To the OP, I have a very different take. Being a first responder does not give you license to treat everyone else like shit. Based on your posts, it sounds like your sister acts out even when she isn’t stressed. She is just not used to anyone caller her out. Your first responsibility is to take care of your mental health so that you can be a good wife and mother. IMO you should take a LOOOONG break from her.

Hey OP- no advice really but I get it. My sister is a police officer and is the same way- I think she has untreated depression/anxiety and when she is stressed, she is super difficult to be around. God forbid you bring up the protests at all. But anyway, she lives near my parents, and although she was careful around them early on, she has gotten pretty cavalier in recent weeks. We went to visit recently, along with my brother/SUL and their baby, and learned she had been going to parties (with other first responders) too. Pre-visit she had said she’d wear a mask around us, but then didn’t at all and we were all too chicken to call her on it I guess. DH was pissed and we were counting the days when we got back until we were in the clear. Don’t think we will go again for a while, but of course I worry about my parents. But it’s kind of on them to take it more seriously too I guess.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I guess my question is: is there some happy medium where our kids can be friends and we can maintain a decent relationship? How can I manage this without stress?

I am wondering if my only option is to just ignore the outbursts, even if they are painful. Or somehow figure out a way of thinking of them so they aren’t painful?

The way to think about them is to realize that they aren't really about you at all. For whatever reason, this is how your sister vents her anxiety and stress, which is almost certainly through the roof these days. It's unfortunate, but there it is. It's not something you can fix.

If you miss her and want to have some kind of relationship, then you just let her outbursts roll on by. Don't lean on her for support. Screen your phone calls. Don't respond to texts immediately. Let her vent about whatever her stress is, but remember that it's not your problem to solve. Express sympathy, but don't engage. Don't take any of it personally. Skip the dramatic or exclusionary gestures -- not telling her that you were having major surgery was making a HUGE statement, whether or not you meant to, and probably felt quite hurtful. If you need a break, don't make an announcement that you're cutting her off, just dial back the contact.

It might seem like this is unfair, but fair doesn't have anything to do with it. If you want a relationship with her, you have to just figure out a way to depersonalize her outbursts. They aren't really about you. Be kind and supportive, feel free to end the conversation if she's yelling at you and it's too much in the moment, and just accept that this is the way she is. You don't have to be a doormat -- if she's being really awful, walk away. But this is an issue that only she can fix, and only when she wants to. There's no point fighting about it.

This is the best advice I’ve ever received on this. Who are you? Thank you!!

Happy to help! Just someone with some difficult family members, too!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I guess my question is: is there some happy medium where our kids can be friends and we can maintain a decent relationship? How can I manage this without stress?

I am wondering if my only option is to just ignore the outbursts, even if they are painful. Or somehow figure out a way of thinking of them so they aren’t painful?

The way to think about them is to realize that they aren't really about you at all. For whatever reason, this is how your sister vents her anxiety and stress, which is almost certainly through the roof these days. It's unfortunate, but there it is. It's not something you can fix.

If you miss her and want to have some kind of relationship, then you just let her outbursts roll on by. Don't lean on her for support. Screen your phone calls. Don't respond to texts immediately. Let her vent about whatever her stress is, but remember that it's not your problem to solve. Express sympathy, but don't engage. Don't take any of it personally. Skip the dramatic or exclusionary gestures -- not telling her that you were having major surgery was making a HUGE statement, whether or not you meant to, and probably felt quite hurtful. If you need a break, don't make an announcement that you're cutting her off, just dial back the contact.

It might seem like this is unfair, but fair doesn't have anything to do with it. If you want a relationship with her, you have to just figure out a way to depersonalize her outbursts. They aren't really about you. Be kind and supportive, feel free to end the conversation if she's yelling at you and it's too much in the moment, and just accept that this is the way she is. You don't have to be a doormat -- if she's being really awful, walk away. But this is an issue that only she can fix, and only when she wants to. There's no point fighting about it.

This is the best advice I’ve ever received on this. Who are you? Thank you!!

Anonymous wrote:OP- I guess my question is: is there some happy medium where our kids can be friends and we can maintain a decent relationship? How can I manage this without stress?

I am wondering if my only option is to just ignore the outbursts, even if they are painful. Or somehow figure out a way of thinking of them so they aren’t painful?

The way to think about them is to realize that they aren't really about you at all. For whatever reason, this is how your sister vents her anxiety and stress, which is almost certainly through the roof these days. It's unfortunate, but there it is. It's not something you can fix.

If you miss her and want to have some kind of relationship, then you just let her outbursts roll on by. Don't lean on her for support. Screen your phone calls. Don't respond to texts immediately. Let her vent about whatever her stress is, but remember that it's not your problem to solve. Express sympathy, but don't engage. Don't take any of it personally. Skip the dramatic or exclusionary gestures -- not telling her that you were having major surgery was making a HUGE statement, whether or not you meant to, and probably felt quite hurtful. If you need a break, don't make an announcement that you're cutting her off, just dial back the contact.

It might seem like this is unfair, but fair doesn't have anything to do with it. If you want a relationship with her, you have to just figure out a way to depersonalize her outbursts. They aren't really about you. Be kind and supportive, feel free to end the conversation if she's yelling at you and it's too much in the moment, and just accept that this is the way she is. You don't have to be a doormat -- if she's being really awful, walk away. But this is an issue that only she can fix, and only when she wants to. There's no point fighting about it.

My goodness OP. I'm glad you have recovered. As for your sister love her from a distance, and enforce whatever boundaries you need to with her and th rest of your family to protect your health and the health of your baby.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am glad you are okay after your surgery!

Thank you

OP, I am glad you are okay after your surgery!

Anonymous wrote:I would treat it like a widow losing her cool at a funeral-she gets a pass!
chalk it up to extremely trying circumstances and in a while reach out about something non-controversial.

What kind of front lines? My sibling first responder is an LEO and has gradually lost her marbles doing that and COVID just makes it worse. I think it matters what kind of first responder.

You need therapy. You sound very immature.

OP- I guess my question is: is there some happy medium where our kids can be friends and we can maintain a decent relationship? How can I manage this without stress?

I am wondering if my only option is to just ignore the outbursts, even if they are painful. Or somehow figure out a way of thinking of them so they aren’t painful?

OP here - sorry for the long post - wanted to provide an update and get a bit more perspective. So it turns out when she lashed out at me about asking for people to where masks (previous pp who was asking- it was a pretty simple straightforward text ‘please everyone wear masks when you see our parent!’), and after she went nuts texting me mean things and I said please take I am I’m not feeling great and I just had a baby, it turns out I was actually seriously ill. About 42 hours after I posted this and this all happened I had to have major emergency surgery. I told my husband and mom going in please just leave her out of it, drama Is the last thing I need. She eventually found out and called me in the hospital, and proceeded to tell me how hard the situation was for her emotionally. I was in so much pain all I could do was deflect and get off the phone. It was absurd.

That being said, she did come by while I was in the hospital to drop off meals and gifts for my kids. I really don’t take that for granted. She had a kind heart but just this extreme inability to not see herself as a victim, and to lash out to me.

This surgery recovery has been the hardest of my life, physically, emotionally, mentally. The COVID stuff And leaving my newborn at home made my hospital stay a nightmare because I was completely all by myself (no visitors allowed), couldn’t sit up to even drink water or jello, had to pump and dump, was on all sorts or drugs (let’s just say it wasn’t pretty). Couldn’t walk for 3 weeks afterwards and have a newborn and 2 other kids. Anyways, 6 weeks post surgery and she calls me about some drama and I just say pretty straightforwardly, I don’t really want to talk about dramatic stuff, I’m having a tough time over here as it is. Lo and behold she goes ballistic again, and starts saying the same thing, stop complaining, you’re always like that. I just yelled stop (I realize the yelling of stop is not ideal), and hung up.

At this point I was so pissed, I just texted her and said if you can’t keep behaving this way towards me. She responded and called me mentally ill, deranged, etc. So I cut off contact, and it seems to be less stress day to day than dealing with her outbursts, but I miss her and her kids. I’d like to be supportive of a frontline medical worker who is my sister, but just reading this post makes me think that really is an ancillary issue. She just goes crazy on me when she’s stressed.

Where do I go from here? I have this sad feeling that this may be a serious body blow to our relationship. I think family so really important, and she’s usually my best friend, but it feels like an abusive relationship to me. My father was abusive, and I don’t want to keep that in my life.

My MD relative wants to fly her elderly parents from the Midwest to a Covid hotspot for her wedding vows. It’s absurd. The wedding vows can wait, the wedding reception has already been moved.

The “wave” were not really talking about is the wave of utter devastation and PTSD from medical workers. I truly fear for their mental health when this is over, whenever that may be in whatever that may look like.

Op I hope you are well. Congrats on the little one.