly fine by me... and you know what? It's totally fine with the millions of other people that understand this too!
It's extremly immature and irrational of you to STILL worry about who knows about this and who doesn't.
We're in the middle of a pandemic here, don't you have bigger sh!t to worry about than who's "potentially" judging you?
Why would you waste even a millisecond of your life worrying about something as inconsequential as who knows you've had plastic surgery done??
I guarantee you that nobody will care what you've had done (with the one exception to that being your sister, of course) because worrying about such silly nonsense is extremly immature & shallow.
Personally, I feel the greater offense is that you've been lying to her all these years
You've repeatedly told her not to worry, because she too will grow into her looks... just like you did.
The problem with that sentiment is that it's a LIE.
You've repeatedly fed her this delusion & continued to fill her head with lies, knowing all along that there's was absolutely a ZERO chance in hell that this could happen to her, because it never even happened to you!
Why would you set her up for such a big disappointment?
Why would you keep a lie going for so long?
Is your ego so fragile that you'd resort to lying, (therefore risking her self esteem & self confidence in the process) just so you wouldn't have to fess up that you're not the natural beauty she thinks you are?
Sounds a bit narcissistic.
Stop making this about you OP, it's about your sister!
I know this will be difficult, but maybe try thinking about what's best for her for a change and not what's best for you... tell her the TRUTH.
Just apologize profusely for being dishonest with her for so long, and then...
offer to pay for those same procedures that you had for her! You owe it to her.
I imagine that she won't be upset with you for lying, IF she knows that she'll end up looking like you AND that you're paying for it, as well.
Holy post, Batman. You seem strangely invested in this.
My thoughts exactly. Not someone I would take advice from.