Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One night drunken affairs .....I have seen recovery from those but not ones over several years (make sure you get the emails/texts so you understand the level of emotional connection or deceit involved). If it truly was just a hookup once a month and no other connection beyond setting the time and place then you should be encouraged.

How are you supposed to do this when they wipe their electronic footprint clean? - not OP

If they want to reconcile he needs to disclose - there are data recovery programs for texts and they also may still be in the cloud. His email provider may also be able to restore them if he contacts them. However, if he is deleting it all I would assume the worst.

why would you want to torture yourself by reading every single note they sent to each other? If he admitted they had sex, I'm sure there were things that if you read will be super painful. Isn't the point to move forward?

To know the full extent of how deceived you can be. It helps some people heal.

Anonymous wrote:Do you hear yourselves? Polygraphs? GPS on cars? Y’all must be crazy probably why he cheated. SMH

So you're protecting a narcissist who is selfish dishonest and a pathological liar?

Sometimes it's just sex. watching the BBC documentaries on planet Earth, seeing how the entire animal planet males risk life and limb to mate. Isn't that surprising that men can follow this instinct, perhaps losing perspective ones over the course of a long life?

people were not made to be monogamous, that does not forgive people who make a monogamous commitment, of course they should keep it, but it's not always some massive character flaw or deep problematic issue when someone screws up once over and otherwise successful marriage.

Sorry - I don't believe lock down is the way to keep a cheating spouse. Unless trust is restored - and that includes trusting that they truly love you and are remorseful - this will never work because of oversight and punishment Healing will take time. You must understand that you love each other for real - so that may mean a break and time apart. Or, just living separate lives for a bit under the same roof. My dad had an affair in his 40s for multiple years. I was the youngest of 4 kids. My mom was devastated and went back to work a night shift at the hospital when I was a baby and he had to stick around and care for me and the other kids. He worked 9-5, she worked 4-12 - I never saw them together except on the weekends until I was in middle school - to tell you the truth, this was probably a brilliant plan. Eventually they fell back in love. I never even knew about the affair or their troubles until I was in my 40s and I was shocked. I thought they had always been the perfect couple. The older kids never told me about it because I was so close with my dad and he basically raised me. In retirement they were so close and there was so much love. They were a true love story. Married 67 years - he died at 94 and she died this year at 93 and couldn't wait to join him.

Do you hear yourselves? Polygraphs? GPS on cars? Y’all must be crazy probably why he cheated. SMH

Anonymous wrote:Once again we witness the emotional absurdity of Americans. Your spouse had an affair. They feel remorse. They chose to have children with you. They chose to share finances with you. They chose a home with you.

How addicted are Americans to the Disney fairytales that you believe one person can satisfy your every need in a marriage? Sometimes sex is just..sex. Obviously there is so emotion involved. Most people aren’t emotionless psychos.

Move on.

Honesty is a Disney fairytale? Okay then.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he come fully clean. Given you a timeline, full access to emails, texts, call logs? Sat for a polygraph?

My ex did this except the polygraph. He still cheated again.

That’s my fear.

Did he ever do heavy duty individual counseling?

The polygraph helps you figure out if there other affairs he did not mention or get caught and whether he cheated on anyone else in the past.

+1

They will only admit tiny amounts. You need the big picture. Many are repeat offenders.

Not to mention they have downplayed the affair. Said things like “I didn’t even really like her” or no emotional attachment when it turns out he has told her that he loved her, that he’d leave his wife, that they didn’t use protection when he claimed they did, etc

Anonymous wrote:I know two.

One, a doctor who cheated on his wife with patients and sexually assaulted some patients as well. Settled out of court all public knowledge, wife stayed. They moved to another state and settled in. Married over 35 years. I will never understand why she stayed.

Two, husband caught in a sex sting minors, trial, claimed he was innocent found guilty. Jail and probation. Wife still claiming he didn't do it. Whole family rallied around DH, wife still married, 34 years.

Blows me away both cases financially wives would have been fine to leave.

I don't see how they stayed except that both women loved the money and lifestyle.

Big ticket item.

#1- if he/she says they want to reconcile, they will put a big ticket item in your name only ASAP. My spouse put many of his business accounts and a joint property (2nd home) in my name. Also, willing to sign a post-nup.

#2- Sorry no overnight trips, no nights out with just the boys or girls indefinitely. Access to all email, phone, VAR in car, GPS on car. They list the right to any semblance of privacy indefinitely.

#3 - heavy duty individual counseling —/continued indefinitely. My spouse will have it for the rest of his life.

#4- more investment in the family

If cheater balks at anything and isn’t 100% into any of that...take him/her to the mattresses. Bleed those mother f@ckers dry.

I know two.

One, a doctor who cheated on his wife with patients and sexually assaulted some patients as well. Settled out of court all public knowledge, wife stayed. They moved to another state and settled in. Married over 35 years. I will never understand why she stayed.

Two, husband caught in a sex sting minors, trial, claimed he was innocent found guilty. Jail and probation. Wife still claiming he didn't do it. Whole family rallied around DH, wife still married, 34 years.

Blows me away both cases financially wives would have been fine to leave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he come fully clean. Given you a timeline, full access to emails, texts, call logs? Sat for a polygraph?

My ex did this except the polygraph. He still cheated again.

That’s my fear.

Did he ever do heavy duty individual counseling?

No. Tell him to admit his cheating to his family and friends and those close to him and listen to him tell them how remorseful he is. He'll be humiliated into thinking twice of doing it again.

Yep. Already did that. And he put himself in very heavy duty counseling to address childhood trauma. 2 therapists and a group session. Having to face his mother, aunt and cousin that is like a brother to both of us was sobering for him.

I really believe in exposure. They thrive on their secrets. They justify and compartmentalizations (male and female cheaters). They believe they aren’t hurting anyone because they are arrogant enough to believe they will never get caught. They have no idea the psychological damage they inflict on their spouses and children. A-holes

Exactly. They thrive on secrets and are selfish narcissists. Did he cheat again after exposure?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he come fully clean. Given you a timeline, full access to emails, texts, call logs? Sat for a polygraph?

My ex did this except the polygraph. He still cheated again.

That’s my fear.

Did he ever do heavy duty individual counseling?

The polygraph helps you figure out if there other affairs he did not mention or get caught and whether he cheated on anyone else in the past.

+1

They will only admit tiny amounts. You need the big picture. Many are repeat offenders.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he come fully clean. Given you a timeline, full access to emails, texts, call logs? Sat for a polygraph?

My ex did this except the polygraph. He still cheated again.

That’s my fear.

Did he ever do heavy duty individual counseling?

No. Tell him to admit his cheating to his family and friends and those close to him and listen to him tell them how remorseful he is. He'll be humiliated into thinking twice of doing it again.

Yep. Already did that. And he put himself in very heavy duty counseling to address childhood trauma. 2 therapists and a group session. Having to face his mother, aunt and cousin that is like a brother to both of us was sobering for him.

I really believe in exposure. They thrive on their secrets. They justify and compartmentalizations (male and female cheaters). They believe they aren’t hurting anyone because they are arrogant enough to believe they will never get caught. They have no idea the psychological damage they inflict on their spouses and children. A-holes

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he come fully clean. Given you a timeline, full access to emails, texts, call logs? Sat for a polygraph?

My ex did this except the polygraph. He still cheated again.

That’s my fear.

Did he ever do heavy duty individual counseling?

The polygraph helps you figure out if there other affairs he did not mention or get caught and whether he cheated on anyone else in the past.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he come fully clean. Given you a timeline, full access to emails, texts, call logs? Sat for a polygraph?

My ex did this except the polygraph. He still cheated again.

That’s my fear.

Did he ever do heavy duty individual counseling?

No. Tell him to admit his cheating to his family and friends and those close to him and listen to him tell them how remorseful he is. He'll be humiliated into thinking twice of doing it again.