Anonymous wrote:My mom was like that and we have a very complicated relationship now. I have few fond memories from childhood even though there was no abuse or anything. As an adult, I always feel like I am doing something wrong. I over analyze everything and am hyper critical of myself. Which makes sense, since I grew up with someone tellling me how to be better every second of my life. You have to create good memories with your kids.

My parenting philosophy: I strive for 90% positive or neutral statements with them (eg, talking about a sports game or show) and 10% negative. I also think about whether this particular nit will matter in 10 years. If it will, I say something. Otherwise, I let it go. I am also consistent in the things that matter, so I eventually don’t have to tell them. I have certain parts of the house I don’t care about and others I do. I don’t set them up to fail by creating a completely child unfriendly environment. And you will create food issues if you don’t ever let them have junk food.

I sense smugness in your post. You’ll have to decide if your style is worth creating unhappy children who also honestly will dread spending time with you as an adult. It’s not worth it to me. I want to have lifelong relationships with my childhood, and I don’t think I’m raising less perfect children with this approach.

Anonymous wrote:OP Here. I know parents of 4 who will use tylenol PM to put their fussy child to sleep on tough nights. One classmate of my daughters already has several capped teeth. She's constantly sucking on lollipops when we see her at the park. Another child gets a ham sandwich for lunch every day, despite telling her mom she's committed to vegetarianism. She confessed to me that she likes coming to my home for playdates because I don't force her to eat meat. (My kids are vegetarian by choice; DH & I are not. Yet, accommodate everyone's dietary preferences.)

I'm sure all the parents above think they're doing a great job. I happen to be very hyper-critical and self aware. The world is full of clueless people who think they're doing an awesome job.

The world isn't so black and white. I'd love to hear more nuanced answers from people who understand the benefits (and downsides) of being conscientious and, yes, perfectionist.

Anonymous wrote:
This is not something you want to hear, but only meds helped me. I tried everything else. It was only after meds that I realized how disordered and uptight my thinking was, how I was constantly clenched and on edge and how wonderful it is for both myself and my child for me NOT to feel that way. I felt sleepy and in a fog for the first 2 weeks, but once that lifted I instantly became a better, more patient, more engaged parent. There are mild side effects but they are worth it and I would tolerate a lot more for the sake of my child.

Anonymous wrote:My kids eat all organic, home-made food. Our home is professionally designed and always immaculate. They get organic, mineral-based sunscreen that takes forever to rub in because the spray is chemical based. The kids each have after school activities that perfectly match their personalities.One gets therapy every week for her anxiety--a three-hour commitment with travel because the very best child psych is in the city.

For all this, I am constantly on edge. Why are you touching the millwork with greasy hands? Don't you know how hard someone worked to make that? No, I can't watch that movie with you because I'm making homemade hummus because store bought version uses safflower oil, instead of the better-for-you olive oil. Etc, etc.

I would love to have another child, but I can't imagine finding the time. I used to have a nanny and cleaning service, but they just couldn't live up to my standards.

Yes I've seen a shrink. It helped somewhat. She said really, I need meds and that talk can only do so much for a case like mine. I don't want meds. I worry about the side effects. Remember when they thought HRT was benign? But dear god, I am so wound up. I am sorry my kids are constantly being nitpicked and corrected. I envy those parents that blithely dole out cereal bars every morning. Or who let their kids watch youtube, without worrying about commerical influences.

I know I'm practically inviting myself to get flamed, but I don't care about what those parents think. I'd appreciate hearing from people like myself who are inflexible and perfectionist and how/if they overcame that part of themselves. Or did you just get better after your kids were older. (I've always been somewhat neurotic which was helpful in my career, but it really ramped up after kids.) Perhaps parenting is not for people like us?

Anonymous wrote:I think your child knows that you love her perfectly, and that is what matters most. She is becoming the child she is supposed to be, thanks to you. If you have other children the fact that some things are genetic will be easier to see. I have 3 kids and one is naturally a perfectionist, another is more easy-going, and the last one is insanely extroverted. I used to go out of my mind trying to get the oldest to focus on details more ("Did you leave the light in your room on AGAIN?") until it hit me that certain things do not register for her. Your daughter does not have an average mother. I hope you will not think of her as average or less. She will surprise you, I promise.

Anonymous wrote:One thing you might consider is that constant stress is toxic to your kids as well -not a lot of research/evidence on harms of non-organic food or chemical sunscreen, but there is a lot on the impacts of constant stress.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids eat all organic, home-made food. Our home is professionally designed and always immaculate. They get organic, mineral-based sunscreen that takes forever to rub in because the spray is chemical based. The kids each have after school activities that perfectly match their personalities.One gets therapy every week for her anxiety--a three-hour commitment with travel because the very best child psych is in the city.

For all this, I am constantly on edge. Why are you touching the millwork with greasy hands? Don't you know how hard someone worked to make that? No, I can't watch that movie with you because I'm making homemade hummus because store bought version uses safflower oil, instead of the better-for-you olive oil. Etc, etc.

I would love to have another child, but I can't imagine finding the time. I used to have a nanny and cleaning service, but they just couldn't live up to my standards.

Yes I've seen a shrink. It helped somewhat. She said really, I need meds and that talk can only do so much for a case like mine. I don't want meds. I worry about the side effects. Remember when they thought HRT was benign? But dear god, I am so wound up. I am sorry my kids are constantly being nitpicked and corrected. I envy those parents that blithely dole out cereal bars every morning. Or who let their kids watch youtube, without worrying about commerical influences.

I know I'm practically inviting myself to get flamed, but I don't care about what those parents think. I'd appreciate hearing from people like myself who are inflexible and perfectionist and how/if they overcame that part of themselves. Or did you just get better after your kids were older. (I've always been somewhat neurotic which was helpful in my career, but it really ramped up after kids.) Perhaps parenting is not for people like us?

This is not something you want to hear, but only meds helped me. I tried everything else. It was only after meds that I realized how disordered and uptight my thinking was, how I was constantly clenched and on edge and how wonderful it is for both myself and my child for me NOT to feel that way. I felt sleepy and in a fog for the first 2 weeks, but once that lifted I instantly became a better, more patient, more engaged parent. There are mild side effects but they are worth it and I would tolerate a lot more for the sake of my child.