Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 09:10     Subject: Re:DW cosleeping with DS.
Anonymous wrote:1) There is no "ONE night." That's not how kids work.

2) Do some research. You're starting to feel like this might not be the best parenting philosphy/system (not sure what the right term is) for your family. That's a very reasonable hesitation. Well, what do you think would work better? Start with google. Talk to some friends who you think might have some wisdom on this. Read some books on other philosophies. See if anything resonates. Your wife doesn't just get to dictate how you two will parent. But you also don't just get to step in and veto. If not this, then what? It's not your wife's job to come up with an alternative - you present one. Or a few options.

3) You need to stop with "playing along." That is not a marriage. You need to start being open with your wife that you have doubts about this parenting philosophy/system, and express those doubts. Then listen to her - what does she like about attachment parenting and/or cosleeping? Why is this the way she wants to go? Talk to her about some other options (per #2) that you think might be a better fit. Listen to her concerns. If you are willing to do your part and you both can communicate well, I bet you can find a path that will work for your family.

4) Once you agree on the path for your family, assuming it's different from where you are now (who knows? with research and discussion you might come to agree with her, though it's unlikely to be exactly where you are now) you both work TOGETHER to start moving towards what you want. You gotta do your half of the planning and the implementation.

I do agree with previous posters that you are on a very bad path right now, but you're only 13 months in to this parenting thing - totally understandable, and plenty of time for a course correction.


+1 This is the best post.

OP you need to understand that if you have a baby-wearing, co-sleeping mom for a wife, she's 1) done research into this and has reasons for it, and 2) likely is part of online communities for support and encouragement to keep it up when things get hard. Coming in and saying that she needs to stop and be a *healthier parent*, with no real foundation other than "I miss sex in bed at night," is picking a fight with no ammo. You need to have your own parenting philosophy that is more than just your d*ck is sad that things changed.

Your best angles are 1) you want another baby and the idea of 4 of you in bed is not something you're interested in (also SUPER dangerous for a newborn), and 2) you want your relationship with DS to be just as strong as DW's is. You are going to need to take the lead on sleep training, which FYI suuuuucks but is necessary to get over this hump.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 09:08     Subject: DW cosleeping with DS.
Anonymous wrote:I’m not into attachment parenting, but I find it so ironic that adults need someone to sleep with for comfort and love, but can’t fathom that a child might too?


so true.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 09:07     Subject: Re:DW cosleeping with DS.
DC1 coslept with us until he was 2 years old. DC2 comes in our bed at 5 AM. My H slept on and off in his parents room or bed until he was 7 years old; we were joking this morning that it's something in his genes that he passed to the kids. Most kids grow out of it by K. And no, we're still happily married.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 09:01     Subject: DW cosleeping with DS.
I’m not into attachment parenting, but I find it so ironic that adults need someone to sleep with for comfort and love, but can’t fathom that a child might too?
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 08:58     Subject: Re:DW cosleeping with DS.
Ive coslept with my kid since 4 months when we moved him out of the RnP. He had horrible reflux that exacerbated a breathing issue. We moved him to his own bed for naps at 16/17 months and then naps and bed at 20months. Less than a month into that, a family member had to move in unexpectedly for 6 months, we moved into a bigger house and took a month to get used to the new house before we started transitioning into him sleeping in his room again. He is 28 months. Don't listen to the horror stories from peoples anecdotal experiences 2nd and 3rd hand.

Have you had a discussion with her regarding WHY she believes in co sleeping? I mean, what is the problem? You get 1-2 hours after bedtime, you get sex regularly (but in the shower?). she works FT, and is caring, involved mother.

Can you ask yourself how things would change (in your mind) if she stops co sleeping? What is the difference? You get tucked into bed vs your kid- I say that tongue in cheek but you need to make sure that if you are asking her how to change this big part of your sons routine that you aren't imagining some outlandish expectations for your evenings together. In addition, as a working FT mother- co sleeping is a way I can connect with my kid during the 10-12 hours I am away. and vice versa. At 28 months, he now babbles about his day in the dark and we talk about the next day (what going to happen). He will hold my hand as he falls asleep or ask for cuddles. I wouldn't change it for the world and my DH doesn't begrudge me because he gets time to read the news and watch Bill Maher- something I wouldn't do with him if I wasn't putting our son to bed.


What OP described is not healthy for any marriage, and neither is this. You sound defensive with an excuse for everything and it sounds like you are worried your DH may have similar concerns to OP.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 08:45     Subject: DW cosleeping with DS.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She’s out of control and the marriage is headed on fast track to splitsville. Ultimatum her back into her senses. No more co sleeping. Sex twice per week. These are your non-negotiable requirements. In 10 years she will thank you for being the adult.


Yes, good luck with that. You can ultimatum her right to the divorce lawyer’s office, if that’s what you want. I can’t imagine many women — or, you know, human beings — who would respond to an ultimatum like that with anything other than “f**k you”.


Well, if he's not getting any because she's always in bed with DC, he's got nothing to lose.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 08:43     Subject: DW cosleeping with DS.
Anonymous wrote:She’s out of control and the marriage is headed on fast track to splitsville. Ultimatum her back into her senses. No more co sleeping. Sex twice per week. These are your non-negotiable requirements. In 10 years she will thank you for being the adult.


Yes, good luck with that. You can ultimatum her right to the divorce lawyer’s office, if that’s what you want. I can’t imagine many women — or, you know, human beings — who would respond to an ultimatum like that with anything other than “f**k you”.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 08:41     Subject: Re:DW cosleeping with DS.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is literally one of the most bizarre posts I’ve read here. Your wife co-sleeping with a child is against almost every recommendation out there. Not only is it bad for the child but it’ll destroy your marriage, what’s left of it.

I’ll go out on a limb and bet your wife plans to breastfeed this kid until he’s a preteen.

I breastfed my kids til they were preteens and they are FINE. They only hop into our bed 3 out of 4 nights.


Good one.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 08:40     Subject: DW cosleeping with DS.
My BIL is engaged to a woman who has a 5 year old from a previous relationship. She sleeps with her daughter every night and they aren’t even married yet. Recipe for disaster.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 08:05     Subject: Re:DW cosleeping with DS.
Anonymous wrote:This is literally one of the most bizarre posts I’ve read here. Your wife co-sleeping with a child is against almost every recommendation out there. Not only is it bad for the child but it’ll destroy your marriage, what’s left of it.

I’ll go out on a limb and bet your wife plans to breastfeed this kid until he’s a preteen.

I breastfed my kids til they were preteens and they are FINE. They only hop into our bed 3 out of 4 nights.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 01:49     Subject: DW cosleeping with DS.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Does your wife work outside of the home? Do you split parenting other than the cosleeping arrangement? And DCs preferences for parents change, the first time my 2 yr old declared they wanted Daddy at bedtime I was thrilled.


She does work full time. We have a full time nanny and a housekeeper.

Right now our nanny is laid off so I am watching our son during the day.


So the baby is on a nap schedule and used to sleeping in his own crib during the day? If he goes down for a nap on his own he should be able to sleep on his own at night too.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 01:40     Subject: DW cosleeping with DS.
She’s out of control and the marriage is headed on fast track to splitsville. Ultimatum her back into her senses. No more co sleeping. Sex twice per week. These are your non-negotiable requirements. In 10 years she will thank you for being the adult.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 01:28     Subject: Re:DW cosleeping with DS.
This is literally one of the most bizarre posts I’ve read here. Your wife co-sleeping with a child is against almost every recommendation out there. Not only is it bad for the child but it’ll destroy your marriage, what’s left of it.

I’ll go out on a limb and bet your wife plans to breastfeed this kid until he’s a preteen.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 00:43     Subject: Re:DW cosleeping with DS.
I am not a fan of “attachment parenting.”

I find it to be really creepy & not beneficial to the child in the long run.
And in your situation, obviously not beneficial to the spouse as well.

Your son cried for your wife because he is very used to having her close to him at night when he is in bed.

This is not healthy for your son.
However until you find a way to get your wife to see how much this issue is negatively impacting your marriage, then I am afraid that this situation will be difficult to resolve.

You cannot solve this on your own.
Your wife needs to be able to meet you halfway.

It is really tough to interfere w/a bond between a mother + her child.

I wish you only the best.
Anonymous
Post 06/02/2020 00:39     Subject: Re:DW cosleeping with DS.
Your post made me sad, OP. And that PP a few entries up who said she identified with your DW and has no regrets --and who accused her ex of being a "shitty father and shitty husband"...of course I don't know her situation, but it is possible that this arrangement leaves the DH no option but to BECOME a "shitty father and shitty husband" b/c the arrangement is allowing a stronger bond to foster between the DW and DS than between DW and DH...and it will become a problem if it is not already.

I'm very sorry, OP. The best suggestion I would have is to have a heart to heart with your DW telling her all the romantic things you love about her that attracted you to her...and express that you NEED her to share your bed and to recapture that closeness you are losing. If you need to, frame it in the "I think it's healthy for DS to have parents who are bonded to each other, and I'm worried we are losing some of that and I want us to address it before it slips away"
No guarantee she will respond to it. But it isn't fair what she is doing. Not fair to you and not fair to DS.