If someone refuses to drive they don’t get to call the shots.

Anonymous wrote:Once a week is too much. Offer twice a month. And I'd stay there, if there's somewhere you can hang out and read/knit/listen to a podcast, etc., at their house. Not being best buds with them doesn't mean you can't stay there. Just be up front. "While you guys play with the kids, I'm just going to catch up on my emails/read this book/etc. Thanks!" You get a mini-break, and don't spend two hours in the car.

And when they pressure you, just say, "Sorry, that doesn't work for me." Repeat ad nauseam.

The problem with op staying there is likely the kids will want to hang out with her and not the grandparents.

Op, you do it once a month. Your DH can take them once a month also, on the weekend. Twice a month is way more than most grandparents are seeing their grandparents during the pandemic. They should be grateful.

It sounds like they aren't comfortable driving. I'd drive maybe once a month and have DH do it any more than that. Or all of it. I hate driving and was put in a car to visit relatives 1x/week more than 1h drive each way almost until the time I was 18. Just no to more than once a month on a long-term basis. Please video chat or talk on the phone all you want instead.

Personally, I don't have a good relationship with my narcissistic, racist, xenophobic ILs, though, for whom my children spend zero unchaperoned time with if at all on the odd holiday.

For the relatives that are less toxic I would totally make the drive every other week or so for up to three months and then would need a break.

I also like 10:11's idea. This is very fair.

Can't the grandparents come early in the morning to pick up (before it gets hot)? And they can have the kids all day and you can pick them up later in the afternoon? That way you get a kid-free day and you can split up the driving.

How about your husband picks them up on his way home from work? So you take them at 10, and he picks them up at 5 or 6 (or whenever he gets off work).

That way, you only have to drive for 1 hour, and part of the burden is still on him.

They are his parents, and you don't have a great relationship, so the full burden should NOT be on you.

Read a book on their deck.
Go grocery shopping.
Sit in your car and call a friend.
Go for a walk at a nearby park.
Busy yourself with a helpful project in their home for them - I ignore my ILs by asking my MIL to give me something useful to do while she enjoys my kids - and I weed her garden, sort recycling or polish silver while I listen to podcasts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If close interaction with a high-risk group during a pandemic isn't the issue here, I really don't think a weekly visit to the ILs is a problem, OP. Just stay there and get to know them better (and don't add something abusive they did to you - you should have said that in your first post).

It is very likely they are not comfortable driving and don't quite know how to say it. You should accompany them in their car one day when it's cooler, to assess their driving skills, actually. It's important.

Don’t you mean her husband—their SON should do this??!??

PP you replied to. For my in-laws, it would be the same, because they treat me like their daughter. Sorry it's not the same with yours.

NP. It wouldn't be the same, because you aren't their real daughter. Family should take care of those things.

Wow they are your kids grandparents whether "real" or not and considered family according to IRS.

If you aren't working and need to kill time I'd totally be doing this weekly. 1 hr round trip is nothing to me.

But honestly if you can I'd try to pay to fix their AC as that must be miserable and not safe when elderly. I think it could be a good opportunity to check to see if there is an actual issue with driving, as there may be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If close interaction with a high-risk group during a pandemic isn't the issue here, I really don't think a weekly visit to the ILs is a problem, OP. Just stay there and get to know them better (and don't add something abusive they did to you - you should have said that in your first post).

It is very likely they are not comfortable driving and don't quite know how to say it. You should accompany them in their car one day when it's cooler, to assess their driving skills, actually. It's important.

Don’t you mean her husband—their SON should do this??!??

PP you replied to. For my in-laws, it would be the same, because they treat me like their daughter. Sorry it's not the same with yours.

NP. It wouldn't be the same, because you aren't their real daughter. Family should take care of those things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If close interaction with a high-risk group during a pandemic isn't the issue here, I really don't think a weekly visit to the ILs is a problem, OP. Just stay there and get to know them better (and don't add something abusive they did to you - you should have said that in your first post).

It is very likely they are not comfortable driving and don't quite know how to say it. You should accompany them in their car one day when it's cooler, to assess their driving skills, actually. It's important.

Don’t you mean her husband—their SON should do this??!??

PP you replied to. For my in-laws, it would be the same, because they treat me like their daughter. Sorry it's not the same with yours.

They are used to you leaving. So instead tell them that you can come but since you really don't have errands to do with everything shut down, you'll be hanging out with them too.

They probably won't ask about coming the following week after you tell them that.

There are no secret words

What they "expect" is unimportant

It's kind, though, to communicate what the schedule will be. You or DH. Ideally DH. That's being considerate and courteous.

If your husband is cool with the once a week thing, I'd ask him to do it on the weekends. He can wake the kids, get them ready and take them over to his parents house every Sunday am while you sleep in and then do whatever you want. When I was a SAHM, this would have been been a dream.

The thought of spending that much time in the car by myself (when you don't have the kids) sounds heavenly right now. Not to mention you will have an empty house for a while. That's worth it alone!